Higher Love

PROLOGUE

I’m sitting here alone, chewing on my finger nails in this small room, waiting. I’ve never liked waiting for anyone or anything, so I’m getting more restless by the minute. My breathing is becoming harder to cope with as I’m now prone to having panic attacks.

I try to take my mind off my situation, so I look over at the colourful prints on the walls (this is part of my therapy while I’ve been in here) and concentrate on the colours.

I see pinks and yellows and greens and then I take in the picture more carefully and see a meadow of wild flowers. I continue to concentrate but I’m scared. I feel as if any minute I will keel over and be lying on the floor unable to move. My imagination is running riot. I must stop fearing the worst. I must concentrate until my breathing slows down and the sweating has stopped. I know I must move to stop my adrenalin taking over, but I feel weak. How can I accomplish my goal without keeling over anyway?

I pull my sweaty and shaking body carefully off the chair. Putting my hands flat onto the table in front of me, I move my legs back and forwards as if I were running.

I hurt but I need to do this. I look up at the colourful painting once again. Concentrating with all my being, I feel now as if I’m running through that beautiful meadow. I continue with this playful imaginary thought until my body is eventually calm and under control.

I sit my painful body back down on the hard office chair, with a feeling of depression. I wonder why this is happening to me. I don’t like this deep, harsh, dull sensation of a dark cloud over my head.

With my hands covering my eyes, I cry, until (I think) that there are no tears left.

With a feeling of so much frustration that I have never encountered before, I stand with more force in my body than usual angrily grabbing the large box of tissues off the table in front of me, causing the box to tear and the contents to fly all over the small room. Whilst cursing and trying to pick up the majority of the mess from the brown lightly stained carpet, I use a couple of them to wipe the snot poring from my nose and the tears once again flowing from my swollen eyes. I sit again and ponder why I am here.

I’m here to get help and they told me they could help me get my life back. I have quite a sizeable tube inserted in the top of my arm which they tell me is an experimental treatment to help me to stop the shaking and the depression I’ve encountered.

Earlier I overheard a doctor saying that I’ve had a memory block due to traumatic events. What could I have encountered to have a memory block? After hearing that shocking news, I try hard, day and night, to dig deep into my mind to pull out any memory that I do have of my past. This struggling to remember anything, has the power to deny me of sleep at times, causing my daytime ‘mind digging’ to be weak. Either way, I’m getting nowhere fast.

I think my name is Ailish O’Neill because lying on a table in front of me is a file with that name written on the top of it. Some woman, who I’ve never seen before, was with me a minute ago. She mentioned that her name was Rachel. My ears pricked up at that name, but I don’t know why. Then she suddenly rushed out of the room. I start to get hot and sweaty again. I wish I wasn’t alone as I need a glass of water. Why can’t they open the window?

My hair feels greasy and I told them I must wash it today, but they have ignored me. My body is shaking again and I don’t want to wait any longer. I decide to stand up. With my legs feeling like jelly I walk towards the door

to look for someone to help me get that cold drink. I’m scared shitless once again, I don’t want another panic attack.

Just as I’m about to open the door to leave the room, it is opened by the woman who left me. She must have known what I wanted as she is carrying a jug of water and two glasses on a tray. When I get back to my chair, I take the glass from her with my shaking hand. I find it very difficult to put it to my lips. I eventually manage but not before dribbling some of it onto my legs. I watch her looking at me, which makes me feel more nervous. I stare back to study her face which is long and narrow with a large nose, big round blue eyes and long black hair. It’s so shiny it looks like a wig. She has on a blue sweater with a Christmas tree brooch pinned on her right side. So, it’s Christmas time! One thing I do remember is a huge, beautiful Christmas tree sparkling with gold baubles and pink bows and crackers tied on the branches. I know I saw it somewhere nice but where? I haven’t a clue.

I carefully put my glass down on the table and tell her what I have just remembered. She listens intently to what I tell her and then goes on to calmly ask if I remember any more. I tell her that I know I was in Germany to see my sister Carly but I’m not sure whether she’s still over there or not.

Sometimes I see Carly as a blur standing in front of me, but when my mam comes to visit, my sister is not with her, only Riona, my aunt. She doesn’t comment on what I’ve just said. I find this very weird, so I carry on.

I do remember some things from when I was in Berlin, such as shopping and the friends I had there. I also know that I went to London for some reason, but did I go alone or with a friend? When I close my eyes, I get flashbacks, seeing things as if I’ve just dreamt them. I sit back in this chair I have been put in, and want to remember, but I am too scared, I think I must have been through something bad or what would be the point of me being in here? I begin to tell her about my past, when I was younger and all the things I do remember. There is one thing she does ask me to talk about: my sister Carly. So, I tell her from the beginning. October 30th, 1996.

I was five years old when I first met my sister.

Mam looked at me and Dad with sheer happiness as she held her baby in her arms in that hospital bed.

She beckoned me over to look at my baby sister. So, I wandered over to check her out. I glared and thought my sister looked a bit ugly. I didn’t touch her yet.

I was a smart arse when I was a kid. I knew this as I used to hear Mam talk to friends and family when I was in earshot. I would hear her say quite arrogantly as I had a book in hand, Our Ailish with her reading, she’s a little smart arse isn’t she?

I had learnt to read by the time I was three years old. So, when I started school, I was the only kid in class who impressed Miss O’Reilly by reading a story out loud. Gave her a break I’m sure.

So, I read the chart at the bottom of my mams bed and read out loud the name she and Dad had chosen for this ugly child. Carly Rose, seven pounds and eleven ounces. Then thinking about how I felt about the name by twisting my mouth back and forth I decided that it was cool.

So, I blurted out quite proudly with a huge smile on my face I think that name is fuckin’ lovely.

Sadly, my smile disappeared rather quickly.

My mam turned as white as the sheet she was laying on and said WHAT! Do you know what that word means Ailish? And where’d you hear it?

I answered Mam by telling her that I’d heard the word from Dad. I’d noticed that Dads eyes were getting bigger by the second at this point.

He was on the phone... I said quite loudly. Mams mouth opened wide as she listened to my explanation and I heard him tell someone that the roses were fuckin’ lovely, and... I said whilst pointing at my baby sister her middle name is Rose so... I was immediately stopped in my tracks by Mam almost leaping out of her bed.

Finding out much later, Dad had been talking to his newly acquired assistant telling him that he’d done a great ‘fuckin’ lovely’ job engraving the said flower on the edge of a desk that he’d recently made.

Mam grabbed my arm and, looking me right in the eye, said very angrily I don’t want to hear that word coming out of yer mouth ever again. Understood?

I just nodded my head feeling very confused.

I’ve never seen Dad move so fast. Toilet, I need the toilet he stuttered. Then he was out of that room in a flash as if he’d been sitting on a mass of hot coals.

Mam shouted out at him to stick a bar of soap in his mouth while he was at it.

I was on a mission to find out what the F word meant.

Unfortunately, I didn’t find out until six years later when I was eleven years old.

I will put this in brief terms: School hide out, me, friend, smoking, boy and hard on. Then Treasa the friend shouting I’ll fuckin’ kill yer, yer horny bastard to the boy.

My friend taught me many more words that day. (Including hard on.)

At first, I was jealous of Carly. Once I threatened to run away from home, but I was just ignored. My Dad said he would pack my bag for me. I was so mad at him for saying that, I walked out of the house with a bag I had packed myself, then heard him shout See yer then. I only got to the end of the street, had a cry and turned around.

As we got older, Carly looked up to me, so I was never jealous again.

I told Rachel I was getting tired, so she stopped our session. I was taken back to my bed, where sleep took over instantly.

PART ONE

CHAPTER 1

Ailish and Carly O’Neill live in big old house that in the last few years has become a shrine to their Dad. Kathleen O’Neill, their Mother, hasn’t changed anything since her beloved husband Michael passed away, even though she should as he was fixing it up a bit before that dreadful day. The wallpaper on the living room walls has seen better days. The whole house could do with a good lick of paint in a lot of places, but Mam likes it just the way it is.

One thing Dad had done, acting on an order from his younger daughter, my bossy younger sister Carly, was to build her a big wooden shed to play in. It was filled with lots of shelves to put toys and books on, then painted in bright pink with yellow stripes, as that’s what his Carly had asked for. Mam saw it and told him it looked like a stick of rock and to paint it a different colour. It became more of a burgundy shade (just what he had handy) which Mam still thought looked like shite. So, it ended up being painted yellow. It’s now faded to the colour of a lemon sherbet sweet, but he painted the inside pink

and yellow stripes instead, just to stop the sulking and keep the peace.

One morning, not long after he had finished that most important piece of work, he suddenly became weak and decided to stay in bed, which wasn’t like him. Before he could even think about seeing a doctor, he passed away peacefully in his sleep that very evening. The post mortem stated he had had a massive heart attack. Nobody knew why it happened. He had his own business as a carpenter, always took regular days off and never got stressed. Just one of those unexpected, distressing things in life.

Ever since Dad died, things around our house have changed. He was always the one who kept the family together because he didn’t put up with any nonsense. Not only that, he was kind and funny, we miss him dreadfully.

We both try to help our Mam around the house doing our delegated chores. But I catch Carly in her bedroom, drawing plans of the house she wants to live in, when she should be sorting her laundry out or drying the dishes. My sister has always said she wants to be an architect when she gets out of school. I’m not as ambitious as her. I take life as it comes so whatever will be will be, which was also my Dads philosophy on life.

That was eight years ago, when we had to put our life in order and change our routine. Our Mam didn’t have to worry about going to work to keep us, as she was left a huge life insurance policy that Dad had taken out. Plus, she receives her widows’ pension, so we aren’t hard up.

I work at a travel agency. I started as an apprentice and loved it, so I stayed and worked my way up to become part of a fully-fledged top sales team. Carly is sixteen and can’t wait to leave school to go to college to do her architect training. She has kept her dream going; I’m not surprised as she always was a go-getter.

Unfortunately, she hangs around with a girl called Sandra Delaney.

I know I shouldn’t judge but the reputation this girl has is a bit rough. Carly as a loyal friend, accompanies her from school most days.

Sandy, always the show off with her short skirt and too much eye make-up, swinging her large silver hooped earrings as she talks, will stand in front of our house as the two of them chat.

Mam will watch with arms folded at the window of the front room as she curiously peeps through her pristine white sheer curtains. staring mostly towards Sandra and swearing under her breath at the same time at the way that girl is dressed. Embarrassing is the word she would use out loud when I am in ear shot. But I know better when I’m not. The air no doubt will be blue.

As I pass the living room via the staircase toward the kitchen, I hear Mam shout out. Apparently, her parents have allowed her to have a tattoo. At the age of sixteen. What’s that all about Ailish? I don’t respond, thinking better of it.

I leave her to her ritual of trying to put a spell on this girl, wishing she would just piss off and leave her beloved younger daughter alone to find a more decent friend.

Although Mam has a strong religious background, she normally wouldn’t say nasty comments about another human being, so her reaction to Sandra is, well, not normal. The thing is I secretly agree with her!

But I know she wants better for Carly, so do I, but I leave her to it.

Christ though, thinking what Mam said, I would hate to think where and what this artistic skin engraving is. The name of a boy maybe or even the face of something evil? She’ll regret it in the future I’m sure. Or she may not. Might go on to have several more and enjoy them.

Me, Ailish O’Neill, the perfectionist and always the prude. My downfall at times. Sometimes I think I should just say to hell with it all and get a tattoo myself. Most likely though I would end up running out of the tattoo parlour and into the nearest book shop looking for a self-help book that can stop my out of hand behaviour.!

Going back to Carly’s friend, the lovely Sandy. Mam tries not to bring her name up in the house, especially during meal times. All I would hear would be Don’t mention her, I’d like to enjoy my food thank you very much. So, my mouth stays shut.

Sitting at the table debating the usual, thinking what to have for our next meal, we hear the front door open.

We wait for her usual response but Carly doesn’t say a word as she enters the house. We hear her run up the stairs two at a time, then the bang of her bedroom door. This a bit strange, walking into the kitchen with the same question, What’s for tea? is the usual.

I look at my Ma and she’s giving me the look of, something’s up.

Oh God, I know for a fact that it will be little old me that will be knocking on Carly’s bedroom door asking what the hell is going on. Sometimes I wish Dad was still around, he would know what to do and say.

Mam gets up off her chair and wanders out of the kitchen.

I ask her where she’s going. To look for something answering in a couldn’t care less manner.

She loves to wander off in her own world. I sometimes hear her singing, but not as much since Dad passed.

I lay my head on my hands on the hard wood of our old and lovely worn table and think of him and mumble to myself ‘Oh Daddy, why aren’t yer here when I really need you?’

I just have a gut feeling that things are going to be difficult.

I hear Mam and the sound of her floppy purple slippers coming back into the kitchen.

Ailish, I heard you talking to someone. I look up at her and nod. It was yer Dad wasn’t it? she asks sitting back down.

She waits for me to answer but I don’t.

Then says I can feel him around sometimes, you know. I smell his after shave...

A quick pause then, That expensive one I bought him the last Christmas he was here. He never really liked it, you know. He wore it just for me.

She smiles and continues with her story, I watched him pouring some of it down the sink one day. He never knew that I caught him in the act.

I couldn’t speak as I had just filled my mouth with tea, so my answer came out as a spurt of liquid (far better than choking). I’m now covered in tea from my mouth, slipping down the chin to the bosom area.

While I clean myself up with the nearest cloth after that fit of laughter, Mam finishes telling the story of how she saw him refill the bottle with water. She almost got caught herself, as he kept looking behind in case he was caught.

She was so shocked almost wetting her pants in the process, trying not to laugh as she continued peeping around that door. Mam has always kept her sense of humour no matter what.

We continue the laughter until our stomachs ache just thinking about it.

When we’ve calmed down, Mam pulls herself up from the kitchen chair, stretching her arms out in front of herself, trying to speak whilst yawning loudly at the same time.

Can’t be bothered to cook tonight love, take-out be okay?

Without hesitation I reply Yep, I think that would be a good idea Mam.

I’m not really that hungry as I’m feeling anxious. But it might get Carly to come down and make an appearance if she knows that we are having a Chinese or fish and chips, don’t know which yet.

It doesn’t take long to decide as when I dig in our junk drawer the first menu that appears was for Chinese. We decided on our usual chow mein with duck egg rolls.

I shout up the stairs Carly we’re havin’ Chinese what d’yer want?

I wait, hoping that I won’t get ignored.

Then Eh, not really that hungry Ailish she throws back at me.

But I know as soon as the smell hits her nose, she will want some, plus I’m certainly not sharing. So, when I make the call to order, I include her usual too.

We only wait fifteen minutes before we’re ripping into the paper bags and taking out the hot containers, then sitting down and stuffing our mouths full of that (can’t get enough of) crispy duck.

As I’d predicted, Carly eventually and very quietly enters the kitchen while we still have our heads in our food. I notice her taking a peek in the foil containers while Mam and I keep quiet. Then Mam speaks.

There’s plenty there, so take what yer want.

Still being as quiet as a mouse, my sister plates the food and off she goes heading back up to her room without saying one word.

There’s something up with her Mam says.

That’s obvious I reply.

Then I get the look again. Yes, I’ll go up and find out...not until I’ve had seconds though

So much for not being very hungry.

My anxiety on a scale from one to ten is a definite eight. I must relax. I feel like my shoulders are touching my ears.

I tap on her door as I hear music playing; it’s not to my taste at all. It sounds like a load of crap, obviously she doesn’t think so.

She doesn’t answer so I knock a bit louder this time. I hear her moving around; I swallow hard then take a long drink of the water I’d brought up with me. Eventually her door slowly opens.

Carly peeps around the door. What do you want? She looks at me in a way that I would say repulsive, yes that’s it Ailish you look repulsive!

Yes, I’m fine I lie and shout as the music is so loud.

Shouting even louder I say Just wanted to see if I can help you, if you had any problems, that’s all. I swallow nervously.

Mams worried...you never spoke to her when you came home from school I still can’t hear myself speak.

Then she says You seem to be the one with a problem Ailish; you’re looking a bit pale.

Can you turn your music down a bit? I just want to come in and have a chat with you. Please? I answer.

So, she lets me in, turning down that shite and locks the door after I walk in her room. Feeling trapped (and nauseous), I have thoughts of escaping out of the window, as I notice it’s open. This is most likely to get rid of the smell of the food she had brought up with her. I take in a deep breath. Then I begin...

How’s your day been at school, do you still enjoy it? (I say half heartedly as this is not what I want to find out, not really.)

Okay, I suppose.

And? I question, feeling slightly calmer.

I’ve just been feeling a bit tired and run-down that’s all she tells me while flicking her hair back with her hand. I feel I have to get down to finding out the truth, to ask the real question.

Why do you hang around with Sandy Delaney? She doesn’t seem to be your type of friend. She looks at me with horror.

Why are you asking me this?

I’m worried about you and so is Mam I reply. And I’m sure you know the reputation she has around here.

Then answering me with a bit of anger in her voice. Sandy loves the boys, I know that, but she is a good friend. She’s not teaching me any sex tricks if that’s what you mean.

I thought, God damn hope not!

Then I tell her, I was thinking about taking a holiday. Wasn’t planning on it, but what the hell, I need one.

I’m owed some weeks from work, so I was thinking of taking Mam to Valentia Island for a few days. She’s got happy memories from when she and Dad went there years ago, bought that special shell from there. You know that pink one? I caught her looking at it just the other day. She needs to have a break Carly.

She doesn’t say a word as she is still picking at her Chinese take-out, so I continue.

You said you were feeling a bit tired. It might do yer some good. What do yer think?

She thought for a bit. Maybe.

I’m waiting for the next question.

But...Yes, maybe, but...could I bring Sandy?

I just had the feeling she would ask. My face must have paled up again as I can feel the blood draining from it.

Then, Are you alright Aili? she asks.

I sit on the edge of her bed (thinking shite; I don’t want that girl coming with us and showing off her red lips and tattoos). Carly comes over and puts her arm around my shoulders.

Yes, I’m okay. Then I said, I thought it would just be a family get together Carly. Would you not like that? I was really hoping she would agree.

Why do you want to bring Sandra anyway, aren’t your Mam and me enough for you?

God, as I make that remark I could eat my words, it sounds so pathetic.

Looking a bit upset, she obviously wants her friend with her. She lays her head down on her pillow and sighs.

Do you really want to know?

I can see her eyes are tearing up. Now I am starting to worry. With my heart pounding faster now, I look down at her angelic face, and hope it’s not what I am thinking.

She returns the look, and then I say, Carly you’re upset; you need to tell me what’s going on with yerself.

Her tears stream down her face now, but no cries come from her mouth.

Looking at me again, she hesitates. Then it came to me like a karate chop to the throat, I’m pregnant Ailish!

Oh my God! How am I going to tell our Mammy? The thought goes around my brain, amongst a hell of a lot more thoughts like, shall I scream now or later. After what seems like hours, the sensible part of my brain comes to the rescue and ignores those terrible things. I decide not to tell, (anyone) yet.

I continue nervously. How far gone are you?

Two months she replies, now crying.

I hold her in my arms and gently kiss her face. I have to ask who the father is but the thought of asking her makes my heart rate increase again. I feel quite sick. But I eventually do ask and then I wait. Tears are coming to my eyes now. I don’t want to cry, it would make things worse so I wipe them quickly away. More thoughts are racing around my brain.

I ask Has this anything to do with Sandra and the bad influence she obviously has on you? Were you at a party with her and alcohol was flowing? She looks really annoyed now and wipes her eyes and face on the sheet on her bed.

No nothing like that happened. If you must know Sandy is helping me

I am now very confused.

Helping you with what? I asked, trying not to shout.

She puts her head in her hands and mumbles, I want to have an abortion.

WHAT. I’m shouting now. What did you say?

An abortion she replies much quieter. But I hear very clearly.

That’s what I thought you said I mumble back to her with my fist practically in my mouth.

She continues. Sandra has had one and said she would help me get through it without anyone else knowing.

She starts crying again. I once again hug her, thinking what the hell am I going to do. I feel so much love for my sister, I need to help her.

Carly I will always help you. You cannot just go and have an abortion without a lot of thought. The Father may want to know too. Have you never thought about that?

Silence in the room now. I rock her in my arms for what seems like ages. Carly pulls herself together and says I really don’t think I want the baby. I want to have the career I have always dreamt of. I want to go to college and to do my training to become an Architect. You know I’ve wanted to do that since I was a little girl. She collapses on the bed crying so hard, will she never stop. I wait until she has calmed down and then a huge sigh comes from my mouth.

"You still have