Fourth a Lie: Goddess Isles, #4

Prologue

––––––––

SULLY SINCLAIR USED MASKS and murky morality to hide who he truly was. Our first meeting painted him as the villain, the procurer of women, and the ruthless mogul of his Goddess Isles.

However, day by day, spark by spark, his masks slipped, one by one, revealing that I wasn’t a lunatic to fall head over heels for such a monster. I was justified because he was worthy.

Worthy of trust and love and a happily ever after.

I wanted to fight for that. To give him that. To give him me.

But...all things worth fighting for demanded pain.

Pain that sometimes cost far too much.

I wished we’d been immune to such a trial.

I wished Sully was an only child.

I wished he didn’t have a brother called Drake Sinclair.

Where Sully wore devilishness to hide his decency, Drake wore decency to hide his devilishness. He was Satan walking amongst goddesses. Lucifer with no redemption. Pure evil in Sully’s paradise.

And what was worse?

He ruined it all.

The spark, the bond, the happily ever after.

Sully made me come alive.

Drake made me want to die.

He stole everything.

He killed everything.

He murdered...us.

Chapter One

––––––––

EVERYTHING YOU LOVE DIES, Sinclair. Everything you treasure is gone. That’s your true curse. The one you can never run from.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, doing my best to squeeze out the voice of my nightmare. The nightmare I’d had just before the bomb destroying Serigala ripped me awake.

I’d hoped the warning was some version of closure from my distrusting brain, throwing the masks of my past in my face, freeing me from lies and deceptions. A strange kind of acceptance that I was in love, that I’d felt joy, that I’d been happy mere hours before this shitstorm came knocking.

But I was wrong.

It’d been the opposite.

I couldn’t shed those masks because they were a part of me. They were my armour against a world I could no longer survive in. They were my tools to reap death and decay on those who deserved it.

Those masks were the walls between Eleanor and our forever, condemning me with the truth that I was fucking delusional to think I could keep her, suicidal to give my heart to her, and utterly demented to think I could claim hers in return.

I’d done this.

I’d fallen for her and fallen from my power.

I’d adopted, rehabilitated, and nursed so many innocent creatures, and now they were chum in the sea, mangled paws and broken tails, missing ears and blown apart skulls.

I’d made a promise to keep them safe.

Safe?

Christ, my safety came with extermination.

Nothing was safe around me.

Nothing.

Especially not her.

Three hours.

He gave me three hours to save her.

My disgusting, gore-painted hands curled into fists as I leaned back and bashed my head against the plush helicopter upholstery.

Eleanor.

It didn’t matter if I had three hours or three years, it was all the same—just a matter of time before I hurt her.

If I keep her...she’ll die.

It was inevitable.

Inescapable.

My nightmare wasn’t closure...it was a forewarning.

An omen filled with premonition and intuition that no matter how much time passed, no matter how hard I tried to find redemption, I hadn’t been forgiven by fate.

I hadn’t earned her.

I’d never earn her because I’d never fucking change.

I liked my life. I hoarded my privacy. I enjoyed playing with myths and falsities.

I was just as bad as the guests who visited.

I was owed no singular forgiveness for what I was. I wasn’t any worse or better than my brethren. My one saving grace was I preferred the animal kingdom over my own and tried to buy better karma through their protection.

And I kept failing fucking spectacularly at it.

Humans were the disease. Animals were the pharmacon.

Eleanor was human.

I was human.

Drake was human.

And because Drake was a psychotic bastard, and I was a love-struck fool, and Eleanor was a girl trapped by me, we all had blood on our hands. We were all responsible for this animal carnage because Eleanor had distracted me from my calling, Drake had found my weakness, and I...

I’d been too busy being fucking happy to notice.

Fuck!

Groaning with fresh nausea, I glowered out the helicopter window. Down below with black-shrouded oceans and star-dusted shores, life went on, things got eaten, new life was birthed, and a goddess existed who’d almost convinced me of the impossible.

The impossibility of us.

I bent forward again, digging hands through my hair, not caring that I spread viscera and biohazard, contaminating every part of me. Yesterday, I’d been making sarcastic quips to Jinx in Nirvana. I’d felt joy. I’d laughed. I’d indulged.

I’d forgotten about everyone and everything.

I’d allowed the very thing that I despised about the human race to intoxicate me.

I’d become selfish.

I’d become greedy and narcissistic—only thinking of my life, my lust, my love.

I’d given in to every dream and fantasy I had, thinking I could finally have peace.

And now...

I snarled in the din of helicopter blades. Fury tangled with loss, despair blended with violence, and every wall I’d dropped, every mask I’d shed, every denial I’d erased stabbed me with a thousand blades.

Eleanor.

She’d done this. She’d made me become this.

This...man. This blind, stupid man who’d forgotten his responsibilities and commitments. I was wrong to think her hex on me was purely about us.

It wasn’t.

It was about my life. My future. My animals who’d died because I’d fallen in love.

And that...? Fuck, that was a price I wasn’t prepared to pay.

Not again.

An avalanche of hate slithered over my shoulders, chilling me. My bones froze over, cracking with frost and filling with loathing for Drake. For me. Even for Eleanor.

She’d made me love her.

She made every drop of my frosted blood panic for her safety.

She came first.

Over everything.

She meant more.

Over anything.

And look what fucking happened.

Those animals would still be alive if it wasn’t for me.

Drake needed to die.

Slowly.

Painfully.

Piece by piece.

That was a stone-chiselled certainty...but the rest?

The rest of my fuck-ups and failings? The fact that my heart belonged to a woman who had made me weak? The goddamn truth that I’d fallen for a goddess who’d shaken apart my dynasty and left my borders wide open for attack?

How did I fix that?

How do I stop the undeniable urge to sacrifice everything if it means I can keep her safe?

Dropping my hands, I sat tall again. I was a fidgety, violent mess trapped in a tiny cabin, rapidly losing control, quickly fraying with the sickening desire to murder.

Cal sat quietly beside me, knowing not to interrupt.

He’d seen me on this knife-edge. He’d seen me this restless before. He’d felt what’d happened when I snapped and watched what I’d done when I broke.

I’d left a trail of corpses in my wake for payment for ten animal lives. A mix of mouse, monkey, and rabbit from a cosmetic group in Chicago. I’d made national news for the disgustingly gruesome and frankly morbidly-inspired retribution I’d delivered.

I’d been arrested.

I’d been trialled.

I’d been released because I had something that they didn’t.

Money.

Lots and lots of fucking money and with money came untouchability.

But not this time.

Instead of coming after me, Drake had gone after my most vulnerable.

Bullshit.

Motherfucking bullshit!

I punched the fuselage in an explosive strike.

Cal flinched beside me, his voice piercing my ears via our headsets. Just to distract you from your chaotic thoughts, I’ve called ahead. The guards have set the snares. They’re armed. They know their position and protocol. She’ll be fine, Sully.

I snarled in his direction. What makes you think I’m worried about her?

He snorted. If you could sprout wings right now, you’d be down there with her already.

I’d be looking for Drake.

Well, whatever your first priority, she’ll be fi—

She won’t fucking be fine. Not while she’s mine.

He shrugged as if this was a fucking shrugging matter. Everyone has family they’d rather keep hidden. His lips twitched, delivering the twisted joke, hoping it’d shatter my rage but only adding to it.

I was not in the mood to let go of the shit I’d seen.

I was not going to be pacified just because I had men on my payroll who knew their jobs and were proven in merciless warfare.

The things inside me?

The fact that I would die for her? The knowledge that I would turn into anything, sacrifice anything, destroy everything for her...it made me a highly dangerous individual.

It made me volatile.

It made me unpredictable...even to myself.

She can’t be near me.

I want her gone. I glowered out the window as we began our descent. Now.

His voice crackled, offering solutions to my fury. "We’ll arrange for the goddesses to be sent to Lebah. They’ll be close by and safe while we deal with Drake."

"There is no we. My knuckles cracked as I fisted my hands. His pain belongs to me and every fucking creature he’s just snuffed out."

Fine. Cal nodded curtly, his reflection bouncing off the window. "I’ll evacuate the guests too. They can go to Angsa. The fortified encampment there will keep them out of harm’s way for a day or so. We’ll ensure those who want to go home have transport available."

Two islands named after creatures with wings. One with feathers and one with membrane. A swan and a bee. Both far too delicate and defenceless.

My goddesses and guests could go there.

Frankly, I was done with humans for the time being. They could be casualties in this war; I didn’t fucking care.

But Eleanor...she wasn’t going with them.

She’d done this to me. She’d stripped me down to my final mask and shown me how lacking I was. I was a man who’d turned off his empathy toward his own race, only to cripple beneath the swarm of it for fragile animals.

I’d once told her that too much empathy could kill a person and not enough would kill someone else.

Well...my empathy had become a double-sided weapon, and I didn’t want to be responsible when I wielded it.

Therefore, all my promises, ill-fated joy, and unbearable pleasure were over.

Tell the pilots they have a flight to Java in one hour.

Cal stiffened beside me. You’re sending her to the mainland?

I tensed, doing my best to stop my heart from leaping from my mouth. She’s going home. I’m done.

His silence was as damning as his sarcastic ‘sir’.

My goddess island came into view, the helicopter sank, and I gathered up all the masks that Eleanor had stripped from me with bloody, gory hands, and put them back on...one lie at a time.

Chapter Two

––––––––

STOP STRESSING, JINX. I’m sure he’ll be back soon, and everything will be fine.

I ceased shredding the napkin from our untouched dinner, eyeing Jealousy. He should have returned by now.

Unless what he’s dealing with is so, so much worse than I feared.

I’d had no appetite all day, my stomach a riot of serrated knots whenever I thought of Sully and whatever carnage he’d faced.

Are those animals okay?

I couldn’t shed the awful, awful feeling that we were over.

That Sully would be reminded of far too many things.

That he’d push me away before I could solidify just how important this was.

We were.

Yes, disaster had come.

And yes, things would need to be addressed.

But...unless he trusted me to have his back, trusted that I would be strong enough to put up with his stony silences born from grief and his explosive temper birthed from rage, then I had the tear-evoking sensation that my time here was borrowed.

I gnawed on the inside of my cheek. I had a cut there now. A cut that bled each time I nibbled because physical pain was the only distraction that worked against my emotional pain.

God, Sully.

His creatures...

My heart panged, filling me with fear all over again.

Was he okay?

What had he seen?

What nightmares now existed in that perfect, wonderful sanctuary?

I rubbed at the emptiness in my chest, agony swift and sharp cutting me right down the middle.

How many lives have been lost?

What sort of state will he be in when he finally returns?

Would he let me touch him? Soothe him? Hug him?

Would he share his exhaustion and emotional grief...or would he want nothing to do with me?

Once again, that sickening feeling that Sully would push me away rose with acidic bile. We’d admitted we were in love with each other, but that was just the tip of a very big iceberg to melt.

Right now, love was an idea, a promise, a word.

It could be snatched away as quickly as we’d conjured it.

Falling in love was the painful part.

It required the systematic stripping of who you were as an individual, a raw newness, and a terrifying look in the mirror that forced you to realise that the person you thought you were—the person you’d grown into on your own, without interference of another—wasn’t who you were, after all.

The lies we’d fed ourselves. The tricks we’d used to deceive. The motives and methods to get through life were suddenly obsolete in the face of the one person who transcended all other people.

I supposed my young age permitted me to accept my evolution easily. I allowed the metamorphism to flow from girl to goddess to woman in love with a monster because I’d never truly grown to know myself. My youth kept me pliant for my truth.

But Sully...

He hadn’t accepted me as easily. He had eleven years on me. That was eleven more years to build up his walls, smash down his bridges, and create an illusion that wasn’t Euphoria-given but entirely of his own creation.

He saw himself as cruel and unyielding, severe and grim.

I saw him as gentle and forgiving, strict and generous.

Dark and light. Light and dark.

Two elements that cancelled each other out.

Just as he’ll cancel me out if that darkness has smothered him again.

My shoulders rolled as I pushed away my untouched dinner.

Jealousy gave me a sad smile, her eyes glowing with sympathetic friendship. It will be okay. It has to be. It’s Sully.

I nodded and kept my fears quiet.

She reached across the table and squeezed my hand. Skittles chirped from my shoulder, eyeballing Jealousy’s right to touch me. I got her possessiveness. I felt the same way about Skittles.

Jealousy patted my knuckles. Don’t just nod. Believe it.

I forced a smile. I’d never been one for casual touch between girls. I’d returned a hug if a school friend gave one, but I wasn’t the instigator. However, Jealousy’s touch was genuine and fierce; a bond that’d sprung swiftly but seemed solid.

I sighed, my belly once again squeezing with pain. My friendship with Jealousy was easier than my love with Sully.

I trusted that Jealousy would talk to me if I ever upset her. That we’d have an open dialogue if things got hard.

Sully...I think he’ll act first, then regret.

He won’t trust in me.

Trust...

Sully’s hardest-earned gift.

I’d proven that I was trustworthy. That it was him I loved—the soul that resided in his handsome form—and not the pretty packaging he seemed to have contempt for.

But what it if wasn’t enough?

If Serigala had been destroyed...would he still have a heart to give me?

If all those defenceless rescues who were alive because of him were dead...what would that do to him?

It tore out my heart, let alone his.

Would he return, still trusting we could be happy, or would death remind him that all connection was so fleeting? Death was the one thing he could trust in, and it might prove to be too much.

Because, regardless if we wanted it or not...we were linked now. If he hurt, I hurt. If I hurt, he hurt. We’d just doomed ourselves to a lifetime of pain instead of pleasure.

Ugh.

I dropped my face into my hands, shaking a little.

Please, come back.

Please, still trust me.

Please, please don’t push me away.

Jealousy reached under the table and squeezed my knee. Hey, stop it. Stop thinking about the bad and focus on the good. It’s going to be fine. He’ll come back and things might be a little...aggressive...for a while, but then he’ll be yours again.

I dug my fingers into my eyes, then swiped at my cheeks before I let my hands fall heavily into my lap. I wish it were that easy.

It will be. She patted my leg before withdrawing. Just don’t let him go all macho moron on you. If you feel him pulling away, just remind him that it’s too late for that now.

Too late to end things?

Too late not to be broken if he does.

I sighed heavily. "I truly hope Serigala and all its animals are okay. Maybe the treeline just caught fire. Maybe it only took them an hour to stop, and he’s stayed there all day because he has a heart of gold and wanted to lavish his rescues with affection."

That would be more believable if I couldn’t smell the carnage from here.

Jealousy’s smile was unconvincing. Yeah, maybe.

I glowered at the table, wishing I had some means to chase after him. I’d attempted to coax a guard into driving the speedboat there at lunchtime, but everything was on lockdown. The goddesses commanded to stay in their villas while the guests were requested to relax away from the main shore.

Skittles chirped softly, tucking her tiny feathery body in the crook of my neck and nuzzling my throat. Her sweet affection brought tears to my eyes. Pika sat on a lamp by the sliding doors leading to the deck, his wings slumped and grief evident in his black eyes as he waited for Sully.

He hadn’t left his perch since Jealousy guided me from the beach and back to her villa, a few private beaches down from mine. She’d changed from her pyjamas into a lacy skirt and top, and allowed me to freshen up in her bathroom, then borrow a black sundress.

The remains of our unwanted dinner scattered between us. Seemed neither of us had the appetite to eat while the scent of charred flesh and fur coated the entire island.

Sully.

No matter what topic that popped into my mind, my heart immediately dragged it back to him. Almost as if my pining was a physical entity in the room, Pika squeaked pathetically from his lamp.

Come here, little terror. I held up my finger.

He chirped once, then fluttered to me, ignoring my finger and landing next to his feathered sister, jostling her on my shoulder.

They squabbled for a second until Skittles accepted his presence and began to preen him. Almost as if she sensed Pika was suffering while Sully was gone.

Empathy from a tiny bird.

Compassion between two creatures.

Two emotions that could cause such pain to the affected and the ones who loved them.

Focusing on the claws of two tiny parrots digging into my skin, I asked softly, Do you think he’s okay? Such a generic question. A question that couldn’t be answered.

Jealousy scrubbed her face, then dragged her fingers through her blonde hair. Her attempt at consoling me stuttered a little as her hazel eyes caught mine with stark truth. "Are any of us truly okay?"

I slouched. Do you have to be so frank? I sighed with a weak smile. "I would’ve preferred the customary, ‘He’ll be fine. You’re overthinking it. He’ll be home soon and everything will be normal.’"

I tried that. It’s not helping. You just mope harder.

Sorry.

Silence fell, a third dinner guest who seemed to monopolise our conversation thanks to my obsession with what Sully was facing.

Skittles decided she’d had enough of her brother and flittered from my shoulder, picking her way through the unwanted meal, helping herself to a few grains of jasmine rice.

While Jealousy watched the tiny green, white, and apricot parrot, she murmured, How many times have you had elixir now?

I frowned, slightly afraid of the swift topic change. Uh, three. Why?

Just wondering. She hugged herself, rubbing her palms up and down her arms.

Wondering what? I sat forward in my chair, grateful for Skittles as she provided somewhere to look rather than each other. Pika left my shoulder, flying back to his place on the lamp, staring out to sea.

Jealousy didn’t glance up, almost as if she didn’t feel comfortable admitting whatever she was about to. Did it ever make you...sick?

I sat taller. "Why...has it made you sick?"

She finally met my stare. Can you answer my question first?

I shrugged. I fainted the morning after my first dose. I’ve never fainted before or since. But I think that was more due to the fact I hadn’t eaten in over twenty-four hours rather than—

Have you felt weak?

Well, of course. Each time I wake up the next morning, I’m bruised and battered and it’s a mammoth task to drag myself out of bed. I chewed my cheek, drawing more blood from my nervous, nibbled cut.

Should I admit it?

Should I tell her how Sully reacted to elixir?

If it was any other person, I wouldn’t, but...Jealousy had earned my trust. Even Sully passed out cold after his introduction to it. He almost drowned in Nirvana...far too focused on sex and forgot he needed air to breathe.

Her eyes narrowed. Did he admit he felt totally out of it? Does he finally understand how dangerously strong it is?

He definitely endured the effects. I studied her, sensing something way more serious than she let on. How come? Everything okay?

Jealousy shook her head as Skittles continued her forage across the table, stealing a piece of wilted spinach. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve taken it. For the longest time, I bounced back with no problem. Sure, I’d feel like shit the next morning, but my system always figured out how to reset itself. She sighed. But recently...I can’t fully shed its control. My resting heart rate is stupidly high. I regularly have palpitation attacks that can last over an hour. My limbs constantly buzz as if I have adrenaline running in my blood. I just think it’s playing havoc with my inner chemicals.

I clasped my hands on the table. Have you spoken to Sully about this?

Not directly to him no. I have had a check-up with Dr Campbell, though.

And?

And...he’s worried. He’s never liked elixir. Always said it was too strong and that it will end up killing one of us these days. She smiled sadly as Skittles hopped onto her fork, pecking at a piece of discarded cantaloupe. Ah well, I’m sure I’ll be fine. It’s just stress.

Stress? Are you having second thoughts about staying? Do you want to leave, after all?

She shook her head. "Oh, God, no. I never want to live anywhere else. My ultimate dream would be to run this place. Maybe find someone who doesn’t just want me for my body, and make Sully hire goddesses who have free will, instead of buying and trapping them. I’m glad he released Jupiter, Nep, and Calico. What they did to you is unforgivable, but also understandable when pushed to the brink of their tolerances. They’re free now...but we aren’t. Neither are the others who are still serving...and the ones he’ll buy in the future."

I wanted to agree with her. To nod and forge ahead with sisterhood power—to revolutionise Sully’s empire. However...my loyalties were also to Sully. Yes, he did bad things because he used the same rules against humans that we had for animals. And yes, he seemed to have no qualms about feeding us elixir and throwing us at the mercy of men for money. But...beneath those flaws, he cared enough that he deserved my fidelity. I’m sure things will evolve for the better.

Unless Serigala is blown up.

If it had...then things might evolve for the worst.

You’re right. Jealousy looked up just as Skittles flew to my shoulder, squawking and hopping up and down. Pika let out a relieved trill, interspersed with excited squeaks, and shot like a green arrow down the night-shrouded beach.

Our eyes locked.

Hope exploded.

He’s back!

Chapter Three

––––––––

OF COURSE, SHE WAS there, waiting for me with imploring eyes, eager arms, and tangible fucking love.

Of course, she ran down the beach with my two parrots flying beside her, and leaped fearlessly into my arms.

Of course, she hugged a fucking monster who only had murder on his mind. A man covered in blood and brain, decorated with fur and charred flesh. A man who reeked of death and wore the cloak of the Grim Reaper himself, ready to repay the dismembered body parts to his brother.

But...

Her touch.

Her scent.

Her warmth.

It broke me.

Motherfucking broke me because I’d been so steadfast in my conviction. So black and white with my choice to send her away...for good.

She was too breakable in my current condition.

She was too much for me to survive.

But...

How?

How the fuck was I supposed to say goodbye?

She’ll die if she stays.

By your hand or his.

I flinched at the agonising reminder. I jerked at my repeating nightmare.

"Everything you love dies, Sinclair. Everything you treasure is gone. That’s your true curse. The one you