The Void Calls Us Home

Chapter 1

Ihave never been suicidal .

Sure, I’ve had dark thoughts in my life, but who hasn’t? They were never more than just a passing thought that swooped into my mind and left as quickly as they came. I was a relatively happy human female, all things considered, and yet...

I think I tried to kill myself last night. I hate using the word think. I mean, if I tried to kill myself, that’s the kind of thing I should know, right?

It is, but that didn’t change the fact I just wasn’t sure.

God, that sounded so moronic. Even stupider than it sounded rattling around in my brain. It’s just that, one moment, I was driving along, minding my own business. And then, I was off the side of the road, plummeting down an embankment, and slamming into a tree. The rest of the car ride I remembered vividly, but that last moment...

The reason that I jerked the wheel to the right on that lonely, dark, mountain road...that’s what was fuzzy.

I remembered singing along to Kesha’s Rainbow, where she goes, I’ve found a rainbow, rainbow, baby Trust me, I know, life is scary, but just put those colors on, girl. Come and play along with me tonight...  Suddenly the temperature in my car plummeted. The hair on my arms stood up on end and I felt as if my insides were being hollowed out, as if every good thought in my body had been stripped away from me.

I stopped singing. I stopped everything and stared blankly out into the dark night. It was rainy, and the thick drops fell onto my windshield. The wipers whipped across the glass as they struggled to keep the water at bay. I should have replaced them months ago, but it always slipped my mind.

The music must have still been on right before the car jerked to the right, but I couldn’t hear it anymore. All I heard was the rhythmic wiping of the windshield as I peered out into the dark beyond my headlights. The darkness hypnotized me. Hopelessness washed over me, utter hopelessness; despair that felt eternal.

Then, I spun my wheel to the right...

...and I fell...

When my head slammed into the steering wheel, the darkness engulfed me. I drifted through the nothing like some dark, underwater pit, except that I wasn’t drowning. I wasn’t gasping for breath. I wasn’t even frightened. I was one with the black. Without hope, fear, or happiness. I just...was.

I heard the muffled sounds of the medics prying me from the car, and later the voices of doctors as they worked to save my life, but I couldn’t see them. I couldn’t feel them. I was numb, completely and utterly without feeling, left with nothing but the frigid cold. 

I don’t know how long I floated in the emptiness. I swam in every direction, looking for a flicker of warmth that eluded me. I longed for comfort, for heat, for answers, but no matter how far I travelled, there was nothing around me. I screamed into the abyss, but there was nobody there.

Without warning, a great force jerked me by the throat and pulled me out of the darkness. I woke up gasping for breath. My eyes fluttered opened, and I sucked in oxygen as if I had come back from drowning.

Nurses and doctors flooded into the room as I spasmed uncontrollably on the bed, kicking off the fresh linens. A needle jabbed in my arm, and then, it was quiet again. This time, I did not fall into the hopeless void, but into a pleasant dream, where I was a pony.

The second time I woke, my eyes focused on my mother. She looked as though she hadn’t slept in days. Her short, blonde hair was tangled, and her face was greasy. Dark circles rested under her eyes. I hadn’t seen her without make-up once in my entire life, and the sight was enough to jar me awake.

Mom? I asked, weakly. I tried to push myself to my elbows, but the pain in my chest burned and I collapsed back onto the hospital bed like a ten-ton rock.

Becca! Mom said, her voice cracking with excitement. Becca! You’re awake!

She jumped up and wrapped her arms around my neck. She pressed herself closely and my chest throbbed again.

Ow, I said to her. My mother was not an emotional person by any stretch of the imagination. I couldn’t remember her ever hugging me like that, and yet she held me so tight I thought I would burst.

Sorry, Mom said, pushing herself back and wiping the tears from her eyes. I didn’t know if I would ever see you again.

It’s okay, I said, taking a deep heave of air. Every breath was agony, but I couldn’t stop taking long inhales and exhales, enjoying my breath in a way I never had before. How long have I been...how long have I been out?

Four weeks, she replied. They told me you would never wake up, but I knew. I just knew that you would. I...knew.

Mom swallowed her sadness as the tears came again. Mom hadn’t even cried at my sister’s funeral, and yet here she was, sobbing at my bedside. She tried to talk but it was no use. All that eked out where mumbled syllables that I couldn’t understand. She collapsed back onto the chair and wept into her hands.

You’re up! I heard from the doorway.

I turned my aching head to see my father standing at the door with two cups of coffee. He was a big man, and broad. He could have played linebacker in the NFL with his massive size, except that he had the coordination of a running camel.

Hi, Dad, I replied, groggy. Ignore Mom. She’s having a moment.

Dad smiled at me. She’s emotional, kiddo.

I know, I said. I don’t know what to do. This is a foreign experience to me.

Just give her a minute. 

He barreled forward to give me a hug, but I held out my hand to stop him. My arms throbbed as they swung above my body.

Please, no, I said. I don’t think my body can take one of your bear hugs right now.

He shrugged, disappointed but understanding. My father was not emotionally stilted like my mother. He was responsible for most of the affection I received in my life. My sister accounted for the rest, but...

I get it, he said, holding up his hand. I’m just, oh, I’m really glad to see you, is all. He leaned forward to place a gentle kiss on my forehead.

My vision swirled and crackled, and my eyes turned up into my head. I tried to keep my head up, but it was no use. I collapsed back in bed and drifted off, hoping I would dream of kittens and not the black nothingness I had been trapped in for so long. 

Chapter 2

Idrifted in and out of consciousness for the next three days. When I was awake, the pain was excruciating, but being asleep was even worse. When I was asleep, I was haunted by an image.

It was a thousand-foot-high black eye, sucking blue and orange flames into itself from every direction. It searched for me in the darkness, but it could not find me, no matter where it looked. I waved my arms, desperate for it to see me, but it did not. It was a nightmare, not because it searched for me, but because it couldn’t find me.

I wanted desperately for the flaming eye to see me. I called out to it, begging for its warmth to save me from the cold darkness, but when it turned to my direction, it only looked through me, no matter how much I screamed and flailed my arms.

I might have chalked up my recurring dreams to just that, crazy dreams, if I wasn’t remembering more about my crash with each passing day.

That flaming eye...

I had seen it before. I didn’t remember it when I first woke up, but the longer I was awake, the more I remembered...

It had flashed in front of my eyes the moment before I jerked my car off the road. It was the reason I swerved off the mountain in the first place. It had beckoned me toward it, and I desperately wanted to answer the call. After I slipped into a coma, I searched for it in the darkness. It was my salvation, and yet, it had abandoned me.

I didn’t know I why wanted the flaming eye to take me away. I led a good life, a charmed life even; a life that I loved. I went to a great school, lived in a beautiful house, and already had three offers to Ivy League schools in my junior year of high school.

I’m privileged. Not everybody got the chance to play on the varsity basketball team, and even few could still pull straight A’s while doing it. I wasn’t trying to brag, mind you, just explaining that I totally understand how lucky I was. Depression couldn’t have been the reason I pulled my car off the road. I wasn’t depressed.

Good afternoon, Ms. Rose. A short, squat doctor with frizzy, red hair walked into my room. I’m Doctor Clayton. How are you doing this afternoon?

Fine, doctor, I lied.

Don’t sound too confident, Doctor Clayton replied. I mean, you’re alive. That must account for something, and conscious, which in and of itself is a bit of a miracle.

I’m in a lot of pain, I said. But I’m trying to keep a stiff upper lip about it. Still sucks though.

Yeah, it does, and it’s okay to think your situation sucks, Doctor Clayton said. She was flipping through pages on my chart. I mean, you really hurt yourself. It’s okay to admit that to me, all right. I need to know the truth. Understand?

I hung my head. Yes, doctor.

Good. Now is there anything you need to tell me?

No, doctor.

You don’t sound too confident.

I wasn’t confident. I wanted more than anything to tell somebody about the flaming eye in my dreams and figure out why I wanted to kill myself and join it. I’m young, bright, and generally positive, most of the time. Some people might even call me a ball of freaking sunshine, and yet...I had tried to kill myself.

But I couldn’t tell her anything, could I? Not yet. At least not without having my sanity questioned. I needed to get out of the hospital first, and then maybe I could find some answers.

My head just hurts a lot, I said.

Well, that’s normal after suffering a severe concussion. You’ll feel better with time.

Thanks, I replied. Hey, Doc. When am I gonna be able to go home?

Let’s get you up and walking around, and then we’ll see about sending you home, okay?

I smiled, even though it hurt my bruised cheeks. Okay.

Your physical therapist will be in shortly, Doctor Clayton said, walking toward the door. Be honest with her about your pain levels, okay? Don’t try to push yourself. She holds your future in her hands. You don’t leave until she says it’s okay.

The doctor left, and I fell back into bed, trembling in pain. Even with the painkillers, I still felt the sting in my chest every time I moved.

I tried to remember how lucky I was. It could have been much worse. I broke my arm, bruised three ribs, and snapped my nose when I slammed my head into the steering wheel, but I wasn’t dead. By all accounts, I should have been.

Chapter 3

I’m no stranger to working out. I played a lot of sports, and that meant I focused on physical fitness. Basketball was my favorite sport, but in the off-season I was a sprinter on the track team. Coaches said I had an explosive first step.

I spent a lot of time in the woods, running alone to build up my endurance. When I wasn’t running, I lifted weights.

I was in good shape, which made it all the more maddening when I couldn’t even lift a five-pound weight during my first physical therapy session.

That’s normal after a big trauma, my physical therapist, Mia, told me. Her smile was wide enough that I wanted to punch it. You’re doing great. She picked up the three-pound weight and placed it into my hand. Try this one.

No, I replied. I can do the five pounds, just give me a little more—

Hey, Mia said, grabbing my wrist gently. You don’t have to prove anything to me.

Sure I do. I grimaced from the weight. I have to prove I’m ready to go home.

And you’re not going to do that by pushing yourself past your limit. I’m trying to make sure you don’t hurt yourself by doing too much too fast.

I used my non-broken arm to wipe the sweat from my forehead. I’m sorry.

It’s not your fault. Everybody’s like that after a big injury. Look over there.

Mia pointed across the gym at a woman in a wheelchair. Her jaw was slack, and her eyes were glazed over as if her brain was somewhere else. A plump man without any hair pulled her up to her feet and helped her to a set of parallel bars.

Six months ago, she was walking and talking up a storm. Then, she had...well, she had an accident and now she can’t do any of that anymore.

Sad, I said.

Not just sad, but frustrating for her, right? I mean, look at her. Do you think she wants to learn to walk again? She has to start at the beginning, as if she were a baby.

Yeah, that sucks. I wasn’t seeing her point.

Mia turned to me. What I’m saying is that you don’t have to start at the beginning, kiddo, but we all have to start somewhere. Is it fair? No, but neither is life.

The woman on the parallel bars took a step forward and wobbled, shaking on her feet until she collapsed into her therapist’s arms. Instead of crying or yelling, she waited for her therapist to stand her up, and she tried again. I understood Mia’s point, but there was a big difference between that woman and me. I had brought my pain on myself, and she hadn’t. That made us very different.

Still, we were the same in that neither of us could take our mobility for granted. We had to actively work to get back to where we wanted to be, so I took the three-pound weight and clenched it in my hand. Struggling, I pulled that weight up to my chest, and let out a big breath of relief.

Very good, Mia said. That was hard, right?

So hard.

It gets easier, Mia said. You just have to work at it.

I pulled the weight up to my chest a second time. I can do that. So, does that mean I can go home?

She smiled. I’ll see what I can do.

One weird thing about hospitals was that they never wanted you to walk anywhere. Whenever I left my room, they insisted on wheeling me to every exam and appointment as if I were an invalid.

Why can’t I walk to my room? I asked Mia as she wheeled me back to my hospital bed. I have two perfectly good legs.

Well, Mia said, if you could just walk everywhere, then how would we have these wonderful little conversations, huh?

True, but if that’s what it takes to talk to you, I could absolutely go without these little conversations. Like, without question, I could go without them. For sure.

That hurts my feelings, Mia said, pushing me into my room.

Well, that’s not my intention, I said. So, I’m stuck in this stupid wheelchair for a little while longer.

Just a bit, Mia said. You did a good job today. I’m going to tell the doctor and see what I can do to get you out of here and out of this wheelchair, okay?

Thanks, I replied with a smile.

Mia helped me out of my wheelchair, and I laid down on the bed. There wasn’t much to do in a hospital when there weren’t tests to run or homework to catch up on, so I spent a lot of time watching Judge Judy while laying on my back. It was mind-numbingly boring.

Luckily, I wasn’t often alone for long lengths of time. Every day my best friend Tracy brought my homework from school and sat with me as I caught up on the gossip of the day.

Tracy lived for gossip. She was plugged into every clique at school, so she knew everything that was going on with everybody. I liked to sit back and listen as she filled me in on the day’s events.

Alyssa and Michael broke up, she told me in the middle of correcting my trigonometry homework. Out of the blue.

I didn’t know they were together, I said.

Oh, yeah, well it happened while you were asleep, and I just didn’t have the heart to tell you he was seeing somebody.

Danny was my ex-boyfriend from eighth grade. Sorta. We only went on one date, but back then one date was enough. I did not think about him, ever, except when I saw him in the halls of school,