Head Girl
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Head Girl - Freya Daly Sadgrove
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
HUMAN EVOLUTION
I am curled up
in the vast body of my dread like the daughter
of a pestilential insect :
a larva calmly knitting itself an existence—
an evil thing , and soft— revolving in the dark
I am angry no no I am not :
I am asleep and dreaming of anger I am asleep
I am developing armour made of minuscule teeth
in ten years I will be ready to fight
1
HOUSE RULES
you can’t give me a kiss while Joy Division is playing ..... and tell me you’ll tear ..... me ..... apart ..... and then unfollow me on Instagram .................... you can’t keep doing hot things like ..... blinking ....................you can’t invite me over and introduce me to your damn hens ..... if they are not all named after me .................... you can’t seduce me upon my return from hospital .................... you can’t play a jaunty tune on your pan pipes when I am trying to masturbate .................... you can’t go around not telling everyone you see ..... including strangers ..... about me .................... you can’t bounce on a trampoline ..... with a torch jammed in your crotch ..... and call out to me does yours glow like mine .................... you can’t jump out of a hedge in front of me ..... on a country road ..... and not have me fall in love with you .................... you can’t remember my name .................... you can’t stamp on my face ..... even though it is right there .................... do not give me food or a ride in your car .................... you can’t introduce me to your friend ..... and have them compliment my smile with a resigned look .................... you can’t change my life .................... you can’t take my arm in yours and take me home via a glow worm cave ..... that is just not right .................... you can’t trivialise my psychiatric condition ..... oh wait ..... yeah you can .................... you can’t make me feel special for more than twenty-four hours or you’ll trigger the alarm .................... in this house we know that to drive away a boy ..... is effortless
I USED TO BE HEAD GIRL OF MY HIGH SCHOOL AND NOW I AM A MASSIVE CUNT
my high school boyfriend told me about his depression on a berm
the berm was in Karori where 35 percent of berms are
I burst into tears with real human efficiency
and then I got depression too out of empathy or fomo
I got asthma the same way when I was five years old
kicking the back of the passenger seat : me too actually I have that too
I started taking lithium because some lady wrote about it on the internet
and it sounded cool but then lithium made me fat
I totally wouldn’t care except my boobs have started oozing
over the top of my bra like fart putty with two fingers in it
and I cannot afford a new bra
look I can’t help being a go-getter
if life shoves a walnut through your ribs it’s your destiny
to go get more walnuts it’s the story of my success
just take a look at me now
now I have ten to twelve walnuts in and around me
cleverly disguised as corks on a traditional Australian outback hat
but actually taking up a lot of my field of vision
in each of them I have carved one little word : cunt
and I go around I just go around I just go around and around
and they are whirring in my face but I don’t let it get me down
I’m just going around and around
wearing a pink dress and laughing directly to camera
IN SHREK WHEN FIONA SAYS ‘ THIS IS NOT DIGNIFIED ! ’
I remember taking a shit once in Year One
and my two best friends demanded to come look at it afterwards
‘ disgusting ! ’ they remarked
I was embarrassed but also pleased
I have carpet burn on my knees
which I hate now that I am finally a woman
I hate the way I look up at boys..... I say
to my friends at a cool sleepover wiggling my brows
they are impressed I can tell
every time I try to wink I go cross-eyed
which is a difficult thing to build your sexuality around
but everyone loves and appreciates