One Great Lie
By Deb Caletti
4/5
()
About this ebook
A “quietly triumphant” (Horn Book Magazine) and atmospheric YA story of romance, mystery, and power about a young woman discovering her strength in lush, sultry Venice—from the Printz Honor–winning author of A Heart in a Body in the World.
When Charlotte wins a scholarship to a writing workshop in Venice with the charismatic and brilliant Luca Bruni, it’s a dream come true. Writing is her passion, she loves Bruni’s books, and going to that romantic and magical sinking city gives her the chance to solve a long-time family mystery about a Venetian poet deep in their lineage, Isabella Di Angelo, who just might be the real author of a very famous poem.
Bruni’s villa on the eerie island of La Calamita is extravagant—lush beyond belief, and the other students are both inspiring and intimidating. Venice itself is beautiful, charming, and seductive, but so is Luca Bruni. As his behavior becomes increasingly unnerving, and as Charlotte begins to unearth the long-lost work of Isabella with the help of sweet, smart Italian Dante, other things begin to rise, too—secrets about the past…and secrets about the present.
As the events of the summer build to a shattering climax, Charlotte will be forced to confront some dark truths about the history of powerful men—and about the determination of creative girls.
Deb Caletti
Deb Caletti is the award-winning and critically acclaimed author of over sixteen books for adults and young adults, including Honey, Baby, Sweetheart, a finalist for the National Book Award; A Heart in a Body in the World, a Michael L. Printz Honor Book; Girl, Unframed; and One Great Lie. Her books have also won the Josette Frank Award for Fiction, the Washington State Book Award, and numerous other state awards and honors, and she was a finalist for the PEN USA Award. She lives with her family in Seattle.
Read more from Deb Caletti
Hotel Angeline: A Novel in 36 Voices Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Nature of Jade Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A Heart in a Body in the World Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Stay Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Honey, Baby, Sweetheart Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Essential Maps for the Lost Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Story of Us Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Six Rules of Maybe Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Last Forever Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Fortunes of Indigo Skye Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Secret Life of Prince Charming Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Wild Roses Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Queen of Everything Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Love Is All You Need: Wild Roses; The Nature of Jade Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Related to One Great Lie
Related ebooks
The Unexpected Everything Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Girl, Unframed Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Essential Maps for the Lost Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5When the Light Went Out Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsTop Ten Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Start Here Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Now a Major Motion Picture Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Save the Date Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Your Destination Is on the Left Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Story of Us Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Fireworks Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5She's the Worst Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Ex-mas Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Geography of Lost Things Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5It Started with Goodbye Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5When We Caught Fire Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Anna K Away Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Just for Clicks Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Take Me Home Tonight Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Amy & Roger's Epic Detour Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5What You Left Me Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5In Honor Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Even If I Fall Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The How & the Why Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Queen of Everything Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5All-Star Love Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsGolden Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Key to the Golden Firebird Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Where Secrets Lie Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Secret Sisterhood of Heartbreakers Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5
YA Family For You
The Hate U Give: A Printz Honor Winner Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Giver Quartet Omnibus Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Red Queen Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Legendary: A Caraval Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Finale: A Caraval Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Caraval Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Giver: A Newbery Award Winner Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Bloodmarked Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5They Both Die at the End Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Poet X Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5War Storm Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Do-Over Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Allegedly Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Summary of Hello Beautiful: by Ann Napolitano - A Comprehensive Summary Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Gullstruck Island Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Gallant Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Heir Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Son Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Glass Sword Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This Savage Song Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Three Dark Crowns Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Blood Like Magic Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Rumble Fish Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Seedfolks Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5These Hollow Vows Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Pretty Little Liars Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5King's Cage Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Love & Gelato Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Reviews for One Great Lie
15 ratings5 reviews
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Deb Caletti does it again. In One Great Lie, Charlotte’s story comes with all the purposeful heartbreak one expects from Ms. Caletti. She excels at captures those sticky situations in which young women find themselves because they don’t have the life experiences to avoid them. In fact, this is one story I would make required reading for teens if only to show them just how easy it is for someone in a position of power to take advantage of someone else and silence their voice after the fact. At the same time, Ms. Caletti stresses the importance of the #metoo movement and its importance in reducing rape culture and the ongoing silence of victims. While watching all of this unfold through Charlotte’s eyes is as painful as you can imagine, One Great Lie is a must-read for anyone looking to be an ally for abuse victims.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5When a new Deb Caletti book comes along, I read it. Her writing relates to what young women are experiencing. It not all roses for Caletti heroines, there’s plenty of anguish, and confusion as they head into adulthood. In One Great Lie Charlotte, senior in high school, has won a scholarship to a writing workshop held on a private island close to Venice, Italy. Two things compelled her to apply. The first is her mother’s Italian heritage and a mystery about a Venetian poet, Isabella de Angelo, who lived in Venice in the 1500’s. The second reason Charlotte is so excited is the instructor is her favorite author. Things don’t turn out as Charlotte expect, but she does find “herself” but the skillful foreshadowing of the instructor’s predatory actions show that Charlotte is in for more than she planned. An afterword by the author tells of the research that went into writing this book.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Venice—family mysteries!Caletti’s YA novel with 17 year old student Charlotte cutting a literary swathe through Venice (that is if you count her research hours as a swathe!) Having been awarded the chance too attend a summer writer’s program in Venice led by her favourite Italian author Luca Bruni heads off taking with her a book of poetry, The Verses, supposedly written by a fifteenth century ancestor, Isabella di Angelo, a “great-great-(too many greats too count)-grandmother on her mother’s side.”Things don’t quite go according to plan and Charlotte ends up trying to track down Isabella and her writings.Of course their two lives collide in the written sense, the hunt for Isabella, who she was is fascinating—a mystery to be solved if possible.Likewise Charlotte’s journey has moments—of darkness and light, surrounding her search. This is equally as fascinating.A Simon and Schuster Children's Publishing ARC via NetGalley Please note: Quotes taken from an advanced reading copy maybe subject to change
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5In this time of the Me-Too movement, one of the plots of this YA novel was fairly predictable. Charlotte is an aspiring writer who is thrilled to be chosen to spend a summer in Venice under the tutelage of Bruni, her author idol. This will give her the opportunity to research her ancestor, a woman Charlotte is convinced was actually a wonderful but unrecognized poet who was overshadowed by her famous lover. There is plenty of foreshadowing that Bruni is not what he sees, and other female students show signs of being troubled by him, so Charlotte's eventual betrayal by him is not a surprise, but it is nonetheless moving. What is particularly poignant, though, is her tenacious research into early Venetian poets and the relationship that develops with a young archivist and his bookseller mom. This is both a cautionary tale and a satisfying mystery/romance.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5In Deb Caletti’s new YA novel, One Great Lie, Charlotte gets a scholarship to study writing with famous author Luca Bruni in Venice for the summer. She just graduated from high school, and can’t wait to travel and learn from her idol, but things don’t exactly go the way she hopes. A second plot line--more interesting in my opinion--revolves around the search for one of Charlotte’s ancestors who may have written a famous poem in the 16th century, but had it stolen from her because she was a woman. At times One Great Lie feels like two books smooshed together, but Caletti’s solid writing and the unraveling mystery of the poet carry the day. YA readers who enjoy a mix of romance, feminist ideas, contemporary issues, and a little bit of mystery will enjoy this book.
Book preview
One Great Lie - Deb Caletti
Chapter One
Lucchesia Sbarra, poet.
Published Rime, and possibly another volume, both lost.
(1576–unknown)
Picture it—the exact coordinates where Charlotte’s life will change and never change back: a table in the Seattle Public Library. On it—the book Biographical Encyclopedia of Literature: Sixteenth Century. Above—an angled ceiling of enormous glass panes, which makes the library feel like a space colony of the future. Just ahead—yellow escalators and green elevators, shades of disco-era neon that sometimes give Charlotte a migraine.
Now picture Charlotte herself—her long dark braid is over one shoulder. She’s wearing a sweatshirt, zipped all the way up, which looks kind of goofy, but who cares—she’s always cold. She’s trying to write a report on a long-ago female Renaissance poet Isabella di Angelo but can only find information about the guy everyone already knows about, Antonio Tasso. There’s tons and tons of stuff about Tasso and his poetry. But all she’s been able to unearth about Isabella di Angelo is this one fact, repeated again and again. Charlotte’s brown eyes stare down at it: Tasso’s longtime paramour. Paramour: old-fashioned word for someone Tasso had sex with.
Charlotte’s good friend Yasmin is across from her, studying for her macroeconomics test and sucking on sour apple Jolly Ranchers. Yas loves those. Whenever she leans over to talk to Charlotte, her breath is a great burst of fake-apple sweet. Charlotte’s boyfriend, Adam, is there too. He sits to her right, his knees touching hers under the table, the sleeves of his hoodie pushed up to his elbows. He’s always touching her like this, like she’s his lucky rock, or like he’s worried she’ll run off if he doesn’t hang on.
Nate sprawls in the chair next to Yasmin. They’ve been together since sophomore year, and Nate has stopped working out, and he has a little splootch of belly over his stomach, and he’s on his third day in that Kurt Cobain T-shirt, and this bothers Yasmin because he doesn’t seem to be trying anymore. Also, his pits have a slightly tangy odor, which is a constant problem for Yas. It’s the end of spring quarter, right before break, and Charlotte and Yasmin have serious stuff to do, because they’re perpetual overachievers with lots of AP classes, and graduation is coming. Charlotte’s got this term paper, which is going nowhere, and Yasmin’s final is going to be brutal.
Adam and Nate are just fucking around, though. Nate made a triangle football out of a note card, and Adam has his hands up like goalposts, and they’re flicking it back and forth and making whoops of victory and Aw!s of defeat, and they’re basically being way too loud for a library. A guy with a big beard and a backpack scowls at them. A little kid stares, wide-eyed, like they’re a riveting puppet show, maybe wishing he could get away with stuff like that.
"Guys, stop, Yasmin says.
Show some maturity." She sounds like her mother right then, Charlotte thinks. Yasmin’s mom is very serious, and always on her case about her grades even though she gets straight As. But Charlotte wants them to knock it off too. She and Yas are both the polite, anxious sort of people who worry about getting in trouble. She wishes she weren’t, but she can’t help it.
Nate tries to grab Yasmin’s butt, and she pulls away, annoyed. Charlotte looks up to see if the librarian is watching.
And that’s when it happens: Charlotte’s eyes scoot in a fateful arc, from Nate’s hand on Yasmin’s butt, across the space of the library, stopping just short of the librarian’s desk, because there it is, that flyer. It’s posted on a noticeboard hanging on the wall by the bank of escalators. She’s not sure why she didn’t see it before, because the words practically call out to her now, which is a cliché, but true.
Anything about writing calls out to her, though. Short-story contests, ads in the Stranger for writing classes, articles online. New notebooks, packages of pens, fat blocks of printer paper. Anything that has to do with writing has drawn her since she wrote her first story, The Land of the Mixed-Up Animals,
when she was seven. Wait, no. Anything about writing has pulled her in probably since she was five and read this line in Where the Wild Things Are: That very night in Max’s room a forest grew. Is that beautiful or what? Words were forests to explore in your very own room, warm tents to hide in, and magic cloaks that transformed you. I’LL EAT YOU UP! Max shouts to his mother, so words also let you be what you wished you could be—impolite and bold, someone who could talk back and get into trouble and not care.
After that book, even when she was that little, Charlotte would run to her room to madly scratch out some idea, and since then, piles of stories grew, her own forest where she could be wild. Her mind started to be a writer’s mind, with ideas constantly falling forward like an annoying wisp of hair you have to keep pushing aside. She stumbled on a secret: writing was a place she could be honest in ways she couldn’t in real life. And after that incredible discovery, all the sentences were roads leading to something meant, and all the ideas she’d urriedly scratch down were doorways to her future. She never wanted to be a veterinarian, then an astronaut, then a scientist, like most kids. Only a writer. And that report she’s working on, about that poet from way back in the 1500s? Isabella di Angelo was a great-great-great-(too many greats to count)-grandmother on her mother’s side, so, see? Isabella’s existence is proof that writing is in Charlotte’s blood.
A lot of people (okay, her father) don’t take her and her writing seriously. He acts like she’s making pictures with macaroni and glitter. But she has the will and intention of an artist already, even if she’s young and has a lot to learn. She’s making art right now, like you do when you’re an apprentice, and so is her friend Rebecca (photography), and Dara (painting), and if you don’t think so, you’re wrong, Charlotte’s sure. Her biggest dream: to say something that says something. How great would it be, to be one of those young writers you hear about, published ridiculously young? Her own photo in an artistic black-and-white on a jacket flap—can you even imagine it? She can. She does. She believes it can happen. She wants it. She can feel that want like a fire inside. No, that’s a cliché, too, and you’re supposed to avoid those, if you’re a writer. But the point is, it burns like a passion does.
Charlotte rises from her chair. Hey,
Adam says. He reaches out to tug the tail of her sweatshirt to bring her back to him. He thinks she’s mad at him for being obnoxious in the library. But she just wants to see that flyer. From there, she can only read the words Aspiring Writers.
Up close now… Wow. It’s advertising a new summer study abroad program, one you have to apply for. It looks expensive. Very. So, no way. It’s in Italy, on a private island, La Calamita, across the water from Venice. She’s never even heard of that island, and Italy feels like a planet in another cosmos. There’s a photo of a villa. Her family could never afford that.
But wait.
In smaller print: Scholarships Available.
Her heart actually speeds up with thrill-fear. But then, she sees another daunting phrase: College Students. She isn’t one now, but she will be in the fall. Does that even count? She’ll be enrolled. Technically, she’ll be one, right? There’s nothing about age, but, God, she’d probably be the youngest one there. This gives her an anxious whoosh of intimidation. She spins the rings on her fingers like she does when she gets nervous.
There’s also a romantic, grainy photo of a Venetian canal, with a gondolier guiding his boat under a bridge. It’s a basic shout of Venice, but who cares. It’s not corny or unoriginal to her. Not at all. It feels like fate. She’s in that library right this minute studying Isabella di Angelo, and Isabella di Angelo lived and died in Venice way back in the 1500s. Her mother’s side of the family was there for eons until her grandma moved to the US as a little girl. What are the odds? It feels like an offering, meant just for her.
Charlotte’s never even been on an airplane. A place like Venice is so hard to imagine, it almost doesn’t seem real—a postcard place. But now, look. She’s actually touching the glossy paper.
She removes the pushpin and takes the pamphlet down to examine it more closely. And that’s when something even more stunning and astonishing and terrifying and marvelous occurs, because inside the fold is Luca Bruni’s photo. She knows this photo; of course she does. It’s the one where he’s straddling a chair, his thin shoulders leaning toward the camera, his long arms folded. His hair is kind of a mess, and his nose is a mountain on his narrow face, but his dark eyes look right at you, into you.
Luca Bruni! Holy shit, Luca Bruni has a summer abroad writing program in Venice!
It’s incredible. God. God! He’s one of her favorite writers ever. Just the thought of him gives Charlotte that very particular reader’s pleasure, a sigh mixed with a thrill. Just the thought of him also gives her that particular writer’s pleasure, a sigh mixed with awe. Under his image, there’s a small paragraph with his bio, but who needs it? Who doesn’t know him? He’s known all over the world, a celebrity, the way only the tiniest handful of authors are.
As she stands in the library holding the pamphlet, Charlotte’s heart begins to thump in double-espresso time. Above her is the futuristic ceiling, and all around her are words, old words, new words, words from when Isabella di Angelo walked the stone streets of Venice in 1573. But more importantly, Luca Bruni stares up at her from that pamphlet, and two shelves over and four shelves up are some of the most beautiful words she’s ever read. She can lead you right to it, Luca Bruni’s shelf.
The words inside A Mile of Faces are so beautiful. The words inside Under the Sudden Sky, The Tide of Years, The Forever King, and The Glass Ship (oh, especially that one) are beautiful too. All of Luca Bruni’s work is beautiful, and powerful, and meaningful, and raging, and funny, and soul-crushing, and life-changing, full of blood and bone shards and heartbeats. And in his interviews, Luca Bruni himself is powerful, and meaningful, and raging, and funny; arrogant, and tender, but sometimes cruel, too, full of blood and bone shards and heartbeats.
This is what she knows more than anything else as she stands there, clutching the pamphlet, her chest filling with hope. She knows this without a doubt: Luca Bruni’s words—they will shatter you.
There’s something she doesn’t know, though. Not yet.
His words will shatter you, but so might he.
Chapter Two
Amedea Aleardi, poet.
Little is known of her life, and most of her work is lost.
(Dates unknown)
Charlotte feels some sort of determination, an iron core of it, rise in her body. A challenge, petrifying but exhilarating. This is what a dream feels like. An engine cranking up, a sky that stretches on and on. She replaces the pushpin, but not the pamphlet. It’s wrong to take it; she should just write down the information, but she’s already feeling proprietary and competitive. The fewer people that apply, the better.
Yasmin raises one eyebrow. They stare at each other, a meaningful stare full of paragraphs. Charlotte has looked into Yasmin’s eyes since they sat next to each other in that horrible algebra class in the ninth grade, when Mr. Shattuck would scream and throw the whiteboard eraser at anyone who talked. Charlotte would get bad, bad stomachaches in that class because she can’t stand it when anyone yells. It scares her, when you’re as good as you can be but still get screamed at. After that, she and Yas were forever friends, same as two soldiers in a trench.
Charlotte flashes Yas the pamphlet before tucking it into her backpack and zipping it up tight. Yasmin gives a slow nod of acknowledgment and grins. They know each other so well. Besides, Yas understands going for the impossible. She’s trying for a summer internship at NASA.
Totally,
Yasmin says. It’s an entire pep talk in a single word. Sometimes all you need is just one other person to believe along with you.
Score!
Nate shouts, and pounds the table with his fists.
It’s the kind of beautiful Seattle day that makes people wear shorts and take the tops down on their convertibles even though it’s too cold, if anyone’s honest. Which also means it’s a day where everyone in the city heads to Green Lake. After they leave the library, Charlotte sits on a blanket with Adam at their favorite spot on the grass, near the boat rentals. Yasmin and Nate run across the street to Starbucks. She and Adam are alone, aside from a million people at the park, so they kiss, and Adam sneaks his hand up her shirt.
They’ve been together since the fall when Adam and his dad moved here from Portland. Right away, she was drawn to the moody, brooding loner-ness about him, like she was light and he was dark, so together they were a full rotation of the Earth. He was so different from Owen Burke, her boyfriend during sophomore year, student body treasurer, tennis team captain, someone who would never step on a crack, just in case. Nope, Adam had shadings of her first serious crush, Jake Kerchek, eighth grade—the same piercing eyes and mop of hair, only Jake was slightly cruel (he made fun of her for being in orchestra) and mostly ignored her, except for when they were lab partners, where she did most of the work.
Charlotte probably has some messed-up draw to darkness, who knows, but Adam plays the guitar and he’s really good, and she loves that. He has that curly brown hair, and he’s thin, and she likes that, too, or rather, she likes the way his jeans just lay on his hips as if they’re balanced on a hanger. She was attracted to Adam in ways she was never attracted to Owen Burke, and when she had sex for the first time in Adam’s bed when his dad wasn’t home, she didn’t feel like she’d lost her virginity or anything else. She felt like she’d gained something: a secret, like the hidden, zippered compartment of a suitcase that makes it larger.
Now Adam’s tongue is slipping into the corners of her mouth, and his fingers are wriggling under the elastic of her bra. Usually, Charlotte loves kissing him, loves her skin on his skin, but she’s distracted. She’s thinking about what story she should write to submit with that application. Something strong, something Luca Bruni will relate to. Most people probably know him from that TV series they did of his book One Great Lie, but then again, A Mile of Faces is the one everyone studies in high school or college, the one that his fans always name as their favorite. It isn’t Charlotte’s favorite, though. It’s great, but The Glass Ship is hers. She feels ownership about it like that. Same as you do when you love a song from a band that no one’s really heard of yet.
She’s pretty sure The Glass Ship is Luca Bruni’s most personal and biographical book too. It’s just a guess, but a lot of details match the ones from his childhood—a sad, silent mother; an abusive, absent father who left them alone and poor in the village of Arquà Petrarca to go work in the US. Luca Bruni’s depression and mood swings, present forever after that.
Charlotte has the (ridiculous, childish, okay, but so what) feeling that if he knows The Glass Ship is her favorite, he’ll be pleased with her, like she can see something about him that other people don’t usually see. Maybe she should write about her own loneliness, since the ache of it drips off the pages in The Glass Ship, or about her silent, absent father and angry mother. He’ll feel a connection to her maybe, like she feels to him.
Char?
Adam pulls away and looks at her. Ugh! This sounds awful, since his hands were up her shirt, but she sort of forgot he was there, and now he’s noticed. That pamphlet in her bag is what she feels desire for right then, not Adam. She just wants to get home and get started.
Yas and Nate are coming.
It’s true, thank goodness—Nate’s holding the cardboard tray, and Yas pretends to stick a finger down her throat from seeing them make out. It’s a good excuse—Charlotte doesn’t want Adam to see the secret plan in her eyes. He’s always worried she’s about to break up with him. It’s like she’s his whole world, and she doesn’t want to be a world. She wants to be in a world. She wants to tromp around in it, explore it, own it. Plus, darkness is tiring sometimes. In her mind, her life has already changed, gone beyond Adam; she’s somewhere in another country, and the sun is hot, and boats slide through the waters of a canal, and words are everywhere. Written, spoken, taught; genius words, beautiful words, hanging like ripe lemons from a tree.
That night before dinner, Charlotte has her laptop open. She should be working on her report, but she isn’t. One: That report is becoming impossible and frustrating beyond belief, because Isabella di Angelo seems to be forgotten by everyone but her mother’s family. Two: Well, on one tab, there’s the website for Luca Bruni’s program. A hundred times already, she’s looked at the images of his villa on La Calamita, the words La Calamita a lyric in her head. On another tab, there’s the application for the scholarship, and on another, the blank page of a new document. It’s utterly empty except for her name and address in the upper left corner, and a blinking cursor.
That cursor insists. Hurry up, hurry up. I’m waiting, it says, again and again, and Charlotte kind of hates that cursor, but she kind of loves it too. It has the tick of a clock. Clocks are pressure, but they also say, You better get going and make the most of life.
A warm and buttery smell comes upstairs from the kitchen. Her mother, Adele, is back from work at Dr. Denton, DDS’s, where she scrapes and sprays and peers into the dark caverns of mouths, handing tools to Dr. Denton before he asks, anticipating his every fucking need. Those are Adele’s words. All the dirty work of the dentist for a fraction of the pay! Downstairs, she bangs pans around. The pans sound mad. Adele sounds mad a lot, even when she’s not talking. Charlotte feels guilty at that sound, really guilty. She’s gotten so good at guilt that she feels it whenever anyone is displeased or upset, or when she’s been a disappointment, or hasn’t given someone what they want. She should go down and help, but mad isn’t exactly inviting.
In the room next door, Charlotte’s little sister, Ella, plays some boy-band music. Adele yells for Ella to turn it down. This same scene has occurred at least twelve million times over the course of Charlotte’s life already. Marvin, their Jack Russell terrier, lies on Charlotte’s bed, snoring and farting as he sleeps.
Oh, Marv,
she says, and waves her hand.
It’s silly to even start on a story. Dinner will be ready any minute. Still, Charlotte’s dying to get to it. Instead, she fills in the easy parts of the application, the basic name-and-address stuff. Suddenly, Marv shoots off the bed, a dog rocket, barking his head off, racing downstairs as the front door opens.
Hey, guys!
her father yells.
Charlotte hears him trudge up the stairs. Trudge—it’s the exact right word, her writer-mind says. Her father has been gone for a week, but aside from Marv, no one dashes over to greet him because this is usual life. He’s a traveling salesman, though Charlotte only sees the traveling part. The sales part is a bit of a mystery. She’s not even exactly sure what he sells. Something to do with cellular technology. The wireless something-something that connects to the other something.
Hey, Dad,
she calls.
Through her half-open door, she can see him in her parents’ bedroom. He loosens his tie. He heaves his suitcase onto a chair and unzips it, retrieving his toiletry kit. Most of the time, he keeps his suitcase packed. Now, he disappears into their bathroom, and Charlotte hears a flood of peeing and then the opening and shutting of drawers, as if he can’t find things. When he returns after a trip, he seems weary and distracted and uncomfortable—lost, even. Their house is the hotel in a foreign city, and his real life is elsewhere. He spends a lot of time reading things on his tablet and makes very little conversation, like he’s waiting at the airport and they’re strangers he doesn’t want to make eye contact with, in case they start asking him where he’s from.
When Luca Bruni writes of loneliness, when he says his heart has a hole that the wind whistles through, she knows just what he means.
At the dinner table, the pan of mac and cheese is passed around, but the tension is the actual main course. You can stick a fork in it and eat it. Ella taps her foot to Charlotte’s. She catches Charlotte’s eyes. She makes an uh-oh face, her eyes big with alarm. Charlotte and Ella have a whole silent language of leg pinches and hand squeezes and glances. Mostly, those things just say watch out.
This is good, hon. Thanks,
Charlotte’s dad says.
Well, we’re glad you could join us.
Adele’s sarcasm… How would Charlotte write this? It’s the pointed end of a shovel scraping around Charlotte’s insides. And, you know, Charlotte gets it, she does—her mom is lonely too, same as Charlotte is, and mad, and left behind. Maybe Charlotte is also mad, but it’s hard to hear her own feelings when Adele’s are so loud. Adele’s feelings are a giant, fierce animal that takes up the whole room. Adele is also smart and funny, and loves them fiercely, but she also hates fiercely and is impatient fiercely and critical fiercely. Fiercely is a land you must tiptoe across so you don’t get blown up by a hidden mine. Fiercely has you cringing and waiting for something awful, pretty much on a permanent basis. I’LL EAT YOU UP! Max shouts at his mother, but Charlotte would never dare do that.
How’s school been, Char?
her dad asks.
How? Twenty million things happen in one day alone. Her dad doesn’t really know her. Then again, sometimes it feels like no one really knows her. Not even Yasmin, or Adam, or her second closest friend, Carly. Charlotte has secret spaces, and private thoughts, and unspeakable wishes, and, God, wouldn’t it be great to have just one right person you could show your true, unhidden self to?
Good,
she says.
How’re things with you, Ella?
Good,
Ella says. Another kick under the table.
Wow. This conversation is riveting.
Adele clanks her fork down. Charlotte’s doing a huge research project. Ella’s making a to-scale model of the Parthenon that’s already required three separate trips to Michaels, if you want to know what’s going on.
Ella pushes her plate away. She rolls the corner of her paper napkin into something that looks like what Luke James and his friends smoke out by the shop building at school.
Mom…,
Charlotte pleads, because, ugh! Can’t Adele just be pleasant for once? Can’t she try? The vicious circle is clear as day. Her mother is mad because her father keeps leaving, and her father keeps leaving because her mother is mad.
What?
He’s been gone for a whole…
This isn’t a good idea. She shuts up. The he moves his macaroni around his plate.
You always have to take his side, don’t you?
They sit in silence. Charlotte can actually hear her sister swallow her milk. Her mother, with her short dark hair starting to get tinsels of gray, stares out the window at a different life. Now the horrible tornado of guilt starts in Charlotte’s stomach and spirals up. It’s hard to explain why she feels guilty all the time; she just does. A silence like this could have been used as a medieval torture device. Her whole life is devouring her, slow second by slow second. She loves her family, really, a lot. It just seems like maybe love would feel different than this.
She’s got to get out of there. Do you see how badly she needs that writing program? A trip that takes her away? She wants to go to her room, to at least disappear inside of a book, because books let you go somewhere else while staying exactly where you are. She weighs the pros and cons of saying excuse me and leaving. Fiercely also could mean rages. Adele’s loving breath had been on Charlotte’s cheek, but her furious breath had too. These silences are almost worse, though. They could eat through metal, like the nitric acid from AP Chemistry, and all Charlotte has is her skin to protect her.
She stays put. After dinner, Charlotte and Ella clear the dishes. Upstairs, there’s the sound of muffled, intense voices. A fight. The macaroni and cheese has lost its shine and has settled into a congealed clump of defeat. Even though there’s only a little left, Charlotte sticks it in the fridge so they don’t have to wash the pan. She lets the fridge door smack shut. This is all the revolt and rebellion she can manage.
Want to come to my room?
Charlotte asks. Ella’s only twelve, but she has really bad anxiety, and fighting always makes it worse.
Nah, I’m okay,
Ella says.
Charlotte kisses the top of her sister’s head. It smelled like Suave, version strawberry. In her room, Charlotte puts her headphones on. She can’t hear the argument, but she can still feel the tension. Tension is in her bones. She has tension for bone marrow, and stress deep down in her DNA.
Any thoughts of working on the application are gone. She can’t do creative and hopeful things when a big mattress of sad-guilt-gross lies on her. Maybe this is what it feels like to be depressed. She always thought depressed meant crying all the time, but maybe not.
Charlotte takes off her clothes