Witch Catastrophe in Westerham: Paranormal Bureau Cosy Mystery Book 17

Chapter 1

W ow, the place is gor— I stopped just inside the doorway, the sight in the living room beyond halting both my words and my feet.

Angelica, who’d been leading the way, ceased walking and turned back to me. What’s wrong, dear?

I was going to say how gorgeous the place was, but that cage kind of wrecks it. A steel-barred cage sat the middle of the large room, ruining the elegant effect of timber floors, crisp white walls, and gothic-style stone-framed windows in Angelica’s Cotswold cottage. Thick curtains hung over the windows. Definitely a precaution against people seeing the monstrosity inside. And I was talking about Chad, not the cage. I have to say, I’m disappointed to be finding out about your holiday house so late in the game.

Angelica shrugged one shoulder. Sorry, dear. I try to keep this place a secret. No one other than James and your mother knows about this place.

Now I know, and so does that idiot. Chad glared at me from his seat in one corner of the cage. It was big enough for an armchair—how thoughtful of Angelica—and a single bed.

Yes, but neither of you knows the address or coordinates. And he doesn’t even know this is mine, or that it’s in the Cotswolds. Angelica had put up a total bubble of silence when we’d stepped into the reception room. Don’t tell him anything.

Witch’s honour, I won’t say anything.

She raised a brow. Witch’s honour? What nonsense are you going on about now?

Would you rather that I swore on my mother’s life?

Don’t be ridiculous, Lily. Just saying okay would be sufficient.

Okay. Okay.

Once is enough.

Okay. I smirked. The two okays were for different things, but it was kind of amusing, and the third one sealed the deal.

She shook her head. Let’s hurry along, dear. He has a message to call Brosnan back. I could spell him to say what we want, but it’s complicated. There’s a margin for error. It would be easier if he had incentive.

Okay. She folded her arms and gave me a look. Ah, no, I didn’t mean it as a joke. I’m agreeing with you. You did say that a simple okay would suffice, did you not?

She sighed. I suppose I did. Just hurry it along. I’m going to drop the bubble of total silence now. Not wanting to poke the bear any more than I already had, I kept my okay to myself and just nodded.

Angelica dropped the spell, and we made our way to the cage. Chad glared up at us, a silver bracelet gleaming from his wrist. Angelica had kept hold of the one that Beren’s brother had used on me last week. They’d also found two more at the house he’d rented for the wedding. I shuddered. That had been a close call for Liv and me. But we were all fine, so time to move on. James was holding onto one of the bracelets, and Millicent’s dad was studying the other with a view to creating improved magic-blocking implements. The bracelets had a different set-up to the PIB handcuffs, apparently. Not that that meant much to me. Technically, I had as much insight into magic as I did into the way a plane worked. I just used it and trusted the process. Sometimes I crashed and burned, and sometimes I reached my destination.

Chad stood and folded his arms. Let me out of here. This is pee-posterous!

I laughed. Is that ‘pee’ as in the little, green, round things or the wet, yellow stuff? Angelica’s lips twitched, but she held her mirth inside like a good agent. Chad just looked blankly. I shook my head. He really had no idea how stupid he was.

He pressed his lips together and pointed at Angelica, then me. You’re both going to spend the rest of your lives in jail for this… arresting the acting head of the PIB. I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Traitors!

Angelica managed a surprised expression. Oh, reeeeally, Chad. Is that before or after the directors kill us? She made a good point. That’s what he’d said would happen when the directors found out we’d discovered their secret to shut everything down to help a huge criminal organisation. How much money were they getting for that? If they were paying the idiot in the cage two million pounds, they must be making a fortune.

He answered with a harrumph. That was probably the smartest thing he’d ever said… or sounded out.

Angelica looked at me and gave a slight chin tip. That was the signal for me to go for it. We needed leverage with him so he’d do what we wanted. As much as we were in this neck-deep, Angelica and James wanted to maintain some semblance of respect for the law and PIB rules. So, instead of controlling his mind—which was highly illegal and took a lot of skill and energy—they wanted to use old-fashioned blackmail. An audio device was always listening and would record everything to a computer at James’s place. It was time for me to do what I came for.

Chad couldn’t lie to me, and it tickled my little heart every time his face smooshed with frustration after he’d said something he hadn’t wanted to. According to James and Angelica, this wasn’t breaking the rules since he’d accidentally cast the must-answer-and-answer-truthfully spell on himself.

I rubbed my hands together and grinned. Angelica looked at me and raised a brow. You’re enjoying this entirely too much.

Really? You really think that?

She tapped her chin several times in thought. Okay, maybe not. You have me there. But I should exude some semblance of sensibleness.

Fair enough. Being in charge does have its downside.

She gave me a grave look. It certainly does, dear. It certainly does.

Chad fell back into his armchair. His legs lifted, as if he was going to plonk them on a table, but there was no table, and they fell to the floor with a thump. He scowled. Angelica and I both smiled. Sucked in, Chadiot.

I magicked an armchair from across the room and sat. I folded my hands in my lap. So, Chaddy, I’m going to ask you a few questions.

His eyes widened. No!

You would be doing the exact same thing to me, had your spell worked. All I can say is bad luck. Suck it up.

He jumped to his feet. Looking at Angelica, he pointed at me. Are you just going to let her talk to me like that? This is a level of disrespect I’ve never seen at the PIB.

Angelica’s gaze turned flinty, her tone cold. I’ve seen that level of disrespect before. When a certain someone named Chad blah, blah, blah the third took over my job. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, I hope it gives you blisters. Ooh, Angelica didn’t usually let people get to her, but then again, because of Chad and the directors, she’d had to leave the PIB and take crap from Chad, a clearly inferior being of questionable intelligence. It had to hurt every time she’d dealt with him before we’d taken matters way over the line. I’d seen her bite her tongue on so many occasions that this was probably a smidgeon of the vitriol she should be dishing out.

Chad sat up straighter. He inhaled violently, his chest puffing up in indignation. His mouth opened, and I held up my hand. He didn’t get to defend himself anymore. It was time for more answers. What’s your favourite ice cream flavour? Oh my God, that was the first question that came to my brain? I shook my head at myself.

Whatever complaint had manifested in his mouth, it disappeared, replaced by, Octopus.

What the…? How was that even an ice cream flavour? I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment. Ew. If it hadn’t been for the spell, I would’ve thought he was lying. Maybe he’d misheard me? Could magic do that, make a mistake? I opened my eyes. "Your favourite ice cream—I made sure to enunciate it clearly—is octopus?"

He lifted his chin and folded his arms. Yes. So what?

Angelica and I shared a disturbed look; then I turned back to him again. It’s just gross. That’s all. I cleared my throat. Time for questions we could use the answers to. Angelica had briefed me last night about what she wanted asked. I just needed to pick one and go with it. Are there plans to shut down any other PIB offices?

Yes. New York. He slapped his hand over his mouth way too late. I smirked. Not that the answer made me happy, but his discomfort was such a joy to behold.

Do all the UK directors know what’s going on.

Yes.

I turned to Angelica, finding only her poker face. She was giving me nothing, which likely meant bad things. The head director had been on her side, as far as we’d all thought. Were we wrong, or was he pretending to be in on it so he could foil it later? He’d obviously never said anything to Angelica, because this shutting-down-the-PIB thing had come as a huge shock to her. It did mean that we couldn’t approach him now or ask for his help, just in case. So typical that things had to become more complicated. It was a theme in my life.

Do the New York directors know anything about it?

One of four.

What’s his name?

Ronald Reagan.

Of course it was. I looked at Angelica. Do they do western-movie actors over there, or is this a president thing?

A president thing, dear. They’re very patriotic.

"Okay. I suppose presidents are just as good a choice as James Bond actors." I hooked my gaze on Chad. He squirmed and turned slightly away from me. Something on the ground suddenly seized his interest. You can’t run, and you can’t hide, Chadiot. Next question coming up. When is your next face-to-face meeting with the directors, and where is it?

Tomorrow, 7:00 p.m. at the London office in Mayfair. He slammed a fist down onto the chair arm.

Sucks to be you right now, doesn’t it?

He glared and gritted out, Yes.

I chuckled. He hadn’t wanted to agree, but the spell demanded he be truthful. This was too much fun. What were you supposed to do when the UK PIB shut down and you returned to New York?

His lips pressed together, then tried to open. Sweat popped out on his forehead as he attempted to resist, and his lips performed a bizarre wriggle-undulation combo like lizard tails that had just fallen off. I— w— was to start the ball rolling over there so we could eventually shut it down. His breath sawed in and out as if he’d just sprinted a few laps around the living room. Telling the truth could be hard work.

When were you planning on firing Will?

Next week.

Was anyone else supposed to be fired at the same time?

Yes. Imani. His chin tipped up at this, defiance in his eyes. Of course he would gloat over that.

Do you still think that’s going to happen?

Yes, probably. I’m going to get out of here and tell the directors. When they find out, you’ll all be as good as dead. I may not get to fire any of you if they get to you first though. That’s the only negative in this whole darn situation. I wanted to see you all suffer first.

I rolled my eyes. What a charming man. Do you have to do what we say? This was to confirm what Angelica thought from the look of the spell—it wasn’t just to tell the truth; it could also be used to order people around. He’d told me to find out what I could about Angelica and had assumed I would comply, but it was better to be safe than sorry. Who knew—he might have just thought I was scared of him and would obey out of fear. Never going to happen.

His face twisted with the effort of keeping his mouth shut. He lost. Yes. Tears flooded his eyes and rolled down his reddened cheeks. Poor baby.

I believed him, but best to test our theory before we sent him into the lion’s den tomorrow. I drew on my magic, and a small plastic container appeared in my hand. It was empty, but it wouldn’t be for long. I pictured Angelica’s backyard and willed something into the container. Six small, dark pellets appeared. Even I could admit I was terribly cruel as I magicked the container into his lap. Eat what’s in the container.

Angelica’s eyes widened. You’re not….

I looked at her. We need to know if he’ll do exactly as we say. If it’s too easy, it won’t work. Our lives depend on it.

She blew out a breath. Fine. You’re right. That admission likely pained her. If only we didn’t have to be in this situation in the first place.

Chad sobbed. Is this rat poo?

I made a game-show-fail noise. Ba bow. Guess again!

His brow furrowed, and his bottom lip quivered. Squirrel poo?

I nodded, a sage expression on my face. We have a winner, folks! I’d like you to eat all the squirrel poo, please. It’s not that much. Just be thankful I don’t own a dog. I tapped my chin with my index finger. Oh, that’s right. I do! And home’s only a portal away. I grinned. Another reason I was going to hell. Oh, well. Might as well do the crime if I was going to do the time.

Chad’s mouth stayed closed, but his brows drew together, as if they were trying to touch and give each other comfort. His hand gripped the container. He stared into it, haunted. At least I’d picked something he found horrific—he didn’t strike me as a good actor.

I leaned forward. Eat. The. Poo. I smiled. It wasn’t every day I got to say that. Shame Will and Imani weren’t here to watch this. They would’ve enjoyed it. I didn’t want to film it because that was just too cruel. Or was it?

His shaking hands lifted the container to his mouth, which slowly opened. He tilted his head back, squeezed his eyes shut, and tipped the little brown pellets into his mouth. I would’ve magicked the poo away, but he had to know we would be true to our word. If we threatened him, he had to know we’d go through with it, no matter what. Because I wasn’t the most horrible person on the planet, I magicked a glass of water onto the small side table next to his armchair. There’s water there if you want to wash out the taste.

His eyes sprang open. He grabbed the water and threw it down his throat, then looked up at me, and I almost apologised. Defeat and fear swam in his gaze, but anger nipped at their tails, reminding me of all the crap things he’d done to me and those I loved, all for money. He had no scruples—he was happy to have a lawless society, at least when it came to witches, and he was ready to stand by and watch us all get murdered. Grrr. My jaw clenched. That stinking pile of sh—

Angelica touched my arm. Lily, are you all right?

I shook myself out of my escalating rage spiral and met her gaze. Yes, thanks, Ma’am. I’m extremely all right. I hoped Chad took notice of the fact I’d called her Ma’am. She was in charge again, and God, it felt good. Even if it wasn’t a sanctioned change, it was legit as far as I was concerned.

She assessed me for a moment longer, then looked at Chad. Lily has something else to tell you, so you’d better listen up.

He sneered but wisely kept quiet.

I folded my arms and gave him my best you’re going to do what I say or else glare. "Tomorrow, when you go to that meeting, you are going to act as if nothing has happened. You are going to pretend all is well at the PIB and with the directors’ plans, and if they ask you about Angelica, James, Will, Imani, Liv, Millicent, or Beren, you are going to tell them they’ve been working hard and you’re going to fire Will and Imani next week. If they ask about me, you’re going to tell them my special talents include truth-telling—just like my brother—and heightened observation. When you are finished with the meeting, you are going to magic yourself back to PIB headquarters, go to your office, and wait there for Angelica. Before you go, Angelica will take