Wonderful Counselor: A Journey Through Grief and Healing with the Holy Spirit

Copyright © 2016 Alicia Crawley.

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ISBN: 978-1-4908-8758-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-8759-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015916306

WestBow Press rev. date: 01/22/2016

Contents

Preface

Acknowledgements

Chapter 1—Springs of Living Water

Chapter 2—Plunged into the Valley

Chapter 3—Turmoil

Chapter 4—Hope: Heaven and the Restoration of all Things

Chapter 5—How to Go On?

Chapter 6—The Battle: Fear and Doubt

Chapter 7—Betrayal: Reconciling Love and Sovereignty

Chapter 8—Good from Tragedy

Chapter 9—Refined Faith

Chapter 10—Restored Intimacy

Chapter 11—Renewed Vision

Chapter 12—Precious Gifts

Chapter 13—Grieving with Others

Afterword

Resources

Scriptures of God’s Presence, Peace, Promise, and Purpose

Recommended Grief Books

One on One with God

Endnotes

Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

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Scripture quotations marked (CEV) are from the Contemporary English Version Copyright © 1991, 1992, 1995 by American Bible Society, Used by Permission.

Scripture quotations marked (AMP) are taken from the Amplified® Bible,

Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation

Used by permission. www.Lockman.org

Scripture quotations marked (NKJV) are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved

Scripture quotations marked (ESV) are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®, copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved

For Christ Jesus my King.

May you be forever worshiped

for your power

to save and heal the broken.

And for Lauren Michelle,

my beautiful daughter

with whom I cannot wait to spend eternity

in the presence of our King.

And we have received God’s Spirit (not the world’s spirit), so we can know the wonderful things God has freely given us.

1 Corinthians 2:12

Preface

If you are old enough to read this sentence, you’ve probably discovered that the world is not all it promises to be. Our childlike wonder and idealistic desire to fulfill our dreams are eventually tempered by reality. Broken relationships, bad decisions, disappointments, tragedy and loss come to us all in one form or another. Of course there are real joys in life as well, and some dreams do come true. We do well to embrace these good gifts from God with gratitude and contentment.

But trials inevitably come, for this world is broken by sin. All of us go our own way, pursuing self instead of God. And oh, how wise He is to allow the very consequences of our sin to break us and turn us to Him. He can only do this, though, when we are humble enough to see our broken ways, and brokenness.

It seems to me, as I look around, that we’re becoming pretty good at recognizing brokenness in our lives. (We’ve always been able to recognize it in others!) Some choose to ignore it, stuffing it deep inside, and some try to cover it up by any number of means—distractions, busyness, achievement or addictions. But others reach out for help. The question is, where do we turn when we experience things that break us and we realize we need help? The world turns to any number of options: self-help books and seminars, support groups, therapists, psychology, and medication. All of these avenues can be very helpful and good choices. Today, many Christians receive the help they need from these sources, especially if they find God-centered ones.

My purpose in this book is not to discount any of the ways to get help listed above. I believe God gave us the ability to pursue knowledge and understanding in order to have healthier lives. I’m thankful for medical and psychological breakthroughs that have shed light on my problems and those of our society and world. I’ve read any number of books and articles in search of help with my own hurts and brokenness.

Rather than tossing those things out, I want instead to explore with you what I believe to be a tragically ignored resource available to every follower of Christ. It is by far the greatest we could ever hope to find, one that far exceeds any human effort. What is this resource? I’m talking about the Holy Spirit, who lives in everyone who has put their trust in the Lord Jesus Christ. This third member of the Trinity has been so misunderstood, misrepresented, and even feared, that we no longer realize the amazing gift He truly is.

Jesus said in John 14, And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor, who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth (v. 16). Later, He remarked, But it is actually best for you that I go away, because if I don’t, the Counselor won’t come. If I do go away, he will come because I will send him to you (John 16:7). The Holy Spirit Jesus promised now lives inside of every believer. He is called many things—Comforter, Encourager, Advocate, Counselor. What an incredible gift! Jesus valued the Holy Spirit so much that He saw leaving His disciples as a good thing, because it was the only way He could send the Spirit to them.

Why was it better for them to have the Holy Spirit in them rather than the physical Jesus with them? Because the Holy Spirit could actually transform them from the inside out. And He could be their power source for all He wanted to accomplish through them. It’s easy to see the difference the Holy Spirit made in the disciples’ own lives. After the resurrection, they had the risen Christ with them, yet they still hid behind closed doors, didn’t know their purpose (why did they return to their fishing business in Galilee?), and thought Jesus’ next move would be to establish His earthly kingdom (see Acts 1:6). But after Jesus ascended, the Holy Spirit came to them on the day of Pentecost. They became an unstoppable force such as the world had ever seen. Three thousand people turned to Christ that day, and soon after, 5000 more were added. The disciples then took the Gospel to the Gentile world, and almost all of them were eventually martyred for their faith and boldness.

The difference? The Holy Spirit in them.

But how does this relate to our lives today? Believers are still called to take the Gospel to the world and this can only be done through the power of the Holy Spirit living in us. But is this the only work of the Holy Spirit? No, for I believe there is life-giving, healing, and transforming work He does on the inside of each of us. This work is essential to the outward work of changing the world, because He does it one heart at a time. As we are healed and changed, He heals and changes the world around us, through us.

So where am I going with all this? Let’s go back to my original premise, that in our world today, believers turn most often to human sources of help when they are hurting and broken. They largely ignore their greatest resource, the Holy Spirit, our Counselor. The following pages are my own journey of brokenness, loss, and healing, and how, by His grace, God led me to seek His counsel day after day. When it was all I could do to get out of bed, and the thought of facing another day threatened to overwhelm me, He drew me gently to meet with Him. During the process, I didn’t recognize myself or my life anymore, much less what He was doing in me. But as I progressed, He showed me He was healing me one day at a time. His Word was life to me, His truth the healing balm that made me able to go on. Not only that, but the Holy Spirit’s power worked through me. He gave me the strength to find joy again in the work of His Kingdom.

Along the way, I shared with close friends some of the things God was teaching me. Occasionally one of them would urge me to write a book, but I didn’t seriously consider it. I eventually had at least ten journals recording my times with the Holy Spirit in His Word. But, I didn’t want to publish them without a clear purpose or message. There were many grief books already available, and I didn’t think I had anything significant to add.

One day in early fall of 2010, two-and-a-half years into my grief journey, I was again considering a question I asked myself many times: Should I have sought professional counseling or joined a grief support group? Throughout the process of grief, I never felt comfortable doing so. I couldn’t pinpoint why, I just felt that it would not address my needs. But, when I asked the question that day, I heard the Holy Spirit answer me: I have been your counselor; you didn’t need anything else.

Thinking about it, I realized it was true. The Holy Spirit met every need, answered every question (in His way, not mine), and brought incredible healing to me in the Word of God every day. I didn’t need anything else. He alone knew how to walk me through grief. He addressed its complicated issues in the right order for my unique way of processing it all. If I had reached an impasse or found myself unable to connect with God, I would have sought Bible-based professional help. I encourage anyone to do so if they need it.

But God had a different grief journey in mind for me, for a reason. That fall day in 2010, God gave me the message I was to share in a book based on my journals. It was a message I hadn’t read in any other book: The Holy Spirit is my Wonderful Counselor, the greatest resource I have as a child of God. He carried me better than anyone could have through the darkest valley of my life, bringing me to healing on the other side.

I’ve been asked what is the one grief book that helped me most. For a long time, this was hard to answer. I would eventually come up with a book or two, always based on Scripture. That question, and compiling this book from my journals, made me realize that the best grief book is the Bible, hands down. It’s also the best marriage book, parenting book, financial advice book, and life-management book. In fact, the Bible is the best book on any topic a person might need to seek help for. But it must be read with the help of the Holy Spirit. The best Counselor using the best book of Counsel brings the most wisdom and healing to anyone in any situation.

The following pages share three years of intense grief counseling I received from the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ. They are filled with scripture, narration, and journal entries, and divided into topics. The story is fairly chronological, but also takes each topic individually from start to finish. By revealing how God met me in the depths of my pain, it’s my prayer that you’ll see how completely God’s Word addresses the hardest questions, and how the Holy Spirit beautifully applies its wisdom to our greatest needs.

I haven’t come to the place of total healing, for that will only happen when I stand before Jesus face to face. But I have come to a place of greater healing, wholeness and fulfillment than I have ever known. And because the Holy Spirit walked me through the process, He was able to deepen my relationship with Christ beyond anything I could have ever dreamed. I know Him better than I ever have. I believe that was part of His purpose in my journey all along. I want to continue this journey from brokenness to wholeness with Him, my Wonderful Counselor. And I want you to do the same. Most importantly, He wants you to do it, to take your own journey with Him to wholeness and intimate relationship with Him.

My prayer for you is this:

Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks…how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him?

Luke 11:9-10, 13

Acknowledgements

No book is written alone. First and foremost, I must thank the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ. You are the one who lovingly wrote this message one day at a time in my heart and in my journals. It is Your wisdom, Your truth, Your story. It would not have been written without You. I am forever Yours.

To my husband, Scott, thank you for your unwavering love for me, and for your enthusiastic support of this book. You have cheered me on, sharing priceless insights on the nature of God with me. You walked with me day after day through our grief, as we cried and prayed together. You allow me to leave you with the kids as I answer God’s call to go in His name, and you let me worship beside you. You are the love of my life, second only to our first love, the Lord Jesus Christ.

To my boys, Jordan and Jonathan. You are the most amazing young men I know and I am so proud of you. Lauren loved you deeply while she was here, and I know she eagerly anticipates the day she will see you again. So do I. For now, I am deeply grateful to God for each day He gifts me with your presence in this world. I know you will follow Jesus all the days of your life. I love you both with all my heart.

I want to thank the people who made this book possible by sharing their valuable talents with me. To my friend, Dana Drummond, for your expert editing and advice, and for your personal encouragement. Dana, I cannot put a price tag on your help and support. This book would not be what it is without you.

Thanks also to many of my friends and family who proof-read chapters for me: my mom, Patty Houser; my sister, Vicki Schmidt; my mother-in-law, Dixie Crawley; my sister-in-law, Tammy Crawley; Leah Horner; Jamie Watkins; Rebecca Brown; Andrea Graver; Wendy English; Alisa Wilburn; Tammy Vincent; and Courtney Bullard. I appreciate so much your willingness to help and the objective eye you lent to this project. Far beyond that, your friendship means more to me than you will ever know. All of you played a big part in my healing as the hands and feet of Christ. I love you.

To my safe people: Judy, Alisa, Gwen, Julie, Andrea, Tammy, Wendy, Courtney, Melissa. Wow, I am blessed! Thank you for letting me not be okay. I can never repay you and I love you.

To the many others who walked with us through the valley and carried us with your prayers and practical gifts. I wish I could name you all, but there are too many to count.

To Kathy Sue Roberts, for the pictures she donated for this project: the beautiful headshot of Lauren, and the family photo. Thank you for sharing your talent with us and for loving our daughter.

To Brenda Horan, for the free gift of a photo shoot and author headshot. What a gift from a new friend in Christ! May God bless your ministry.

Chapter 1—Springs of Living Water

I entered the story of God in 1964, the first child of my parents, who provided a wonderful Christian home for me. I have a younger sister and brother, and all three of us were reared in a faith lived out before us. We all embraced this faith, a blessing to my parents because of their faithfulness to God.

Happily ever after, right? No. The human story never quite goes like that, and neither does mine. I share my beginnings to show: 1) I have no real family dysfunction I can blame for my own broken condition; and 2) the work of God in a life is completely supernatural. My parents will, I have no doubt, be richly rewarded in heaven for what they sowed into our lives. Even now, God has produced much fruit in our family because of their faithfulness. But their efforts to lead me to embrace faith in Christ couldn’t guarantee that I would do so.

Ultimately, I could only experience new life in Christ through the work of the Holy Spirit in my heart. And while the seeds of faith were sown into my life in childhood, that true saving work came years after I left home and began a family of my own. Until then, I lived under a faulty understanding of God. I saw Him as a loving God, but more in a dutiful, general sense than as a God of personal love. He might love the world, but surely His love for me could only be out of obligation. I was such a mess inside that I thought He could barely tolerate me and was always disappointed in my failed efforts to be a godly person. I could do many outwardly good things: direct children’s activities at church, sing in the choir, read my Bible and teach it to my children. But even these things were an effort, and I often fell into bad behavior—fits of anger, complaining, and judging others. I hated not being able to change myself, and I walked under a cloud of guilt over failing constantly. Out of that cloud, I envisioned God’s disappointed gaze falling on me.

In January of 2001, God began a new work in my heart. My marriage of seventeen years was troubled, largely because of my attitude and actions toward my husband, Scott. Though he would never have left, Scott distanced himself from me over time as I became more controlling and dissatisfied. We would have stayed together no matter how estranged my behavior made us. But God had something better in mind.

Shortly after Christmas, I read The Prayer of Jabez by Bruce Wilkinson. I prayed, Lord, bless me indeed! from that prayer, not knowing what in the world I was praying for. But God knew. He poured out the blessing of softening my heart toward my husband. I stopped nagging and putting demands on Scott to satisfy my cavernous need for love and affirmation. I no longer tried to control him, freeing him to be himself without angry repercussions from me. Scott immediately recognized the difference in me and still mentions it occasionally today. I can only explain this change in me as a work of the Holy Spirit preparing my heart for what He was about to do next.

In early April, 2001, several events transpired that opened my eyes to the true nature of God’s passionate and personal love for me. The first was an Easter production at my sister Vicki’s church. My six-year-old nephew Brian played a crippled child healed by Jesus. As Jesus held and loved this boy that I loved, God spoke to my heart. "My love is real and personal, not distant and dutiful. I am in love with this one you know. I am in love with you."

Days later, I read He Chose the Nails, by Max Lucado, in which he explores all that Christ suffered for our salvation: Why did He choose the nails? The crown of thorns? The whip? The spear? Why did He give up His robe? His life?

I did it just for you. (p.9)

For me? Just for me? Could He really love me that much?

In He Chose the Nails, Lucado tells the story of a girl named Madeline and her father Joe. When Madeline was young,