Any Sign of Life
By Rae Carson
3.5/5
()
About this ebook
“Any Sign of Life is a heartbreaking story filled with courage, friendship, and personality. Paige Miller is the perfect team-up buddy in an apocalypse. I was with her when she lost everything, and stood right next to her when she took it all back.”—Wesley Chu, #1 New York Times–bestselling author of the War Arts Saga
“A timely update to classic postapocalyptic YA.”—Publishers Weekly (starred review)
“A smart, suspenseful thriller. Totally un-put-down-able.”—Kirkus Reviews
When a teenage girl thinks she may be the only person left alive in her town—maybe in the whole world—she must rely on hope, trust, and her own resilience. A harrowing and pulse-pounding survival story from New York Times–bestselling author Rae Carson. Any Sign of Life is a must-have for readers of Rick Yancey’s The 5th Wave and Neal Shusterman and Jarrod Shusterman’s Dry.
Paige Miller is determined to take her basketball team to the state championship, maybe even beyond. But as March Madness heats up, Paige falls deathly ill. Days later, she wakes up attached to an IV and learns that the whole world has perished. Everyone she loves, and all of her dreams for the future—they’re gone.
But Paige is a warrior. She pushes through her fear and her grief and gets through each day scrounging for food, for shelter, for safety. As she struggles with her new reality, Paige learns that the apocalypse did not happen by accident. And that there are worse things than being alone.
New York Times–bestselling author Rae Carson tells a contemporary and all-too-realistic story about surviving against the odds in this near-future thriller. Any Sign of Life will electrify fans of Rory Power’s Wilder Girls and Emily St. John Mandel’s Station Eleven.
Rae Carson
Rae Carson is the author of two bestselling and award-winning trilogies, as well as the acclaimed stand-alone novels Any Sign of Life and The Empire of Dreams. Her debut, The Girl of Fire and Thorns, was named a William C. Morris Award finalist and an Andre Norton Award finalist. Walk on Earth a Stranger was longlisted for the 2015 National Book Award and won the Western Writers of America Spur Award. Her books tend to contain adventure, magic, and smart girls who make (mostly) smart choices. Originally from California, Rae Carson now lives in Ohio with her husband. www.raecarson.com
Read more from Rae Carson
The Empire of Dreams Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Dangerous Voices Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5
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Reviews for Any Sign of Life
23 ratings5 reviews
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This was a decent dystopian novel. The characters were varied and interesting and the setting was eerily believable. My main problem with it is the ending, so I can't say a lot there. If you like dystopians, it is worth the read.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I am not a professional reviewer, I just enjoy reading books and sharing my thoughts about them. I also have no sense of what counts as a spoiler, so read at your own risk! I also cuss like a sailor.Before we begin, I feel the need to say that I got sick right as I finished this book, so it's been several days since I completed it and my memory ain't that great. For that, I'm sorry, but I'll do my best to categorize what I thought about this book. I'm still recovering so my brain is wonky and I'm forcing myself to write this before I lose more of my memory of this book so forgive me if I don't make sense. I won this book in a giveaway.After finishing chapter one, I was really intrigued by what was happening. The copy I got also says it's an unread proof, but there was very few mistakes throughout this book which was honestly surprising to me since my own proofs are FULL of mistakes. Big points for that aspect. I really love the cover and I felt curious to see what was going to happen.This started as the flu and then wiped out most of the population in six days. Hmm, it's beginning to look a lot like covid~{When I was younger, the coronavirus seemed to last forever.}Oh... I guess it ISN'T a covid story then, for fuck's sake lmao One thing that threw me off a lot was the mention of the monstrosity. When the explosion started, she grabbed the 'monstrosity' and darted from the house but I could NOT figure out what the fuck it was until many chapters later.{"That dish is called the Monstrosity, and it's coming with us. Nonnegotiable."}I'm honestly not even sure if she mentioned the name - it's the bowl she made by the way - and I honestly couldn't be bothered to go back and check to see if she did mention it. I just know that it left me scratching my head a few times until I finally realized it was the damn bowl.{I open the back of the car, lift the cargo mat, and hit pay dirt. Not a crowbar, but a tire iron will do just fine.}This is another thing that really fucking confused me. When she said 'pay dirt' I imagine that with a negative connotation. I have NEVER heard this phrase used in my twenty-eight years of life and every time I read it, I figured she didn't find what she was looking for only to find out it's a positive thing meaning she DID find what she was looking for.Now, most of the time when I get books, especially giveaway books, I don't read the synopsis which is how this book went for me. I didn't realize it was Sci-Fi, which is one of my least favorite genres. I'm not big on space or aliens at all. I'm not a non-believer per se but it just feels very... farfetched, I guess? And not the pokemon. Like, why the fuck would some other planet ever give enough fucks to come and visit US? Humans are terrible. And who's to say that they are any more advanced than we are? They were probably popped into existence at the same time we were. I don't know, man, it's just not a topic that excites me and it's kinda blah to me. At the time that I wrote this comment, I did not know if it WAS aliens, but if that weird glowy guy in the hospital was anything to go by, I was pretty sure that's where it was heading. I won't lie - when I read the description of this thing and Trey's insistence that it was aliens, my enthusiasm for this book dropped quite a bit, but that may be my fault for not reading the synopsis to know what I was getting myself into.{"I've personally always thought the world would be better off without humans," Tanq says. "Maybe it's time to give another species a turn at the top."}We found it, bois, the best line in this book. If you know anything about me, you know that I do not like human beings as a whole and I've thought this many times in the past. Maybe that makes me an asshole, but I've seen the cruelty of human beings just for the fun of it. Humanity is trash and they've honestly gone unchecked for way too long, running free to rob, murder, and rape to their heart's content. Ridiculous. But that's a whole 'nother can of worms.The March 26th chapter is so goddamn long and goes on for AGES. Every single page, I would tell myself that I would finish the chapter and then go inside, but it continued to go on and on and on and finally, I just said feck it. I understand that the chapters are formatted like diary entries, so if a lot happens in one day, that chapter is gonna be super long, but my fucking god do I hate that format. For me, I'm not fond of taking a break in the middle of a chapter and usually force myself to finish the chapter before taking a break, so when you have a chapter that goes on for 20+ pages, it really fucking sucks. I don't actually know how many pages there were in that chapter and I don't have the energy to check, but it certainly feels like it was 20+ pages.{"Shawntelle made me swear off of Black guys.""What? Why?""She said that white women fetishize Black guys. That it's a form of racism. And she was my best friend, so... I listened.""She sounds like an amazing person."}No, she sounds fucking terrible. I don't know what has me more shocked here, the fact that Shawntelle made her promise that shit or the fact that Paige actually fucking agreed to it. You're deadass gonna sit there and tell me that falling in love with someone of a different skin color is fetishizing them and it's racism... No, fam. You say that is fucking racist. Love does not see color, bro. If Paige happens to fall in love with a black dude, she's racist if she tries to date him?? I honestly can't tell if this author is trying to appeal to the 'woke' community that has cropped up in recent years or if she just genuinely felt like the character needed that personality but my fucking god, bro.And then they fucking PRAISE her for it. Like yeah, she's dead and you shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but "she sounds like an amazing person"? No, she sounds like a goddamn dumbass.Don't get me wrong here. There's over 7 billion fucking people in this world so I'm sure there ARE people who fetishize black people (and asians and mexicans and every fucking body else assuming you're not switching preference with fetish which are two very different things), but to look at your BEST FRIEND and say that they can't date an entire fucking race because it's a fetish if she's white... what the actual fuck, man. Like, this is blowing my mind right now. For you to sit there and pretty much say "I don't give a fuck if you fall in love with someone, if they are black and you're white, you're a racist" I... is that not racism in its self??You're putting the color of someone's skin above all else which does not matter. It's nice to know who are you and to respect your heritage and culture, but at some point you have to stop looking at skin color as a factor to fucking divide people and put them into boxes to fit your own fucking narrative. Like, I know I'm saying more on this topic than I should be but goddamn if this ain't the stupidest shit I've ever read in any book. Just imagine that you fall in love with someone. They are your soulmate and you want to spend the rest of your life with them, but then you got to your BEST FRIEND to share the news and they call you a racist and say that you're fetishizing that person JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE BLACK AND YOU ARE WHITE.I literally could not continue reading after this. I had to stop and put it down for a while before continuing and, honestly, I wasn't sure I WANTED to continue reading this, but I forced myself to finish it. And when I say force, I mean it. I did not like this book and I think maybe three stars is even too generous, but I'm a bit biased against Sci-Fi and it was my fault for not preparing for that which I think earns it another star.Overall, I didn't feel any attachment to these characters. They felt paper-thin and didn't seem to have any life to them. I had no emotional response to this book aside from annoyance. It wasn't thrilling to me and, honestly, I wasn't really rooting for them to succeed in the end because I just didn't care about them at all.The ONLY good character in this book was Emmaline and I don't even fucking like dogs. But, unlike most media featuring pets, she survives. Though I think it would be a lot better if ONLY the dog survived, but you know. Gotta give her props for not killing off the dog, at least.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Honestly, it's too soon for me to truly enjoy pandemic-based post-apocalyptic dystopian fiction. However, I have never yet read a Rae Carson book that I didn't love, and this is no exception. Terrifying, difficult to put down, wonderful characters, and a pulse-racing, never stopping, unfolding adventure. Love that there's an asexual character. Love that it turns out to be something a little less believable than an ultra fast, ultra deadly flu. Love that the characters explicitly call out racism and struggle with it, even in a fast paced pandemic-based post-apocalyptic dystopian book.
Advanced Reader's Copy Provided by Edelweiss. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5A story dancing between science fiction and dystopian with several surprises along the way. Paige Miller comes to, feeling like someone ran over her. When her head clears enough so she's aware of her surroundings, she's shocked to discover she's hooked up to a series of empty IV bags, smells awful and is alone. In short order, she discovers just how alone she really is. Something killed her parents, her brother, and as she starts to explore outside her house, she realizes whatever it was killed almost everyone else. After rescuing her deceased neighbor's dog, she goes in search of supplies and other living beings. She encounters Trey while looking. He's Black and hoped to become a college football star, then a doctor. Paige was on her way to a similar career as a basketball player. Their shared skills and losses help them bond as they go in search of other survivors. What comes after they meet is a series of harrowing escapes from some really nasty entities. After picking up another teen, angry and prickly Tanq, A message they hear repeated nightly has them moving as stealthily as possible to its source in Sandusky, Ohio. Getting there is by no means easy and what they discover about how humanity was nearly exterminated after their arrival, sets up a dandy series of toe-curling experiences. The way this ends begs for a sequel.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Series Info/Source: This is a stand alone novel. I got a copy of this book through NetGalley to review. Previous to this I read and really enjoyed Carson’s “Fire and Thorns” series and her “Gold Seer” trilogy.Thoughts: This was a quick enough read and I finished it. I didn't really love it though. We start with Paige waking up in her bedroom with an IV in her hand, very weak and confused, and go from there. The majority of the beginning of the story is Paige on her own but we do have some other characters join as the book continues.All of the characters felt a bit shallow to me and like they were fairly unaffected by all the death around them. The book itself also feels a bit unfinished since it was made pretty clear that the actions the characters take at the end will help the situation but not really solve it. Alsoc, the whole reason for humanity's situation is pretty unexplained and feels like it wasn't fleshed out well.There are some very forced discussions around racism; these sections feel like they were almost developed separately and then plopped into the book. All of these discussions felt very out of place considering what our characters are dealing with. I just felt like maybe they had bigger issues to discuss? Like food, shelter and staying alive?My Summary (3/5): Overall, in the end I finished this and it was a quick read so I didn't mind reading it. However, I doubt I will ever even so much as think about this book again after writing this review. It was just very forgettable and very mediocre. It wasn’t nearly as epic and amazing as Carson’s other series. I am not sure if there will be additional books in this series, but if there are I will most likely skip them.
Book preview
Any Sign of Life - Rae Carson
March 13
I LURCH UP FROM THE BED, GASPING FOR AIR. IT TAKES SEVERAL breaths, several heartbeats, before I’m aware how badly my head hurts. Like I have the worst hangover of my life. Which makes no sense. But my mouth is parched, my tongue swollen, my teeth rancid, like something crawled up in here and died.
What the hell? I try to swallow, but my throat snags on itself, making me gag. The gagging becomes coughing—hard, dry waves that feel like they’re splitting my ribs open.
Relax, I tell myself. Breathe through your nose. Relax, relax, relax.
The coughing stills, and I catch my breath, head tilted back like Coach D taught me. The ceiling fan of my bedroom is motionless. A single fly buzzes around the wooden blades.
I swing my legs over the bed and set my feet on the floor, blinking to clear eyes that are as arid and hollow as skeleton sockets. I try to stand.
Something bites at the back of my hand, and I lift my other hand as if to smack a bug, but I freeze, palm raised. It’s an IV. The entry site is swollen, bloodless, and aching, like a giant hive. The clear IV line stretches up to a 1000 ml bag hanging from a pole. It’s daisy-chained to several identical bags. They’re all wrinkled like raisins, empty of fluid.
I don’t remember getting an IV.
Everything is bright and hazy, silent except for that stupid fly. I peer toward my alarm clock, which is a small plastic basketball with a wedge cut out for the digital insert. My eyes don’t want to focus, but through sheer force of will, I make them.
4:17 p.m. I should be on the court with my team.
No, I remember now; I went to bed right after dinner. So I’ve been asleep almost twenty-four hours.
My throat had been hurting all day. Something about my depth perception had been off, too. At practice, I missed two bounce passes from Shawntelle; both times I put my hands out to catch the ball, but it sailed right past me. Hey, I hear the JV team has room on the bench, Shawntelle teased.
Later, at the table with Mom and Paul and Ryan, my whole body started to ache, and I knew with a sinking feeling that I was getting the flu. The one that had put half of Columbus out of commission. Even though I’m completely up-to-date on my flu shots. Mom had made my favorite, baked mac and cheese with garlic bread, but I went to bed without finishing dinner.
Mom must have hooked up the IV. She did that for me once after a grueling practice made my legs cramp with dehydration. But how did she get permission to bring so many bags home from the hospital, and why did she daisy-chain them together? Why did she let them go dry?
Mom?
I call out in a voice so hoarse I hardly recognize it as my own. No answer. She’s probably working an afternoon shift.
I roll my shoulders, trying to get movement and circulation back. Lactic acid burns in my deltoids, and my head refuses to rotate to the right. I must have dropped off to sleep in one position and not budged the whole time. A hot shower will help. If I’m quick, there’s still time to make the last hour of practice.
Shower.
Suddenly, I’m craving water more than I’ve craved anything in my life. Cool, clear water. Gallons of water.
I rip the medical tape off my hand and yank out the needle. The pain makes the edges of the world close in around me—or maybe it’s the sight of yellow puss oozing out of the wound. I lurch to my feet and stumble toward my bathroom. I misjudge the doorway and bash my forehead against the jamb, but I don’t care. Oh, god, water.
I fumble blindly for the faucet, twist the knob. The sound of water flowing makes me stupid. I knock my skull against the spout in my haste to get underneath it, and I gulp like a wild animal. It slides down my throat, a waterfall of wonder, sweeter than honey, more filling than Mom’s baked mac and cheese.
My stomach squeezes like a vise, and I don’t even have time for a breath before I vomit all that glorious water back into the sink. It whirls down the drain, tinged with greenish bile but not much else.
I’m still so thirsty I could die of it, but I have to be smarter. I grab my rinse cup and place it under the faucet. It takes all my control to watch it fill up, to bring it slowly to my lips, to take only tiny sips.
My stomach heaves again, but this time the water stays down. I pull the cup away from my face and breathe, in for four, out for four. I take another sip. Breathe again. Another sip. Physical gains take patience, Coach D always says. Patience and pain.
I set the empty cup down, wanting more, more, more but knowing full well by the way the water sloshes around in my stomach that I need to give my body time to adjust. Later, Paige. You can have more later.
I reach into the shower and turn on the hot water. While it heats up, I glance at the mirror. I almost scream.
The face staring back is that of a stranger, with sunken cheeks and corpselike skin and blue eyes that are way too huge and bright. My lips are split and peeling, my chin scaled with flakes of dry skin. Something brownish yellow crusts the edges of my right ear; strands of hair are stuck to it.
And god, my hair is a matted, oily mass, unrecognizable in any way as blond. Half of it is plastered into a towering wall—must have been the side I slept on.
I refuse to look at my reflection as I brush my teeth. My gums hurt, but the cool mint of the toothpaste is heavenly. I rinse and spit out an enormous gob of toothpaste and blood. There’s so much blood that I stick my finger into my mouth to check my teeth. My finger comes out blood-smeared, but my teeth seem to be okay.
My stomach clenches again, a little with revulsion and a lot with wrongness. I know I’ve been sick, but something . . . something about all of this is off.
A hot shower always clears my head. I reach in to test the water and jerk my hand back. Still ice-cold.
Ryan!
I yell. My little brother is thirteen, exactly the age when boys start taking embarrassingly long showers. You used all the hot water again!
No response. He usually thumps the wall—we kind of have this code worked out between us, ever since he was five and I was nine, when we left the Sperm Donor and Ryan started having night terrors. He used to thump the wall when he was scared, and I would thump right back, to let him know that my ear was right next to his, that he was safe. Two thumps from Ryan meant I had to get over to his bedroom right away because he was too scared to deal.
We’re past that, and a gorgeous connecting tiled bathroom now separates our bedrooms, but we’ve never stopped thumping to let one another know, I hear you. I’m here. Irritates the crap out of our stepdad.
I rap the wall with a knuckle, but still no answer. Ryan is probably downstairs.
I have two choices: wait for the water to heat up again and miss practice, or grin and bear it. The state tournament is next week, so of course I’ll grin and bear it.
I shuck my clothes—khaki pants, underwear, black tank top, and sports bra. Everything reeks of the sharper end of the musty spectrum. I must have sweated out a fever while I slept.
Taking a deep breath, I plunge into the shower stall.
I squeal as the cold sends shock waves through my whole body. The tile is icy against my bare feet. Shivering, I grab the shampoo and work it through my hair. The water isn’t the usual cold; it’s more like alpine snowmelt cold. Or maybe my dehydrated body is imagining things.
Still, it feels good. I can almost hear my skin slurping it up. I lather everywhere and rinse, paying special attention to the IV site. It’s obviously infected. I’ll ask Mom to take a look tonight, see if I need an antibiotic.
But right now I have to hurry, leave the house before Mom gets home from work and tells me I’m too sick to go to practice.
I don’t often use conditioner in my hair, but the knots are so bad that I have to. As I finger-comb, strands of hair drop to the tile and whirl away into the drain. The more I comb, the more hair comes out—and more and more.
I’ll worry about that later, because I’m already so late. Coach will make me shoot extra three-pointers tonight for missing an hour, but I don’t mind. My shooting has been weak from outside the arc this year—down to 36 percent lately, after shooting 40 percent my junior year—and I hate being weak.
Back in my bedroom, I start to squeeze into a clean sports bra. I brush my left breast with the back of my hand and gasp, flinching away from myself. It felt like touching a stranger. The skin against my hand was cold and limp, like a deflated basketball.
Carefully, slowly, I run trembling hands over my deflated breasts, my stomach, around my thighs to my butt. Without the ice-cold water and soap providing a distraction, the difference is obvious. I am thinner. Too thin. A wisp of a girl.
I must have lost ten pounds or more in the last twenty-four hours.
Mom?
I whisper. Panic edges into my chest, and my legs twitch as if to take flight. Calm down, Paige. You’re a warrior. You can handle anything.
I plunk naked onto my bed and stare at nothing, the wrongness too heavy in my head to ignore any longer. In my peripheral vision, the red digits of my basketball alarm clock stare back. I turn my head to take them in fully, just looking for something familiar and bright and solid.
And I notice it, the thing I didn’t see when I first woke up. Beneath the time stamp, in much smaller letters, is the date: Mar 13.
I’ve been asleep for six days.
Suddenly I’m noticing other things too. The stale urine reek coming from my sheets. My ceiling fan, which is always, always on, perfectly still in the space above me. And barely audible but steady and overwhelming now that I’ve detected it, the sound of birds. So many birds, squawking, flapping, screeching.
I stumble over to my bedroom window and push aside my curtains for a better view. It’s a beautiful, sunny day, the colors crisp with early spring. The street is empty of people, but birds are everywhere. Crows mostly, some ravens, a few buzzards, hopping around in our front lawn, perched on top of cars, lining the gutters of rooftops. The wrongness blossoms into full-blown horror.
A bird crashes against the window, and I jerk back. It drops away as quickly as it came, leaving a brownish smear on the glass. Did it fall? It can’t have survived. I start forward, to look for it on the ground, but wait, I’m standing in front of my window completely naked.
I shudder, creeped out by my own weird responses as much as anything; it’s like my mind is swimming through sludge. I need to talk to someone, or at least hug my mom. I grab my robe from the peg outside the bathroom and put it on gingerly, trying to ignore the burn in my shoulders. I throw open my bedroom door and rush into the hallway. Mom? Paul?
No, no, it’s too early for Mom or my stepdad to be home from work. I open my mouth to call out again anyway when I notice the smell.
Sickly sweet, like fruit gone bad. No, it’s gamey, like warm, spoiled milk. With a start, I know exactly what it is. It’s the same smell that filled our house when a rat got lodged under the washing machine and died.
A whimper bleeds from my lips. Ryan. I have to find my brother.
I run, just two steps, but my weak knees can’t take it and I buckle to the ground. I drag myself along the hardwood floor, my knees getting caught in my robe, my heartbeat a drum in my temples. When I reach my brother’s door, I use the doorknob to pull myself to my feet.
I knock. Ryan? It’s Paige.
I stare at his Keep Out sign and the hazardous waste symbol beneath it. Ry-guy?
But I can’t take it anymore. I have to see him, family privacy pact be damned, and I swing open the door.
Screeching, flapping, black wings, yellow eyes, buzzing insects. A gust of ice-cold air and everywhere that overwhelming, sweet-sick scent. The window is open—no, broken—its jagged edges slick with blood and feathers. Denim curtains sway in the breeze.
My rebelling mind doesn’t want to put it all together, but it does, inexorably, and I fall to my knees all over again. I manage to look up, toward Ryan’s bed, and I see a small pale hand flung over the edge of the mattress. The pinky finger is a shredded, bloodless stump.
I crab-crawl backward as fast as I can until I hit the wall and then I crash into it again and again, scrambling to get away until by chance I find open air and tumble back into the hallway. I hook the door with my foot and slam it closed.
I’m shaking everywhere and I can’t stop. I can’t even think. I just grasp my knees to my chest and rock back and forth, back and forth, whimpering like an injured puppy.
Because the crows are eating my brother.
I’m not sure how long I’ve huddled here. But the haze is clearing, and with clarity comes pain, bone-deep and even more shocking than an ice-cold shower. My brother is dead. Dead dead dead. The kid I held in my arms and rocked late into the morning when his monsters kept sleep away. My little Ry-guy, who at eleven years old swore that someday he’d dunk over my head. The boy with the lightning flashes of anger who could go from fierce to gentle in the space of a hug.
Using the wall for support, I gather my feet and stand. Mom needs to know. I need to . . .
There’s that wrongness feeling again. I lean against the wall and take a few deep breaths, letting my brain work it out, even as I dread the conclusions.
Oh.
I move down the hallway, putting one foot in front of the other in plodding, wobbly resolve, toward Mom and Paul’s room. I half know what I’ll find, because Ryan has been dead awhile. Maybe days. Why hasn’t anyone taken away his body? Why did my IV bags go dry?
Why are there so many birds outside?
Double doors lead to my parents’ suite. We have a beautiful home, thanks to Paul, an engineering professor at Ohio State who shares patents for two types of windmills. A stream of light pours diagonally from the skylight above the hallway, bathing the crown molding and the doors below in pale yellow. Like it’s beckoning me home. I’ve been so busy trying to get my team to the state championship that I haven’t taken the time to appreciate what a lovely house I have. What a lovely family.
I don’t bother knocking this time. The door opens with a soft click, and I pad inside on bare feet. Just three steps is all it takes for me to find them. They’re atop the comforter, fully clothed, arms wrapped around each other. My mother’s blond hair streams across the bottom half of Paul’s face, snagged in stubble at least two days old. They seem peaceful, like they’re sleeping. Except that the comforter beneath them is stained and damp with . . . something. And Paul’s wide-open eyes are filmed over with white like curdled milk.
Mom,
I whisper. Momma.
But then I step back and close the door, finding my first comfort of the day, because at least they died together. I know it’s weird as soon as I think it, but I cling to the comfort anyway. Like it’s a lifeline. Like I might burst apart if I let go.
Gripping the oak bannister, I make my way down the stairs. Every movement is a little easier now, as my body remembers to pump blood and oxygenate my muscles. When I reach the kitchen, I glance around for Mom’s cell phone. I find it next to the toaster and grab it. Though it’s plugged in, the battery indicator is red. I dial 9-1-1 and hold the phone to my ear.
Nothing happens. Not a ringing sound, not a dial tone, not even a please try your call again.
I hang up and try again anyway. Still nothing.
My own phone is in my backpack in the entryway, where I dropped it after practice. Maybe it has some charge left. I stumble past the dining room toward the front door, and I ignore the squeeze in my heart as I kick Ryan’s Reeboks aside to grab my pack. I reach into the side pocket and pull out my phone, and breathe a sigh of relief to see the screen flash on. But the battery icon is red—I may only have a few seconds.
I dial 9-1-1 again.
Nothing. I peer at the screen. No voicemail or text notifications either.
When was the last time I went even a day without getting a text from Shawntelle? I can’t remember.
I look closer. Zero bars. A base station must be down. Must have been down awhile for me to not have a single notification from my best friend or my coach or anyone else on my team.
I dock the phone in the charger, but the charging symbol does not come on. I flick the light switch beside the outlet, but the light does not come on. Panic finds its way back inside me as I whip open the refrigerator door.
The smell of rotten vegetables hits my face, and I gag, slamming the door shut.
The electricity has been out for days.
I need to find help. Someone. Anyone. I need a friendly face or a friendly voice more than anything in the world. I’m starting toward the front door again when a wave of dizziness makes me grasp for the counter.
You need more water, Paige. And food.
The thought of eating makes my stomach turn, but I can’t let myself be this fragile. I haven’t eaten in almost a week. I’ll just have a drink and a few bites of something bland, and then I’ll find someone to help me with . . . I pause a moment before I’m able to say it, even silently to myself. The bodies. I need help with the bodies.
I pour myself a glass of water and drink. It goes down easier this time. I rummage through the pantry and find some saltine crackers. I choke on the first one, but the second is better, and by the third I’m so ravenous that I crush it into my mouth and hardly chew before swallowing. Careful. Just like with the water. I force myself to slow down.
The saltines won’t be enough. I glance around until my gaze settles on the fruit bowl. It holds a few apples and two splotchy bananas. I grab a banana and peel it, then push it into my mouth. I stare at the bowl as I chew. I made it three years ago in ceramics class. Ryan called it The Monstrosity
because of its odd bulges and splashes of mismatched paint. I thought I was being artsy. Abstract. Really, I was being ridiculous. But when I brought it home, Mom beamed proudly and immediately retired the old fruit bowl to the attic. The Monstrosity became a family fixture.
I force myself to swallow the rest of the banana, then I wash it down with another half glass of water. That taken care of, I think about my next move.
All those birds—maybe thousands of them—perched right outside are giving me the creeps. I shouldn’t leave the house without a weapon. An umbrella, at least, or something that will make a loud noise. And I should change out of my robe.
Getting food into my bloodstream is helping me think. I loose a ragged sigh, grateful for the clarity.
I race up the stairs, and I’m light-headed by the time I reach the top, but I don’t care. I throw on a pair of jeans—which never sagged on my hips this way before—a long-sleeved tee, and a zip-up hoodie. The scent of stale urine is overpowering now, and I make a mental note to change my sheets as soon as possible. I rummage around the bathroom cupboard until I find the box of disposable blue-and-white face masks Mom brought home from the hospital after the flu hit. I slip the elastic over my ears, which proves to be a good decision because I don’t smell my own pee anymore.
I should put antibacterial cream on my hand, too. Later. I grab my key ring and its resident canister of pepper spray.
Another wave of dizziness hits as I go down the stairs, but I ignore it. I pass the kitchen, promising myself that if the saltines and banana stay down, I’ll treat myself to some protein, then I grab my coat from the rack and swing it on.
I pause at the door. The back of my neck prickles, and my feet plant themselves stubbornly. Are you a doer? Or a don’t-er? Shawntelle would say. I put a trembling hand to the knob and push the door open.
A rush of cold air greets me as I step into sunshine. Shivering, I shut the door behind me and start down the walkway, holding my pepper spray at the ready position. Crows peck at our lawn. They hop away as I pass, eyeing me warily. I wish they seemed more frightened, less bloated and satiated.
The street is silent and empty, save for the flapping of wings and the cawing of birds. It feels like they’re watching me. The air buzzes with mosquitoes. No, they’re tiny flies. Clouds of them hover around the mix of 1920s and 1940s homes that make up my neighborhood.
Cars sit parked on the street or in their drives, but there’s no traffic. Usually by now some of the neighbors are getting home from work, kids are out on their bikes, someone is walking a dog. I glance to my right, expecting to find old Mrs. Carby tending her daffodil beds, her little sheltie, Emmaline, running circles around her ankles. We’ve had an early spring, and she never misses a day out with Emmaline. But her yard is as silent as everyone else’s.
Mrs. Carby! She’s one of the few people on the street who still has a landline.
I flip my hood up over my still-damp hair and I start to shove my hands into my coat pockets, but I decide I’d rather keep the pepper spray handy. I cross the grass toward her house, scattering crows in my wake.
Mrs. Carby’s home is a neat one story with brick trim, yellow shutters, and a wheelchair ramp—for her husband until he passed two years ago. By the time I reach the top of the ramp, my legs quiver like jelly. Rather than protein and water, what I probably need is another IV.
I press the doorbell, which rings out an awful rendition of Some Enchanted Evening.
Emmaline barks, and the barking comes closer and closer until her nails clatter on the entryway tile, and then she’s scritch-scritch-scritching at the door and whining her little head off.
Hi, Emmaline,
I say through the door, my words muffled by my face mask. Is your mom home?
Please be home. Please. My brain flashes to a vision of dead bodies in beds, but I pull a mental curtain down over it and stare fixedly at Mrs. Carby’s door panels.
Scritch scritch scritch.
I ring the doorbell again, and Emmaline goes wild, yipping and howling like a coyote. I put my face to the mail slot and say, It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s just me. I promise I’ll give you a belly scratch when . . . Oh!
Death sends sickly, noxious creepers into my nostrils in spite of my mask, and I bend over, gasping and gagging.
Something snaps inside me, and suddenly I’m banging on the door with my fists and then my knees, and kicking and kicking until pain bursts sharp and bright in my big toe. I pause to suck in breath as my toe throbs with my heartbeat. I’ve probably broken it. I hardly care.
I have to get inside Mrs. Carby’s house. I lift the doormat, looking for a key—nothing. I search the nearby planter and above the doorframe. All the while, Emmaline barks raggedly. Her voice is hoarse, like she’s been barking a long, long time.
I give up searching and find a big, decorative rock instead. It’s half the size of a basketball but ten times as heavy, and I can barely hold it. My heart is huge in my chest, and I think, I am too thin, too weak, to hold my own heart inside myself.
You’re a warrior, Paige. Do this.
With all my strength, I hurl the rock through the front window. It shatters, and Emmaline comes flying out of the jagged hole. I squat down to hug her as she licks and nips at my face, her tail wagging so fiercely I fear it might fly off. Her long sable coat is horribly matted, and she stinks of poop, but I hug her anyway.
I rise, and Emmaline stands on her hind legs, batting at my thighs with paws that smear blood all over my jeans. Poor thing ran through broken glass to reach me. In any other circumstance, I’d tend to her paws, make sure there isn’t any glass left inside, but I have to get to Mrs. Carby’s phone.
I remove my coat and bunch it around my fist. With my makeshift glove, I punch out the glass around the edges of the window. Then I unwind my coat and drape it over the ledge to protect myself and climb in, one shaky leg at a time.
The smell is awful. Even worse than at home. Mrs. Carby?
I’m not sure why I call out. She’s dead, taken by whatever took my brother and my parents. By whatever has taken a lot of people in my neighborhood.
I’m alone.
I know it. No, accept it. And something like relief-but-not-quite washes over me. It was part of the fog in my brain, the knowing but not accepting.
Instead of looking for Mrs. Carby, I head straight for the phone, which hangs on the wall beside the refrigerator. On the counter beneath the phone is a cookie jar and Mrs. Carby’s brown leather purse. Handbag,
she always called it.
How many times have Ryan and I eaten cookies here, surrounded by stupid porcelain roosters, served with stupid rooster napkins? How many times have we pretended interest while Mrs. Carby waxed on about plans for her flower garden? The new trick Emmaline had learned at puppy school? I’d give anything to do it again.
I take a deep breath and lift the phone from the receiver and put it to my ear.
Nothing.
My knees give way and I crumple to the ground. Emmaline whines in my ear, bleeds all over my hoodie, but I hardly notice because my sadness cup is finally overflowing. Sobs wrack my body and snot drips from my