All Her Little Secrets: A Novel
3.5/5
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About this ebook
“All Her Little Secrets is a brilliantly nuanced but powerhouse exploration of race, the legal system, and the crushing pressure of keeping secrets. Morris brings a vibrant and welcome new voice to the thriller space.” —Karin Slaughter, New York Times and international bestselling author
In this fast-paced thriller, Wanda M. Morris crafts a twisty mystery about a black lawyer who gets caught in a dangerous conspiracy after the sudden death of her boss . . . A debut perfect for fans of Attica Locke, Alyssa Cole, Harlan Coben, and Celeste Ng, with shades of How to Get Away with Murder and John Grisham’s The Firm.
Everyone has something to hide...
Ellice Littlejohn seemingly has it all: an Ivy League law degree, a well-paying job as a corporate attorney in midtown Atlanta, great friends, and a “for fun” relationship with a rich, charming executive, who just happens to be her white boss. But everything changes one cold January morning when Ellice arrives in the executive suite and finds him dead with a gunshot to his head.
And then she walks away like nothing has happened. Why? Ellice has been keeping a cache of dark secrets, including a small-town past and a kid brother who’s spent time on the other side of the law. She can’t be thrust into the spotlight—again.
But instead of grieving this tragedy, people are gossiping, the police are getting suspicious, and Ellice, the company’s lone black attorney, is promoted to replace her boss. While the opportunity is a dream-come-true, Ellice just can’t shake the feeling that something is off.
When she uncovers shady dealings inside the company, Ellice is trapped in an impossible ethical and moral dilemma. Suddenly, Ellice’s past and present lives collide as she launches into a pulse-pounding race to protect the brother she tried to save years ago and stop a conspiracy far more sinister than she could have ever imagined…
Wanda M. Morris
Wanda M. Morris is the award-winning author of All Her Little Secrets, which has been praised by Karin Slaughter as “brilliantly nuanced” and reviewed by The Boston Globe, LA Times, New York Times, Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Seattle Times, and South Florida Sun Sentinel among others. Her second novel, Anywhere You Run, won the Anthony award for Best Historical Novel of 2023 and was longlisted for the prestigious Mark Twain Voice in American Literature Prize. She is married, the mother of three, and lives in Atlanta, Georgia.
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Reviews for All Her Little Secrets
82 ratings7 reviews
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A fast paced novel with many twists and turns.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Ellice Littlejohn seemingly has it all: an Ivy League law degree, a well-paying job as a corporate attorney in midtown Atlanta, great friends, and a “for fun” relationship with a rich, charming executive—her white boss, Michael.But everything changes one cold January morning when Ellice goes to meet Michael… and finds him dead with a gunshot to his head.And then she walks away like nothing has happened. Why? Ellice has been keeping a cache of dark secrets, including a small-town past and a kid brother who’s spent time on the other side of the law. She can’t be thrust into the spotlight—again.But instead of grieving this tragedy, people are gossiping, the police are getting suspicious, and Ellice, the company’s lone black attorney, is promoted to replace Michael. While the opportunity is a dream-come-true, Ellice just can’t shake the feeling that something is off.When she uncovers shady dealings inside the company, Ellice is trapped in an impossible ethical and moral dilemma. Suddenly, Ellice’s past and present lives collide as she launches into a pulse-pounding race to protect the brother she tried to save years ago and stop a conspiracy far more sinister than she could have ever imagined…
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I am not usually a reader of mysteries, and I felt there were too many coincidences to make this credible, but the book was worth reading for other reasons. I appreciated gaining insight in to how this Black woman and many people of color feel they must live and present themselves. I also learned about the rampant racisim, sexism, anti-semitism, and misogyny that is part of corporate America. I also liked reading about the everyday life of the main Blackl character.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5Unfortunately this one didn’t do it for me. I felt a disconnect from the beginning with the authors writing style.
I am looking for a thriller and not an individuals thoughts on how racism. I could care less if authors thought purple people were killers, but don’t mention it to the world.
Keep hate, racism, judgment, stereotypes, politics out of fiction books! We are in 2022! Live in the here and now! I could go on and on about all the injustices of this world that needs a hell of a lot more notoriety than race. We have so many more marginalized people who DO NOT HAVE A VOICE TODAY! - Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I couldn't decide whether to round this down to a 3 or up to a 4. I ultimately settled for three because while I liked a lot of the novel, it had a lot of the pitfalls of a debut. I will likely read Wanda M Morris' next book though because I think she's got a lot of promise as a writer.
My main issue is that the protagonist, Ellice Littlejohn, is a little too passive as a character. For some things, that makes sense: why she carried on a prolonged affair with her married-with-children boss for years and why doesn't have any close friends, for example. But it also means that a lot of the plot just happens to her without her having any impact on it, which in turn meant a few loose strings are left blowing in the wind. Also, Ellice should have brought her closest friend Grace in way earlier and gotten her to help. Their friendship was fun and sweet and some of my fave parts were between them.
I really liked how unflinchingly Morris covered the reality of a dark-skinned Black woman struggling with the racism and misogyny of the very white and male corporate America, especially with how Ellice remade herself into someone else who didn't have a brother or a poverty-stricken background. The way she felt walking into rooms being the only Black face, or the only woman, was super real and relatable - you can absolutely tell the author is drawing on her own experiences there.
There's a twist about 75% through where Ellice accidentally uncovers a national white-supremacist conspiracy but it didn't feel earned because Ellice was such a passive character. She stumbled upon it by accident looking into the already-perilous world of white-collar crime, so it felt tacked on to sort of 'prove' she was right about the misogynoir at work when it was believable and appalling all by itself. The whole thing was enough for its own thriller novel, it didn't need to added in with so little time to really explore it.
Ultimately, I liked the author's writing quite a lot and I found Ellice an engaging, relatable protagonist that was easy to root for. I hope Wanda Morris writes more thrillers in the same area because I'll totally read them. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5When the promotion of lawyer, Ellice Littlejohn, turns out to be a token promotion of a Black female to hopefully prove that Houghton Transportation is not racist proves to be a token move, Ellice is troubled by many things. First there’s the death of her lover and chief legal counsel. It looks like suicide but its murder. Ellice has so many secrets to hide ranging from the romance she hoped to keep under wraps to events that happened to her growing up poor in rural Georgia and the brushes with the law her brother, Sam, finds himself enmeshed in over and over. Ellice finds herself the suspect of the Atlanta police and searches for what really happened. There’s a lot in this story about the “boys’ network” and the power of white supremist groups. The more she uncovers the more sinister the plot is. This debut thriller packs a real punch as the action moves swiftly, exposing the deep racism in the workplace. The audio version is competently read by Susan Dalian whose ability to portray both male and female characters and Black and white characters.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5John Grisham and Michael Connelly should be looking over their shoulders now that Wanda M. Morris has released her debut, All Her Little Secrets. Tightly plotted and unpredictable, Morris’ novel is a welcome addition to the canon of legal suspense thrillers. Ellice Littlejohn has carefully sculpted her life to reverse the trauma and abuse of her childhood. Now a respected attorney at an Atlanta law firm, Ellice has created an entire new identity for herself. The character is ambitious and determined, but also insecure about her chances of success in a firm where no one else looks like her. When one of the executives dies unexpectedly, Ellice is thrust into a promotion for which she feels inadequate. In her new position, she begins digging into the firm’s dealings. Ellice notices some underhanded activity that may be connected to the earlier death of the boss. It may even be part of a larger, more insidious conspiracy. Meanwhile, remnants of Ellice’s past have tracked her down and threaten both her status and safety. Ellice is a flawed but forgivable protagonist who is strong and complex. All Her Little Secrets also deftly handles issues of discrimination and power imbalance without becoming too didactic. With this promising debut, Morris provides an enticing plot, a unique point of view, and cleverly woven commentary about current social ills. Thanks to the author and Harper Collins for an ARC in exchange for an unbiased review.
Book preview
All Her Little Secrets - Wanda M. Morris
Chillicothe, Georgia, August 1979
The three of us—me, my brother, Sam, and Vera or Miss Vee as everyone in Chillicothe called her—looked like a little trio of vagabonds as we stood in the Greyhound Bus Station, which, in Chillicothe, meant a lean-to bus port in the parking lot of the Piggly Wiggly. By God’s grace, we’d survived summer’s blazing days and humid nights, the fire ant stings and mosquito welts, and all the side-of-the-mouth whispers that floated around town. What happened? What did those young ’uns do? Why is Ellie Littlejohn really leaving town? Even though I was headed to Virginia on a full-ride scholarship to boarding school, it didn’t stop some people around town from talking in hushed tones and asking meddlesome questions.
The morning sun sizzled across the black asphalt parking lot scattered with a few dented cars and an old Ford pickup. But we were the only ones waiting for the 7:15 bus headed north. I wore a tie-dyed T-shirt and a pair of jeans Vera had cut off at the knees when they got too short. She hadn’t gotten to the jeans Sam was wearing because they were about two inches above his ankles. His yellow T-shirt still bore the cherry Popsicle stain from the day before. And from the looks of it, he hadn’t combed his hair, either.
I held tight to the old brown cardboard suitcase Vera had borrowed from her friend Miss Toney. I didn’t have much, but everything I owned was neatly packed inside it, including a sturdy winter coat, two pairs of new shoes, and a few toiletries courtesy of Vera passing around the hat among her friends and the congregation at the Full Gospel Baptist Church.
In my other hand, I held a paper bag with three pieces of fried chicken, a couple of biscuits, and an ample slice of sweet potato pie. There was no extra money for McDonald’s or Burger King along the way. Vera’s cousin Birdie drove us to the station and stood against her ’68 black-and-gold Impala a few feet away, waiting for us to say our good-byes. I was a frazzled bag of nervous energy at the thought of traveling so far away from the only place I’d ever known. I was leaving Sam and Vera, the only people I loved.
But I had to go.
I was tall for my age, so Vera had to reach up to fuss with the thick ponytail on top of my head. Now, Ellie, you mind your lessons at school. Remember, you have to work twice as hard as them white kids, even though you just as smart. Aim high. Take no blessing for granted.
She patted the ponytail for good measure. You write me as often as you want. I put some stamps in your suitcase. Everything gon’ be fine.
Vera, a thick light-skinned woman with deep dimples that framed a large gap-toothed smile, always spoke with such authority. Like everything she said was right or true. She flashed that smile at me.
Yes, ma’am.
Sam hung at Vera’s side kicking the rubber toe of his canvas sneaker against the asphalt. Even though he did what he called cool stuff
like smoking cigarettes and stealing candy from the grocery store, at that moment, he looked exactly like what he was, a small and frightened ten-year-old boy. I sat my suitcase down and placed my lunch bag on top of it. I grabbed his hand and pulled him off, out of Vera’s earshot.
No more smoking cigarettes while I’m gone, okay?
I said.
I ain’t touched no cigarettes since Miss Vee caught me. I’m not going through that again.
Sam rolled his eyes.
I giggled. And you can’t be stealing from the grocery store, okay? That was cute when you were little but you’re too big for that stuff. You can get into really big trouble, especially if Miss Vee finds out.
He frowned and looked away.
I just don’t understand why you got to leave. Why can’t you go to school here?
Sam asked.
I plucked a piece of lint from Sam’s little Afro. "I told you. It’s a different kind of school. You study there and live there. And don’t worry. You’ll be safe now. There’s nobody around to hurt you anymore."
I reached down and hugged him so tight if he had been any smaller, I might have snapped him in two. A few seconds later, he wriggled from my grip and ran off to Birdie’s car. I knew he was crying and didn’t want me to see.
The Greyhound bus pulled to a stop in front of us with a long loud hiss. Here it is,
Vera said. Now you got enough money in your bag for a taxicab once you get in Virginia. I know that school got telephones so don’t pretend like they don’t. You call me as soon as you get there. Call collect, you hear me?
I smiled. Yes, ma’am.
Vera leaned her large frame in and hugged me and the waterfall between us started. Vera wasn’t much on crying, but anyone standing in that parking lot would have thought the opposite. She finally let me go and pulled a couple tissues from her skirt pocket. She wiped my face and handed the tissue to me.
I stared at Vera. I’m scared.
She wrapped an arm around my waist. I know you are, honey bunny. But it’s all gonna work out just fine. Your momma was right about one thing. You ain’t but fourteen, but you too big for this place. This town ain’t equipped to hold somebody as smart and strong as you. Now, get on that bus and don’t come back until the good Lord sends you back. Now go.
The driver trotted down the stairs of the bus and smiled at us. He took my suitcase and tucked it underneath in the luggage compartment.
Vera gave me another hug. Go on now.
I climbed the stairs of the bus into the stifling scent of disinfectant and human sweat. I’m a big girl. I can handle this.
I walked past a pregnant lady with two little kids snuggled underneath each of her arms, an old man and woman sitting side by side talking, before I took a window seat near the middle of the bus. I located my little ragtag family out in the parking lot. Sammy, Vera, and Birdie stood beside the car waving up at me. I watched them, Vera smiling and Miss Birdie blowing kisses, as the bus pulled out of the lot and onto the street. And then I cried for a solid hour, straight across the Georgia–South Carolina state line.
Part 1
The Elephants
Chapter 1
Six forty-five in the morning was far too early for keeping secrets.
But Michael and I are lawyers and that’s what lawyers do. We keep secrets. Attorney-client privilege, confidential work product, ethical rules, all the ten-dollar terms we use to describe the ways we harbor information from prying eyes.
I hustled through the parking garage, a veritable wind tunnel on a cold blustery January morning, and inside the lobby of Houghton Transportation Company. Houghton management proudly announced its corporate prosperity and success to visitors with an entryway of gleaming chandeliers, polished steel, and veined marble floors. Inside this sleek glass and metal cage, we raced around for ten- and twelve-hour days in our hamster wheels of closed-door meetings, videoconference calls, and potluck lunches in the breakroom.
It was so early, the security guard hadn’t even shown up for his post at the front desk. Good. No clumsy banter. The only sound in the lobby was the click-click of my red suede Louboutin pumps skittering across the marbled floor to the elevator bank. I pressed the call button for the twentieth floor. I don’t drink coffee, but I wished I had brought a travel mug of tea or a bottle of water with me to wash away the brain fog. Morning meetings weren’t unusual for us. But this one was particularly early and I’m not partial to sunrise secrets.
As the elevator rose, I closed my eyes for a moment and leaned into the wall. Michael is the executive vice president and general counsel, and I work under him as assistant general counsel in the Legal Department. Michael was cryptic in his call the night before, maybe because someone else was nearby: Let’s meet in my office in the morning. 6:45. I didn’t press him. He did the same thing last week, a late-night meeting that lasted over an hour. Only we didn’t talk about work. We didn’t even have sex.
That time, he wanted me to sympathetically listen while he complained about his wife. My better judgment told me I needed to end this. So many years. So much time wasted.
Michael was gorgeous with chiseled features, deep blue eyes, and the tall trim stature of a Kennedy from Cape Cod. If anyone had seen us together as a couple, we would have made quite the sight, me with all my tall, cocoa-hued coily mane and jiggly midsection against his slim buttoned-down WASP frame.
I’ve stood five feet, eight inches—six feet, in the right heels—since I was in the seventh grade. Men are either intimidated by me or challenged to climb and conquer Mt. Ellice.
Honestly, I think men are attracted to the darker side they see in me. What makes her tick? they ask themselves. But Michael was different, or at least that’s what I told myself. He matched me in every way—height, intellect, and humor. He was my equal except for that pesky little business of a wife and two kids. I was stupid for sleeping with this man. Vera and her friends had a saying: Never get your honey where you make your money.
I should have gone somewhere different after leaving Dillon & Beck, the law firm where we used to work, but he made me a generous offer and I followed him here. And nothing had changed, despite all his promises of a new beginning and a different work-life balance as in-house counsel. Maybe one day I’ll get my shit together and go find the job, and the life, that I deserve.
The elevator pinged and the doors slid open onto the executive suite. Everything on this floor was plush, soft and expensive, unlike the utilitarian, budget-friendly accommodations two floors below in the Legal Department. I paced past the darkened offices of the CEO’s sycophants, more commonly referred to as the Executive Committee, before I reached Michael’s suite. Everything was dark here, too. If he dragged me up here at this ungodly hour and forgot about our meeting, I’d be royally pissed.
The company’s reserve lighting system created a menacing tangle of shapes and shadows in the anteoffice. A small pit-a-pat of fear slid through me as I flipped the light switch. His assistant’s desk was neat and orderly, just the way she always left it.
I tapped lightly on his door. Michael, it’s me. Ellice.
No answer.
My skin prickled. I opened the door and flipped on the lights.
The bright crimson spray of blood was everywhere. Shock raced through me like a torpedo before landing in a hard knot at the pit of my stomach. My knees buckled as a tidal wave of nausea washed over me, like I would be sick and fade into black at any moment. But I didn’t panic. I didn’t utter a sound.
The star-shaped hole in Michael’s right temple was ragged and grisly, like someone had tried to open his skull with a sledgehammer instead of a bullet. Blood had oozed in erratic streams along the side of his face, creating diminutive red rivers in the wrinkles along his jawline, before pooling at the end of his chin and trickling onto his starched white oxford shirt. The air hung thick with the acrid, copper scent of blood. And the hum of the fluorescent lights, the only sound in the room, was like a thousand bumblebees.
An instant later, my mind clicked, as if someone else were inside my head, directing me.
Run. Just go.
I turned my eyes away from Michael’s lifeless body and the gun beside him. I hated myself for what I was thinking. Amid all this carnage, my first thoughts were to run, to leave without calling for help.
No one knows I’m here.
I slowly inched away from his body, careful not to touch anything. The few shreds of conscience I had left warned me that to leave would be reprehensible.
I prayed to God for forgiveness, turned off the lights, and quietly closed the office door behind me.
This would be the last secret between Michael and me.
Chapter 2
What the hell had I just done?
I rushed off the elevator onto the eighteenth floor, inside the Legal Department. My body buzzed like someone had slapped me, leaving the sting to rumble underneath my skin. My thoughts were on fire. Blood. Death. This was Chillicothe all over again. And I did what I always did. I ran. My earliest memory is of running. My brother, Sam, hadn’t been born yet. My mother, Martha, had me by my hand and we were running, my little legs beating fast to keep up with her. It was nighttime. Cold outside. And she kept telling me to hurry. I don’t know who or what we were running from. I started to cry but she told me if I cried, she would have to leave me behind. So I ran.
I didn’t hit the override switch for the reserve lighting; the dim spotlights were enough. I needed the cloak of darkness to cover my shame. I darted through a maze of soft-walled cubicles in the center of the floor that housed the support staff. Attorney offices, tight but windowed, formed a perimeter around the maze. Even though we didn’t bill our hours like people did in a law firm, most people in the department still kept law firm hours—start late, work late. With any luck, it would be over an hour before people would start to trickle in.
Seven A.M. on this floor was like a fire station after a three-alarm call—offices and cubicles empty, things left scattered and unsettled. Each of us, working late into the evening until, realizing there were kids to pick up or dry cleaners to hit before closing, left our desks, files, papers disheveled, waiting exactly as we’d left them the night before.
I made it to my office from the executive suite without anyone seeing me. Thank God. No one really sees me around this company anyway. They see what I want them to see. Smart. Tempered. Ellice Littlejohn, the consummate professional. My legal advice spot-on. Impeccably dressed, a funny quip when needed. I’m the one they admire and respect. That’s who they see.
I stood inside the cramped, drafty space that doubled as my office. I’m the only Black person in the Legal Department. I’m not saying one had anything to do with the other, but if an employee’s office space reflects their value to the company, Houghton didn’t think much of me. I used to dream of becoming the chief legal officer or even the CEO of a Fortune 500. I was supposed to have it all by now—a doting husband, two point five bright and gifted kids, and a successful career that others envied—but now, those things were well out of my reach. I was closer to menopause than marriage material.
And all the stupid decisions I’d made before led me to this small gray freezer of an office, the lone Black lawyer working with other lawyers half my age, the majority of whom I didn’t like. Their pompous, know-it-all attitudes made it hard for me to settle in and feel like a real part of the Houghton family,
as executive management liked to refer to the company. Michael always paid me so well, I learned to ignore it.
The inklings of a headache nibbled at my left temple. I tossed my coat and bags in one of the guest chairs, scooted around to the business side of my desk and pulled a small portable heater from behind a stack of folders. I set the knob on High
and listened to the scratchy hum of the fan blades for a few seconds before collapsing into my chair. Having portable heaters in your office was a violation of company policy. But I’d be damned if I gave up my heater before Building Services installed a better HVAC system on this floor.
Now, there was a dead man two floors above me and if anyone knew I had been sleeping with him, it would be another disaster. I closed my eyes. A jagged bloody hole in his head. A gun on the floor beside him. My eyes popped open. Suicide? It didn’t make sense, although Michael had complained about his wife recently. Maybe something more happened between them. Maybe she found out about us. What would I do now? I would keep my ass in this chair, keep a low profile, and let someone else bring me the awful news about Michael. The farther away from this, the better.
God forgive me. All I had to do was call for help. Surely calling for help wouldn’t be enough for anyone to dig through my background. Or would it? Yes. I’d made the right decision to leave his office. He was dead. My sticking around to answer a flurry of questions from the police wouldn’t bring him back. And then, in an instant, sadness engulfed me. Michael deserved better.
I stared out at the pink-orange blush of dawn crawling across the city. Long fingers of white clouds slowly inched across the sky. With its constant construction, Atlanta’s skyline had shorn its squat brick buildings for the gleaming high-rise look of New York City or Chicago. A southern mecca for business and industry. The New South. I was still staring out the window when the lights popped on across the floor. My pulse quickened. Someone else was here. I knew there were no security cameras in the executive suite. Michael had told me. Still, I couldn’t help but think: Had anyone seen me leaving the twentieth floor?
I watched the door and perked up to listen for more sounds. The walls in the Legal Department had the soundproof capacity of toilet paper. But things went silent. I needed to look busy in case someone passed by my office, so I flipped on my computer and stared into the screen. After a few seconds, the company logo of a fast-moving gray truck and tag line popped on the screen. Houghton Transportation—where you’re family and family comes first!
Hey! Morning, sunshine!
I jumped. Rudy Clifton, one of the senior lawyers in the Legal Department, was leaning in my doorway with a Starbucks coffee cup in his hand and a wide pearly smile. Even though Rudy reported to me, he never had any qualms about walking into my office uninvited and most times without knocking. I tolerated it only because he brought in good work product and good gossip. Rudy and I had worked on several legal panels together over the years and became good friends. When he got laid off from his law firm, I immediately hired him to work at Houghton six months after Michael hired me. He repaid that favor with unwavering loyalty, one of the few people I trusted at Houghton.
Why are you here so early?
I heard my fragile nerves popping through the cracks in my voice.
Good morning to you, too.
He grimaced. Rudy was handsome and hunky in a college-frat-boy sort of way with his two-day stubble and a mop of dark wavy hair. Those little people that live in my house—they woke up at four o’clock this morning crying for bottles. Couldn’t get back to sleep. What dragged you in this early?
I hesitated for a few seconds, skirting through my brain for some deflection. I feigned a smile. Haven’t you heard? I sleep here now since the settlement fell apart in the Robbins litigation.
Good luck.
Rudy laughed. Oh snap, you wanna hear the latest?
Rudy, still wearing his overcoat, glanced over his shoulder before slipping inside my office.
Please, Rudy. No gossip this early, okay?
I rubbed a thumb into my left temple. Morning traffic and sirens echoed up from the ground below.
I heard Jonathan’s having an affair. Guess who the lucky lady is?
I sighed deeply and settled in. I knew he wouldn’t rest until he could unload the latest nugget he’d uncovered. Rudy was King of the Gossip Mill. His friendly nature and the ability to talk to anyone made people tell him their deepest, darkest secrets. And then, he told me. Under any other circumstances, I might have indulged him and pretended to be interested.
C’mon. Guess.
I shook my head and shrugged.
Willow . . . Willow Sommerville. HR VP.
I signed into my computer and pretended to read something from the monitor. Oh.
"Oh! Is that all you have to say?"
Rudy got his kicks from being the first to pass along a fresh, tender piece of gossip, and I could tell I had disappointed him greatly.
What’s up?
Rudy said, inspecting me like a pair of Michelin tires on a used car. You okay?
Just a little tired, I guess.
You sure?
He raised an eyebrow. Rudy had picked up on a scent. I know you’re my boss, but you’re my buddy, too. You good?
I’m good.
I stood from my chair and grabbed my mug, like I was about to head to the breakroom, a subtle cue for him to leave my office. Seriously, I’m fine. Just a little out of sorts. Didn’t sleep well last night.
Before I could usher Rudy out of my office, Anita, my administrative assistant, poked her chubby face inside the office door. Damn! I couldn’t catch a break.
Anita, a short stout woman with a graying poodle perm, either bought her clothes one size too small or decided she wasn’t buying new ones that fit. Hey, did you guys see the ambulance downstairs?
she said.
Oh God. I glanced at my watch. It wasn’t even eight o’clock. Someone had discovered Michael’s body already.
Rudy’s eyes grew wide. Ambulance?
Yeah. There’s an ambulance and a ton of police cars in front of the building. Jimmy, down at the security desk, said something happened up on Twenty. But he didn’t have any details. At least, that’s what he told me,
Anita said, the last sentence spiked by the skepticism in her voice.
Rudy and I dashed over to my window and stared down onto the street below. The entire block of Peachtree Street was a blur of red and blue lights. Traffic was snarled all the way up to Seventeenth Street. A few impatient drivers honked their horns in the mounting backup of cars, as if that ever does any good in Atlanta traffic. A heavy sense of dread settled in my chest. I backed away from the window.
Are you serious?
Rudy said, asking no one in particular. I’ll be right back.
Anita and I watched him hustle from my office and down the hall. I knew he was off in search of his sources to shake them down for information. I already knew what his sources knew.
What d’ya think happened up there?
Anita said, removing her coat.
I didn’t respond. The lingering headache tightened its vise across my forehead. Calm down. I had to keep my wits about me now. Soon enough, everyone in the office, lawyers and admins alike, would be scampering between their offices and cubicles, leaving breadcrumbs of gossip and guesswork along the way. That’s the way it worked around Houghton. It was protocol for big events in the department that no one wanted to discuss openly like layoffs, demotions, or, in this case, an executive officer’s suicide.
Fifteen minutes later, Rudy walked into my office with a grim face and closed the door. Michael committed suicide.
Who told you that?
My skin began to buzz again. Had anyone seen me leaving the twentieth floor?
Don’t ask. But suicide?
Rudy shook his head. "That doesn’t make sense. What healthy, well-adjusted guy gets dressed for work, packs a gun in his briefcase, and says to himself, ‘Okay, I’ll eat my gun here at my desk right after I finish reading the Wall Street Journal’?"
Please don’t talk like that.
I pushed around a couple folders on my desk to quell my nerves.
Rudy slumped into the chair in front of my desk. I’m just sayin’ people don’t usually commit suicide at their job, unless it’s a workplace shooting, in which case they try to take a few others out with them. It’s a private act.
I swiveled my chair and stared out at the fully blossomed winter sunrise now bathing the downtown skyline. Private acts. I thought about my own life. Decades pass and I think I’ve processed the horror, but somehow it still ebbs and flows. A few seconds later, memories from Chillicothe bubbled to the surface too—an old utility shed, a little boy’s tears, and a cavern of fear.
People around here didn’t see the real me.
* * *
As expected, I had a hard time concentrating on work. After Rudy left, at least three other people poked their head inside my office asking, Did you hear what happened up on Twenty? Michael was dead and, slowly, bits and pieces about his death trickled out like the drip-drip of a leaky faucet, laced with the spin and embellishment of every person who shared the dreadful news of Michael’s suicide. Michael was depressed. Michael had tried to kill himself before. Michael accidentally shot himself. All of it was so far from the truth and what I knew about him.
I’d had enough. I decided to go down to the lobby for a cup of tea and some clarity. The flashing lights and sirens of the morning’s activity had settled down to the normal din of passing traffic outside and the white noise of people milling about inside the lobby, nodding sadly at one another, speculating about why such a nice guy would do such a horrible thing.
I rounded the corner out of Starbucks when I spotted Hardy King, the director of Corporate Security. Hardy made two of me and I’m not petite. His crumpled suit jacket and shirt had long since surrendered to the girth of his oversize gut, giving him the appearance of a hastily made bed with a pillow tossed in the center of it. Hardy was originally from New Jersey. No southern accent. I didn’t have one either. I ditched my accent fifteen minutes after stepping foot on the grounds of Coventry Academy Prep when a girl giggled after I raised my hand during orientation to say I wanted to axe a question. She made a chopping motion and said I probably shouldn’t hurt the teacher. I learned the proper way to say the word ask and never made another diction mistake again. My first lesson in code-switching.
Hardy threw both arms around me in a big bear hug. Hardy hugged everyone. You heard?
Yeah.
How you doing? What about the rest of the folks in Legal?
Hardy had served as a witness in a few cases and knew everyone in the Legal Department. Most people in the company considered Hardy a schmuck, an overpaid driver for Nate and other executives on the twentieth floor. But, like Rudy, he was a nice guy, always helpful and had the scoop on whatever was going on inside the company. He was also a widower with no kids. I figured he was probably lonely, so I always felt a little sorry for him.
I think we’re all in shock. It doesn’t make sense.
Hardy shook his head sadly. Yeah, Mikey was one of the good guys.
I was nervous but I had to ask. Who found him?
His assistant. She’s a mess now too. For good reason. It wasn’t a pretty scene. We had to send her home.
Oh.
Michael’s bloody body flashed through my mind again.
Hardy looked at me, all sad and pitiful with the corners of his mouth folded down. Did he say anything to make you think he’d do something like this?
No. That’s why everyone’s in shock. Michael hated guns. I didn’t think he even owned one.
Really?
Two women passed by us laughing about something. They weren’t particularly loud, but their jovial behavior seemed out of place in the lobby today. Hardy and I watched them until they were out of earshot.
Did he leave a note?
Hardy scratched his graying buzz cut. Nothing.
A part of me was glad he didn’t. Whatever demons Michael wrestled with should remain his own. Less fodder for the gossip herd to feed on. For a fleeting moment, I wondered what part I might have played in his death. Had this been his way out of a bad marriage and a lackluster affair?
I guess it might not matter now, but was there anything going on in Legal? Some big case you guys were trying that was getting to him? Stressing him out?
No. I’m telling you, he was fine.
This is crazy stuff.
Hardy shook his head slowly. And I think the media is gonna have a field day with all this. Don’t forget about the folks outside.
I turned toward the lobby windows facing out onto Peachtree Street. A small group of protesters were carrying placards: HOUGHTON HATES BLACKS and UNFAIR TREATMENT, UNFAIR HIRING and DON’T SPEND YOUR $$ WITH HOUGHTON.
The protesters have been out there for months now,
Hardy said. I can’t imagine they’ll let up now that the news cameras are around.
Three months to be exact, but you have to admit, there aren’t many people around this company that look like me.
Hardy nodded understandingly. "Yeah, that