Surviving Him: Shameless, #1

Prologue

Dana

As I slowly turn the tap on, the water spits, gurgles, then flows as it fills up the kettle. While I lean over and check how full it is, the water pipes screech and rumble loud enough it feels like it shakes through the whole house. Please don’t wake him up I pray silently to myself.

I'd left Ian sound asleep in bed upstairs. Unable to go back to sleep, I'd decided to come downstairs and make myself a cup of coffee. My prayers are ignored, the banging of the pipes has woken him. I can hear him moving upstairs.

Shit!

His footsteps move closer, louder; a telling sign with the way he’s stomping his feet right now, that he’s angry with me. He appears through the kitchen doorway confirming my fears as he glares at me with those big green eyes that I initially fell in love with. I squeeze mine shut as I place my cup down in the sink. The fear pulses through my body and I shake on the spot. He’s going to kill me; I’m sure of it. As I tremble in front of him with ever growing terror building inside me, my muscles turn rigid and my skin turns clammy as I gasp for breath. His eyes blaze with anger; as though he’s been possessed by the devil incarnate. A murderous violence pours from him as he glares down at me spitting saliva from his twisted mouth.

How many times do I need to tell you the same things? Do I have to draw you a fucking picture? You’re a stupid fool for not knowing how do it properly.

Why didn’t I wait? I didn’t need a coffee yet, did I? I should have waited.

I didn’t realise there was a right or wrong way to do it. I am so frightened because I know what is coming next.

My mouth drops open and instantly dries, my throat closing.

His eyes blaze as he loses his mind completely: fists shaking, baring his teeth as he sneers at me, flying at me so fast my head spins. I know I am in the wrong. How could I be so stupid? As he starts shouting and swearing; the hairs lift on the nape of my neck. He is beyond being in control of his temper. Scared out of my mind, I shiver more as my throat closes tighter. I proceed to beg him not to hurt me, in a shrill voice.

Please, stop. I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking.

I plead with him, but it doesn’t do me any good. He flies at me again; punching me so hard in the face that I instantly fall to my knees on the floor. I can’t breathe. I wince as a knot in my belly forms, while pain shoots through my head.

Please. I beg him, my voice so tremulous I hardly recognise it.

He doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say. Up in my face, with his forehead firmly pressed up against mine, he pushes me down and shakes me with force, his breath laced with nicotine. You’re pathetic. You don't even know how to do a simple thing. Not knowing how to turn on a tap quietly, you stupid bitch. He punches me again and again. Next time, yeah, he shouts in my face, do it fucking right. I feel his fist make contact on the right side of my jaw. I can no longer hold myself up.

I slowly agree with him that I am pathetic for not knowing how to turn on a tap correctly. Before I can think he’s shoved me so forcibly that my head smashes on the floor full force. I let out a whimper as my eyes then water.

I won’t do it again. I promise. I’m an idiot. I didn’t think. Please stop.

I can feel the blow to my eyes as his fist repeatedly hits me over and over again. Black spots soon fill my vision, and everything turns black.

I don’t know how long I’m out for. I search around the room for him with half-shut, stinging eyes. He’s gone. Thank God.

I couldn't believe what was happening to me, and Kayleigh. Was she ever going to be safe? What sort of mum was I to let this happen to me? How could I stop it? I believe I must deserve everything he puts me through, everything he does. I must have one of those faces men want to injure. I limp slowly to the bathroom and holding myself up on the wall, I drag myself to the sink. Turning on the tap, I put the plug in and start to fill it with water. As it’s filling, I splash my face with cold water. It hurts so much I wince; the pain excruciating. The water slowly soothes my face, stinging slightly with each cold splash. I can’t see very well as my eyelids are swelling and changing colour by the second. My tears sting the open wounds. My head is now in so much pain, I lower my face into the water in the sink to soothe it. Maybe if I stayed here long enough I’d drown, but I can’t leave Kayleigh alone, not now, not with him.

I look up into the mirror and see a complete mess staring back at me. No amount of make-up is going to cover this up. My heart feels like it will pop through my chest at any moment; it’s racing so hard, thundering in my ears.

All I want now is to go and see my mum and tell her what’s happened, show her, ask her for help. Only I know she will be so disappointed in me. I can't call her and tell her, she will think I'm such a failure; plus Ian will kill me for sure if I ever tell a soul. My stomach clenches as I struggle to breathe. I stare at my broken reflection in the mirror and try to figure out what I have done to deserve this, but I can't. I’m so devastated, so scared out of my mind, and I don’t know what to do.

Hearing the front door slam, I jump at the sound. I limp my way back into the kitchen, breathing hard. Ian stands there carrying a box of chocolates, like that makes it all okay again. I can hear my own heartbeat thrashing in my ears while I try hard not to hyperventilate. It would only provoke him further.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. I won't do it again, I love you, baby.

His classic apology. I can hear him, but it goes over my head—the same story I’ve heard a million times before—he is a psychotic human being. He’s sorry, so sorry for what he’s done; so sorry for losing control and he cannot believe he has hurt me for the hundredth time. Promising it will never happen again, but the damage is already done. And so am I. I am so done with it all.

I promised myself I wouldn’t let this keep happening.

I promised myself I would leave, and now I finally have the courage.

I promised myself I would never trust anyone ever again.

1

Dana

Only I could have a milk-in-the-cupboard, sugar-in-the-fridge moment. On any given day, I can catch my coat pocket—or whatever I’m wearing—on a door handle, a cupboard, or anything really. If it has a handle or anything that sticks out, it is guaranteed to grab me, throw me back, or pull me straight off my feet and onto my clumsy ass. This might be my best inept performance yet.

Damn, I’m so clumsy! What is with me today?

As of now, I have dropped the hair dryer onto my foot, right on top of my big toe that I managed to fracture on a heavy wooden door last week while chasing my friend’s young daughter in a tea towel fight. Hopefully this puts me at my quota for unnecessary injuries for the week.

Are you okay, chick? Now are you sure you have everything you need? Have you packed your phone charger? I need to be able to reach you. Your onesie; you need to take it. It's bloody freezing in Scotland and you'll need a warm coat.

Katy sits on the end of my bed, looking at my suitcase stuffed full of things I don’t really need. You would think I was about to move to the other side of the world the way she is eyeing me and fussing like she’s my mother.

I think so, and it's not that cold in Scotland you know? I couldn't help the smile that was spreading across my face at her concern for me. It was April for God’s sake. Hey, I'm only going to Edinburgh for a few days. It's not that far away, and I'll be back here before you know it.

I place down my hair straighteners I’d been holding and sit down on the bed beside her. I take her hand in mine; she knows how worried I am about traveling alone with the girls.

I know, but I'm really going to miss you guys, and it’s Scotland you’re going to. It feels like it's so far away to me, and I will worry about you. It might as well be on another planet. She speaks in a soft tone as she struggles to come to terms with me going away. We have become so close living here together; five women in one house, sharing a bond like no other. We share everything like sisters would. After zipping up my case, I stand and throw myself into her arms for a hug. As tears slide down her cheeks, she turns toward the door. When she reaches it, she turns her head towards me and smiles.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

I mirror her warm smile and state, As if.

The door closes.

Hobbling around, I’ve managed to pack my case with all the essentials that us girls need for our trip. We will be leaving our hometown in Manchester and heading up to Edinburgh later today. My most crucial accessories for this trip are definitely my wedges. If you ever have the misfortune of breaking your big toe, having several pairs of killer wedges in your wardrobe is a life-saving must-have.

We ride the metro tram into Manchester. You poor girls must be so embarrassed with me hobbling along beside you; I can’t believe my luck, I say to the girls in apology for my slowing our progress.

I amaze myself at how clumsy I can be. We make it onto the train okay. I watch people rushing around to get on or off the train. The noises around us make me smile: the loud voices echoing around the platform; the sound of the trains chugging past, stopping to pick people up and take them to their destination. I bring my head back inside the train, and the door automatically closes.

Mum, can we sit here, please? Amy beams up at me from the table seats she has found.

We have the best seats on the train, Amy. Thank you. I tell her while Kayleigh and I take our seats next to and across from her. We are really doing this: making memories, good ones; instead of remembering all the bad things, the nightmare that is our life living in fear, always on the run from my ex-husband. The man starts checking doors on the train further down the platform; we watch him through the window. Another man’s voice emanates through the speakers, telling us to have a great journey and thanks us for traveling with Virgin trains.

Looking out of the train window as the buildings rush past my eyes, I have to look away before I go completely cross-eyed. My girls play Super Mario on their Nintendo’s until they eventually grow tired and fall asleep. The chugging sound of the train is kind of relaxing, and I fall asleep too. Soon, I wake to the sight of beautiful green trees, and a green landscape that stretches out for miles. It is sheer beauty in front of our eyes. I know we are in Scotland; those trees are like thousands of Christmas trees standing tall and proud. The air is cooler and fresher; even stuck inside the train I could feel it.

Both Kayleigh and Amy are so excited. It is going to be an amazing few days. Our journey is to celebrate Kayleigh’s tenth birthday. I can’t believe how fast she's growing up. She’s so beautiful with big, dark blue eyes like mine; and long brown hair. It feels like yesterday that she was born, which also happened to be the first day of the opening of the Scottish Parliament. This year, she has been invited to join in at Holyrood for the Scottish Parliament’s tenth anniversary celebrations, joining up with all the other kids that were born on that day in Scotland.

As part of the celebration, she will also get to meet the Queen of England. Perfectly brilliant. I have their dresses all picked out: elegant, matching pale-pink, maxi ballgown-style designs. I adore these little dresses so much, if only they had them in my size.

Girls, you two will look so sweet all dressed up. Unquestionably beautiful. I whisper more to myself as I watch them sleep.

I got them both matching shoes and all the accessories a girl could ever need.

My dress is black and silver satin with small crystals along the neckline. It’s cut over one shoulder and sits nicely above my knees. I have a tiny black clutch to match that just barely fits my phone, if I’m lucky. And because of my stellar walking skills, I get to finish off my outfit with my killer black life-saver wedges that I had to literally hop out and buy in a rush just before we went to the station this morning.

We arrive in Edinburgh safe and sound. There are so many things about the city of Edinburgh that I love: the old buildings and architecture, the history of the region, and the majestic Edinburgh Castle. It really is exquisite. The sounds of this city, always buzzing with life; it’s magical.

Manchester and Edinburgh, even though they are only about a hundred and seventy miles apart, are two cities that have entirely different cultures; their histories inter-woven, but uniquely individual. I love the contrasts and being able to experience it all within just a few hours journey.

One of my favourite things about Scotland is the smell of the fresh ocean air coming off the North Sea. Scotland has the freshest tap water I’ve ever tasted. I don’t know what it is, but I can only imagine that it must be because of the year-round rains that replenish the region’s fresh surface water sources. Everyone raves about it; it’s delicious, and you just can’t beat it.

I need to remember to bottle some of the water and take it home with me.

Seriously, Mum. Kayleigh gives me a huge smile. She thinks I’m crazy, in a good kind of way.

I love it. It’s the freshest water there is anywhere. It’s so good!

Mum, you’re crazy. You know that, right? She gives me a stare like I’m losing my marbles. Apparently, she doesn’t share my love of the crisp sweetness that is fresh Scottish tap water.

Mum, I don’t think you’re allowed to take Scottish water away from Scotland, it might be against the law. You could get arrested by the police. Amy gives me a look that shuts me up about my nonsensical thoughts on the water in Scotland.

I raise my palms up in the air. Okay, no water in bottles.

A taxi is waiting for us as we exit the train station; pre-booked by the event organisers. Although the girls enjoyed the train ride, Kayleigh and Amy are starting to get tired again. They can’t wait to get to the hotel and freshen up. I’ll just say they are, well, a bit annoyed after a long day of travelling.

We check into the hotel, and we are shown to our room. It’s a nice size space with two massive beds that would easily fit a family of six. While the girls explore our suite and unpack their bags, my thoughts drift back home to Manchester.

Our life at home isn’t as glamorous. Our daily lives are filled with fear for our safety. We live in a women’s refuge: a shelter for women who have suffered domestic abuse. Women still on the run, still hiding from the threat of mentalist ex-husbands; mine being Ian. I share this rather matter-of-factly, but to be honest, it’s simply that we’ve lived this way for so long now it’s just become our reality; a life I never thought I would be living. Not in a million years.

Life in the refuge can be hard on your soul at times; lacking a sense of direction. It’s difficult not knowing which way you’re heading, which way to turn next, or who to turn to. I don’t want to bother people with my troubles, so we just have to stick it out as best we can. I try to be as strong as I can for my babies.

They are the most important, precious things in the world to me. Nothing will come between us, and I will protect them with my life. I just wish they had a proper family life. A home with none of this shit, this upheaval, the not knowing whether we are coming or going. They surprise me though; no matter what is thrown at them, they take it and just get on with things. I’d hate to think what is going on in their heads, and how this situation will affect them later in their lives when they start having their own relationships. I can only pray they won’t need therapy because of my bad choices, my bad taste in that man.

My darling Amy. She adores her dad Logan. Unfortunately for me things didn't work out with him the way I wanted. Our relationship was ruined by the burden of my issues from my abusive marriage. I love Amy's father to pieces, my second husband-to-be in my dreams. I love him with every part of my soul and I always will. He’s been so good to us all. He got injured and could