Men's Most Intimate Thoughts: What Men Think But Don't Dare to Reveal

CHAPTER I

Making Better Decisions in Relationships (Bypassing Relationships Heartache, Drama and Disappointment)

Sometimes the worst thing in the world is to get what you think you want. Usually, what we think we want is not always what we need.

In Georgia, the people who have severe mental problems go to Milledgeville, GA - a small city 85 miles south of Atlanta. A well-known therapist had a very attractive patient who was a flight attendant. She was in therapy because her fiancé jilted her and married someone else. In fact, regardless of her stunning beauty, most of the men she chose, for whatever reason, seemed to leave her embarrassed and angry. She swore that she had given up on men.

Well one day, the therapist was running late for an appointment, so he asked the patient to accompany him to Milledgeville, so they could talk more. When they got there, the therapist showed her around the mental health facility. During the tour, he came to a padded room where a woman was hitting her head against the wall. Over and over, she was screaming, Jack, Jack, I gave you my heart!! Why did you cheat on me? The young lady then asked the therapist, What in the world is the matter with her? The doctor replied, Her name is Susan. She was engaged to a guy named Jack. It seems he jilted her for an attractive flight attendant in Atlanta. The poor girl has been this way ever since. Shocked at his reply, the young lady thought to herself, Oh my God. That’s my Jack and the woman he left for me. As the young lady kept quiet, in disbelief, they came to the part of the hospital containing the worst cases. She then noticed a woman who was drop-dead gorgeous. She too was banging her head against the wall screaming, Jack, Jack , I gave you my heart. Why did you leave me? She then asked the therapist, What is the matter with her? The therapist smiled and said, "That is the unlucky woman who married Jack – your ex-fiancé.

Again, very often, what we think we want is not always what we need!!

God has a purpose for all of our lives. Sometimes God will allow us to go through the headaches and heartaches of male/female relationships. Very often our mates are not in line with God’s plan or purpose. So for that reason, He will remove people from our life. Another reason is so we can grow and find our soul mate. Have you ever thought that although you are married, and often married for many years, that the very man or woman you are sleeping with, may not be your soul mate?

Now, with each failed relationship you will not only learn something about yourself, but also learn something about the opposite sex.

If the person is truly your soul mate, one of the many qualities he/she possesses, is the ability to hold God, their family, spouse or mate, as a priority above all else.

Now, God knows the desires of our heart. So in order for us to find our soul mate or the happiness we seek, God must remove the devil from our life. Often a break-up or divorce could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Before that break-up, you were on an emotional rollercoaster. The emotional rollercoaster was quite often: promises of marriage, promises of a family, dreams of the future, good sex or promises that they would change. Because you loved them and believed them, you kept coming back, time after time. Before you knew it, you were trapped and too emotionally weak to pull away.

It is astounding the number of divorces that occur late in life – divorces after 15, 20, 25, or 30 years of marriage. One day couples wake up and realize that the man or woman they’ve been sleeping with was not their soul mate.

Couples should keep in mind that it is not the length of time you’ve been married, but the quality of the marriage.

Is Your Marriage a Potential Divorce Statistic?

When I talked to divorced and married couples, around the country, I discovered that most of the problems married couples, and newlyweds, were having were self-inflicted. In fact, more than half of the couples were a potential divorce statistic from the start:

• Far too many women were ready for a wedding, but not prepared to be a wife.

• Far too many men were tired of the dating scene, but were not prepared to be a husband or ready to take on the responsibility of being a man.

• Relationships were seriously out of order. Far too many women were financially taking care of men, as well as, women aggressively pursuing men. When this happens the dating process is out of synch and the woman loses her value. The Bible states, in Proverbs 31:10, Who can find a virtuous wife, for her worth is far above rubies.

Dating was designed with the man making the first move. Even in dating a man should be responsible for the evening, unless other arrangements are made beforehand. Both men and women have a role in the dating process. In a relationship men should provide four things:

• Emotional security

• Financial security

• Direction for the relationship, and

• Spirituality

A woman should provide:

• Support

• Unconditional love

• Kind and encouraging words

• Nourishment

If she’s looking for a husband, she should do all the little things that would motivate him to want to pursue her:

• Be a woman of quality

• Be appreciative of what she is getting or what he is doing, instead of complaining about what he’s not doing. This will encourage him to want to do more.

• She should maintain a pleasant appearance, attitude and if she is interested, subtly let him know.

You see, what keeps a man interested is not what he’s getting upfront or quickly, but the prize he will receive at the end.

When either mate stops doing what they are supposed to do, then the order of God breaks down. In the dating process, the woman lets the man chase her until he gets her. But what has now happened, is once he captures her, disappointment sets in. Far too many men believe the hunt is better than the kill. It seems once he captures her or says I do, the relationship changes. Far too many wives do a 180° turn and think, I have him now and I can forget about dating him or catering to him.

In a marriage couples should always date each other and a wife should always treat her husband like her boyfriend.

According to husbands, around the country, a woman should always be conscious of her outward appearance. Men are visual first, then he focuses on her personality, spirituality, and compatibility.

Remember, the same things it took to get your baby hooked, it’s going to take the same thing to keep him/her.

Other reasons why so many relationships are in trouble are:

• Too many women have been hurt, disappointed or disillusioned by men, that when her Mr. Right comes along she unconsciously sabotages her relationship by not letting the man take charge. She often, aggressively, moves the relationship in the direction or pace that she wants it to go instead of letting him set the pace. Men respond better when they are in charge. Occasionally, to take the pressure off him, if you see a man that you are attracted to don’t be afraid of letting him know it. Instead of waiting for your ship to come in, don’t be afraid to row out and meet it.

When you take this approach, be a lady and be subtle. By approaching him and initiating the conversation, he knows that you are interested and available. If he’s interested he’ll let you know it. The worst thing in life is to miss an opportunity because you should of, could of, would of. Once you drop your hint and intent, either he is interested or not. Don’t waste time on pursuing someone who doesn’t want you or is only interested in sex.

Remember, every man that causes your palms to sweat or makes your toes curl in bed, is not going to be your soul mate. Some men will go into the friend category. And, I’m sorry to crush your ego ladies, but some men no matter how hard you try, are going to put you also in the friendship category. As one author puts it, He’s just not that into you.

• Men have forgotten how to be romantic and women have forgotten how to be appreciative. During the courting stage, anything he did was received with appreciation. But it seems once the ring was on her finger, appreciation turned into expectation, and expectation turned into frustration.

• Couples put unrealistic expectations on each other. Ladies, a man will not be everything, but something. He can’t be strong, sensitive, spiritual, and give you sex on demand. And men, she can’t work hard all day, then come home and be beautiful, catering, cook your dinner, take care of the kids, and be your sex kitten when you get home. Marriage is real life and not reality TV.

• Far too many women look for someone else to make them happy. A man cannot make you totally happy. A man can only enhance or take away from happiness that you have created for yourself.

• Couples get married for all the wrong reasons: financial stability, status, biological clock is ticking, great sex, both were successful, or to give their kids a two-parent family.

• Far too many couples are not committed to making a relationship work. Because both individuals are independent of their mate, many couples call it quits at the first sign of trouble.

• Couples get married before they resolve baggage from past relationships.

• Far too many women fall in love with the person that fits their fantasy.

• Many women believed their mate would change or they could change their mate after marriage. A woman can’t change a man. A man must first want to change himself and only God can make a change that lasts.

• There are too many couples who believed love was enough. Love must be accompanied by compatibility, constant compromises, and you must be at the same place, at the same time, and want the same thing.

• Many couples get married because of appearance. They were the ideal couple to their friends. He was handsome. She was beautiful. They were only concerned with their outward appearance, but inwardly, spiritually and emotionally they were a mess.

• Far too many men and women have low self-esteem. As a result, they need to be attached to someone for validation.

• Far too many couples are not prioritizing the relationship. Their career or ambition takes precedence over their relationship.

• Couples do not have a solid foundation. Their relationship is based on something superficial. There is no spiritual belief. Their refuge is money, power and prestige. In this unstable economy, sometimes life is going to throw you a curve. If you are not grounded in a strong spiritual belief, the relationship won’t survive. When your money, friends or connections fail, the only thing you have left is faith. The family that prays together stays together.

• Many couples should not have been together from the start.

• Far too many couples are lovers before they are friends. After sex they have nothing in common.

• My survey also revealed that far too many men weren’t ready for marriage. They were pressured into it and reluctantly went along with it because they didn’t want to lose her.

• Or they both were lonely and needed someone.

• And sad to say, far too many couples outgrow their relationship and mate, and now it is stagnant. One person wants to grow, improve and constantly achieve. The other is complacent and somewhat jealous or resentful.

I also discovered that:

• Far too many couples are set in their ways. He goes to work. He comes home. He grabs the remote. He sticks his hand in his pants and watches television. Wow! Are we having fun yet? So many couples are stuck in a rut and don’t want to change. They often think that every marriage is like theirs.

And

• Far too many couples are unhappy, but as the saying goes, It was cheaper to keep her. A divorce would be a costly mess.

Now to see if your marriage is a potential divorce statistic, ask yourself this question, If I had the chance to marry my mate all over again, would I?

Love at First Sight (Is There Such a Thing?)

They were both sitting at the bar. Suddenly, their eyes meet and instantly, like magic, their hearts start to pound. She slyly gives him a smile to let him know that it’s okay to approach her. He immediately returns the smile. As they meet each other, they embrace and kiss passionately. As their hearts pound like a runaway train, they know they were destined to meet. It was love at first sight.

No this is not another scene from a movie or an upcoming reality TV show. This scene works great in the movies, but this is real life. Now when it comes to love at first sight in the real world, it usually happens because of a physical attraction: he’s tall, dark and handsome; she’s beautiful, big breasted, with slender legs and a nice butt. In fact, with the physical, you will often feel the same attraction or chemistry with anyone else who fits your fantasy. As a result, you will often find love at first sight, over and over again. Each time you convince yourself that this is it, he’s the one, or she’s the one. Far too often because of this, you continually go from one bad relationship to another.

Most experts agree, you can only experience true love after getting past the physical or outward appearance. Love at its highest and purest form is: mental, spiritual, personality, and compatibility. I admit that attraction is the first step in wanting to get to know or pursue the other person. But true love will only happen in time. True love happens only after getting to know that person. Couples even admit that the more time they spent together and the more they got to know one another, the better they looked. True love is based on the facts and not the perception.

If you look at couples and Hollywood stars, who took the fast-track of love, what they all have in common are numerous failed relationships or divorces. I also noticed that when it comes to love at first sight, it can be compared to driving a sports car at 100mph. You are wide open; you ignore all the caution, detour and stop signs. At first, it’s exciting. You feel alive. Your adrenalin is flowing; your heart is pumping!! For once in your life you are going to live on the edge and live for the moment. So, you throw all caution, logic, and even your thongs or underwear, to the wind. You ignore love warning signs, as well as, their habits, idiosyncrasies, actions, and dreams of the future. Now, instead of the relationship escalating, just like a sports car, it either runs out of gas, fizzles out or ends in a