The Serious Business of Small Talk: Becoming Fluent, Comfortable, and Charming

The Serious Business of Small Talk

Copyright © 2018 by Carol Fleming

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First Edition

Paperback print edition ISBN 978-1-5230-9405-9

PDF e-book ISBN 978-1-5230-9406-6

IDPF e-book ISBN 978-1-5230-9407-3

2018-1

Text designer: Valerie Brewster, VJB/Scribe

Cover/jacket designer: Susan Malikowski, DesignLeaf Studio

Editor: Lunaea Weatherstone

Proofreader: Karen Hill Green

Indexer: Paula C. Durbin-Westby

Book producer: Linda Jupiter Productions

The best way to become good at small talk is not to talk small at all.

—Keith Ferrazzi, Never Eat Alone

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

How Do You Do?

I: THE BASICS

1   What Is Small Talk For?

2   How Do We Go About Changing?

3   Why Is "Talkin’ About Nothin' so Darned Hard?

4   Small Talk 101

5   ARE: Anchor, Reveal, Encourage

6   Just Say Hello, Leo

7   Starting from Social Ground Zero

8   Being More Attractive

9   Being More Interesting

10   Being More Interested

11   Won’t You Have Some of My Spiced Nuts?

12   Being Approachable

II: BECOMING EVEN MORE FLUENT, COMFORTABLE, AND CHARMING

13   Hi, My Name Is . . .

14   Eating, Drinking, and Walking Around

15   The Mystery of Good Manners

16   Men Versus Women: Clash of the Communication Styles

17   How Do I Get Out of This?

18   What Are You Saying About You?

19   How to Raise Fluent, Comfortable, and Charming Kids

20   Small Talk and Cell Phones, Like Oil and Water

CONCLUSION

Small Talk Just May Be Bigger than You Think

Resources

Bibliography

Index

About the Author

INTRODUCTION

How Do You Do?

HOW NICE TO MEET YOU!

My name is Carol Fleming.

I am a communication coach: I help people talk better.

Thank you for the opportunity to show you around the world of small talk.

I’ve got information, advice, stories, examples, surprises, and a bit of sass.

And you are . . .?

I’m guessing you are a person who would like to get a lot more comfortable with starting the kind of social small talk that leads to good conversations. You see other people who are apparently at ease and fluent and you want to be like them. You probably have not had the opportunity to learn these skills—and they are learnable—much less practice them, and you are ready to get started.

Your motivation is really important to me because for this to work we need to change some attitudes and try some new behaviors. That’s challenging for a lot of people. You might be thinking right now about what’s in it for you and whether it’s worth it to take this challenge. Give me a few minutes and if you like what you read, then take that leap with me.

There are three important things about small talk that strike me (and that I hope will strike you):

1.   Small talk is a required aspect of relationship building (social and professional) and community building.

2.   It is also a despised form of communication, regarded as superficial and unworthy of an intelligent person.

3.   Furthermore, no one seems to regard it as a feature of human communication that can be studied, practiced, and improved.

No wonder we all have social anxiety!

In contrast, people do understand that public speaking, in all its various forms, is both important and scary and that they can overcome much of their discomfort by getting some help—classes, consultations, whatever. Most folks know that their voices can be improved, vocabulary increased, and speeches better organized.

But small talk is like the brown water that comes out of the tap when you first turn it on. Oh, yuck! Get the empty chatter over and get on with the good stuff!

Why can’t we just talk about the good stuff?

Now we’re getting to the heart of it. Why can’t we, indeed?

Here’s a clue why: Imagine I walk up to you, a complete stranger, and say, Weren’t the Warriors great last night? Perhaps you’ll agree with me and shake my hand and we’ll be great buddies right away discussing the righteousness of Steph Curry’s salary. Or, more likely, you just shake your head and wonder about that crazy lady who just accosted you.

Small talk is about getting permission to engage in verbal intercourse and have a consensual conversation on a topic of mutual interest.

Small talk is the verbal warm-up for the big talk.

True that, but its stand-alone utility also goes unrecognized. Small talk is ubiquitous and assumed—so much so that we don’t even recognize it as a specific form of communication that has a crucial function all its own.

In focusing our attention on these unique characteristics, I’ll use a number of similes to guide your thinking. Here’s my first one: Small talk is like tofu—easily digestible, readily available, and utterly bland, taking on the flavor of whatever context in which it is found, be it a Thanksgiving dinner, a professional conference, or a tractor pull. Chew on that for a while.

Here are few more points to chew on:

• There is no communication skill more important in the world than small talk.

• You love small talk. Yes, you do. There’s just that one little bit with strangers that throws you off. I’ll show you how to handle that.

• Social anxiety may have you in its clutches now, but you don’t have to stay there. You’ve feared other things in your life and have overcome them. Remember swimming lessons?

This book is all about the many facets of small talk, the art form of conversation. I offer some guidelines that have helped my clients and that just might be exactly what you need to gain confidence and comfort in social situations. You’ll soon meet people like Leo and Ben who were important teachers for me, and you’ll find quite a few authors in the bibliography who taught me a thing or two. Or three. But remember, there are no rigid rules (usually), but there are courtesies, rituals, considerations, and the common sense that you probably already have.

So, let’s start our exploration of the brown water (or tofu) of our communication repertoire. In Part 1: The Basics, we’ll sharpen our focus on the problems you’re facing with small talk, followed by some suggestions of things you can do at home that will make a huge difference in your social comfort when you are outside among people, especially strangers. Things like how to approach people and initiate small talk, followed by the skills of turning that chat into real conversation.

In Part 2: Becoming Even More Fluent, Comfortable, and Charming, we’ll go over specific social applications, like how to introduce yourself and others, how to carry on small talk with more than one person, and, very importantly, how to make a graceful exit.

Yes, now the clear water is starting to flow! This book offers a paint-by-numbers approach—explicit instructions on what to do and when to do it. For some of you, it will be a simple reminder of something you already know, but if your social anxiety has been getting the best of you lately, the steps are worth reviewing. For others, especially those of you who have undergone profound displacement and churn in their social lives, the basics are exactly what you desperately want to learn. They are the tools for fitting into friendships and social groups, shaping your future and building community. And was there ever a time when we needed to talk together more?

But besides the many useful tips, there is a larger fish I wish to fry with this book.

To me, small talk is the sound of people reaching out to each other.

It’s the sound of people looking for ways to find similarities, shared interests, goodwill, and the offering of friendship, not for any particular instrumental purpose, but because we need each other. We hunger for human contact. Small talk is a linguistic mechanism that allows Us (you and me) to transform Them (a stranger, a scary other) into someone who is a part of our tribe, into an Us. In other words, the real job of small talk is to make it easier for Them to see you as an Us and for you to feel like an Us (more on this in Chapter 1). That’s a pretty important job.

Last point: Like any good party (and conversation), this book has a smorgasbord of things to sample according to your taste. So grab a plate, pick some chapters, and enjoy!

I 

The Basics

1

What Is Small Talk For?

DO YOU WANT NEW FRIENDS? START HERE.

You say small talk is a waste of time or a necessary evil. I say small talk is a very good thing indeed.

Let’s define small talk as a light, pleasant, and safe verbal exchange that allows people the time and association to get a sense of each other before developing a deeper sense of relationship. When meeting new people, it consists of introductions, exchanges of personal information and interests, and searching for topics of mutual interest. With people already known to you, it involves the sharing of feelings, opinions, gossip, jokes, and observations.

Small talk implies aimlessness, where what is said is less important than the fact that we are actually saying something (anything!) to a particular person. Small talk has an important social-emotional role in life; it is universal, ubiquitous, and fundamental for knitting a society together.

Small talk is the language of relationship and friendship.

And you love small talk. (Oh, yes, you do!)

Do you doubt me? Take the following test:

Do you stop and chat as you pass a neighbor on the streets?

Do you shoot the breeze with the guys at the filling station?

Do you dig the dirt at the beauty parlor?

Do you schmooze with your old friends?

Do you chew the fat with your coworkers?

Do you kill time as you wait at the train station?

Do you chill with your buddies?

And you’re going to tell me that you hate doing all of those things? No, you are not. You just have never thought of these exchanges as being small talk, the heart and soul of the social communication flow that keeps you in touch with people and your community.

Human beings have a tendency to form Us/Them dichotomies and to favor the former. These conversations are comfortable for you because you perceive these people as being your tribe, your Us. We chat easily with our folks. We stiffen up with the elsewhereians whom we’re not so sure about.

You can read Robert Sapolsky’s book Behave for his thorough review of the research on this concept. In it he shows us how much Us/Them-ing is subconscious stuff with biological underpinnings. For example, before you are even one year old, you are marking distinctions between sexes and races. You are also noticing if the language spoken to you sounds different from that of your mother tongue. Of course, the learned component is well known to us all:

You’ve got to be taught to hate and fear

You’ve got to be taught from year to year,

It’s got to be drummed in your dear little ear,

You’ve got to be carefully taught.

You’ve got to be taught to be afraid

Of people whose eyes are oddly made

And people whose skins are a different shade,

You’ve got to be carefully taught.

From South Pacific by Rodgers and Hammerstein

Dear little ears is the scary part here. Us/Them distinctions learned early are the hardest ones to overcome. And Sapolsky writes that we make these Us/Them decisions in a fraction of a second, decisions that dictate our attitude and behavior toward a new person. We’re talking about the mechanism of discrimination, aren’t we? By discrimination I mean simply that we can see a difference—but when does a difference make a difference? That’s another question.

From time to time, I call a friend from high school who has lived in a small town in eastern Washington all her life. Since high school, our lives have taken on dramatically different dimensions, which were never more clear than with the 2016 US presidential election.

ME: So, how you doing, Ellie?

ELLIE: Now, that’s a trick question! I ain’t dead yet, how’s that? Ya got your Trump sign on your lawn? (HAHAHA!)

ME: No, I don’t, but I know you do.

ELLIE: You got any Trump signs on your block?

ME: Nooo, don’t believe I do.

ELLIE: Yeah, but down there in San Francisco, you’ve got a lot of . . . you’ve got a lot of them . . .

ME: Are you asking about people of color, Ellie?

ELLIE: Yeah!

ME: The answer is, Yes, we do.

ELLIE: . . . and you . . . you talk to them, do you!?

ME: Yes, Ellie, I do.

In her words, tone, and context, Ellie was showing how clearly she saw the distinction between Us and Them.

I’ll quote now from the wonderful book by J. D. Vance, Hillbilly Elegy. The author, the hillbilly who made it to Yale, was back in his hometown of Middletown at a gas station.

As I realized how different I was from my classmates at Yale, I grew to appreciate how similar I was to the people back home. Most important, I became acutely aware of the inner conflict born of my recent success. On one of my first visits home after classes began, I stopped at a gas station . . . the woman at the nearest pump began a conversation, and I noticed that she wore a Yale T-shirt. "Did you go