The Pallbearers Club: A Novel
3/5
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About this ebook
“Paul Tremblay delivers another mind-bending horror novel . . . The Pallbearers Club is a welcome casket of chills to shoulder.” – Washington Post
“Uncertainty is Tremblay’s stock-in-trade. Over the last decade, he has grown from hot new thing to horror icon without compromising on his uniquely inexplicable nightmares.” – Esquire
“[A] deliciously confusing thriller.” – Weekend Edition (NPR)
A cleverly voiced psychological thriller from the nationally bestselling author of The Cabin at the End of the World and Survivor Song.
What if the coolest girl you’ve ever met decided to be your friend?
Art Barbara was so not cool. He was a seventeen-year-old high school loner in the late 1980s who listened to hair metal, had to wear a monstrous back-brace at night for his scoliosis, and started an extracurricular club for volunteer pallbearers at poorly attended funerals. But his new friend thought the Pallbearers Club was cool. And she brought along her Polaroid camera to take pictures of the corpses.
Okay, that part was a little weird.
So was her obsessive knowledge of a notorious bit of New England folklore that involved digging up the dead. And there were other strange things – terrifying things – that happened when she was around, usually at night. But she was his friend, so it was okay, right?
Decades later, Art tries to make sense of it all by writing The Pallbearers Club: A Memoir. But somehow this friend got her hands on the manuscript and, well, she has some issues with it. And now she’s making cuts.
Seamlessly blurring the lines between fiction and memory, the supernatural and the mundane, The Pallbearers Club is an immersive, suspenseful portrait of an unusual and disconcerting relationship.
Paul Tremblay
Paul Tremblay has won the Bram Stoker, British Fantasy, and Massachusetts Book Awards and is the nationally bestselling author of Horror Movie, The Beast You Are, The Pallbearers Club, Survivor Song, Growing Things and Other Stories, Disappearance at Devil’s Rock, A Head Full of Ghosts, and the crime novels The Little Sleep and No Sleep Till Wonderland. His novel The Cabin at the End of the World was adapted into the Universal Pictures film Knock at the Cabin. Another is his first children’s book. He has been teaching high school math for a long, long, time, and he lives outside Boston with his family.
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Reviews for The Pallbearers Club
96 ratings11 reviews
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5This just didn't work for me. I like the idea of introducing ambiguity about whether Mercy is actually a vampire or if Art's imagination is just working overtime to explain why his life isn't going to plan. But Mercy's snarky commentary undermines any opportunity for real suspense or horror in the book. That, combined with the author's choice to clarify the answer to whether Mercy (and by extension Art) is actually a supernatural creature versus choosing to leave us wondering ultimately just left me disinterested and unsatisfied. It's a shame because I enjoyed Cabin at the End of the World and was hoping for a similar experience here.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5If you were in the 18-25 age group in the 1980's you will probably not only like this one but will also understand it a lot more than us 'ancient ones". It's described as "A darkly romantic tale of gothic obsession set to a post-punk playlist of the mid to late 80s stumbling into the early alternative rock years and is guaranteed to bring cynical joy to horror loving Gen Xers". The character of Art Barbara is endearing as well as simply frustrating...for lack of a better word. Paul Tremblay manages to bring something new with his take on one of horrors most enduring myths...the vampire. Mercy, the other main character, was hard to read at times. She seemed to me she was less well written than Art... either that or her "anti-cool girl schtick" was simply nerve grating to me since I didn't grow up in that era. Large parts of the story went on forever without adding anything new and frankly could have just been omitted altogether. It's probably one of those books that you need to be a big fan of vampires and zombies to really get into. I've read other books by this author and enjoyed them, but this one just wasn't for me.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Pallbearers Club is going to be a hard one to rate for me, so let’s set up the criteria for my ratings. 0-5 stars, horrible to the best. I read this one as part of the Horror Aficionados monthly reading club at Goodreads, and I’m glad I read it. But it’s certainly not my favorite read.
In terms of character development, this is a class read. You have two of them, really. The rest don’t matter and are barely mentioned. You have Art Barbara the lead, and you have Mercy Brown the…antagonist? Love interest? I guess the reader can decide. These two have a passive aggressive relationship/friendship—at best, and I like Mercy, I really do as she provides (unreliable) insight and snide remarks throughout her reading of Art Barbara's memoir/novel. I’m given a vivid depiction of both characters. It's so well done. I feel like I know them. Art Barbara is a sadder version of Jason Segel, if that's even possible. And I really like Jason Segel.
It doesn’t mean that I like Art. Mercy I like, even with her flaws. But Art, man. I couldn’t muster much empathy for the dude. He gives us Gen Xers a bad name. He's a pompous punk rock fan—if it's possible to be pompous and to love Husker Du that much… There are reasons to empathize with Art: not many friends in high school due to a rash of pimples, scoliosis and surgeries. He's an awkward duck with teen angst issues. It’s not a tragic backstory though. We usually live through our clunky teen years, grow out of it and carry on. But not Art. He carries the burden of his awkward teen years through the entire length of the memoir, he blames it all on Mercy seemingly because she "exists," and he doesn’t grow. I suppose that’s the point with tragic characters, but I couldn’t muster enough sympathy to care about how things turned out for him in the end. Therefore, a 3.5 star rating on character.
In terms of pacing and tone, this is a slow burn that relies on an "is she or isn’t she" premise. There’s not a lot that happens in the plot that qualifies as "horrific" until the very bitter end, and the length of time it takes to get there didn’t completely feel worth it for me. The use of unreliable narrators also brings into play whether elements of the ending are even true. So, 2.5 on the pacing and tone because it left me in limbo.
Does anything resonate with me? Let’s talk eerie coincidence. Mercy drives a beat up orange compact. My first car was a beat up orange compact. Mercy wears a well used green jacket. Through college, I often wore a well used green jacket. It was an old army coat that had belonged to my dad, and yes I still have it. Points for hitting the punk Gen X nostalgia in an uncanny way. I’m also fond of stories where I learn something new. This one builds from a folklore of New England vampires that I hadn’t heard of, and that was cool.
I’m going to decide on a solid 3 on this one, even though it wasn’t a favorite read. The lack of sympathy or empathy (you choose) for the MC was the deciding factor in my not bumping this up to the 4, although I can see the merit in it. Ultimately it doesn’t stand out as one I would recommend to friends. But that’s based on personal taste more than quality of writing. Who knows? If you’re reading this, maybe you’ll like it better. If you’re a Husker Du fan who still lives with your parents, this might resonate with you.1 person found this helpful
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5In this novel written as a memoir, Art Barbara (not his real name) recounts his life starting as a geeky high school kid who founds an extracurricular club that helps serve as pallbearers at a local funeral home. He meets a girl named Mercy Brown (not her real name), who turns him onto punk music, and this sets the trajectory of his life. Art's writing style is a bit overblown and long-winded (and does he really have to verb so many nouns?), which would get tedious if Mercy were not the second author, reading behind him and making notes in red all over the manuscript. As an editor myself, I definitely clicked with the desire to make snarky editorial comments with a red pencil, something I would never do professionally. Art comes to believe that Mercy is something of a psychic vampire feeding off of him, or perhaps he is the vampire, or perhaps he is just nuts. Tremblay's books are usually ambiguous, so get comfortable with not really knowing what is going on. spoilers ahead: In my opinion, it's Mercy, not Art, who's the unreliable narrator here. Her reasons for the weird things she does are so pat, so rehearsed, that I don't actually believe anything she says--not until the end. Then I believe every word. Tremblay has become one of my favorite horror writers, and like many of his books, this one really grew on me as I kept reading. I also enjoy how he's constantly trying new things with the genre.
1 person found this helpful
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5First, on a personal note, the description of scoliosis surgery is spot-on. I had it done when I was 16. Oh, the memories.I'm a sucker for vampire lit. Always have been. Was completely tickled by the whole Mercy bit (I've known about Mercy for ages--Food for the Dead is a great book). I saw someone say somewhere that this is not a vampire novel. Hard disagree. There are different types of vampires in the lore. I loved this book.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5I have to start by saying I like this author’s work and the fact that he comes up with something different each time, but this book was not for me. I hate reviewing books I dislike because of being a writer and because I know it’s all semantics: what doesn’t work for one person will work for another, but since I started reviewing books, I know I have to be honest. There was much here I wanted to like, but I felt I spent too long waiting for a story to begin. Also, the end left me wondering what on Earth I’d just read? It’s not horror, and I didn’t believe any of the supernatural elements, nor experience any suspense. Dark fiction… maybe, but of the angst-ridden and possibly mentally ill variety. There’s something about this that reeks of a coming of age story, but over time the characters are too old to be so categorised. I’m left feeling like I read an experimental book. The end, as written by Mercy, felt like her indulging a friend when there’s no other loving act left. In other words, not factual, but an addendum to what Art wants to believe.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5started with such an interesting premise, but by page 162, i'd given up on the story. the characters, in and of themselves, just couldn't keep the story moving... at some point, i may return to the book, but with an already-enormous TBR pile, it won't be soon...LATER, after reading other reviews: i think it's hilarious that someone else gave up reading at almost the exact same point in the story, down to the page... LOL
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5This novel started with so much promise but peters out in the end. The novel has an interesting and unique premise. A young student wants to beef up his rsume to get into a major college and decides to start a club to make him more attractive. So, he starts the Pallbearers Club to show public service. Members volunteer to help at funerals for people without friends and relatives, Very quickly this plotline dissolves and the novel focus on him writing a personal memoir and his relationship with a former club member. She makes distracting comments in the margins of his memoir in hard to read red ink.
- Rating: 1 out of 5 stars1/5This book was a real disappointment. I kept reading, hoping it would improve, but it does now. Basically it's the story of an outcast teen, twenty-something, middle aged guy who makes a friend who may or may not be a vampire. As a reader, you don't really care much one way or the other. I have loved all of his other books and found them truly frightening. This one totally missed the mark. Hopefully, he can recover his writer's chops!
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5“Time is not linear but a deck of cards that is continuously shuffled.”This story/manuscript is written by Art (not his real name), the founder of the club. In the margins, in red ink, are comments and notations written by Mercy (also not her real name), the other member of the same club, and its photographer. “…the chapters are named after Hüsker Dü songs.”Lots of fancy words in the narrative (bring a dictionary!). The scoliosis parts were very boring. By page 53 I was ready to quit reading this, feeling that this was more of a YA type read, but my many past enjoyments of Tremblay’s books kept me going. At page 161, I realized this was a mistake, but decided to hang on for an ending that would justify my faith in him. The ending was good, but not good enough to have read the whole book. I was pretty bummed.“Hope is believing there’ll be another moment of joy, and despair is knowing there won’t be one more.”
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Should memoirs be categorized as nonfiction or fiction? Does the recollection of events reflect the interpretation of each person who has experienced it? The Pallbearer’s Club by Paul Tremblay examines this notion by having contradictory reports and assessments by its two main characters. The author of a “memoir,” Art Barbara (a purposeful nom de plume), decides to begin his recollections beginning when he was an awkward teen. Trying to raise his status in school and bolster his college applications, Art decides to launch a new community service club. His choice of activity is a bit unique. The members of this club will help a local funeral director with services for the homeless or solitary individuals who have no one to mourn for them. Predictably, his club’s flyers fail to enlist droves of volunteers. One local young woman enthusiastically joins the small group but stipulates that she be granted permission to photograph the deceased. As the other members bow out, the club dwindles to two members. Thus begins a close, but dysfunctional, friendship that is the primary focus of Art Barbara’s confessional work. Mercy, the fellow club member remaining adds her comments and disputations throughout. Her edits provide a second interpretation and adds subtext to Art’s writings. Paul Tremblay is well known for his ability to foster a sense of confusion and mounting dread with plenty of added wit to break the tension. The Pallbearer’s Club is a fun read that will provoke debate about what “reality” means for individuals and what is unique to its witnesses.Thanks to the author, William Morrow and Edelweiss for an ARC in exchange for an unbiased review.
1 person found this helpful
Book preview
The Pallbearers Club - Paul Tremblay
IF I TOLD YOU
(2007)
I am not Art Barbara.
That’s not my birth name. But at the risk of contradicting myself within the first few lines of a memoir, I am Art Barbara.
Imagine my personage, the whole of me (I prefer that phrase to spirit
or soul
) exists in Plato’s World of Forms. That me, the one slicked in the amber of Greek philosophy, is Art Barbara. Sorry, Mom and Dad, the name you assigned was a valiant effort, but it does not sum up who I was, who I am, or who I will become.
Art Barbara is bold, declarative, striking, and upon first hearing it spoken your brow furrows, head tilts, and mouth smirks. Admit it; your face is in thrall and acting on its own. You might know a Barbara or even an Art, but you haven’t met, nor do you know, Art Barbara.
However, the initial Oh
upon the shores of appellatory discovery soon gives way to incredulousness, to there-must-be-some-mistake. Let’s be honest, here (and you have my promise I will always be painfully honest) the name tries too hard. It is more than a little ridiculous, shading toward pathetic (a word derived from the Greek pathos, of course), particularly when spoken with a Boston or Rhode Island accent as the coterie of r’s disappear into obnoxiously long ah’s. Even without the accent, there’s a slant-rhyme clunkiness to the first two syllables, or three if you insist upon pronouncing Barbara as Bar-bar-ah as opposed to the shortened Bar’bra. Regardless, the combination of the first two syllables, the Art-Bar, forces the speaker to comply, to slow down and enunciate the harsh coupling before dumping an auditory body into the dark water of r’s and a’s. I make no claim to be an expert of phonesthetics (the study of inherent pleasantness of the sound of words, according to Wikipedia), but clearly Art Barbara is no cellar door.
I saw the name written on the bathroom wall of Club Babyhead, spring of 1991. The letters were capitalized, angular slashes of neon-green ink; a cave painting glowing in the lovely darkness of the early 1990s. I have never forgotten it. And by the end of this memoir, neither will you.
Isn’t time strange? Time is not linear but a deck of cards that is continuously shuffled.
I will change all names to protect the innocent and not-so. I will take great care to choose the names appropriately. As astounding and beyond-belief the goings-on to be detailed are, the names will be the only fictions.
Beyond the act of communication, sharing my story and experience and life, exploring fear and fate and the supernatural (for lack of a better word) and the unknown universe big and small, vulnerable confessions, and base gossip (Truman Capote and the nonfiction novel this is not), perhaps a lame excuse or two for lifelong disappointments and why I am and where I will be, the purpose is hope. Hope that one reader or one thousand and one readers might empathize with the why
behind the poor decisions I made, make, and most certainly will make.
I assume you intended for me to find this. Maybe that’s a lot for me to assume. Maybe it’s not. I mean, you left it on your cluttered desk with a literal yellow bow tied around the manuscript. Holy shit, I bet I’ll have a lot to say about this book based on the opening chapter.
Art Barbara. Jesus, dude.
I promise my commentary will be as honest as you are claiming to be. That sentence by itself makes it sound like I am already accusing you of lying. I don’t mean to. We’ve had our ups and downs, but I’ve always considered you to be one of my dearest, oldest friends, and I hope you feel similarly.
Frankly, I’m a little scared to read more, to find out what you really think of me.
Based on the title, I don’t think it’s vanity to assume I’ll play a large role in this, um, memoir.
Memory is a fucked-up thing, especially as time passes, stretches, and yawns. Your comparison of time to a shuffled deck of cards comes close to the truth, or a truth. I think time is better represented as a house of cards, an unimaginably large castle of cards, one in which rooms and entire wings collapse and are endlessly rebuilt. Those collapsed rooms and wings hold memories, both personal and collective. That card house is forever haunted by the lost memories and by the ones that are retained but changed.
Sorry, I know this is your book, not mine.
It occurs to me if our memories of certain events differ, that doesn’t necessarily mean one or both of us are lying, certainly not lying on purpose.
I’ll attempt to keep my comments solely to after each chapter. I will read and comment as I go without skipping ahead. I can’t promise that I won’t mark stuff up within the manuscript though. As you know, I’ve always been a bit impulsive.
Looking forward to reading what name you’ll give me, Mr. Art Barbara.
NEW DAY RISING
(October 1988)
A chapter in which a club’s hero rises, or at the very least, raises a shaky hand.
A-House was one of three wings attached to the main building of Beverly High School and it telescoped out, as vast and empty as the cold universe. A yellow hall pass clutched in my sweaty adolescent hand granted permission to go to the AV room so I could assist with the morning announcements broadcast on our closed-circuit Panther TV. As a senior who regularly achieved honor roll, I’d earned senior privileges,
which included the ability to traverse the campus during homeroom and free periods without need of a pass. My asking for a pass from my calculus teacher, Mr. Langan (a kind if not awkward middle-aged man who wore sweater vests and an Abraham Lincoln–style beard) represented the kind of student I was; skittish, afraid, desperate for approval of any kind.
I ghosted past rows of lockers dangling their bulbous locks. Most of me ached to turn around, to return to homeroom, to give up on this foolish idea, to forget it ever occurred to me. There was another part that realized this was a Robert Frost path-choosing moment. If I went through with my plan, this smallest AV step for humankind, my life would be irrevocably changed. By the time I swung open the creaking metal door of the AV room, my resolve leaked away, literalized as flop sweat.
Ian, one of two Panthers newscasters, he of the swimmer’s shoulders and beer-keg leer, greeted me with Hey, it’s Artie the one-man party.
[Note: Ian did not say that. As we’ve discussed, my name was not Art. I will not break in like this again to point out other, minor factual name discrepancies. It’s enough for you to know Ian was the kind of chud who would’ve said that if my name were Art. What he did call me wasn’t my real name either. He called me Bones. I had always been the skinniest, most slight kid in my class, and at that AV moment in time I weighed a scant one hundred and forty pounds. Most of my male classmates called me by that nickname, which I never had the option of approving when it was pinned to me at age eleven along with another kid’s fist to my big nose. (I fought back, but all that earned was another, bigger kid’s fist to the stomach.) At ages seventeen and eighteen, the nickname was uttered with tradition if not endearment, certainly with less intentional cruelty, but it was there in the name’s history, so I will not use nor refer to it again. We will stick with Art to the end.]
The other newscaster, Shauna, gave me a wave and a slightly puzzled tilt of the head as she buzzed around the small studio, handing out photocopies of the morning’s announcements to the producers, to Ian (slouched behind the news desk, a combo of James Dean and a pile of dirty laundry) and the camera operator. She wore the high-school equivalent of a business suit, her black blazer with shoulder pads of a size somewhere between a football player and David Byrne’s Stop Making Sense suit. Shauna and I were in the same calculus, English, and French classes and she had always been cordial if not coolly competitive. She had the third-highest grade point average in our graduating class of three hundred and twenty-four. I was number nineteen, one of only two boys in the top twenty, which told you all you needed to know about my male classmates.
Shauna asked, not unkindly, why I was there. I told her I had an announcement about a new club.
She said Okay
about ten times while scribbling on her announcements sheet, and said (to herself, I assumed), I can talk about it between the student council and powderpuff football sign-up.
Then, to me: Got it, Art.
Oh. Thanks, but, well, because it’s a new club and as the founder and president I think I need to make the announcement myself, and, um, Mr. Tobin said that I could do it.
Shauna smiled but her eyes moistened, as though on the verge of you-can’t-do-this-to-me tears. Before I could say sorry, she said, We have five minutes to air, do you know what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it, and when it might be best suited for airing?
I shrugged, offered something mostly committal. She shoved me into the adjacent secondary studio, an isolation chamber encased in thick windows so no one could hear me scream.
The announcements began when they were supposed to. They were piped through a small box of a speaker perched above the door of my studio. Ian and Shauna sounded trapped in a tin can, but I was the one sardined in here with barely enough room for me (standing, no chair), a tripod, and a bored underclassman lurking behind a camera.
Instead of practicing what I was going to say while awaiting the go signal, I uttered a silent mantra in my head: This is so you can get into college. My guidance counselor, Mr. Brugués (he of the novelty fish ties, walrus-thick ’70s mustache, overstarched dress shirts, and brown-bag lunches that were always open and left half-eaten on his desk), said my grades were great but I didn’t have any extracurricular activities. No sports, no student council, no clubs, no volunteer work outside of school. My lack of well-roundedness as a student was, well, a lack, and, to quote, lessened my college acceptance prospects.
Panic set in as soon as he said it. Now that my chance to finally flee these people and this town was within sight, I was desperate to get into a school that wasn’t Salem State or North Shore Community College (not that anything was wrong with those
schools—well
, their proximity to my house was wrong with those schools).
I stood in front of the camera, trapped under a mini spotlight that might as well have been a heat lamp from the cafeteria. This was the last place in the world I wanted to be, and I normally spent most of my school days trying to not be seen.
See me:
I was six feet tall, having grown six inches in the prior eighteen months. The rapid height gain exacerbated my scoliosis. The condition had been discovered later than it should’ve, as I somehow slipped through the cracks of the embarrassing annual scoliosis checks during gym class. The checks consisted of a line of boys with their shirts off (my head down, wishing I were invisible, my arms matchsticking across my chest), and after a properly lengthy time of mortification I was in front of a disinterested school nurse holding a school-issued clipboard. I bent over to touch my toes, so skinny that my vertebrae stuck up through my skin like the back plates of Godzilla, and the nurse’s cold hand fish-slapped onto my right shoulder blade, her audible hmmm
and you look a little off
(me being a little off was her diagnosis) and then she told me to switch to carrying my bookbag with my left shoulder. Since being diagnosed eighteen months prior, I attended physical therapy sessions and slept in a hard-plastic-and-metal-framed back brace at night (the doctor had never insisted I wear it to school, knowing I would not), which improved the curvature in my lower spine, but not in the upper region between my shoulder blades where scoliosis was most difficult to correct, where the curve to the right measured thirty-five degrees. The prospect of spinal fusion surgery loomed if the curvature increased in my upper spine. I wore baggy enough clothes so other people wouldn’t notice the encroaching kyphosis, my curling into myself. No one at school commented on my back, and I never told any of them about it. Maybe no one noticed the burgeoning hunchback because of my other unpleasant physical attributes. We’ve already discussed my ectomorphic build (or lack of build). Additionally, my skin was a raw and angry map of acne. Archipelagos of pimple volcanoes regularly erupted on my face and my back and chest. That no one would ever see my back and chest was a small consolation. Of course, now, on announcement morning, I had a new Mount Washington red nodule, its craggy peak above my right nostril.
In the secondary studio, I sweated under the interrogation lamp. The kid behind the camera breathed too loudly, sucking up all the air. Where was the goddamn go signal? Was Shauna going to purposefully dump me from the announcements, like I was a never-been Z-list celebrity in the talk-show green room, bumped for an animal act that went too long? I’d be trapped standing in this tiny soundproof room forever.
The speaker above the door cut out. The light on the front of the camera pointed at my head finally burned red. I took a deep breath. And I spoke.
Hi, for those of you who don’t know me, my name is Art Barbara, I’m a senior, and I’m starting a new club. It’s called the Pallbearers Club. We’ll volunteer at local funeral homes to be attendees and pallbearers at funerary services for homeless people or for elderly who have outlived family members and won’t have many or any mourners show up. I’ve already called Stephens Funeral Home on Cabot Street and they would love to have our, um, help.
I glanced to my right, out the studio window. Ian looked smug, bemused, and disgusted, or smusegusted. Shauna manically spun her hands in front of her, which I assumed was a wrap-it-up gesture. But I was not ready to wrap it up. I’d just started talking.
"I know it sounds a little scary or weird, but we’d be doing a great service for the community, and um, for the people who died, of course, even if they don’t know it. It’s still a very nice thing to do. It would look good on a college application too. Mr. Brugués told me it would. We’d mainly attend services on the weekends. And
um—"
Shauna was at the window and banging on it with hammer fists. A crack spidered through the soundproof glass.
Yeah, I guess that’s it. If you’re interested, keep an eye out for flyers I’ll post around school, or just find me to learn more. My homeroom is A-113, or you can leave a message for me in the front office, or if you forget my name, leave a note addressed to the Pallbearers Club. Thank you. Back to you, Shauna and Ian. Um, go Panthers.
I like your use of chud
though an editor or copyeditor might be confused.
This chapter is a little woe is me,
don’t you think? I’m not judging and I’m not belittling your school-aged experience nor your state of mental health, but by way of perspective, you have white cis-male privilege, did not grow up in poverty, and you did not suffer tragedies during childhood, none that I’m aware of anyway. Apologies if there are revelations to come regarding the latter.
I get it, though. Kids/teens are confused and cruel and then they generally become confused and cruel adults. The emotional scars you described, the type so many of us wear and conceal, are the crucible in which we are formed, especially if we dwell on such things. I hope the act of writing this finally purged some of this poison. However, given everything that happened since you wrote this chapter, I guess that it did not.
For what it’s worth, I do not remember the you from that age as being a hopelessly ugly duckling. If you were, your appalling lack of self-confidence and self-awareness did not help. I do not blame you, but it’s a point of fact.
I’m not saying this very well, but the person who is cruelest/hardest on you is almost always the person looking into the mirror. We never see a reflection of ourselves in the mirror, do we?
Sorry, I sound like a self-help guru. I always wanted to help you. I tried to help you. I truly did.
None of what I’ve read so far is a surprise. I recognized what you needed the first time I saw you and your hunched back.
Sorry, bad joke.
SOMETHING I LEARNED TODAY
(November 1988)
A chapter in which we introduce the dead.
The Pallbearers Club Meeting Minutes
Did you really write up minutes? I hope you’re
joking . . .
Opening: The meeting was called to order by Art Barbara. Wednesday, November 5th, 2:37
P.M
. It was held outside of Mr. Brugués’s office. He offered us a sandwich bag half-filled with pretzel sticks.
Present: All current/initial members. Art Barbara, Cayla Friedman, Eddie Patrick.
Approval of Agenda, Approval of Minutes: Two votes to zero. Eddie Patrick abstained from voting. He said it was dumb.
Business from Previous Meeting: None. This is our first meeting.
New Business: We will be pallbearers/attendees at a small service for a homeless woman. Her name hasn’t been shared with the club yet.
Additions to Agenda: After a brief period allowing for motions (none were brought forth), Art Barbara was elected president, vice president, and secretary. One person probably shouldn’t hold all three offices at once, but as pointed out by Cayla Friedman there are no bylaws preventing such a result. Perhaps a topic for future meetings.
Adjournment: Meeting ended when Eddie Patrick pretended to choke on pretzel sticks and insisted Cayla Friedman perform the Heimlich Maneuver on him. She declined. Next meeting is at the Stephens Funeral Home, Saturday, 9:00
A.M
., which is thirty minutes prior to the start of the 9:30
A.M
. service to be held within the funeral home.
Minutes submitted by: Art Barbara
Minutes approved by: Art Barbara
[I submitted the minutes along with my college applications to Bates and Middlebury Colleges as an attempt to appear both creative and disciplined. I did not get into either school. The 2007 me is still salty about it.]
You deserved not to get in
* * *
I pulled my parents’ beat-up blue station wagon into Stephens Funeral Home at 8:45
A.M
. I hated being late. As vast as the night ocean, the parking lot funneled me toward a hearse parked under a trellis-lined awning shading the home’s main entrance. Set back a considerable distance from busy Cabot Street, the converted colonial house was painted white with black trim, the official colors of a New England funeral home. I do not know anything about architecture, but let’s call it Colonial Gothic. At three-stories in height, the mournful manor lurched and sprawled at the edges of the well-manicured lot.
The funeral director, Mr. Stephens, stood outside the entrance smoking a cigarette. He was my height but easily outweighed me by one hundred pounds. A balding, middle-aged Black man, Mr. Stephens wore an immaculate navy-blue pinstripe suit adorned with a maroon tie. His wide glasses, each lens could be used as a birdbath, claimed most of his face.
That is a fine suit you have on, young man.
His voice was a growl in a puff of smoke, yet each syllable carefully enunciated, as though he’d practiced what he was going to say. Did you wear it to your first communion?
Um, no?
My white dress-shirt cuffs mushroomed out of the too-short, blue blazer sleeves. I covered my right wrist with my left hand, but that exposed the left cuff. I tugged and fussed at the sleeves.
Mr. Stephens laughed warmly, and I couldn’t help but join him. (There’s a difference between a bully’s laugh and one that offers commiseration, one that recognizes if not shared experience, then a common frailty. Detecting that difference is instinctual for some, while others learn it only after repeated hard lessons.)
He said, Don’t mind me, you are dressed handsomely. Art Barbara, I presume?
He stubbed out his cigarette on the bottom of a shoe and wrapped the remnant into a kerchief, which he pocketed. I’m Philip Stephens. I’m grateful for your volunteering and hope this is the beginning of a continued community-service partnership.
He ushered me inside and gave a tour of the first floor. The rooms were impeccable but static. Not the same static of a museum, where one at least could imagine the exhibits representing the living, breathing past and present. This place’s static was entropic. Closed coffins surrounded by brightly colored flowers and wreaths occupied half the rooms.
The floors were a dark-stained hardwood and the walls an off-white, shading toward a melancholy sunrise color. That phrase stuck with me as Mr. Stephens said the name of one of the rooms was in fact Melancholy Sunrise. Other named rooms included Moonlight Forest and the more abstract Midnight Wish.
I asked, Do you tell the guests the names of the rooms?
No, the guests are dead.
Oh, I meant the visitors, then.
We returned to the front entrance, went outside, and waited under the awning for the arrival of my fellow clubmates. I smiled inwardly at the thought of having clubmates.
Mr. Stephens fished out his cigarette stub from his pocket, quickly restored its cylindrical shape, and lit it again. You don’t smoke, do you, Art? A wonderful, terrible habit. Don’t start unless you intend to see it through to the end.
I laughed politely, and itchingly eager to share something personal, I confessed that I’d never been inside a funeral home before and the only funeral mass I ever attended was when I was four years old, for a great-uncle. Uncle Heck. Short for Hector of course. I had no memory of his funeral, but I remembered him letting me grab his nose with my tiny hands. My parents and other family members frequently told me that was what I always did to Uncle Heck when he was alive, so it was possible my memory was a staged, mental reenactment of what they told me. How could I know the difference?
Mr. Stephens ignored my weighty contemplation of the nature of memory and said, To have never been in a funeral home, I don’t know if you are fortunate or not. The law of averages tends to catch up with us all.
* * *
Mr. Stephens wasn’t nearly as friendly with Cayla and Eddie as he was with me. (Perhaps he sensed I needed kindness more than they did. Perhaps he was annoyed by how loosely Eddie’s skinny black tie hung around his neck, and that
Cayla—while
wearing a respectful black
dress—loudly
chewed bubble gum.)
He led the Pallbearers Club up a set of wide stairs to a viewing room on the second floor. The room was much smaller than the ones downstairs. I wanted to ask if this room had a name, or perhaps suggest one (Mourners’ Pantry, given its smallness?) but the proper moment had passed. An open casket was set against the far wall.
The club moved as one as we entered and flowed left, tracing the perimeter, sticking to the wall opposite the coffin. Speaking as president of the club, we were having second, third, and fourth thoughts about our being here and about our club’s charter and mission statement.
Mr. Stephens told us the woman’s name was Kathleen Blanchet and she had died from complications associated with untreated tuberculosis. She was a former resident of the Shore House (a local homeless shelter), and an anonymous donor paid for her viewing and service. He didn’t know if shelter residents would be attending, though an invitation had been extended. We might be the only attendees. We were to wait for Father Wanderly to arrive and lead a brief prayer service. Mr. Stephens did not ask if we had any questions. He told us he was going downstairs to make a few phone calls, but he would return shortly. He pointed out where the restrooms were on the second floor, if you must use them.
His footfalls echoed as though he descended a staircase of infinite depth.
Eddie exhaled, didn’t look anyone in the face, and said, Guy’s a Chester
(as in, Chester the Molester). During the first month of my freshman year, Eddie sat behind me in English and kicked my thighs and jammed a foot in my lower back. He threat-whispered about how he was going to kick my ass using typically ’80s homophobic vocabulary. My defense was that of a baby rabbit in tall grass: I didn’t turn around, didn’t say anything, didn’t move. One day, unrelated to his tormenting of me, the teacher threw him out of class for swearing at her and sent him to the principal’s office. I honestly don’t remember if he swore or not. The next day in class I spun around to face him as he sat down, him and his big stupid face and perma-flushed cheeks, and before he could snarl something at me, I babbled that I would tell the principal he didn’t swear if he needed me to. His weaselly eyes dilated (not softened, there was never to be any softening), he nodded, and the flush in his cheeks tuned a few hues lighter from war red. A peace achieved, but at what cost to my soul?
You have always been a soul spendthrift.
This is so weird,
Cayla said. She was in one of my honors classes, ran cross-country, was a cashier at Star Market (where I worked too), and liked to draw and paint. She was friendly to all at school, but her comfortableness within her own skin made her off-putting to the rest of us maladjusted teenagers. She often joked she was from the Jewish family of Beverly.
Eddie and Cayla had yet to confide in me why they had joined our esoteric club, beyond expressing a similar desire to accrue extracurricular activities that would most assuredly lead to future successes in life. It really didn’t matter to me why they joined. Because of our shared honorable endeavor I hoped we would be friends forever (cue an ’80s-movie montage of carefree madcap adventures while we learned to accept each other’s differences).
[Note: We would not do any of that. But I did think so in that instant.]
Eddie turned and walked backward toward the casket. His smirk was too eager to mask his social ineptitude with cruelty. He said, Five bucks and I’ll stick my pinky up her nose.
Cayla dug into her shoulder bag and pulled out a five, calling his bluff. Eddie declined with a shrug and a brief collapse of his shoulders.
The three of us stood before the padded kneeler set by the coffin. We were close enough to each other to hold hands. We were holding hands, metaphorically speaking. We psychically supported each other as we prepared to participate in a time-honored, vital social ritual. And we stared at the body of Kathleen Blanchet.
One half of the coffin lid was open, and her torso was visible from the waist up. Her skin stretched tightly across her brow and wide forehead, which tapered into a dried-out, autumn field of brown stalks of hair. Her cheeks had caved in, and her eyelids spanned precariously across sinkholes. She was desiccated, a dried-out insect. How long had she been dead? The heavy-handed application of foundation makeup did not add health, weight, or life to her face. She did not look like someone sleeping peacefully, nor did she look like an uncanny, waxy mannequin. The coffin was too big for her, and she receded into the plush lining. She wore a