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    Becoming Nigerian: A Guide
    Becoming Nigerian: A Guide
    Becoming Nigerian: A Guide
    Ebook153 pages2 hours

    Becoming Nigerian: A Guide

    By Elnathan John

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    About this ebook

    Be(com)ing Nigerian: A Guide is a satirical collection that takes a searing look at how different forms of power are abused, negotiated and performed both in the private and public realm.Through attempting to satirise those who abuse privilege or power, it recognises that power can be found everywhere: in politics, business, religious institutions and in homes. From the exploration of religious hypocrisy in How To Worship The Nigerian God, to A Letter to My Future Kidnapper which tackles the growing scourge of kidnapping, the collection is a jab at Nigerian society and what it means to be a Nigerian. Beyond poking fun at the holders of power, it is a summon, a provocation and a call for introspection among all levels of society. As it is often said in Nigeria, when you point with one finger, there are four others pointing back at you.
    This is an engrossing read for Nigerian watchers, and strangers to Nigeria alike, with its tongue-in-cheek look at Nigeria's relationship to the world, both culturally and politically.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherCASSAVA REPUBLIC
    Release dateMay 1, 2019
    ISBN9781911115977
    Author

    Elnathan John

    Elnathan John is a Nigerian lawyer who quit his job in 2012 to write fulltime. In 2013, he was shortlisted for the Caine Prize for African Writing for his story "Bayan Layi" and again in 2015 for his story "Flying." His first novel is Born on a Tuesday, set in northern Nigeria. He lives in Abuja.

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      Becoming Nigerian - Elnathan John

      INTRODUCTION

      Never, ever, explain satire.

      — Elnathan John, 2019.

      IN THE BEGINNING…

      THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO NIGERIA

      Chapter 1

      ¹In the beginning the British created the Northern and Southern protectorates. Now, the nation was formless and empty and darkness covered our collective identity. ²And the British said: ‘Let there be Nigeria.’ And there was Nigeria. And the British saw that Nigeria was good (for them) and they separated the ruling class from the serfs. ³And the British said: ‘Just as we have a vault between us and you, let there be a vault to separate the rulers from the citizens.’ ⁴So the British created Nigeria in their own image, in the image of their colonial rulership they created it; oppressor and oppressed they created them. ⁵And there was independence from the British and there were coups and counter coups and there were military dictators. ⁶And the decades passed and the military rulers stripped their garbs and uniforms and transformed into civilian rulers. And they declared: ‘Old things have passed away and all things have become new.’

      Chapter 2

      ¹For our military dictators loved the country so much that they gave up their only begotten uniforms and the right to make decrees, that whosoever believed in them and voted for them should be stuck with them until their old age.

      Chapter 3

      ¹And it came about that a usurper who was not a military dictator found his way to the throne, through natural deaths and impeachments, and he came upon Nigerians like a thief in the night. ²And he came not to build but to steal and destroy. And he left Nigerians blind and poor. ³And Nigerians looked to a former dictator and said to him: ‘Lord, we know not where we are going.’ ⁴And he answered them and said: ‘I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to good governance except through me.’ ⁵And he gained followers and drove out the usurper who had left Nigerians blind and poor. ⁶And his followers said: ‘Lord show us the way and that will be enough for us. Show us Change.’ ⁷And he answered them and said: ‘Do you believe that I am good governance and good governance is me? You may ask for anything in my name and I will do it.’ ⁸And his followers worshipped him and sang his praises day and night. ⁹And when his ministers proved incompetent, his followers praised him and denounced the ministers. ¹⁰And when the people began to groan under much suffering, they looked unto their benevolent dictator. ¹¹And he said to them: ‘If you love me, keep my commands. Hate those who hate me and love those who love me. My enemies cannot accept me, because they neither see me nor know me. But you know me, for I live with you and will be in you.’ ¹²And some sceptics said, ‘But, Lord, why do your ministers in 2018 do silly things like wear silly red berets and have nothing under the berets?’ ¹³And the benevolent dictator replied, ‘Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching.’

      Chapter 4

      ¹For the shameless will inherit the land and they will dwell in it in an abundance of peace. ²For the shameless, instead of shame there shall be a double portion; for the wicked and corrupt instead of dishonour, they shall rejoice in their lot; they shall have everlasting joy and in their old age be called elder statesmen. ³And the last shall be the first.

      Chapter 5

      ¹If I fight for the human rights of random individuals or of enemies of the Lord but do not have loyalty to the benevolent dictator, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of turning the economy around and can fathom all the mysteries of the parallel market and if I am angry that pilgrims get dollars and not business men and women but do not have loyalty to the dictator and love for him, I am nothing. ²Love is patient (with inefficiency), love is kind (even in the face of massacres). It does not envy the benevolent dictator, it does not boast that it can do better. It is not proud. ³Love keeps no record of wrongs, whether those wrongs happened in 1984 and are being repeated or those wrongs lead to hundreds of people being secretly buried. ⁴Love does not delight in evil except where that evil happens to people we do not like, such as strange ethnic groups or religions or sexualities. ⁵But love rejoices with the truth: and the truth is what the benevolent dictator says it is. ⁶Love always protects the interest of the dictator and blames only his ministers for things that go wrong. ⁷Love never fails. ⁸But where there is common sense, it will cease. Whether there are industries, they will cease. Where there is electricity, it will reduce. And where there is a great football team, it will diminish. Where there are cheap dollars, they will be reserved for pilgrims and billionaires. ⁹For we know in part and we pontificate through newspaper articles and blogs in part, but when completeness through our benevolent dictator (and his minions) arrives, what is in part disappears.

      Chapter 6

      ¹The benevolent dictator is my shepherd, I shall lack nothing. ²He makes me lie down in hunger and fear, but only because it leads me to righteousness. ³He refreshes my soul. ⁴He guides me along his own paths for his name’s sake. ⁵Even though I walk through the darkest valley with no electricity, I will fear no evil, for he is with me. ⁶His rod and his staff with which he makes hundreds of Shiites disappear, they comfort me.

      Chapter 7

      ¹Blessed are [those who steal from] the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of political rebirths. ²Blessed are those who [make others like Shiites] mourn, for they will be comforted [by the silence of dead and putrefied bodies]. ³Blessed are [those who despise] the meek for they will inherit the earth. ⁴Blessed are those with good political alliances, for even when they are caught, they will be shown mercy. ⁵Blessed are [those who hate] the pure in heart, for they will see the inner walls of the Villa. ⁶Blessed are those who trend political hashtags, for theirs is the kingdom of bank alerts. ⁷Blessed are the kidnappers, for their ransom money will come intact and without repercussion. ⁸Blessed are those with a long career of theft and destruction, for they will be called elder statesmen.

      Chapter 8

      ¹The benevolent dictator gathered all his disciples and taught them a new prayer. He said, ²You must pray then this way: ³‘Our Father, who art Aliko, hallowed be thy wealth ⁴Thy monopolies come ⁵Thy will be done in this government as it was in the previous [ones] ⁶Give us this day, your refinery (as we give you our cheap dollars) ⁷Forgive us our suspicions as we have forgiven those who are suspicious of us ⁸And lead us not into temptation to break your monopolies (and empower other entrepreneurs), but deliver us from the evil ones who challenge [y]our government. ⁹For thine is the sugar, the flour and the cement (and rice and spaghetti), forever and ever, Amen.’

      SPIRITUAL

      HOW TO WORSHIP THE NIGERIAN GOD

      The Nigerian God is one. It may have various manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians all worship the Nigerian God.

      For all those who want to become better worshipers, this is for you.

      If you are a new or prospective convert, this is how you must serve him in your day to day life. You will be richly blessed for choosing the Nigerian God. (And in case you were wondering, yes, the Nigerian God is a full-blooded Nigerian male).

      The prayer

      First, let me clarify: a few people confuse being a worshiper with complicated things like character, good work or righteousness. The fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. It nonetheless means that the opening prayer is important. Nothing, I repeat nothing, can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian God appreciates communication.

      When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say — in addition to Yes — By God’s grace or God willing or insha Allah. It doesn’t matter what language you use. Just say it. The Nigerian God likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see one of your [other] lovers. Sometimes, when you have impressed one of your many lovers with your sexual prowess and they look at you in amazement, just say: ‘Baby, I give God all the glory.’

      The loudspeaker

      When worshipping the Nigerian God, be loud. No, the Nigerian God is not hard of hearing. He just appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian God doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loudspeakers even if there are only two of you in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.

      Enemies

      This is how the Nigerian God judges people who are your enemies — evil people who want to spoil your hustle; your colleagues who don’t want your promotion; your single old aunties who secretly don’t want you to marry that rich handsome man (who you haven’t met yet); your neighbours who are blocking you spiritually from getting pregnant — He consumes them by fire. He returns all their evil plans to sender. So, when making requests about all your enemies, do not pray that they be forgiven or that they change. Pray that the Nigerian God kills them off in a blazing, holy fire.

      Attribution

      Attribute everything to the Nigerian God. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and you are able to afford that new Mercedes,

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