Deep Water

CHAPTER 1

LORI

"I ’m going into a hostage situation," I muttered as I stared at the huge cruise ship. What would normally be someone’s dream vacation, was going to be hell for me. A hand touched my shoulder as the humidity in the air, and this whole situation made it harder and harder to breathe.

Don’t freak out. Ryan’s deep voice came from behind me. Ryan had been my best friend for the last five years. He was the epitome of tall, dark, and handsome. He was going to make some man very happy one day. He let go of my shoulder to wipe sweat from his forehead.

It’s hard not to freak out. I’m bringing my best friend who's pretending to be my fiancé onto a cruise ship for a week to prove to my family that I won’t die alone. Yup, that’s me. I am one of those serial single ladies that doesn’t care if a man puts a ring on it. At least for the last few years.

That didn’t mean that I wasn’t lonely sometimes.

Lori. He gave me that face again. It was half irritation and half pity. It wasn’t an unusual expression from him. He would often look at me like that whenever I thought poorly of myself. Sometimes, I think he loved me more than any straight man could.

The shocking truth, I probably will! I didn’t want to be here; I didn’t want to go on that ship and be trapped with the woman that had always downplayed who I wanted to be because it didn’t fit into her plan for me. I am already feeling claustrophobic. I sighed as I turned and looked up at the massive cruise ship. I felt hopeless.

It’s a huge ship and we will be on a vast ocean. Ryan joined me, looking up. I was barely even able to see the deck. He glanced back at me with confusion. Are you afraid your mom is going to shove you in a closet or something?

I glared as I deliberately turned to him, "I am about to be trapped on that ship on the vast ocean with my family."

Cleithrophobia. He didn’t look at me when he said it, he just kept looking at the ship.

What?

He smirked in my direction, The fear of being trapped is cleithrophobia, not claustrophobia.

He was lucky I needed him because, at that moment, I was about to push him off the ramp that we were gradually making our way up as people ahead of us checked into the ship.

But this was the way our relationship had always been. We had developed a sibling-like relationship and bickered as such. However, on the other end of the spectrum, we would die for each other. He was the perfect best friend. We were each other’s soulmates.

As we finally made our way to the front of the line, I was able to get my first good look at the dark industrial entrance of the ship, suddenly opening before us like the maw of some eldritch beast, the suction of which seemed to be stripping my soul. My parents paid for the whole trip because my mother loved showing off their wealth even to their children, Let’s just get this over with. 

Two men stood at the opening of the ship. They were dressed in uniform and seemed friendly, but still rather intimidating.

I handed one of them my boarding pass and passport. My body tensed, and tingles ran up my back, realizing I was about to step into my personal hell. I dreaded spending time with my mother because she had been a very toxic person throughout my entire life. I hated the fact that I was going to be forced to see her for the next seven days and knew I would escape from her as much as possible.

Welcome aboard, miss. The man shuffling through my paperwork had an Australian accent, my favorite. I can pick it out from just a word. Suddenly, I wasn’t so nervous. I took in just how attractive he was. His dark hair, perfect profile, that accent. Yeah, the Australian accent does that to me.

Thank you. I flirtatiously smiled at him.

Ryan placed his hands on my shoulders and pushed me forward. He flashed his boarding pass and passport to the sexy Australian man as he pushed me onto the ship. If I can’t hit on hot foreign men, then neither can you.

I couldn’t help but laugh as Ryan pushed me through the entrance of the ship and down the hallway leading toward the passenger section.

We made our way into the grand room. It was huge. There were boutiques, eateries, and basically, everything you would need to live on this ship. It was beautiful. To my left, a grand staircase made of white marble rose three levels in an atrium style.

Am I dead? Did we die? Ryan’s eyes were wide, and his jaw was practically on the ground. He walked slightly ahead of me and peered up to the skylight.

No, somehow, this is reality. I patted him on his shoulder. Come on. We gotta find the room, unpack, and meet my family on the Riviera deck to wave at people.

Ryan stopped and cocked his head. Wave at people? Who?

I grabbed his wrist and pulled him toward the staterooms. People wishing us well on our trip. It seemed so normal to me, growing up with money was an interesting experience. I often forget that others didn’t live like I lived. Vacations every year that involved a plane, sometimes a ship like this, other times a person in a mouse costume. Once I went to college, I learned that the way I lived was different.

Who do you know in Fort Lauderdale? he asked as he pulled away from my grasp to walk on his own.

I stopped and stared blankly into Ryan’s eyes. Absolutely no one. I knew how crazy it had sounded. I had been on a couple of cruises before; Ryan had not. Listen, it’s a cruise ship thing. You wave at the people who are on the shore, and they wave back.

Ryan was speechless. He was born and raised in New York City and had lived in LA for six years. He wasn’t used to people randomly waving at others for no reason.

I grabbed his hand again and pulled him in the direction of our stateroom. At least my parents got us a balcony room. I did offer to pay for it, I complained as we entered our room. It was small but comfortable. There was one king-size bed in the middle and a TV mounted on the wall opposite the bed. Aside from that, it was sparse. I had become very successful with an animation company. I was head art director for a hit cartoon on television and Ryan was one of my animators. I knew hanging out with your employees was the worst idea ever, but he and I became friends before I got this job when we were both background animators for a cartoon that lasted two years and then just went away. He and I could have afforded our own tickets, but my mother insisted on paying for both of us.

I’m surprised your parents requested a single, Ryan mentioned as he tossed his suitcase on the large bed.

I guess you’re only expected to stay a virgin before marriage until your late 20s. I joked about my mother’s random change in tone once I reached the age where I was now running out of time and that I might become an old spinster. Somehow, my mother still lived in the days when a woman's only purpose was to pop out children. Truth was, and my mother would probably burst into flames if she knew, the virginity ship sailed at sixteen when I made a mistake with my first boyfriend. I just wish she would have let me pay.

My parents have always been the kind of people who loved flaunting their money. My dad is a real estate agent, and my mother is a financial advisor. I grew up in Burnsville, Minnesota. Oh, you haven’t heard of it? It’s about seventeen miles directly south of Minneapolis, get on Interstate 35W heading North—sorry the Twin Cities are weird with their roads—and you just keep going until you hit downtown, that is if the construction isn’t too bad.

With those jobs in the biggest population area of the entire state, they had money and a lot of it. They were also great at saving, so when the recession hit in 2008, it could have been devastating, but the truth is, we were fine, lived off my parents’ savings for a few years until business picked back up again, and my dad became an expert in foreclosed houses during that time. The only downside was, I turned sixteen that year and I didn’t get my dream car. It was devastating back then, but looking back, I was a spoiled brat.

So, it was clear that my parents were making sure us kids never forgot that they had money. Since they became empty nesters, they decided to spend our inheritance before we could ever get our greedy hands on it. This time, we were celebrating my dad for selling some famous athlete’s multi-million-dollar property. It was the biggest house of his career, with the biggest commission.

"Oh, poor you, your parents are rich, and you just have to go on these vacations that you don’t have to pay for. Ryan would often call me on my shit, I was still somewhat disconnected from reality when it came to money and no money. I mean, come on, I had to get a job at fifteen to help pay for rent because of the recession."

I gazed over at Ryan; I had no idea that his family had that little money growing up. You had to help pay rent? I couldn’t even imagine. I didn’t have to start working until I got to college, but even then, it was mostly just spending money and not out of necessity. I spent my after-school time doing theater and mock trials. I wanted to be a lawyer when I was in high school. We spent summers camping, swimming, taking long bike trips, and all kinds of other outdoor activities where a summer job would have been impossible.

Yeah, rent is this thing where you don’t own a house —

I cut him off. I know what rent is! My hands hugged my hips and my gaze pierced through him. I softened though. It’s just sad. You didn’t get to enjoy stuff.

Don’t feel bad for me. I could tell I was making him angry. I still had fun. I spent all my free time drawing, he explained.

It was then that I realized, I never listened to him. I had heard all his big accomplishments, graduating high school at the top of his class, getting accepted into the best animation school in the country, and coming out to his parents when he was twenty. Why don’t you ever talk about when you’re a kid? It’s as if his life began at eighteen when he graduated high school.

Ryan shrugged but remained silent.

The ringing of my stateroom phone finally broke this awkward silence. I grabbed the phone quickly. Hello?

On the other end was my mother. Hello, dear, glad to know you’re on the ship, come to the deck so we can wave at the people on shore. It was my mother’s favorite part of cruises. We had been on our fair share. Caribbean, Alaskan, Mediterranean, Nordic, you name it, we had done it at least once. We even once took a cruise on the Great Lakes—yes those exist.

Yeah, I’ll head right up there. I was always so used to being a singular person, I forgot I had Ryan with me.

What about Ryan? She sounded as though she had just heard the scandal of the century.

He seemed to think the idea was pretty silly, but I’ll see if he’s ready to meet everyone. I glanced at Ryan who was unpacking his suitcase into one of the drawers.

See you soon! She sounded so proud of me like I had won an Oscar for best animated film or something. However, my winning an Oscar wouldn’t mean anything to her if I didn’t have a man to thank in my acceptance speech.

My mother meant well, or at least that’s what I told myself. Her goal in life was to always have a successful marriage and happy healthy children. She only started working when all of us were in school. She was so desperate to be so intertwined with our growth and education, that she needed to be a stay-at-home mom. Maybe that’s where I get my resentment for the idea of ever having children. Since I was a kid, I was always immersed in extracurricular activities. I had one boyfriend in high school that lasted two months and caused me to have sex before I was ready. My sister ended up marrying her high school sweetheart before either of them could drink at the reception. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of them for the life they built, but that is not a life I would have wanted to live. I barely want to live it now. Then there was my brother. He dated casually until he met his current wife.

Lori, honey, the only way to live a fulfilled life is to have children. That’s what my mother would always tell me. From the moment I was eighteen, she was obsessed with getting me married because I was so far behind Kasey, my sister, that it was embarrassing for her, or something.

I mean, for her, that was true. I never wanted to devalue what she did and how she chose to live her life. It was just as valid of a choice as any. The issue always was, she never understood or validated how I wanted to live mine. Every time I would come home to visit, she would ask me about my love life, and now that I’m entering my thirties, I am evidently running out of time.

Lori. I had gotten lost in my head again. I did that a lot when I was preparing to see my family. There’s a lot of resentment inside of me, hence my decision a few years ago to finally start seeing a therapist who had diagnosed me with a grocery list of conditions stemming from purity culture and my mother’s emotional abuse.

What? I shook my head and looked at Ryan. He had managed to change into shorts and a tank top while I spoke with my mother and fell down this rabbit hole of dealing with how much my mother drove me crazy.

I take it your mom wants to wave at strangers now? He chuckled.

I knew he thought it seemed silly, but it was something fun to do. I hoped he would come with me and experience the fun himself. Yeah, she wants you to come.

Ryan reached out his arm for me to wrap mine around. Let’s get this over with, fiancée.

I felt sick to my stomach at his words. People don’t talk like that, Ry. I didn’t want him to blow our cover on the first night.

We made our way through the ship and got to the deck to meet my parents, and there was my eccentric mother with two margaritas in hand. Her burnt-umber hair was pulled back in a low ponytail. Her sunglasses are so big, you’d think she was a celebrity hiding her identity. 

One of those better be for me, I joked as I held out my hand with a sarcastic smile. She drove me crazy, but I also cultivated a play-nice attitude around her. I learned how to just nod and take her constant passive-aggressiveness about my life choices and not start a fight.

She handed me one of the drinks and I immediately began sucking that straw like I hadn’t seen water in days. I was feeling like this was a multiple-drink night… I mean day. As I said, I learned how not to start a fight, and sometimes, that meant getting drunk by noon. 

Woah, slow down there, it’s still technically morning. My baby brother laughed as he pulled the large green drink away from me. In his other hand, a bottle of beer.

Derrek, my brother, was three years younger than me, he had a wife, but no kids. I often wonder if Mom gave him the same crap, or if that’s just saved for me.

I do what I want. I messed with his sandy-colored hair. Drink your beer and mind your own business. I stole my drink back and inhaled it once again. The plan was just to be drunk the whole week. That would probably make the trip a lot more tolerable.

We had a very playful relationship. He was one of my best friends growing up. I was surprised when he brought home a girl. He had always confided in me that he wasn’t sure if he liked girls, boys, or both. I was very happy that he had found someone to love though. It was important to him. He was kind of like my mom that way. He knew from a young age that he wanted to get married and have children.

What are you drinking, Steph? I peered over to my sister-in-law, who had a clear drink. She had always been a party girl since I had known her. She and my brother started dating in college and got married very quickly. They would come out to California, and we would party hop. She had pictures with so many minor celebrities, you’d think she was one herself.

Just water. Steph removed her sun hat, revealing her curly red hair. She’s one of those cheerleader types from high school, but the ones that were nice to everyone, and not in an ironic way. I genuinely loved her.

Water? Wanna go hard tonight? I asked. I figured I had a built-in party group this week, and I was so looking forward to letting loose.

Steph and Derrek exchanged glances. I can’t.

Can’t? What did that mean? You can’t? I laughed. What are you? Pregnant?

I saw her and Derrek become very uncomfortable, and it hit me.

Oh, my God. My jaw dropped and my heart skipped a beat. They had talked about eventually getting pregnant, but I was not expecting to accidentally drop their bomb on this trip.

Oh, my God! My mother began jumping around and making very high-pitched squealing noises. She grabbed my brother and hugged him so hard; I could see him struggling to take a breath.

I felt awful. Telling your family that you’re pregnant is a big deal, and I had just ruined that for them. Sorry. I mouthed to my brother, who I was fearing was near death from strangulation.

After our psychotic mother let go, and my brother could speak again, he did. It’s cool. We were gonna tell everyone on the trip anyway. Since Steph wasn’t going to be drinking.

When someone almost always had a drink in their hand and then suddenly stopped? Yeah, dead giveaway. I reached for Derrek. Congrats, baby brother.

We hugged.

It was at that point that I realized that I hadn’t introduced Ryan yet, except to Derrek and Steph of course. My body was filled with anxiety that I hadn’t let Derrek and Steph in on this little ruse I had going on. I would just have to fill them in later. Guys, this is Ryan, my fiancé. I shot looks at both my brother and his wife, hoping they would get the clue and play along.

Ryan stepped forward with a smile beaming across his face. Sell it, buddy. It’s nice to meet all of you. He extended his hand to my mother.

My mother was a hugger. Oh, we do not shake hands in this family. She pulled him into another death hug.

I continued my glance at my brother, pleading with my eyes.

I got a knowing nod from him. I mean, he knew how crazy our mother could get, especially about my choice to remain single and childless.

After my mother let go, I gestured to my brother. You already know Derrek and his wife.

How you doin’, man? Ryan reached out his hand to my brother. Congrats.

My brother grabbed his hand and smiled with a nod.

My mother went from celebratory to sheer anger. You two already knew about this?

Derrek winced and glanced at our mother. I mean, they work together and hang out. It was only a matter of time before they hooked up. He raised his eyebrows at me.

Derrek Randall Johnson, don’t say hookup. My mother was a very old-fashioned kind of woman. When I was in high school, I merely kissed my boyfriend in front of my mother, and she acted like she walked in on us during the night I lost my virginity.

It made me wonder about our room again. Why do we have the same room with only one bed, I finally asked. Also giving Derrek a reprieve until the four of us could get together and get our story straight.

Well, your father and I figure, since there’s a ring involved. Mom grabbed my left hand, which of course didn’t have a ring on it because, well, we weren’t engaged.

Maybe this is the perfect time to back up and explain.

It was about six months ago; I was on the phone with my mother in my condo. Ryan and I had been living together as roommates for about a year. He was watching TV in the living room while I was in the kitchen, trying to convince my mother that my lifestyle was perfectly acceptable.

Mom, would you leave it alone? I don’t care— I could rarely get an entire sentence out, especially when I was defending my life and choices. I was at a breaking point with her.

Sweetheart, I want you to be taken care of. Her concern was noted, but not appreciated at this point.

I can take care of myself. I bought this condo last year, by myself, I reassured her. I knew she just wanted what was best for me. That’s why I had a lot of compassion for her, but her way of showing that care has always been destructive. Her priorities were different. I could accept that; she couldn’t.

Exactly, what kind of man will want to marry a woman who owns real estate? Not sure where her logic came from. At one point, I told her I was thinking about getting a dog and she told me that no man would be interested in a woman with an animal. There was also some weird comment about how animals are not children.

The kind of man that I would want to marry? I will admit to my tone being rude. I even saw Ryan cock his head over to see me in the kitchen with a shocked look. Like I said, this conversation needed to end or I was going to say something I would regret, and trust me, I did.

There was silence over the phone until she finally said, Your life just hasn’t started until you have a child. Which, I understood she