Sacred Death: Reclaim Dying and Embrace Living

Section 1: Introduction...

Foreword

D eath is under-rated ! was her surprising response.

I was proposing to run a workshop on death at her Centre and, as always, a little wary of the response. It turned out her NDE (near death experience) had created her unusual perspective, and she was a fan.

Hers was not a typical reaction and I’d like to address that. I have found that changing my perceptions around death and grief have given me more compassion, less fear and an enduring intention to experience life to the full.

So what’s the problem?

Much more common responses in the face of death are fear, devastation, dismay, confusion, embarrassment – and avoidance.

Most of us have limited experience of death these days. We’ve certainly seen it happen in films and we may have experienced the death of a grandparent or friend or family member. But compared to the traditional village life experienced by our ancestors, or peoples in other cultures, death is largely hidden away in modern Western society.

And doesn’t something hidden often feel scarier?

We may be hiding from death in our hearts and minds too. By not writing a will because it feels like tempting providence, by avoiding a bereaved friend because we can’t think of anything to say, or by using terms like fighting disease and cheating death.

Fear of death does more harm than death itself because it turns us into cowards, whereas death merely returns us to nature. (Robertson, 2019)

Mortality is a big deal. Small wonder that we turn away from it. Choosing the invincibility of youth or to ignore that niggling pain that maybe we should get checked out.

Time for a change?

And yet, you have picked up this book.

Maybe death has intruded on your life and you’re looking for clues. A friend has died by suicide, or unexpectedly from an accident or act of violence. Maybe your mother is talking to you about Assisted Dying or you have lost a parent. Maybe your best friend has been bereaved and you don’t know what to say to her.

It could also be that you are curious. Maybe you are ready to come on this magical journey of death. Because it can be a precious journey. It can bring life into focus. It can clear away the detritus of good manners and unsaid feelings and lay us bare to our fundamental truths.

Or you may have experienced another kind of loss. The end of a career or business, losing your right to live in your own country, the end of a relationship, or the death of a pet. All losses trigger some of the same experiences as death, and offer the same opportunity to learn and grow, developing resilience and wisdom on our journey through life.

Deaths contain our truth about what matters to us. And who matters to us.

My hope is that in reading this book, you shift your relationship with death and loss. That you can reconsider your fears – moving them for now to a safe place, so you can retrieve them later if you wish to. And instead, just for now, for this journey with me, pick up your curiosity, an open heart, and an open mind. I hope that through this voyage you will find more peace, more comfort and maybe even touch the bliss and possibility that lie within our experience of death.

The 4 Gifts of working with Death

Ihave found many wonderful things about working with this profound moment in our life journey. Here are four that stand out – I consider them the gifts of death.

Gratitude: of course I am always grateful not to be the one dying or watching a loved one die. Seeing the value life holds in those last moments is a constant reminder of just how precious every day is – and how important it is to live it well.

In a world where we are besieged with messages about what we lack in our life (and how to get it) then how beautiful to feel grateful instead for what we have.

Compassion: a deathbed scene will stir the hardest of hearts. This is our humanity laid bare.

The news cycle numbs us every day with tales of disaster all over the globe, so it is even more important to connect with our compassion – for ourselves firstly, to open our hearts, and then for others.

Growth: every death is different, just as every human is different. There is so much to learn, about ourselves and others, in every interaction. To learn not from an online training program but from real lived experience.

Clarity: we’ve all heard how nobody died saying they wished they worked harder. Expanding this message, the dying process is such a clarifying one. The things that don’t matter fall away and the important ones – love and joy and connection stand bright.

You will find your own gifts too. Enjoy your journey,

Catherine Shovlin

Ubud, Bali, October 2023

First – hati hati on your journey

This is not a trivial journey that you have embarked on, and I urge you to treat yourself with respect, patience and compassion as you go through it. As they say here in Bali, hati hati . It means take care, but hati is also the word for the emotional heart centre. Be in your heart. Be in your emotions. Be true.

Before we start, I invite you to make the same shared commitments that I use in all my training sessions. We will be facing some deep truths, and this work can stir up long buried emotions and responses. Bearing these two commitments in mind can support the integrity of the process:

Firstly, I honour myself and all my experiences and reactions, past and present. I am not here to judge myself or punish myself for past behaviours, I am here to learn and grow. I will take this journey at the pace that is right for me; pausing for reflection or integration whenever I need to. I will be gentle and compassionate with myself and self-soothe in healthy ways when I feel the need.

Secondly, I honour all others who have been part of my journey so far. I will aim to avoid using my deepening understanding as a reason to judge others, holding them always with compassion and accepting that there is much I do not know that is behind their behaviour. I do not need to forgive any of them, but hope to understand them better, and learn from them.

I encourage you to reflect as you go, read this book in digestible sized chunks for you, and to use any of your regular self-care techniques to support yourself, and those with whom you interact. See later section on self-care for more on this.

Thank you for considering this journey. I hope you read on. Befriending death has changed my life for the better and that is my wish for you too. In the mud of fear and anger and grief there are jewels to be found. Let us journey together.

Let death guide you into living a more loving and meaningful life (Ostaseski, The Five Invitations, 2017)

Frank Ostaseski, founding director of the Zen Hospice Project in San Francisco

Gratitudes

Icould never have made this journey on my own. I offer deep appreciation for all those who have helped me, in particular my teachers Hermione Elliot , inspirational founder of Living Well Dying Well, and Simon Buxton, skilful leader and guide of The Sacred Trust. 

And so many others. Every client I have ever worked with has been my teacher, and every person who has come on my Sacred Death training courses in Bali or to Death Cafes I have run in England, Bali and Australia has brought their gifts and insights. I thank all the other End-of-Life doulas and palliative care workers I have had the pleasure to meet and learn from.

For opening my views on colonising and decolonising, I thank my daughter Imo, and teachers Kate Young, Sanne Breimer and Robin Lim.

A special thank you to the beautiful island of Bali, where this book was written. Her wisdom, her gentleness and the heartening abundance of my jungle-and-volcano view from my writing room could not fail to inspire me. The very different view of death and death ceremonies could not fail to inform my view. And the deeply felt philosophy of a people for whom community matters more than the individual and the ancestors are as real as those still living changes everything.

We are all in this together, all learning together. Let it flow.

Section 2: Our own death...

My starting point

When I started my End -of-Life Doula training in 2017, I quickly realised I was a bit of a death denier. I was certainly interested in the work, it had called me in very definitively, yet in my heart I was still seeing death as something that Happens to Other People.

My brain knew this was ridiculous. Prophets and heroes, rock stars and great artists have all died. There was zero evidence to suggest I might be the one to get away with it. I was kind of embarrassed to admit how I felt.

But it is not an uncommon sensation. Even if our brains do accept the inevitability of death, our hearts and souls may turn away from that truth.

Fear of the unknown is of course completely normal. And death remains the greatest unknown of our lives. Those with strong religious or spiritual beliefs may have faith and feel confidence that they are on their way to a hereafter, an afterlife. Research shows that having such a belief system helps at the time of death, bringing more peace to the process and a sense of purpose since in most religious systems a life on earth is seen as some kind of testing ground, or growing opportunity, which will determine the next stage for the ongoing nature (often referred to as a spirit or a soul) of that individual.

Such beliefs can also bring great fear at the time of death if the person feels they have fallen short or failed in this life and only judgment and retribution are waiting for them beyond death.

Many who have had near-death experiences earlier in their lives have good reason to feel better informed and research suggests this greatly reduces their fear of death.

Results indicated that people who had an NDE had lower fear of death, higher self-esteem, greater mindfulness, and viewed death more as a transition rather than as absolute annihilation. (Journal of Humanistic Psychology, 2019)

But the truth of it is, however, strong your beliefs, none of us know for sure what is on the other side of the door.

Given our human tendency to live in the future (or the past – anything but the actual here and now) maybe that’s just as well. Maybe life is meant to be about living, and only death is about dying. Maybe it would be a distraction to know for sure what’s next or why we are here. Maybe it would shift our focus too much and detract from the rich possibilities of our lived experience – trials and tribulations and joys and all.

I was proposing to run a workshop on death and had tentatively approached the Centre’s owner. A little wary, as always, of the response.

Death is under-rated! was her surprising response.

It turned out her NDE (near death experience) had created her unusual perspective, and she was a fan.

Hers was not a typical reaction and I’d like to address that. I have found that changing my perceptions around death and grief have given me more compassion, less fear and an enduring intention to experience life to the full.

Setting out on the journey

During my two years of End-of-Life Doula training - discovering so much about this great mystery, facing my own fears and sharing others’ dying processes – I felt my view shift.

I was struck by how unhelpful the attitudes to death are that we can find in so-called civilised society. Working one to one with someone who is dying is sacred and important work, and I have the greatest respect for those who use the End-of-Life Doula training for that. For me, the bigger calling is to share my journey with others who are open to making their own journey to reclaim death for themselves or come to terms with deaths they have experienced.

Since then I have run my Sacred Death course several times for those preferring a deep dive into the subject. Through this work as well as holding Death Cafes and Grief Circles I have heard many touching stories. Dying is the crucible of the human experience, as sacred a moment as birth, and one deserving at least as much attention. 

To reach out to a wider audience than I can in small group training, I have been encouraged to share some of that experience in this book.

Your journey

So how about you? Where are you currently on your journey with death? Understanding our own beliefs about death, daring to go there in our thinking, is an important first step on the journey. Once we can see clearly what we currently think, we can start to choose which of those beliefs and ideas we are happy with, and which might benefit from a rethink. It also puts us in a more transparent and self-aware place to have conversations with other people about death.

Let’s look at some statements to start us off, and help you orientate your current position. This is not a fun quiz that will tell you which of the characters in Friends you are most like, rather these are some positions you might relate to – or not - to get you thinking. To self-reflect on your own ideas and assumptions about death. Some of which you might not have even noticed you are holding because, to you, they are as natural as the air you breathe.

For each statement I invite you to consider how much you relate to it. Is it not you - something you never fear or don’t believe at all? Or maybe something you often think or feel? Or somewhere in between. Make a note for your own reference so you can reflect on what emerges for you from the process. It might also be interesting to look at these questions again after reading this book and see if you have shifted your position on any of them.

1.  Your views on death

I often think about my own death.

I am afraid of death.

I avoid thinking about death.

If I knew I had a life-limiting condition, I would do whatever it takes to fight it.

I often think about the meaning of life, of my life.

I believe in life after death.

I have spiritual beliefs which help me when I think about death.

I hate to think it’s all over when I die.

I believe people have the right to end their own lives.

2.  Death and Dying

I have had close contact with other people’s deaths.

I get upset to see death and dying in TV/films.

I often think about the fact that those close to me will die one day.

I often think about those close to me that have already died.

I am good at being ill, I’m an easy patient, I don’t make a fuss or a lot of demands.

I am good about other people being ill, I take excellent care of them, nothing is too much trouble.

3.  Planning for death

I have a legal document with my preferences for the end of my life (eg DNR, time on life support, preferred location)

I have a power of attorney in place for my health decisions.

I have a power of attorney in place for my financial decisions.

I have planned my own funeral and shared my plans with others.

I carry an organ donor card.

I have made a will.

CONSIDERING ALL YOUR answers, which of the following categories feel most like you? Of course you won’t feel the same every day, but we all have a general tendency. Is it a surprise? Are there aspects to some of the questions that you would like to explore further, shift even?

Typical attitudes to death

Before we get into more depth, here is a brief outline of the main types of attitudes people have towards death:

-  Death Avoiding: If this is you, you avoid anything to do with death. You don’t want to think about it and change the subject if it comes up. That might help you avoid discomfort, but it can also mean a lack of realism eg not making a will, which can have repercussions for those around you when the inevitable finally happens.

-  Death Fearing: Many will identify with this category. The very idea of death fills you with a sense of dread. You fear the loss of your independence and faculties as you approach death, you are worried about the pain that may be in store, and the journey through death – especially if your faith or own conscience includes a concept of judgment and punishment.

-  Death Denying: You are ignoring the fact that you will die and may act like you will live forever. This can