The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus: A Novel About Marriage, Motherhood, and Mayhem
By Sonya Sones
()
About this ebook
“Funny, fresh, and heartbreakingly poignant, this book had me laughing and crying at the same time.”
—Meg Cabot, author of The Princess Diaries series and Insatiable
“I read The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus and I saw the light and the mirror and fell under Sonya Sones’ spell.”
— Jacquelyn Mitchard, author of The Deep End of the Ocean
“Wallpaper a room with the pages of The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus. It will be your favorite place. The room you come back to again and again, year after year.”
—Ilene Beckerman, author of Love, Loss, and What I Wore
Celebrated YA novelist Sonya Sones makes a HUGE splash with her first adult novel, The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus, spinning a funny, fierce, and piercingly honest coming-of-middle-age story about falling apart and putting yourself back together. Nora Ephron’s I Feel Bad About My Neck meets Elizabeth Berg—boldly original and endlessly enthralling—The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus is a luminous, brilliantly told story of life, marriage, and parenthood that you will not soon forget.
Sonya Sones
Sonya Sones has written seven novels in verse: The Opposite of Innocent, Stop Pretending: What Happened When My Big Sister Went Crazy; What My Mother Doesn’t Know and its companion, What My Girlfriend Doesn’t Know; One of Those Hideous Books Where the Mother Dies; To Be Perfectly Honest; and Saving Red. Sonya’s books have received many honors, but she was especially thrilled when she learned that she was on the American Library Association’s list of the Most Frequently Challenged Authors of the 21st Century. She lives near the beach in California. You can visit her at www.sonyasones.com or write her at [email protected].
Read more from Sonya Sones
Stop Pretending: What Happened When My Big Sister Went Crazy Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Saving Red Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Related to The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus
Related ebooks
Picture of Me Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsLosing Mom: A Daughter’S Perspective on Her Mother’S Journey with Alzheimer’S Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsLove Captured Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5Firekeeper's Daughter Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Father Ghost Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsUnwrapped Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsA Dog's Tale Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsLife’S Simplicities Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsI Am Because You Were: Inspired By True Events Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMy Undead Life Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsCandlelight: Ember Series, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsOn Her Own Terms: Poems about Memory Loss and Living Life to the Fullest Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsIt's Not My Fault! Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMaybe We're All Damaged Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Longing Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsSoul Stone Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsOscar Season Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5My Second Chance At Life Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsRemaining Aileen: Book One Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Witch and the Werewolf: Betwixt Realms, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsForty Bad Poems Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsAgainst All Odds: My journey to becoming a flight attendant: A Memoir Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsFirst Drafts from the Brewery Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsAbode of the Gods Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsHarbor Village: the 4 Seasons Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsAre You There? Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Ghost Network Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsSiren Song Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsStrength of Spirit Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsFeelings of Sadness Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Contemporary Romance For You
It Ends with Us: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5November 9: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The True Love Experiment Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Ugly Love: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5It Starts with Us: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Icebreaker: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Animal Farm Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Heart Bones: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Confess: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Before We Were Strangers: A Love Story Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Finding Cinderella: A Novella Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5All Your Perfects: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Hopeless Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Wallbanger Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Without Merit: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Slammed: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5You Made a Fool of Death with Your Beauty: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Beautiful Disaster: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Maybe Someday Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Ruin Me Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Spanish Love Deception: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Wildfire: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Point of Retreat: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Stone Heart Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Maybe Now: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Finding Perfect: A Novella Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Maybe Not: A Novella Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Dirty Thirty Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Beautiful Bastard Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Something Borrowed: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Related categories
Reviews for The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus
0 ratings0 reviews
Book preview
The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus - Sonya Sones
The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus
A Novel about Marriage, Motherhood, and Mayhem
Sonya Sones
For my husband Bennett
and my daughter Ava—
who are not
the husband and the daughter in this book.
No.
Seriously.
And for my son Jeremy, too—
who’s glad to have dodged a bullet on this one.
BY THE FIRE
I’m curled up like a comma
on my couch,
swaddled in
my husband’s velvet arms,
watching sparks
play chase games up the flue,
breathing in
our pepper tree’s sweet scent,
listening to her hiss
and snap and purr,
savoring
her sizzling scarlet glow,
this heat of hers that flows
into my bones,
knowing
that our tree’s not really gone—
that even when her arms
have turned to ash
a part of her, the heart of her,
will live on in these lines.
THE POET’S DISCLAIMER
Oh no!
Due to reflow-
able text capability in e-books like this,
the pages might look somewhat amiss
when comprised of poems—
not at all like they do in paper tomes.
If you find that the font is too small to read
and you choose to adjust it to suit your need,
the stanzas might look a tad out of whack.
So feel free to switch it right back.
And there’s just one more thing
that I would like to bring to your attention:
I feel I must mention
that though some like to read
while they rub-a-dub-dub,
you’d be wise to keep this version out of the tub.
Contents
The Poet’s Disclaimer
Skidmarks
What I Learn from Cosmo While Waiting to See the Doctor
Ultrasound
Michael and I Don’t Want Any More Children
But Now–I’ll Never be Pregnant Again
Bad Timing
The Phone Rings–Snapping Me Back to the Present
As Soon As I Hang Up the Phone, It Rings Again
When I Get Home from the Beach
But Don’t Get Me Wrong
Then Suddenly–The Doorbell’s Ringing
Alice and I Drain the Bottle
When Michael Returns Home with Samantha
Half an Hour Later
When Wendy and Tess Come to Pick Up Sam
When Michael Returns from Driving Alice Home
When Sam Gets Home from Studying at Laura’s
Happy Birthday to Me
What I Am
Hmmmlet…
Thanksgiving
Cousin Alice Arrives for Thanksgiving Dinner
Though I Have to Admit
The True Meaning of Wistful
I Consider Myself a Pretty Darn Good Speller
Christmas in Cleveland
I Glance Over at My Mother
New Year’s Resolution
Which Is More Than I Can Say About Myself These Days
But What I Really Can’t Figure Out
Time Flies
Crying Jags
Because
What I Finally Figure Out is This
When Michael Returns from the Frame Shop
Moments Later
My Mother Has Been Admitted to the Hospital
I Hang Up and Call My Mother
The Kind of Girl Samantha Is
And When She Finally Finishes Baking
And Suddenly, A Memory Washes Over Me
April Fool’s Day
Our Baby’s Been in There for Ten Minutes
When Sam Finally Emerges
My Floodgates are Getting Ready to Burst
Writus Interruptus
I Mean, for Cryin’ Out Loud
Then, of Course, Things Spiraled Out of Control
After an Argument with Hubby
Is It a Bad Sign?
When I Finally Run Out of Old Boyfriends
I Don’t Answer My Daughter’s Rhetorical Question
Shift Happens
The Leaning Tower of Me
Chamber of Horrors
A Brief History of My Boobs
On the Way Out of Neiman’s
Cousin Alice Calls
Dr. Hack Finally Gets on the Line
I Tell Dr. Hack That Someone’s at the Door
But…
But Roxie’s Call Has Freaked Me Out
Even My Hair is Fifty…
My Knees are Fifty, Too
For Chrissake–
Maybe This is How It Will Happen
Is This How It Was For You?
How Do U No When Ur Old?
So I’m Feeling a Little Sad Today
Kitchen Quarrel
But I Shudder to Think About Next Year
Where I Get My Ideas
And Speaking of Blood
But That’s Not How I Described It to My Daughter
It Can’t Be PMS
Rude Awakening
Is It a Bad Sign?
To the One-Pound Bag of Oreos I Just Bought
I am Not Addicted to Email
Pepto Abysmal
Saturday Morning
Later On, Back at the Helliday Inn
Damn!
I Hang Up and Punch in Michael’s Number
On Sunday Morning
Why Don’t I Ask Him This?
But, Really
In the Taxi on the Way Home from the Airport
It’s Past Midnight When I Finally Get Home
The Next Day
After Alice Leaves
On the Way to the Farmers’ Market
Is It a Bad Sign?
When I’m Writing a Poem
When I’m Writing a Poem
I am Tired of Being a Poet
And Come to Think of It
And You Know What?
Every Time My Mother Calls
When I Get Like This
Though, Let’s Face It
Anyone Could Have Moved into That House
Actually
I’m In a Huge Hurry
Michael Doesn’t Notice Me Coming
So I Ask Him for My Scissors, Instead
Our Pepper Tree is Failing Fast
On Mother’s Day
I Ask Dr. Hack About My Mother’s Memory Loss
In Praise of Popcorn
I Wish My Mother Were Doing Better
The Last Time
A Few Minutes Later
Before Prom
Hold On–Back Up a Couple of Stanzas!
Just Kidding
A Sentimental Silence Drifts Down Over Us
Oh, Well
A Few Days After Prom
Graduation Day Snapshot
Another Call from My Mother
I Pull Myself Together
But I Call Alice, Just to Make Sure
Weekend Update
Is It a Bad Sign?
Limbo Daze
I’ve Been Out All Morning Buying Presents for My Mother
So I Stomp Out of My Office
Omigod!
My Hand Creeps Out
Suddenly
Samantha Says She’s Craving an Omelet
Sam Hands Me a Stick of Butter
Two Mindless Hours, Three New Bras, Four New T-Shirts, and Five New Sweaters Later
Samantha Notices, Too
Enough is Enough
Here is What the Email Says
Michael’s Not Buying Art Supplies!
I Turn to Run Out the Door
At Which Point
Later
That Evening
It is Dr. Hack!
The Three of Us Do the Happy Benign Mass
Dance
My Mother is Not a Married Woman
Is It a Bad Sign?
Trying to Reserve the Flight That Will Take Samantha to College
A Few Weeks Before Samantha Leaves for College
Trashed
In Just a Few More Days
But How Can That be Possible?
Samantha Was an Incredible Baby
And Michael Was Grateful, Too
One Day
I’m Cleaning Out Samantha’s Closet
I Close the Lid On the Box
A No-Brainer
Aftermath
I Close the Door Behind Them
Remembering the Day Samantha Learned to Ride
I Take a Few Deep Breaths
When My Mother Hears My Voice
I Just Weighed Myself
And I’ll Cry If I Want To
The Night Before Samantha Leaves
Alice Drove Us to the Airport at Noon
We’re the First to Arrive at Her Dorm
Everyone’s Unpacking
Making Up Her Bed
An Old Friend
The Unpacking is Done
After We Kiss Samantha Goodnight
Is It a Bad Sign?
In the Morning
When I Hug My Daughter Good-Bye
I Will Miss Her
The Captain Has Turned on the Seat Belt Sign
The Taxi Drops Us Off in front of Our House
Our Pepper Tree is Dead
Samantha’s Room
At the Grocery Store
So I’m Feeling a Little Sad Today
The Phone Rings
We Say Good-Bye to Samantha and Hang Up
The Mothers of Daughters Who Have Gone Off to College
Michael Says We Need to Have Some Fun Together
At Spumoni’s
The Next Morning
How Does It Happen?
I Head to the Bedroom to Lie Down
A Minute Later
I’m Still in Mid-Weep When Alice Calls
The Phone Rings Again
Stopping to Admire a Baby at the Cleaners
And Speaking of My Mother…
I’m Really Not in the Mood to Go Out
On a Bad Day
It’s Strange…
A Match.Com Made in Heaven
Double Date
What to Expect When Your Husband Goes into Therapy
I Want a New Husband
I Want a New Husband
I Want a New Husband
Firewood
Our Backyard Looks So Barren Now
Then–Pinkie Starts Yapping
Another Call from Samantha
A Chat with Dr. Hack
United Flight #3534
The Visit
My Mother Finally Nods Off
That’s the Bad News
I’m Blushing in Places I’ve Never Blushed Before
I Have Got to Get a Grip
Griffin Presses the Button for the Fifth Floor
I Feel As If I’m in a Dream
I Gasp and Stifle a Scream
Someone
is a Lot Claustrophobic!
And As Soon As I Hear It
So…
And That’s When I Notice It
Griffin’s Silhouette Glides Closer
But Then
The Lights Flicker Back On!
The Really Good News
Before I Can Answer Her Question
Dr. Gold Invites Me to His Office to Talk
All That Glitters is Dr. Gold
After My Mother’s Examination
Hospital Waiting Room Haiku
Aftershocks
My Mother Takes a Nap
The Sun Paints the Parking Lot Pink
The Next Morning
I Step Outside to Take the Call
As Soon As We Say Good-Bye
Turbulence
Isn’t It Strange?
I Splash Some Cold Water on My Face
When I Return to the Hospital
Time Does Not Fly When You are Waiting for Test Results
I’ve Never Been Much Good at Waiting
Thank God!
For the Next Few Days
Marriage is a Fire
You Know What I Love About Michael?
On a Good Day
Michael and I Go Over to Meet the New Baby
Sam’s Taking a Class Called Positive Psychology
I Don’t Feel Like Going to the Party
And That’s When It Dawns On Me
Safe and Sound?
Today, When I Call
During the Hell That Freezes Over
I’ve Been Working Day and Night
It Happens for the Zillionth Time On the Eve of My Fifty-First Birthday
I Shove Open the French Doors
On My Birthday
Later On
Culture Shock
Aw, Come On
In the Mail
Is It a Good Sign?
Nostalgia
What I Am Going to Do
Spanx?
It’s a Perfect California Fall Day
I Clear My Throat
A Week Later–Roxie Calls
By the Fire
A Recipe for Butterscotch Brownies
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Other Books by Sonya Sones
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
SKIDMARKS
The first one catches my eye
as I fly down the freeway rushing
to get to the doctor’s office on time
and pretty soon that’s all I can see—
streaming across the pavement
in blurred black streaks
as though
the road’s mascara
is running.
I don’t want to fixate
on these desperate claw marks,
these permanent records of calamity,
but I can’t seem
to stop myself
from staring at them
any more than I can stop myself
from careening toward
my fiftieth birthday—
the one that’s rushing at me
like a cinderblock wall while I try
in vain to slam on my brakes.
WHAT I LEARN FROM COSMO WHILE WAITING TO SEE THE DOCTOR
I learn that pumpkin pie
and lavender
are aphrodisiacs.
I learn that the French term for crabs
is papillons d’amour—
butterflies of love.
I learn that the average
speed of ejaculation
is twenty-eight miles per hour.
And I’m just about
to learn the identity
of the next awesome sex prop
(which
the magazine says
is probably in my purse!)
when,
much to my chagrin,
the nurse calls me in.
ULTRASOUND
Eighteen years ago, when Dr. Stone
squirted the icy gel across my stomach,
then turned to examine my