Human.4
3.5/5
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About this ebook
Kyle Straker volunteered to be hypnotized at the annual community talent show, expecting the same old lame amateur acts. But when he wakes up, his world will never be the same.
Televisions and computers no longer work, but a strange language streams across their screens. Everyone's behaving oddly. It's as if Kyle doesn't exit. Is this nightmare a result of the hypnosis? Will Kyle wake up with a snap of fingers to roars of laughter? Or is this something much more sinister?
Narrated on a set of found cassette tapes at an unspecified point in the future, Human.4 is an absolutely chilling look at technology gone too far.
Mike A. Lancaster
Mike A. Lancaster’s love of science fiction was first forged at an early age by reading Gulliver’s Travels, The War of the Worlds, and Journey to the Center of the Earth, and watching Gerry Anderson shows, Doctor Who, Quatermass movies, and Star Trek. His previous novels, dotwav, Human.4, and The Future We Left Behind, introduced a chilling techno-world where we only think we’re in control. He lives with his wife, children, and a menagerie of pets in Peterborough, England.
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Reviews for Human.4
140 ratings19 reviews
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Strange but interesting book.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5This book (Human.4 / 0.4)popped up as recommended one day so I thought 'why not'.
It was an interesting book, written in a different style to what I am used to... but if anything that made the book better. It was easy to read and I enjoyed the story.
I have recently purchased the second book by Mike Lancaster 1.4 - Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I guess the premise is new, but it just wasn't that great. Several times I wanted to use my red pen... but I got it from the library, so no.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Very well done! I received a copy of the sequel for review and so read this one in preparation. Wow! What an original idea for a dystopian novel!
I'm finding it hard to write a review that won't give anything away. I don't want to spoil anything so pardon me if I keep things a little bit vague.
This book is written in the form of a written transcript of recordings made by Kyle Straker. A teenager living in what I presume to be current day (or close enough). An event occurs leaving only Kyle and 3 other people normal while the rest of his town is somehow changed. More than that I won't say. Kyle and his 3 companions try to figure out what the heck is going on and why it's happening.
The pacing in this book is fantastic. The author does a fantastic job of giving you just enough that your satisfied but you still want more. There are surprise twists and some danger and even a hint of romance though that is not the focus of this book.
At the end, all I could think was wow! I keep comparing this to The Matrix in my mind. It's one of those mind-blowing ideas that makes you stop and think.
Recommended for fans of dystopia and light YA sci-fi. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This is one of those read-ion-one-sitting books. It is short and somewhat chilling, with an interesting storyline and outlook. Because it is written in first person, narrated to a tape deck, the writing style is not precisely smooth and flawless, but does have a certain authenticity, which is also reflected in the sans serif font and short chapters. An engrossing read.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/50.4 (or Human.4 in the United States) by Mike Lancaster, is a middle grade science fiction horror in the tradition of John Wyndam and John Christopher. This is a debut novel that I hope is taught in schools in the near future.Through transcripts of audio tapes with commentary from some future perspective, Kyle Straker outlines how his life and the lives of three other villagers were forever changed. They were volunteers for a talent show hypnotism trick. When they came out of their trance, everyone else had changed.The how and the why of the change is the rest of the book. It's frightening and eye opening. Though a short book, Lancaster uses his words efficiently and effectively.Often it seems that books like this where people are taken over or there's an invasion or a mass disappearance, the reason behind the change is never revealed. 0.4 breaks with that tradition. Kyle and the others do learn the reason behind the change.The book is a short, it's a compelling read. Though 0.4 lacks anything in the way of violence or crude language, it does share some thematic ties with the much longer and adult oriented Robopacalypse (review coming). If you enjoyed Wilson's novel and are looking for a light but similar read, give 0.4 a go.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Review courtesy of Dark Faerie TalesQuick & Dirty: A science fiction thriller that brings you on an adventure so out-of-this world, you will question what is reality and what is not.Opening Sentence: When Danny Birnie told us that he had hypnotized his sister we all thought he was mad.The Review:Human .4 by Mike A. Lancaster is a science fiction story that I will not forget. While I’ve read many in the same genre, there is something about Human.4 that stands out. It may be the suspenseful scenes, or even the wonderful writing by Lancaster. Either way, I’m glad that I had a chance to read this, and hope that I won’t be having any nightmares now. *looks around*Human.4 are a retelling of events that happened one summer. The story consists of transcripts of recorded sessions by Kyle Straker. On a summer vacation, Kyle, his best friend Simon, Simon’s girlfriend Lily, and their friend Danny were hanging out like young teens do. A tale of a successful hypnotizing sparked an idea to repeat the act during a talent show. But the results left me on the edge of my seat, filled with suspense and so much thrill, that I couldn’t believe someone had imagined the story.Human.4 takes place in a futuristic alternate universe taking events from the past, all revealed by the contents of the tapes. I would say that a good portion of the events are flashbacks, and in true science fiction form, I, as the reader, questioned what was allowed in this world. Lancaster allows for the reader to be provoked through different emotions, thoughts, and actions, each defined not only by the main character, but the supporting characters themselves.Kyle was a forward thinker, strong minded and clear of where he wanted to go and definitely sure of who he was as a person. At times, I would have classified it as reckless, but others? Well, he was brave and not lacking gumption, that’s for sure. Lancaster wrote him very clearly, never allowing for the reader to question why he did something at any given moment. As Kyle retells the events of the summer to us, and as I read about Kyle, I slowly became obsessed with what came next.Lancaster’s world in Human.4 was confined within one room, yet so expansive within the confessional tapes. It was interesting to be brought back to each moment, but yet suddenly reawaken to the reality that this was all told and recorded on tape. Actions occur in the present, but told in the past. Unfamiliarity of the unknown raises questions, but each event felt familiar. Lancaster keeps you on the edge of your seat, and sometimes you, as a reader, will wonder where you just went and where you came from.Suspense, science fiction, thriller. These are all good adjectives to describe Lancaster’s Human.4. I believe there is something for everyone in this book, and I for one cannot wait to read the next one. The narrative direction was clear and enjoyable, and on a personal level, it was just fun. It was easy to lose myself in this story and I was glad to lose sleep just to finish it. I highly urge you to read this, and then the next.Notable Scene:The relief in her voice was obvious.I felt a harsh twinge of jealousy. yeah, I know, not exactly an honorable reaction, and I’m not proud.“If he’s alive, there’s hope,” I offered, and Lilly’s face brightened.“But how do we wake them up?” she asked. “We were the ones who were supposed to be hypnotized. Did it go wrong? Did Danny hypnotize everyone else? Even himself?”I was going to attempt an answer, when my train of thought was interrupted by a loud wailing sound behind us.FTC Advisory: EgmontUSA provided me with a copy of Human .4. No goody bags, sponsorships, “material connections,” or bribes were exchanged for my review.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5'They're gone,' he said. 'Changed. All of them. You hear me? I... I SEE THEM!' His words sent a physical chill down my spine.'See what?' I demanded. 'What can you see?'This is one of those unassuming books that actually far exceeded my expectations. Rather overlooked in the current wave of YA paranormal and dystopian fiction, this is the kind of novel that can be enjoyed by the full sweep of the YA target audience, and is a proper little page-turner to boot.The whole novel is centred around the mysterious event which takes place - unlikely though it may seem - during the local talent show in the little English village of Millgrove. As part of the show, Kyle and Lilly, along with two adults, Mr Peterson and Mrs O'Donnell, agree to get up on stage and be hypnotised by their madcap friend Danny. To their horror, when they 'awaken' a few minutes later, everyone in the village is frozen in place where they sit, shocked expressions on their faces. When they begin to move again, it's clear that something has changed. Now these four must try to work out what happened - and why - before it's too late...Lancaster has been especially clever in that the structure of the novel, and even the paper-book format, tie in intrinsically with the plot. The chapters are written in a normal narrative style, but are divided into tape sides - this is supposed to be a kind of transcript of the testimony of Kyle Straker, which has been recorded onto old audio tapes and discovered later. Lancaster takes on the role of 'editor' and there are occasional futuristic notes inserted into the text to explain popular culture references and some of our more unusual idioms.I found it a quick but hard-hitting read, with some deliciously creepy moments along the way, fusing the quiet menace of The Invasion of the Body Snatchers with the thought-provoking ideas of The Matrix into one exciting premise. The pithy, amusing and occasionally revelatory text notes are a nice touch. Between the testimony and the 'editorial input', everything starts to come together, but until the big reveal I still wasn't quite sure what had happened! One for boys AND girls to enjoy, and I'd say it was suitable for younger YA readers as well, though they might not pick up on some of the references and humour that an older reader would. Recommended!
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5When Danny Birnie told us that he had hypnotised his sister we all thought he was mad.Or lying.Or both.These are the words that begin the oral narrative of Kyle Straker, a fifteen-year old boy living in a small town in England. Recorded on three audiotapes, Kyle recounts his experiences about the day that everything and everyone around him changed. Humanity will never be the same.Lancaster's novel is a brilliant piece of sci-fi for a YA audience. The audiotapes that Kyle has recorded are being mediated by an editor "Mike A. Lancaster," whom we deduce is writing his introductions and notes at some point in the future. The tale is creepy, fascinating, and there are hints of humour that slip through occasionally. At first the novel feels like a sci-fi tale we've all seen before, but Lancaster turns it on its head and creates a fascinating strange new world that is intriguing and also mildly horrifying. A wonderful bit of sci-fi that will have you looking closer at the things you think you see out of the corner of your eye.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I enjoyed this book. It was a super fast read (I finished it in a couple of hours) because I couldn't put it down. Near the end of the book I was really worried that there wasn't anyway everything was going to be wrapped up in time -- but somehow Lancaster managed it. I don't think this is a series, but even if it is, I was completely satisfied by the ending (unlike some other books I've read recently). I thought that the story was both interesting and fit well with the short format of the book (again, unlike some other dystopian books I've read recently). The characters grew, which I found fascinating in the short span of the novel. One of the things I liked best were the little editorials that were sprinkled throughout the book and the concept of the book itself as a format instead of just what we're reading. I hope Lancaster writes more and experiments with format as he did in this novel.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book was simply amazing. I loved the story and the way that it was written. I loved the premise and the way that it was presented to the reader. It's just brilliant. I read it in two hours, so it is definitely a quick read...maybe something for a train or car ride. I think teenagers and adults, alike, will enjoy it.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Teenager, Kyle Straker’s friend needed volunteers to be hypnotized at the annual community talent show. So school mates Kyle and Lilly put up their hands, expecting the same old lame amateur act as usual. But when they wake up, everything has changes. Televisions and computers no longer work, everyone around them is behaving oddly. It’s as if the two teens on longer exist. Is this terrifying new life a result of the hypnosis? Or is it something more horrendous than they can imagine.The narrative is in the form of transcripted audio tapes punctuated by editor's notes, a style which I really enjoyed. I story is very easy to read and comprehend and was completely addictive. A fabulous read for younger Sci-fi readers who are just breaking into the genre.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Danny hypnotises Mrs O'Donnell, Mr Peterson,Kyle and Lilly, at the local talent show. When they wake up, Danny isn't moving, nor is the entire audience...they are just staring, not responding at all. In fact no one is moving...flies still buzzed around, birds still flew and the breeze still wafted by. No one else in the town was moving either. 4.0 is the tape recorded story of what happened to Kyle and his town that day and is obviously being listened to by someone in the future. A really, really great story concept and an easy read for teens to adults.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5HUMAN.4, by Mike A. Lancaster, is a thrilling documentary-style story about a teen and three others in his village whose lives are turned upside down after being under hypnosis. Lancaster created a story will linger in your mind long after Kyle's tapes have stopped. I was absolutely blown away by this book and I clung to each word. I loved the structure of the book. It was a transcription of the tapes that Kyle recorded in the hopes of those listening would remember the few 0.4's left. I liked the little notes that the transcriber made in regards to phrases and words that were no longer relevant in the current world. Lancaster's hypnotized characters were very special to me by the end. I felt like I was one of them in the fight to understand what the heck happened when they were hypnotized. The world they woke up to was definitely scary, which strengthened my connection with them. And even though it was such a small part, I am still a girl and I wanted Kyle and Lilly to kiss and make up. Their relationship was rocky from a previous indiscretion and what better time to make up for it when it seems you are the only two normal teens left!I won't ruin the plot but for those who love science fiction, this book is definitely for you. Lancaster kept me in suspense until the very end and I was anxious to know what would happen to his characters who were left behind and seemingly unnoticed. *Cover Note* Loved the cover. Definitely a significance in the book which steps up the creepy factor.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Wow. This book kind of freaked me out. It was one of those where, after I finished it, I needed to sit and absorb what happened in the story. And then read something light and cheerful to rid myself of the lingering creepy feeling.Oh, it starts out unassuming enough. Kyle’s a regular guy with some regular friends in an average little town whose major form of entertainment is a talent show on the village green. Then he gets hypnotized, wakes up and everything’s different. Everyone’s different. Except for him and the three people who were on stage with him. Very pod people, in its own, unusual way.The first (and only) time I saw the movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers (the 1978 version with Donald Southerland), I couldn’t get it out of my head, I was so creeped out. HUMAN.4 affected me in the same way. What would I do if the whole world changed? Would I want to be one of the masses or would I fight to remain the person I am? When Kyle and the survivors are given that same choice, I wondered what I would do if I were in their position.Back to Kyle. I liked how he was an average guy put in a very atypical position. He handles it admirably (after a couple freak outs), especially considering his entire world has gone wonky and is completely unfixable. His interactions with the other three “survivors” is realistic and well written, as they struggle to figure out what happened and how they’re going to deal with it. Poor Kyle—think of how you would feel if you saw your dorky little brother suddenly sprout filaments out of his hands or your friend light up a room using his own bioluminescence.The whole book is written as if it were transcribed from tapes Kyle made describing the days right after people changed. The scientists, who have no first-hand knowledge of the world before the “incident”, do their best to analyze Kyle’s words through editorial notes. There are also notes containing definitions of words no longer in use. One of my favorite examples is when they try to explain Kyle’s reference to Teletubbies, which one scholar is sure is a collection of gods or goddesses almost exclusively worshipped by children.Unputdownable, HUMAN.4 will haunt you long after you finish it.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Pros: old style SF feel, VERY fast read, quick paced, suspensefulCons: leaves you wanting moreFor Parents: no content, a great SF primer for newcomers0.4 (Human.4 in the U.S.) is a book written in the style of classic science fiction writers like H.G. Wells and John Wyndham in that there's a narrator explaining strange events that have already occurred. In this case, the narrator is Kyle Straker, a teenager whose 3 audio tape recordings have been found and heavily analyzed by historians of the future. This written transcript (the book itself) is edited by Mike A. Lancaster.Kyle has a fantastic story to tell. At the annual talent show on the village green he agrees to be a test subject of a friend's attempts at hypnotism. When he wakes up from the trance a few minutes later the world has changed.The novel is best read knowing as little as possible about it. It reads very much like a Twilight Zone episode, the pleasure coming both from the suspense and in trying to guess what's going on. And the editor's asides about 20th Century phrases and cultural norms are quite interesting. Aside from the cassette tapes (the use of which is explained within the text) the technology mentioned is modern.This is a fun, quick read with TV style pacing and a story that will keep you guessing about what's really going on. If you're trying to introduce a young reader to science fiction, this makes the perfect primer.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5If true this record will change not only the way we think about ourselves and the world around us, but it will change our history, our future and what it means to be human.Two years ago tapes were discovered; an ancient technology that carried a story of the past, of events so shocking that if true would change everything. Known as the Kyle Straker tapes these were transcribed into an equally out of date information storage device known as books, the reason for this becomes clear as you learn this tale.The only reason Kyle put his hand up was to allow his friend to save face as all alone on stage in front of the whole village Danny waited for volunteers. It was a bit embarrassing but what was the worse that could happen, it wasn't as if Danny had any really ability to succeed. But as Kyle and the three other volunteers on stage opened their eyes it was to the most disturbing sight they had ever seen. The world had changed, no, not the world, just everyone in it.0.4 percent of people in the small village of Millgrove have remained unaffected, 0.4 percent of people in the world are unchanged, or so they thought, but what if there were a more sinister meaning to the label 0.4? Part mystery and part thriller, this is science fiction at its very best. Both thought provoking and provocative, it is a story that will challenge all that you believe and leave you haunted with the possibilities. I literally could not put it down, an extraordinary read.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Interesting young adult novel. Set in the future and involves the publication of some voice tapes that show what has happened to humanity - quite chilling in places and definitely makes you question 'what is real'? I really enjoyed the 'editor's' asides - eg. in trying to explain what 'Teletubbies' were the editor quotes research which indicates they were "gods or goddesses exclusively worshipped by children".
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Wow, this is a very different approach to sci-fi. It is a book you can read quite quickly, after finishing it I had the feeling I just read a short story - it is fast paced and reads ever so well. It is not high literature, but hey, it is hugely enjoyable and that is just as good.The story is a transcript of some tapes which had been found long after they have been recorded by a person named Kyle Straker. On the tapes Kyle talks about the happenings of the past few days in his village, starting with the annual village variety show, where an amateur hypnotist puts four people in a trance. When they awake nothing is as it was before. Their friends and family seem to be taken over by something or somebody....Bit by bit we learn about the changes and keep guessing with the narrator as what has actually happened. And when we finally know .... absolutely fantastic concept. I have not read anything like this before. I just hope that the promised sequel will deliver the same interesting and fresh ideas!
Book preview
Human.4 - Mike A. Lancaster
When Danny Birnie told us that he had hypnotized his sister we all thought he was mad.
Or lying.
Or both.
The sister in question is a couple of years older than him and never struck me as the kind of girl who’d fall for any of Danny’s nonsense.
She had to be used to it.
She lived with him.
So she had seen through his short-lived preoccupations with stamp collecting, and through the difficult withdrawal from his Pokémon addiction. She was even used to his new obsession with becoming the next David Blaine, and the hours he spent practicing with packs of cards.
She always struck me as the kind of girl who’s going to be a star. Some people are just like that. You know that they will, as my granddad used to say, land butter-side up.
There was no way that Danny—who, no matter how hard he tried, would always end up butter-side down—could have done what he had told us he had.
Danny’s face was pale and thin, with dark semicircles under each eye, and his hair was a dirty-brown color, tousled on top. He was small for his age. Heck, it was my age too—and that’s fifteen and a half, thanks for asking—and I was almost a full head taller than him. And he seemed to exaggerate that smallness by hunching his shoulders and bending his back.
You should have seen it,
he said, his eyes sparkling with excitement. "It actually worked. I mean, I knew it could work, but still, I didn’t really think it would."
He ignored our disbelieving looks.
"I got her to relax. And I guided her into a hypnotic state. I didn’t even need to say ‘sleep’ like they do on the telly. As I relaxed her, her eyes closed and her body went … sort of floppy. I hadn’t even thought about what I’d get her to do when she was hypnotized, to be honest. So I told her that she was late for school—it was well past eight in the evening—and suddenly she flew into a panic, running around, throwing stuff into her school bag, and complaining about the alarm clock not waking her up."
He shook his head.
It was priceless,
he said.
He waited for one of us to say something.
And waited.
There was just me, Simon McCormack, Lilly Dartington, and Danny. We all lived down the same road in the small village of Millgrove, and we’re all roughly the same age, so we tended to hang out together.
We were in the shed,
the bus shelter that squats by the side of the village green, and it was one of those long, hazy summer days that seem to stretch out into something closer to a week. To local kids, the shed was a place to meet up, hang out, practice some inept graffiti, and generally waste some time.
Across the green from the shed was the Methodist church, and next to that the combined infants and junior school that we all went to before moving to secondary school in the next village over, Crowley.
NOTE—the Methodist Church
A church was a building for the safe containment of primitive religious rites.
There was not a whole lot to do in Millgrove.
We couldn’t get high-speed broadband yet and we were in the middle of a mobile-phone dead spot, which meant you couldn’t get a signal within the village itself. We were one of the last generations in the country who didn’t rely on mobile phones, although there were rumors that a new mast was going to help us catch up to the rest of the twenty-first century one day soon.
There was a tiny playing field where the older kids tried out smoking and train for future binge drinking, so we tended to avoid that. Then there were the three shops—a Happy Shopper, a family butcher shop, and a newsagent.
NOTE—Happy Shopper
A retail outlet whose name demonstrates the period’s love of oxymorons—phrases that contain contradictory terms. Other examples are: civil war,
reality TV,
constant change,
military intelligence,
and friendly fire.
The shed was pretty much in the center of the village, near enough to the shops in case we needed supplies, and it had a roof in case of English summer rain.
Simon and I had been friends for years. In all honesty I can’t even remember how our friendship came about. Sure, we had a lot of the same interests and attitudes about things, but all that came later … I mean, it was revealed over time, so there must just be some … I don’t know … instinct for friendship that’s separate, somehow, from all of that.
Without the friendship, we’d never have discovered the reason we were friends.
You can drive yourself mad going round in paradoxical circles like that.
Simon and Lilly had been going out with each other for a while now, and seeing as Simon was my best friend, I got pulled along with them a lot these days. It was weird getting used to sharing a friend … and … well, Lilly and I weren’t getting on that well if the truth be told.
Danny lived next door to me and kind of just clings on to my coattails. Again, I don’t know exactly why. Simon and I made him the butt of a lot of jokes but he just shrugged it all off.
That day we were just trying to fill up the day while using as little energy as we could.
And then, of course, Danny told us that he had hypnotized his sister.
Simon stared at him with a disbelieving look that summed up how the rest of us felt about Danny’s revelation.
You hypnotized Annette?
he said, and the spare disbelief he hadn’t managed to put into his stare was crammed into the scathing way he said those three words. There was even a snort at the end of it.
Danny seemed to miss the incredulity and nodded.
I’ve been reading a lot of books on the subject,
Danny said, and I’ve been watching lots of Paul McKenna and Derren Brown on DVD. With the talent show coming up I thought I might ditch the magic act this year and do a bit of stage hypnotism. You know, make people bark like dogs, or eat an onion as if it’s an apple.
Simon groaned.
Of all of the area’s customs and traditions, the Millgrove talent show was by far the oddest. Every summer since Queen Victoria was sitting on the British throne—with a two-year gap during the Second World War—the people of Millgrove had gathered on the green to compete in the competition. Even when local lads were dying in the trenches in the First World War, the tradition continued.
Local folklore says the talent show began because of a dispute between two farmers, who’d fallen out over a woman and needed some way to settle the matter. Rather than firing pistols at each other, they each wrote a song for the girl and performed it on the green in front of the entire village, who were the judges of the competition. The village might have forgotten the men’s names, but a version of their way of settling the argument was resurrected over a hundred years ago and still continued.
The talent show.
Weeks, even months in some extreme cases, were spent preparing acts (and I’m using that term loosely, most of them were lame karaoke offerings to amateur-sounding backing tracks) for the grand prize—a battered old cup and some WHSmith gift tokens. As long as it was a slow news week, there was a chance of a feature about the show in the Cambridge Evening News, with the winners grinning at the camera, holding their prizes.
Who was it who said something about everyone having their fifteen minutes of fame?
In Millgrove it was more like fifteen seconds.
To me the talent show had always been a bit of a cringe, really. When I was eight years old, my dad told that me that, as I was always cracking jokes and making people laugh, I should have a go at being a stand-up comedian at the show.
NOTE—Cracking Jokes
Humor was, according to Andrea Quirtell, an important coping mechanism for the horrors of the age. Some people actually counted comedian
(or joke teller
) as their trade.
Quirtell identifies a number of different types of joke. There are: puns
(which confuse the meanings of words for humorous intent), jokes that work only when written, jokes that appear in the form of a question, jokes that rely on bizarre or ambiguous language.
Immanuel Kant believed that people laughed at constructions like these because (L)aughter is an effect that arises if a tense expectation is transformed into nothing.
Quirtell disagrees. Laughter is an effect that arises if a race refuses to grow up,
she writes.
All in all they were the most embarrassing minutes of my life so far, even beating the moments Mum spent getting out the baby photographs the first time I brought a girlfriend (Katy Wallace, it lasted three weeks) home to meet the folks.
I discovered that there is a huge difference between knowing a few jokes and being a stand-up comic. I don’t think I got a single gag right. I fluffed a punch line early on and then made a mistake in the setup of the next joke that made its punch line irrelevant. Sweating on the makeshift stage, with hundreds of faces staring at me, I dried up and just looked out at them in the grip of a huge panic attack.
I haven’t entered the talent show since.
I rarely dragged myself along for it, if I’m honest. I always seemed to find something else to do. Like pairing socks, or cataloging my comics.
You know, important stuff.
"You will come and watch? Danny asked, and there was a note of something close to desperation in his voice.
You will, won’t you?"
Well, I wouldn’t miss it for the world,
Lilly said, finally dragging her gaze away from the area of Simon’s neck it had been focused on for most of Danny’s I’m a hypnotist
revelation.
I nodded.
A part of me even wanted to see Danny do well. To knock ’em dead. Become the talk of the village. Maybe even get his picture in the Cambridge Evening News.
But there was another part of me—and I’m not proud of this—that actually wanted to see him fail.
Miserably, horribly, and painfully.
It would be like exorcising a ghost.
It would be like therapy.
Sure,
I said, I’ll be there.
Lilly looked at me oddly, and a strange expression passed across her face, like a cloud across the sun. I had a sudden sense of discomfort, as if Lilly had seen—or maybe felt—something that I should have seen or felt but didn’t.
I raised an eyebrow to query it, but Lilly looked away, leaving me feeling foolish and confused.
Foolish, confused, and something else.
A dark sense of foreboding, as if a storm were brewing.
That night—one of the last nights of my ordinary life—I mentioned Danny’s intentions to my parents over the dinner table.
Good on him,
my dad said around a mouthful of vegetarian stew. We haven’t had a hypnotist before.
NOTE—Vegetarian Stew
Apparently vegetarian
was still a dietary choice in Straker’s day, rather than a social responsibility. See Chadwick’s informative history: What Didn’t They Eat? Flesh as Food.
Of course we haven’t, I thought. Who, apart from someone as mad as Danny, would suddenly decide they were going to become one?
It should make a nice change,
he continued, looking at something on his fork with suspicion. A lump of beef-style Quorn stared back at him. It’s going to be great this year.
Yeah, great, I thought.
I could already pencil in a few of the high spots.
Mr. Bodean and his trombone.
Those creepy Kintner twins and their version of Old Shep
that I’m sure was used in Guantánamo Bay to get Al Qaeda terrorists to talk.
Mr. Peterson, the village postman, and his annual ventriloquism act with a hideous homemade dummy called Mr. Peebles.
A whole bunch of hyperactive kids doing bad impersonations of Britney or Kylie or—shudder—Coldplay.
NOTE—Coldplay
O’Brien makes a persuasive case for defining Coldplay
as referring to a kind of dramatic or musical presentation characterized by being utterly bereft of any signs of genuine emotion.
A recorder recital.
Some truly mind-numbing dance routines.
I shook my head.
Poor Danny.
Are you going to be doing a turn this year?
my mum suddenly asked me. She actually wasn’t joking, although it could easily be mistaken for some kind of sick humor.
I felt the