Tabula Rasa
3.5/5
()
About this ebook
The Bourne Identity meets Divergent in this action-packed debut thriller with a Katniss-esque heroine fighting to regain her memories and stay alive, set against a dystopian hospital background.
Sarah finds herself in a battle for her life within the walls of her hospital-turned-prison. A procedure to eliminate her memory goes awry, and she starts to remember snatches of her past. Was she an urban terrorist or vigilante? Has the procedure been her salvation or her destruction? The answers lie trapped within her mind. To access them, she'll need the help of the teen computer hacker who's trying to bring the hospital down for his own reasons, and she'll need to evade an army of mercenary soldiers poised to eliminate her for good. If only she knew why . . .
Kristen Lippert-Martin
As a kid, Kristen Lippert-Martin would (mentally) rewrite the endings to TV shows and books when she didn’t like how they came out. In time, writing went from being a way to daydream to being a secret passion. It wasn’t until she became an adult that it transformed into a necessity. She likes to write stories about people who are secretly awesome and just need to find the right circumstances—often difficult—to discover themselves. She lives in Arlington, Virginia, with her obviously awesome family. Tabula Rasa is her first novel. Visit her at www.kristenlippertmartin.com or on Twitter @KLipMart.
Related to Tabula Rasa
YA Science Fiction For You
Uglies Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Pretties Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Giver Quartet Omnibus Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Toll Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A Wizard of Earthsea Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Giver: A Newbery Award Winner Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Thunderhead Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Gleanings: Stories from the Arc of a Scythe Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Hate U Give: A Printz Honor Winner Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Unwind Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Cinder: Book One of the Lunar Chronicles Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Cress Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Renegades Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Monster: A Printz Award Winner Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Restore Me Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Scarlet Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Hollow City: The Second Novel of Miss Peregrine's Peculiar Children Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Do-Over Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Shadow Me Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Firstlife Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5UnStrung: An Unwind Story Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Library of Souls: The Third Novel of Miss Peregrine's Peculiar Children Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Defy Me Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5UnWholly Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Serpent & Dove Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Reveal Me Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Program Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Imagine Me Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Last Magician Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Related categories
Reviews for Tabula Rasa
47 ratings12 reviews
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I love the front cover of this book and while I enjoyed the story, there was nothing new about it. Even though it was full of action with a strong female protagonist, which was great, the majority of the book seemed to go nowhere. However, I did like Thomas. Not only was he a highly intelligent geek, he also had a sense of humour which made me smile, but the romance between he and Sarah didn't work. They acted more like friends than 'lovers'. As for the ending, that was anticlimactic as the "baddie" spent pages revealing all the secrets. While not a favourite, "Tabula Rasa" was a solid debut.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5When Sarah is undergoing a process to destroy her memory, the power goes off and someone shoves three pills into her hand along with a cryptic note to take the pills exactly 24 hours apart. Unable to remember who she is, or why she is here, she takes one of the pills. Hours later, the hospital complex is overrun with mercenaries who are looking for her. Escaping into the snow, she meets up with a computer hacker, one who is working to steal the hospitals secrets.Overall, this was an interesting concept and the characters were fascinating. I particularly enjoyed learning about the facility as the story unraveled. I think teenagers will highly enjoy this book. I look forward to reading more from this author.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Excellent YA book. I really think the adventure and suspense of this character "Angel" will keep teens turning pages. I also think the kissing and emotional views of the main protagonists is perfect for that age group. Nothing inappropriate and excellent plot and storyline. I love how her memories are addressed in this novel. Adults are going to find some unbelievability, where some things were out of check with reality in order to keep the suspense going. For example, when Thomas gets a deep cut, he gets a fever and becomes septic within hours, not days. Overall librarians, I would buy this book.
- Rating: 1 out of 5 stars1/5Another book where I was really excited to read it. It was promoted as being the Bourne Identity meets Divergent. Which got my attention. The book started out ok. Yet it was not OMG like action. I was hoping for this and even when I put the book down after about 3 chapters, I was still hoping for this. I gave the book a second chance but was not feeling the characters and there was not a lot of action happening after the first big scene. I then tried to speed the story along some by skimming it for a bit but finally gave up. You can't promote a book like this unless you are going to live up to the standards. Plus, after reading another readers thoughts on the book, I am glad I did not read any further.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5would like to thank NetGalley & Edmont USA for granting me a copy of this e-ARC to read in exchange for an honest review. Though I received this e-book for free that in no way impacts my review.Goodreads Blurb:"The Bourne Identity meets Divergent in this heart-pounding debut.Sixteen-year-old Sarah has a rare chance at a new life. Or so the doctors tell her. She’s been undergoing a cutting-edge procedure that will render her a tabula rasa—a blank slate. Memory by memory her troubled past is being taken away.But when her final surgery is interrupted and a team of elite soldiers invades the isolated hospital under cover of a massive blizzard, her fresh start could be her end. Navigating familiar halls that have become a dangerous maze with the help of a teen computer hacker who's trying to bring the hospital down for his own reasons, Sarah starts to piece together who she is and why someone would want her erased. And she won't be silenced again. A high-stakes thriller featuring a non-stop race for survival and a smart heroine who will risk everything, Tabula Rasa is, in short, unforgettable."This story has as many twists and turns as a corkscrew roller coaster, all needing to be navigated to a plucky heroine, and a computer hacker hiding a heart of gold underneath his gruff exterior. From the very beginning Sarah doesn't know why she's having this procedure done, she only knows what they've told her - that she has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). She doesn't even know who she is. She must have at one point, but she doesn't recall anything now; she simply assumes that the prior treatments have caused this loss of herself.Sarah is drifting in a sea of nothingness when the book opens, and as she ever so slowly begins to eke her way back to something, maybe it's reality, or maybe just a hallucination brought on by the medications or surgeries. But as she prepares for the final surgery, the one that will give her a brand new start, we learn what little there is to know about Sarah from her directly. Unfortunately she doesn't know very much at all, not even her own last name. On the verge of beginning the last operation things begin strangely, and then get downright crazy, fast. Not longer after the operation is interrupted to the point of everyone basically abandoning Sarah in the procedure room, we meet the fabled hacker. And from that point on the action is almost non-stop. The soldiers, the 'hospital staff,' and everyone else in the area are all after Sarah, the hacker, or both.The emotional tension and intentional confusion contained in this book make for very entertaining reading. Almost all the major players provide a wide array of emotional issues and varying maturity levels. Some are natural and normal, others a product of the tender mercies of the hospital, yet they all blend together to create an original story that puts some interesting ideas out there. Some of these ideas aren't necessarily new, but I've certainly never seen these particular concepts combined like this, which is what makes for such an enjoyable read. It doesn't hurt that ideas like those we encounter in this book are easy to imagine happening in the near future, if not now. This concepts within book don't require much suspension of disbelief on the part of the reader, demonstrating Ms. Lippert-Martin's wonderful touch of subtlety. With entertaining characters and well kept pacing throughout the entire story makes this book one enjoyable read, from cover to cover.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Review courtesy of Dark Faerie TalesQuick & Dirty: Intense story full of action and an intriguing plot. The writing felt a little choppy at times which made me feel a slight disconnect with the story, but overall it was a good read.Opening Sentence: She points to the chair.The Review:Sarah is getting a new shot at life. She has been a part of an experimental procedure where all of her memories are wiped clean. Once the procedure is complete she will no longer remember anything from her troubled past. Sarah has already been through multiple surgeries and there is just one left for her to be deemed a tabula rasa, or a blank slate. But right before her final procedure a group of elite soldiers invade the hospital, and they are looking for her. Instead of starting over like she planned, she is running for her life in a deserted hospital that is in the middle of nowhere.Sarah quickly realizes that there was a reason her memories were being erased and if she doesn’t gain back what she lost she may not survive for much longer. With the help of a very cute but infuriating computer hacker, Sarah fights to stay alive and figure out what was so important that she had to forget everything about her past life!Sarah was a great heroine, but I had a hard time making a good initial connection with her. The way the story was written, Sarah has very few memories of her past. As the story progressed you got to see glimpses into who she use to be. While I really liked this style of writing it made it difficult to connect with Sarah at times. By the end of the story, I actually loved her, but for the first half of the book I didn’t really understand her which made it hard for me to establish a great connection with Sarah. She is a strong character that had many wonderful qualities that I really liked. She is smart, resourceful, witty, and has a great sense of humor. While I didn’t love everything about her, I did end up really liking her.Thinking about Thomas just makes me smile. He is a super smart good looking guy, but he was also really awkward at times which just made me love him more. When I first met him, I wasn’t quite sure what to think about him but as his story unfolds you start to see how amazing he is. He hasn’t always made the best decisions in his life, but overall he is a good person. The romance between him and Sarah was adorable and I thought they made a very cute couple.Tabula Rasa is a very interesting story filled with adventure, suspense, and romance. At times I did get a little confused, especially at the beginning of the story, but everything made sense by the end. Also, the pacing wasn’t perfect, there were times it really dragged and other times it seemed rushed. I also felt like the writing was a little choppy. I don’t know if this is just due to lack of poor editing or if it was meant to feel more like that. Personally, I wasn’t a big fan of it because it distracted me from the story at times. With that all being said, this was still a very good read. I really liked the characters and the plot was very intriguing. I just think it could have been revised more and it would have been a lot better. While I didn’t love everything about this book, I would still recommend this to anyone that is looking for an action-packed story with lots of suspense!Notable Scene:And look at that! A sleek black helicopter is landing outside. The rotors come to a quick stop and fold up like some kind of mechanical insect. The windows shake once again as the helicopter that was hovering over the roof descends. It moves slowly, following the contour of the building like it’s prowling for something, looking into all the windows.The next image that comes up on the monitor is startling and eerie: a small group of people rushing somewhere, frantically falling over each other as they run. That’s when I notice the familiar pattern of marble titles on the floor: It’s a mosaic of the rising sun. That’s the main lobby.I go to the window and look through the blinds. The helicopter is now twenty yards away, a couple floors up. It begins to move off, and I think it’s leaving, but then the nose turns toward the building. Seconds later, there are three quick blasts of fire, followed by a whistling sound.I’m able to think the word rockets just as they hit. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.FTC Advisory: EgmontUSA provided me with a copy of Tabula Rasa. No goody bags, sponsorships, “material connections,” or bribes were exchanged for my review.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5Actual Rating: 1.5/5 stars
This doesn't make any sense, sorry. At first, I was like waiting for something to happen but it dragged way too long. As I read further, my mind just got more confused than ever. And when things got slightly interesting, emphasis on slightly, I found out that I didn't care anymore.
"I love you." Wait what? Where did that come from? The romance is way too hurried. It didn't work out for me.
I don't know if I want to recommend this. This will probably appeal to some people. This review is not complete yet. More to come ^_^
**ARC received from publisher via Edelweiss in exchange of an honest review. - Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Sarah, an inmate in a secure hospital, has no past that she can remember. Doctors have been working with her to extract her memories, so she truly doesn't know why she's here or what she's done. When soldiers attack on a stormy night, apparently after her, she escapes with some help from an unknown friend, who leaves her pills to take every 24 hours that start returning her memories.The book starts out interesting, but unfortunately doesn't hold up to its potential. The idea of a dystopia with a character who has no memory was intriguing to me; however, its plot is thin and cliche-ridden. As a reader, I was at the mercy of Sarah's memories returning at just the right moment or Pierce - the hacker she meets and befriends - finding information about the hospital/compound, again at just the right moment. I did like the fact that the boy (and, of course, potential love interest) was a hacker and cute. Otherwise, it didn't really stand out in the crowd of all the YA dystopias available now.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Tabula Rasa is one of those books where you stay up late reading because you just have to know what happens next. This book was a solid four star read up until (SPOILERS) the scene where the main villain summarized the plot so far and explains why she's the villain and how she's going to win right before the heroes rescue them in a move that would make Greek playwrights roll their eyes. It was so cliche and painful it makes me write run on rambling sentences. Everything that the story had been building to was absolutely destroyed in that scene.I think Tabula Rasa will be good for middle-school aged students who may need the scene I described above, but high schoolers and older will be left disappointed.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I would consider this novel to be science fiction. Tabula rasa means “blank slate.”Sarah is having her memories taken away. She has metal places on her head where needles can go into her brain and remove selected memories in order to become a blank slate, a new person with new opportunities. Strapped into the chair where the procedure is performed, the lights go out. Someone slips inside and puts something in her hand. Upon returning to her room, she finds a note and pills in her possession. The note says to take a pill and be still. The pill brings back her memories. In the midst of this memory renewal, mercenaries attack the hospital. They are looking to kill someone, and it happens to be Sarah.Sarah follows her instincts and tries to leave this lock-down facility. She checks on her fellow patients and then attempts to leave. She finds a boy who has broken in and they team up. He takes her off-premises to his yurt. He figures out that Sarah is famous; she’s known an Angel. He also figures out that she has to get more pills, so they’ll have to break back in. The rest of the novel is the attempt to get past the people who want her dead, avoid a psycho patient, and not die while trying to regain her identity.I have a great imagination, and I have to admit that suspending disbelief on this was difficult because the plot had problems. There are several outrageous characters placed in the book to make the weird plot happen and then they get killed off. Also, the idea that she has to break in for a pill pushes the limits as well. I liked Thomas’s character, but his skills with reading people were just thrown in there. Then, who is who and what’s really going on made me roll my eyes. It’s somewhat entertaining, but the whole time I was reading, I was thinking, “Seriously?”
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I received a copy of this book via Egmont USA and NetGalleyThis book had a great concept, wiping memories of criminals in order to give them a second chance? Sounds awesome. It was a great idea, and I would say the first 25% of this book was orchestrated well. I didn't find myself getting emotionally attached to the characters, which is always a let down. I didn't find the romance very believable.I found the end of the book incredibly obnoxious. Have you ever seen Scooby Doo? At the end of every episode they tell you why the bad guy is the bad guy and his motives, they explain it all to you. That's how this went, just a giant explanation. Which is super freaking obnoxious. LET ME REVEAL MY MASTER PLAN TO YOU. MWAHAHAHAH. Lame, show me something instead of telling me everything.This book started great, but fell short.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5tabula rasa... 5 starsI loved this book and ripped through it as fast as my little hands could swipe the kindle pages. Tabula Rasa means a mind not yet affected by experiences, which is exactly what someone is trying to do to Sarah, wipe her mind clean.This was non stop action and suspense, you never knew what was coming round the corner. I loved the main characters, Sarah or Angel as she was before "The Hospital" and Thomas These two made me keep on reading well into the night. They talked just like teenages might and there was no sex, which I like, just some teenage sexual tension. I found this to be wonderfully readable. My favorite charcter just might be "Oh No" what a perfect name, he made me laugh outloud, loved his craziness! Sarah wakes up one day ready for an operation she is told will help her, from what she is not quite sure. She is bald and has metal spikes poking out of her head. She thinks she is in a hospital. She has no memory of her life before, who or what she was. Right away the action builds and things start to explode and go bang, she finds drugs and clothes under her bed and she runs! She hooks up with Pierce who later becomes Thomas and they escape outside in a raging blizzaed, with solders inside and outside of the building that is quickly being blown up and destroyed. Who is this Angel or Sarah or even more impotant who really is Thomas.... friend or enemy? How did Sarah come to be in this Hospital, if that is really what it is? What are these drugs she needs to take or else? Memories come flooding back to her of the girl she used to be but, where is her family and how did she end up here? Who is the mysterious man with the green eyes just like hers? You must read this book to find out!
Book preview
Tabula Rasa - Kristen Lippert-Martin
CHAPTER 1
She points to the chair. Sit.
I don’t want to sit. The chair is cold metal, and I’m wearing a backless hospital gown. So I stand there staring at it until Nurse Jenner clears her throat.
Come on now, Sarah. We can’t keep the doctor waiting.
The first time I saw this chair, I thought it was an electric chair. I thought they were going to kill me.
But they’re not. I know they’re not. I remind myself of that again.
The chair keeps me upright so they can access any part of my skull—front, back, sides. Long-term memories are scattered throughout the upper brain, and getting at just the right ones so they can be neutralized is nearly impossible. But that’s what we’re here for today. Stage six of the nearly impossible.
I thought I was scheduled for next week,
I say.
Schedules change. Just be glad. It means you’re that much closer to a fresh start.
She’s right.
And so I sit.
Nurse Jenner starts securing my restraints: first the one around my neck, then the ones for my wrists and ankles, and finally the belt that goes around my chest. She fastens all of them a little too tightly and then gives me two pats on the shoulder.
Try to relax now. This isn’t your first trip to the rodeo, remember.
I know what’s coming next, and I hate it. She’s going to lock me into the halo. It’s this metal birdcage thing that holds my head completely still while the doctor works on me. I have four metal inserts embedded in my scalp and forehead, and the points of the halo snap into the inserts. I feel the click-click-click against my skull as she finishes locking down all the prongs.
What’s the matter with you today? You’re shaking all over.
I’m a little cold.
"You know you’re not supposed to move at all."
Yes, ma’am.
She heaves a sigh and hurries away. A moment later she returns and drapes a scratchy blanket across my bare knees. After checking my blood pressure, she gives the thumbs-up to the doctor in the booth above the operating room. I hear the door latch as she departs.
Now we can get started.
A spotlight comes on above my bald head. Once all the injections are done, my hair will be allowed to grow back, but right now I’m on a special chemo regimen to keep me completely hairless. Otherwise they’d have to shave my head every time they did a memory modification. Bald makes it easier for them, and it doesn’t really matter to me, since I can’t see what I look like anyway. There are no mirrors or shiny surfaces to be found in this place.
Well, not many.
In the outdoor exercise area, there’s a small pond with goldfish and water lilies. It’s a nice spot to relax. Or it was, right up until a girl fell in and drowned. An orderly found her floating facedown in the black water, her hospital gown spread out at her sides like wings. Afterward, Nurse Jenner said to me, I bet she fell in while she was trying to see her reflection.
I got the message: This is what happens when you don’t follow the rules.
The doctors tell us it’s got to be this way. Seeing things from our past—even our own faces—can cause a setback in our treatment. They go to great lengths to make sure we remain unknown to ourselves. Not that any of their precautions can keep me from wondering. I’ve tried to put together a mental sketch of myself by running my hands over my face. I must have done it a thousand times, but I still have no idea if I got anything right. The girl I see in my mind’s eye remains a blurry, half-formed image.
The only thing I’m pretty sure of is that I normally have dark hair. My skin is sort of olive toned, and usually olive skin goes with dark hair, not blonde. I figure I’d be a warm, toasty brown if I could just get a little sunshine, but we don’t get a lot of sun here. Wherever we are. In every direction there are jagged, white-capped mountains like rows of shark teeth. What’s beyond those mountains, I don’t know. Maybe if you walk out there, you get to a point where the world simply falls away.
Just like my memories.
Any minute now, a male voice will address me. It’ll be Dr. Buckley. I’ve met him just once, in the hallway outside the director’s office on the first floor. He looks like a middle-aged Santa Claus: brown beard streaked with gray, bright red cheeks, and a twinkle in his blue eyes. He’s up in the surgical booth right now, behind smoke-colored glass, operating the injection needles with a robotic arm to ensure absolute precision.
Are you ready, Sarah?
And there’s Dr. Buckley now. Ho, ho, ho.
His question is just a formality. What am I going to say, no? Besides, now comes the only good part. I talk with Larry. He’s Dr. Buckley’s research partner.
Larry is the one who reads the CAT scans and the MRIs and then decides where to drill during these head-mining operations. He figures out the this to take and the that to leave alone. He’s also an expert on hypnosis.
Larry talks to me throughout the operation. I have to be awake and alert during surgery so they’ll know immediately if they’re damaging something important. While Dr. Buckley is busy puncturing my brain with needles, Larry will have me count backward from one hundred by sevens, or he’ll read me lines of poetry and ask me to repeat them back. Sometimes he tells me really bad knock-knock jokes, and I just have to say, Who’s there?
at the right moment. Larry assures me that laughing at the punch line is not required or expected, which is good, because the jokes are never funny.
Good morning.
Larry’s voice startles me. He sounds so close, but I know he’s not. He’s up in the surgical booth. I’ve never seen him, and I only hear him through a speaker on procedure days.
Big day today,
he says.
Is it?
I’m sure you’ll be ready for whatever comes your way, though.
It’s strange, I know. We seem to talk about nothing, and yet I feel like everything Larry says to me is somehow important. Maybe it’s just that his voice is the only thing that keeps me from drifting away for good. Sometimes—maybe a lot of times—I want one of those needles to go in a little too deep, in just the wrong place. Would it really be so bad? I’m sure there are worse ways to die. Loads of them.
I could never say this out loud. Nothing gets the staff riled up like saying you don’t care. These memory modifications are a chance for a new life. And they cost a fortune. The huge expense gets mentioned a lot, especially if the nurses think we’re being uncooperative. They seem to think all the research money they’ve invested in us to help get our lives back on track will make us feel obligated and appreciative. Maybe it should, but it doesn’t.
What’s on your mind, Sarah?
Sarah.
Can that really be my name? I’ve said it over and over again, trying to force this square peg into its round hole. It never fits.
Just as I’m about to answer Larry, I hear the high-pitched whine of the drill starting up. Dr. Buckley is in a hurry.
"Hold still now. You’ll feel a sharp prick and then pressure in juuuuust a moment.…"
I’d rather not picture the drill that’s about to bore its way through my skull, even if Santa Claus is the one operating on me. I need to distract myself. I know my post-op recovery is going to be deadly dull. The only things we get to watch on TV are old cartoons, and I’m tired of watching Tom and Jerry in the rec lounge.
Larry, can you sign off on a reading request for me?
Only Dr. Buckley and Dr. Ladner can give permission for us to read. And like the cartoons, the books they approve are usually really old. I guess they figure old books don’t matter anymore.
Sure,
he says. "How about Hamlet?"
Hamlet?
Dr. Buckley must also think it’s a strange suggestion, because he abruptly turns the drill off.
"I tried out for a part in Hamlet when I was in college. Did I ever tell you that, Sarah?"
Larry has never shared anything personal before. He knows that.
I wanted to play Polonius.
Oh yeah?
I ask. Why not Hamlet?
Because Polonius has the best line in the whole play.
Which is?
‘This above all: to thine own self be true.’ Good advice. Though not always easy to follow.
Or in my case, it’s impossible.
Larry knows what I mean. I can’t be true to myself if I don’t know who I am.
Don’t be so sure, Sarah. I’m less worried about you than I am about me.
Should I ask him why he said that? Reassure him that he’ll be all right?
I say nothing.
A moment later, I get that sharp prick that Dr. Buckley warned me about. I suck in my breath and feel an intense cold where he’s stuck the needle in. Once the area is numb, Dr. Buckley will begin drilling. That’s the worst. I hate the smell of the bone dust.
Just remember, Sarah, sometimes the answers to all our questions are staring us right in the face.
I’m not sure what Larry’s talking about, but I stop wondering about it almost instantly. They give me something to keep me calm during these procedures, and it must be kicking in.
Dr. Ladner,
Dr. Buckley says. "Are you quite ready to continue?"
The drill starts up again, but I don’t care. I don’t care about anything. I feel like my body is a wagon and my mind is a horse, and somebody just unhitched the two.
Despite what I tell them—that I’m ready to start my life over as a tabula rasa, a blank slate, whatever you want to call it—right now all I want to do is slip away into the cool, velvet nothingness that’s calling to me.
Oblivion.
That’s what I want. That’s what I need.
With each slow blink, time passes quickly, and nothing happens. No more needles, no more drilling. I’m just sitting here, waiting. Whatever happy juice they squirted into me is wearing off, and worse, I’m getting feeling back in my scalp. I’d ask what’s going on, but that would be a waste of time. They never, ever give you reasons for their delays.
I’m able to move my eyes just far enough to see the observation window. It’s up high, on the other side of the room, opposite the doctors’ booth.
Someone is up there watching me.
It’s her.
HER.
I feel something rise in my throat, fierce and foul. My teeth clench together, and an intense hatred fills me up so hot, so fast.
It takes all my strength to force my fisted hands to open and relax. I need to stop this. It’s ridiculous for me to feel this way. She’s some consultant they’ve brought in from New York. I don’t know her. I’ve never seen her before this week.
Ms. Hodges. That’s her name.
Hodges.
Whoa. Everything all right, Sarah? Your heart is racing,
Larry says.
I’m fine.
You sure?
Yeah. Totally fine.
There’s no reason for me to have such a strong reaction to this woman. She’s a stranger, and though it’s possible she reminds me of someone I used to know, there’s no way to be sure. I need to ignore these feelings. That’s all. Ignore them. Because I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t.
As the woman looks toward the surgeon’s booth, I sneak a quick glance at her. She’s wearing an ivory dress with lots of draped fabric. It’s elegant. Toga-like. Several gold bracelets circle her wrist. She spins them around, but as our eyes meet, she stops and lets her hands drop to her sides.
It’s hard to tell how old she is. Fortysomething, maybe?
My eyes dart toward her hair. It’s the most perfect shade of red, and if I didn’t feel so murderous right now, I’d admit that she’s beautiful.
You know, for her age.
I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping that when I open them again, she’ll be gone. But she isn’t. I want to make these feelings go away, but hatred is a sticky, clingy thing, and I can’t seem to get rid of it.
I remind myself what I’ve been told nearly every day since I arrived. Paranoia is a side effect of these tabula rasa treatments. So is a strong feeling of déjà vu, loss of depth perception, balance problems, color blindness, and, according to Larry, an inexplicable affinity for people wearing wooden clogs.
That breaks the spell a little. A smile tugs at the corner of my mouth. I wait for Larry to ask me what I’m thinking. He’s probably the only person who could tell me exactly how many times I’ve smiled since I got here.
Suddenly all the lights go out.
The room is black and instantly colder. The darkness only lasts a moment, but it feels much longer.
When the lights come back on, so does Larry’s microphone. You okay down there?
I don’t know.
A drop of blood drips onto my lap. I must have jumped when the lights went out. I didn’t think it was even possible, but somehow I tore one of the metal inserts loose from my skull.
The lights flicker and the heart rate monitor leaps back to life long enough to beep once.
Sarah,
Dr. Buckley says through the balky speaker system. I guess … having … technical … someone … will … try to … calm—
The power goes out again, and this time the outage drags on.
Just as I’m starting to panic, I hear a door open and then footsteps. My whole body stiffens at the sound of someone hurtling toward me. Whoever it is knocks a piece of equipment onto the floor as he approaches.
I hear him breathing hard. He’s right there, right next to me, but he says nothing.
Aftershave.
That’s what I smell. I have no association to go with it, which makes me think it can’t be one of the orderlies. I know each of them by their body spray or shampoo or mouthwash.
I hold my breath, waiting, completely aware of how helpless I am. The man grabs my upper arm and then fumbles toward my wrist, finally locating my hand. He presses something into my palm and wraps my fingers around it. It feels like a plastic bag.
A moment later, he retreats, and then I hear the door click shut.
I’m alone in the dark again, but I feel a rush of something that I haven’t felt in a long time: hope, curiosity, and a little bit of anger.
I feel alive.
CHAPTER 2
Twenty minutes later I’m out of the halo, and the lights are back on full blast. I haven’t dared to look down at what’s in my hand. I keep my fist at my side, practically sitting on it.
I’m being transferred back to my room in a wheelchair. One of the orderlies, Steve, is pushing me down the hall. Steve is this huge, tall black guy with feet like canoes. I spend a lot of time looking down at the floor, and I figure his feet for a size fourteen, easily. He wears a scarf all the time and usually a cap, too. I wonder if he has trouble keeping his head warm—too far for the blood to travel. He’s probably the only person in this place I feel comfortable around. I have no idea why.
Key lime pie with dinner tonight, Sarah! You like that. I know you do.
I have no real feelings one way or the other about key lime pie, but it seems rude to contradict him when he’s trying to be nice.
He whistles as we roll along and asks me for the second time, So, how’re you doing today?
We’re always supposed to say good when someone asks how we are. It shows we’ve got a positive attitude.
Mmm, okay,
I say.
You’ll be done soon. Then you can get on with your life. Fresh start, and all that.
Even though the power has returned, things are not back to normal yet. I can still feel something in the air, some echo of fear. As we pass the first-floor nurses’ station, I see that it’s empty.
Where is everybody?
Of course you’d notice. I knew you would. You notice everything.
That’s why I’m your favorite.
That’s right.
He rubs my head, and I wince when he accidentally presses down on the bandage covering the loose halo insert. Whoops. Sorry about that. You okay?
I’ll live.
He leans over me and whispers, I’m not supposed to tell you this, because the doctors don’t like us to say anything that might worry the patients, but we’re expecting a big blizzard tonight.
Oh.
Yeah. They’re sending people home. Last flight out’s in thirty minutes. Down to a skeleton crew tonight. But don’t you worry. You’ll still be in good hands.
Last flight out. Something about that idea makes me jumpy.
Did the storm cause the power outage earlier?
I ask.
Which power outage?
There’s been more than one?
Yeah. Three or four, mostly in areas of the compound we don’t use much. If you ask me, it’s all this fancy equipment they got here. Wind turbines, solar panels, geothermal whatnot. I’m telling you, the least little problem and it’s on the fritz.
Where are we, Steve?
You know I can’t tell you that.
We’re so far from civilization they can’t use electrical cables to bring us power?
I’ll tell you this much: We’re off the grid. Way, way off the grid!
I hear helicopters a lot,
I say. That’s how you guys get to and from work, isn’t it?
He ignores me and starts whistling again.
"I get it. It’s a secret. How about I just guess what state we’re in? It’s somewhere with a lot of snow. And mountains. Maine? Montana? Some other state that starts with an M?"
Hawaii. We’re in Hawaii.
Ha-ha.
He walks on with his big, canoe-length steps. I keep my fist tight around the little plastic bag.
Have you seen Jori lately?
I ask.
He gives a cough and waits a moment before answering. She’s fine.
Is she?
You just worry about you, Miss Nosy.
Jori is another patient here, and I haven’t seen her in weeks. I’m worried that something happened to her. People have a way of vanishing from this place. One day they’re here; the next day they’re not. I don’t know if it’s because their treatment is completed or because something else happened to them. Something potentially upsetting
to the rest of us. All they’ll say is that a patient is gone.
That could mean anything from transferred to released to dead. You don’t mess around with people’s brains without losing a few, but they don’t want to come right out and tell us when people die.
Except Nurse Jenner. She doesn’t mind sharing bad news.
I have trouble believing Jori’s been cured and released. She’s a terribly limp thing, short and skinny, with skin the color of undercooked fish. She’s always hunched over, with her hands clutched in front of her chest like she’s trying not to crush the wings of a butterfly she’s managed to catch. She’s fragile, nervous, and more than a little weird, even by the standards of this place. And though no one on staff will admit it, I’m pretty sure girls like that don’t go on to live happily ever after, no matter how many bad memories are cut out of their brains.
Steve steers me toward the elevators and presses the button. We wait, but no car comes. He keeps pressing and pressing the call button. Still nothing.
Maybe it’s out because of the storm?
I say.
Yeah. I bet that’s it.
He yanks the wheelchair back. We’ll go around the other way.
Going around the other way means cutting through the main lobby to get to the north bank of elevators, which takes a few minutes of backtracking. As we pass the lobby’s floor-to-ceiling windows, I see that the mountains in the distance have been erased by heavy gray sky.
Just then the wind kicks up. At the harsh, skittering sound of icy snow against glass, Steve starts taking longer and longer strides across the marble floor. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen him move this fast before.
We pass the entrance to the first-floor ward, which is unused. From deep inside the pitch-black hallway, there’s a rumble and crack that sounds just like a thunderclap. It’s followed seconds later by the creak of hinges.
Steve stops.
I tip my head back and look up at his face as he stares into the darkness. A strong draft blows toward us, and then the unmistakable scent of outside
hits me.
Smells like snow,
I say.
Steve sucks his teeth. Yeah. One of the doors must’ve blown open. I’ll have maintenance look into it.
I don’t know how a door could have possibly blown open. This whole place is locked up tight. Plus, they built this hospital complex into the side of a hill. First the main building, where we are now, and then the smaller building next to it—South Wing. As Steve wheels me past the walkway that connects the two buildings, my eyes are drawn to it. Something strange goes on in there. No one ever talks about South Wing.
Steve yanks the wheelchair abruptly, and steps up the pace even more. I turn around in the chair, staring at the walkway. I’ve always wondered why the letters E and C are etched into the glass. The staff only call this place the Center.
Or sometimes, when they refer to the two adjoining buildings along with the grounds themselves, they’ll say, the Compound.
But the E.C. has to stand for something.
Steve?
Eyes in front, Miss Sarah,
he says, gently turning my head back around. And don’t be asking any more questions. You just think about getting better.
Getting better. That’s what I’m here for. And getting better means forgetting the past. Because the past is bad. Very bad. Worse than very bad. So much worse than very bad that I might not get over it otherwise.
Drastic measures. These are them.
When traditional therapy, drug therapy, and behavioral therapy all fail, you land here, and they drill through your skull and pull out the bad memories like they’re pulling weeds.
Everyone at the Center is being treated for severe post-traumatic