Still with you

PROLOGUE

Aqeel

I

have been effing and blinding myself since the day I realised my feelings towards her. That day I learned two things, the ability to live and to consciously drink the poison. I could confess and lose her, or I could stay silent and earn her. I chose the latter. I was a coward, and I knew it. I knew this much, that I would be able to survive if she would be by my side but I would shatter the moment she would leave. And it was inevitable, her leaving me. Only If I knew it, I would have opened my mouth a bit earlier or zipped it tight for the rest of my life. Though I wasn’t just a coward, I was stupid. Stupid enough to jump, when the boat had already left the harbour.

Aqeel... who would you choose? Me or Luna? She asked me. you. I said in a single breath. If it was someone else asking me the exact question, I would have said my pet’s name.

And who would you choose between Me and your other friends? She asked.

You are my one and only friend. So you. I confirmed.

And who would you choose between Me and your family? She asked.

"You are my family." I said, getting frustrated with her questions. She made it hard for me to stay silent about my feelings.

That's not fair. you have to choose one, stop being a diplomatic brat. She whined.

Alaia...the only people i have in my life are you and dida so stop making me choose. With utmost patience and calmness, I told her.

Then why did you choose Dida over your family? She asked. I imagined smacking her head hard against the table. I do love her, but she doesn’t get to question my decisions about my family.

" I didn't . They left me. Besides, I don't care about them as long as you and Dida are here with me. So please don't make me choose between you two." I dropped my pen forcefully on the table,a fountain pen to be exact.

Okay. Calm down. Another question. Who would you choose between this world and...me? She asked me,  a  mischievous smile lingering on her mouth and a playful look in those beautiful brown eyes. The eyes that held me captive every time I dared to look at them. To avoid staring at her, I started cleaning the table where the ink had spilled. The pen tip broke and so did the wall of patience.

Alaia...you are my world. I would choose you. Always. So stop asking me meaningless questions. I have homework to do. I said while focusing on my notebook that lay upon the dining table of her house. My heart beat raced and my cheeks flushed when I heard the words uttered by my own damned mouth. The words which held so much impact against me, were just mere words, words to be taken for granted by Alaia.

Alaia!!! Stop disturbing Aqeel and do your work. And if you are not interested in it then go back to your room and let him study  peacefully. Her mother yelled from the kitchen. Then a while later she brought me coffee and patted my head. Alaia got a head smack from her mother for being the cause of my 18/20 in the previous maths test. I couldn't help but giggle at that, though when she complained about being in pain. I apologised to her and she instantly regained her composure. I didn't feel like a pushover at all. If apologising could make her smile I'd apologise a million times to the world without a single thought , for though she was my whole world.

Can I ask you something too? I asked her, my eyes didn't leave the sight of my notebook as my sweaty forehead would reveal the hidden anxiety crawling against my skin.

Yes. Of course. She said, grinning from ear to ear as she caught sight of her dad entering home after his work ended.

Who'd you choose? If you were to choose between this world and me? I asked, keeping my voice low as much as possible. I knew what she would do, and yet I wanted to give it a try.

The world! It's simple. You come in that package only, Dumbass. Don't think about my questions too much, or your brain will explode if it has not already, under the enormous number of problems you solve daily. Give yourself a break!. She exclaimed and ran towards her father. Abbu!! Did you find the baby pink-coloured wool, I asked you for? She started interrogating her father about the unusual errands she made him do. She didn't care about me, the way I did for her. As she didn't have her heart beating faster around me. I was a mere friend to her, amongst many others. Indeed I was a Dumbass. I took her free and kind nature for love.

THE LETTER

Aqeel

"T

he last thing I want are these memories to creep  inside my mind", I began to murmur as I entered my old apartment.

Of course it contained journals worth of memories as I spent my childhood here with some exceptionally adorable people. An unintentional smile lingered with just the thought of those faces. A few moments later that smile vanished into the dusty air as I got into a coughing fit. The air inside was suffocating enough with  the moulds growing in the rotten wood furniture we have had for years. So I went closer to the window for some fresh air. The view from my room, used to be the best, and it still was. I loved stargazing hence I spent much of my time sitting near the window lost in thoughts and dreams. Some of them grew as I did, and others were crushed. The soft western breeze brought a bird feather inside, it floated in the air before finally descending to the floor. When I looked down, my gaze fell upon a piece of mail.  Curiosity bubbled inside me and I picked it up to examine. The letter had the return address to Boston. I wondered who it was from, as publishers who I've been working  with only knew about my current address and this apartment had been closed off  to everyone. Who even wrote hand written letter these days? I did want to receive a letter, though it felt strange when I actually did.

I unfolded the letter as fast as possible to see, who had the time and energy to write me something, that too in my old address. I wondered, for how long was this here? If I hadn’t visited, the sender’s effort would have gone in vain. Would they still be expecting me to reply? The moment my eyes caught a glimpse of the name my mind flooded with thousands of memories and countless flashbacks.  For a while I remained immersed in those memories. This was the sole reason I refused to come here. I didn't expect something like this to be here though the feeling, nostalgia was not good for me.

She was something magical, my whole world revolved  around her. Though the situation wasn't the same for me, it appeared she still found me in her closets. I didn't read the letter as I came here for some important work and I had to leave the moment my task was completed. My brain couldn’t figure out the reason behind this letter, but my heart knew this feeling. One look at that door, across mine and my heart started beating abnormally faster. The weather wasn’t humid, and yet sweat beads had formed on my forehead

Throughout the drive I kept thinking about the letter and her, I didn’t have the guts to read it. I was so overpowered  by the rotten feelings that I took the wrong lane despite knowing the road for ages. Ughh!!  why the fuck did she decided to write out to me out of nowhere, and why the hell was I so into that letter??? I had forgotten her, she did that too....she must have moved on. I got over it too then why was my heart still racing so much?... .I despised this feeling.

After reaching home I started unpacking the things I brought with me. It had been rotting there for years as I didn't need them much. The truth is I didn't want to be around those things anymore... I had wished to move on with my life. I did what I needed to do except get married or be in a relationship, I didn't want to be held back in the same world again. I thought of escaping  this world where I had to settle down for matters like this, and move to a world of my own that I had been longing for since my childhood. No matter how much I polished my world, it remained rough in some parts, because it had the same scars I got around 6 years ago.

Should I read it? Or should i destroy it? What must have she written in those dead pages, she didn't even like the concept of writing letters. Still she wrote me one, so it must be important. My indecisive ass couldn’t decide what was to be done. If someone saw me, they'd think I had probably gone mad. I must be crazy to love her.

I couldn't concentrate on anything. So I decided to make myself a cappuccino... I only take Black coffee these days because I had to keep my sugar in check. A slight change in my sugar level might trigger my diabetes. And anyways, having black coffee, sitting near the window of  my staffroom that was built years ago while marking papers was what I had wanted all my childhood. And I am not being sarcastic about it, I did want those things. People said that I was boring or that I was born with a young body but an old soul. I wanted to be a maths professor. Not because I was highly intellectual or intelligent, but because maths was the only subject that helped me escape the real world. Trust me, when you have 100 maths problems to solve, you won’t have enough time to think about your life problems. And to avoid my problems even more, I had a fixed routine for everyday. If you plan your days ahead or have a schedule this would hardly give you time to make mistakes or think about them. I wasn’t always like this but with the passing time and lack of people in my life I had grown into this schedule thing.

After I finished my coffee, I was going to take a shower when someone rang the doorbell. Oh sana, I forgot that you were due today. Come inside and have a seat.

Tea or coffee? I asked her while putting down a glass of water

Wait.. you won’t offer me herbal tea? Last time when I visited, you insisted upon herbal tea as it was supposed to be good for our health. She teased me

Sorry to disappoint you but today you’ll have to do without herbal tea as I am out of it. And I just had cappuccino myself, could definitely whisk some for you. I suggested.

Oh…so you do enjoy your life? I thought you were an old lady with multiple health complications and only had HEALTHY food. She laughed. I’ll take a cappuccino.

I quickly made her a cappuccino, and put together some chocolate chip cookies.

"I need your signatures in these papers. The client loves the apartment, it just needs some renovation and cleaning to do. That they’ll manage so If you could just sign these papers, My work will be finished."

yeah sure, I replied.

I started to read the terms and conditions mentioned on the paper. I had to make sure everything was fine. Though it seemed like the sugar had finally caught upto me as my head felt lighter and there were two sets of paper rather than just one. I realised that I hadn’t took my insulin shot. So I asked Sana if she could pick up the papers later. Although she agreed to do that, I would have delivered it myself if she hadn’t.

After she left I came back to sit, it was difficult for me to walk without toppling certain things. Though somehow I reached my sofa and I passed out.

Did you read my letter? Asked Alaia.

I was utterly confused, as I thought she was in front of me. Though it was just a weird dream. I woke up as if I had seen a nightmare. For a moment I was scared, of her ,of that letter and of myself. She made me crazy. Her presence was as haunting as her absence. I took a deep breathe and reached in my pocket for the letter.

To Aqeel,

Hello , sorry if I'm bothering you with this but I really wanted to talk. I hope you have been doing just fine all this while. It's been 4 years and we haven't met each other since then, neither did we talk. I am writing this to let you know that I have realised that our situation could have been much better if only I reacted less dramatically. You already know how I am and how I handle things… pretty badly huh? Hope you still remember me… well i can't say ‘love me’ cause i already ruined everything years ago and don't really deserve your attention. But just for my clarification, I would say that I didn't expect this from you. I really thought we were just friends. I quiet remember the time  when i was here in Boston doing my degree before completely settling in US, you use to sing '' Dorothea'' by Taylor Swift.....i used to think that you were just missing me as we have spent our whole childhood together and i was your only friend back then but i guess it wasn't true at all. You were always in deep thought, you liked reading, writing and being my nerd friend. On the other hand, I, being the outgoing friend always wondered how to react to your profound words. You know nuh that i am not good with words so i'll keep it short, i just want us to get back together as we were years before our fight. You might get confused as to why am I writing to you all of a sudden but to let you know  I haven't really gotten over our fight and why it happened, it was my fault of course but you too were being mean. You only saw your view of this situation, not mine, but I am not blaming you for this as I know it was merely your emotional rush and nothing else. You didn't  mean all the things you said to me. 

Truth is I wrote this a few months ago, but I didn't have enough courage to send this to you. I would have contacted you some other way. But since we cut every ties between us, I have no idea what your contact options were. I don’t expect you to reply… you can forget about this letter if it does reach you. Yet if you change your mind, here is my contact ; **********.

Sending love. Your dusky, Alaia :)

FAR AWAY

AQEEL

M

y sweaty palms soaked the letter making it transparent. I should hate her. She makes me anxious, just like my old self. Even after all the years, she has the same effect on me as she used to do back then. It's just that I am not in love anymore, at least that's what I want to believe. This letter will definitely become the reason for my downfall. All my progress in moving on from her, would be wiped out.

I know her very well and as this letter states, she just wants us to be good friends. Nothing more, so it shouldn't be awkward, and yet my gut says that this will make my life go 180 degrees. Do I have balls to look at her and resist falling for her again? But if she is willing to give our friendship a second chance, why should I stay back? I could just ring her up and hope it goes well. Can’t people go back to normal like they never ruined someone’s engagement? Is it possible for two people to be friends again, knowing that one of them loved the other at some point of time and the other didn’t? Is it possible for her to forget the humiliation I cost her? Can I do ‘just friends’ again? All these questions ate the fuck out of my mind and the everlasting lightheadedness didn’t help either. Before I could pass out again from the high blood sugar levels in my system and the growing fear of Alaia, I took my insulin shot.

I was better. And it was high time I acted like an adult rather than a scared little ugly teenager who had no idea of what he was supposed to do. I could do this. She was just a woman. A woman I loved above others. And someone, I shouldn’t be afraid of, my friend. So I called her number. It rang three times before she answered.

Umm..hello!? I-

Aqeel? Is that you?

Uh. Yeah. I was speechless, exactly how I used to get whenever she opened her pretty little mouth. I am doomed.

OMG!!??! Am I dreaming? You son of a BITCH!!!! You called? That must mean, you received my letter.

Get a grip! It's just me. I tried to tell her, well, more to myself.

No. Let me tear people’s eardrums. Because you CALLED. I thought the letter didn’t get to you as it took you months but it was you. So it could also mean that you hid it somewhere so you could avoid contacting me. She kept on going as if she had only 60 seconds before death would consume her.

Let me speak, would you? I politely asked her.

Yes of course, you idiot. I swear, I could imagine her rolling her eyes at me. And it made me chuckle.

What are you laughing at? huh? She accused me.

Nothing. I just missed you. I didn’t believe my words. Didn’t I spend years forgetting about her? Writing sad poetries because I was heartbroken? And she was the reason behind the shattered pieces of it.

Did you? really? She doubted.

Kind of. I mean its not humanly possible to forget someone like you. Because you would bully the shit out of people, if they did. I heard her laughing over the phone and smiled. What was I doing? Well, kudos to you. You wrote a letter. I received it today, when I went back to my old place for work.

I am glad Aqeel, that you called. I feel lighter, now that I know you missed me as I missed you a ton.

"But it's never too late

To come back to my side

The stars in your eyes

Shined brighter in Tupelo

And if you're ever tired of being known

For who you know

You know you'll always know me

Dorothea (ah-ah)

Dorothea (ah-ah)"

Mmm, I think this was supposed to be my line. It has been years since I last heard you singing, and you still suck at it. I chuckled

Yeah yeah whatever, go ahead and make fun of my voice. At least I have the confidence to sing. What's the point of having a really good voice and guitar skills, when you can't even gather enough confidence to sing in front of anyone. She complained. I remained silent as to who would tell her. I only sang for her, as she was all that I cared about.

What? Why are you silent now? It's as if I said something I shouldn't have. Don't make me feel like that. I wanted you to sing for others too as you did for me. She grumbled. Thats the difference between us. She never saved herself for anyone in particular. She was everyone’s and nobody’s at the same time. While I, I stayed the way I was, for her.

I could hear someone calling for her through the call. Be grateful that I have some work today, so I can't talk to you much. But I will catch up to you later....bye! We'll continue this topic later!! And thanks for replying to my letter. She hung up the call. And That was her. She did as she pleased. And that made her ten times more attractive. I guess we all love a bit of toxicity. I kept thinking about her all night, till the sun came up. And I had to start my daily grind again.

LOST AND FOUND

ALAIA

‘W

hich one looks better?" I asked.

Wear whatever you want...you're gonna look stunning either way!!

Yeah, but I still need to know which is a better choice. See, this pink dress is too dinner date type and this pair of shirt and trousers are too formal. I want to look casual, as if this was a normal friendly get together as it actually is. But anyways, I need your help today. My fashion knowledge isn’t working for me today.

I know it's a normal get together but you are panicking as if it was a date. Don’t worry, it's just your stupid childhood friend and not someone you are supposed to impress. Daisy blurted out.

Wow I was shocked. she wasn’t just a slut but a bitch too. I gave her a death stare.

What? She asked as if she was innocent. I chuckled. Listen babe… you wouldn’t be able to walk down the streets if I leaked any of your videos. If you can’t keep your hands away from my male models then you should at least respect my people.

Did you film me? She asked, horrified. No, but someone else did. When you were busy making out in my latest collection in your vanity. I fixed my lipstick and took a last look at my makeup.

Oh my god! What are you gonna do with that footage? She asked me with a worried look. I liked that look.

Well, it’ll rot in my storage for some time. And if you continued with your behaviour, it might make its appearance on social media. I just need to make an anonymous tip to the media and your career would be as dead as your hair. Don’t forget about the outfits you stole from my wardrobe.I gave her a sweet but bitter smile.

Wait, you know about the outfits? Her eyes widened. Absolutely yes. I keep track. I squeezed her cheeks and went to change my clothes. I chose to wear the pink dress, If not for Aqeel then for the media who were waiting for me to walk out of my hotel room. I made a comeback, here in Kolkata after working from Boston all this while. This was a sudden decision though I missed being here. And people would accept me anywhere. I made sure that my brand does better and captures the attention of people. The initial reason was Papa, as he didn’t want to settle in Boston so I had to come down here. And I will be close to Aqeel too now, when we are trying to patch up. He and I agreed to meet today in a cafe as I was back in India. He doesn’t know that I am back for good and won’t go back to Boston.

It wasn’t easy to come back here, when my brand was established elsewhere. But the idea originated in Kolkata, and I must do it from here. I had been working on this for a while now, even before I wrote that letter to Aqeel. I only hope for this to work, I know the journey is going to be rocky. But I’ll still have my office in Boston which will be remotely managed by me. The only way up is to satisfy my customers and expand what I started.

I dismissed Daisy as I didn’t need her anymore. And went out, as expected the media was there to capture my first few hours back in Kolkata. I posed for them and answered a few questions related to my brand and avoided the personal ones. Then drove to the cafe with the help of google maps, as I have forgotten half the streets already. The city was the same, nothing much changed but my memory betrayed me. I reached there before the time we agreed on, I guess I was a little too excited. While waiting for him I ordered myself a soft drink.

He came just in time, and I waved at him from my seat. He waved back and came forward to take the seat across from me. Sorry, did you have to wait longer? He asked while panting a little. No, No actually I was early. But did you come here running? Why are you panting so much, here, have some water. I said while passing him the water bottle. He gulped half of the bottle in one go, I guess he was really thirsty. I ran out of gas, and uber kept cancelling my ride. So I took a bus, unfortunately it took a different turn and I had to get down and run here. He nervously chuckled.

Is this how you manage your students as a teacher? I laughed

You mean Professor? He corrected me.

Yeah whatever, but you should be aware of your car and its condition. The least you could do was check up on it a day before. I advised. You should consider thinking about your own teenage self. You were so carefree and irresponsible that I had to clear up your mess every time. He said. That was our past. A lot of things have changed since then and so have I. I am mature now. In fact I manage a luxury brand myself. Do you understand the term Luxury? It takes years for a brand to get recognised as a luxury one. If I was any less sincere in my work I wouldn’t have been here now. I told him, and did a small hair flip to brag. I can see that. He teased me. " What? I am telling the truth, plus you have changed too, it's like you have been melted and poured in a different  mould. Something about you is very different. I don't know exactly what, but I can feel it.

Anyways, who are these people who made you so mature? And did you by chance marry? He asked. I will say that being lonely in a different city with no love, no loyalty, you become mature on your own. And no, I didn’t marry. It isn’t in my priorities right now.

I can agree to that, without any friend or family member by your side. You become your first priority, you have to take care of yourself and focus on your career, be kind to others and just like that you forget about your carefree personality. Everyone joins the boring, intellectual life filled with meetings, work, classes, expectations, and some more work. He said

"You know what? keeping things in the past I like this version of you. You were always the serious type but I can see that life has been tough on you as it has