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    New Marriage, Same Couple: Don't Let Your Worst Days Be Your Last Days
    New Marriage, Same Couple: Don't Let Your Worst Days Be Your Last Days
    New Marriage, Same Couple: Don't Let Your Worst Days Be Your Last Days
    Ebook186 pages2 hours

    New Marriage, Same Couple: Don't Let Your Worst Days Be Your Last Days

    By Josh Walters and Katie Walters

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    About this ebook

    "For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health." We say those words and mean them. Until we don't. This is a book about creating a different, better, new kind of marriage with the exact same person—no matter how dire the circumstances—with vision, commitment, and hope in the Lord.

    Remember those early days of love? When your heart felt all fluttery, and you saw your person through rose-colored glasses? They could do no wrong. You were going to have the most beautiful life with big adventures and lots of sex. Of course, everyone says marriage is work, you knew that. But that was okay; you could get through anything together. It was going to be great.

    Until it wasn't.

    Something happened. Or maybe nothing happened. Maybe it was one big something, or a lot of little somethings over many years that landed you in a marriage you hardly recognize. For Josh and Katie Walters, it was a big something: infidelity. Now they counsel couples who find themselves exactly where they were: lost, hopeless, and unsure of how to fix their marriage.

    This book lays out the principles Josh and Katie learned in that season when God healed and restored their marriage. This process is broken into four parts and is an acronym for the word STAY:

    • S—start with you. (Discovering that when one person changes, the entire relationship changes.)
    • T—take quitting off the table. (Bringing your whole self to the solution and not checking out mentally and emotionally.)
    • A—allow others to be a part of your journey. (Trusting the right people, in the right ways, at the right time.)
    • Y—yield to vision. (Looking past what is and imagining what could be.)

     

    New Marriage, Same Couple is a book about hope. It's about how to create a brand-new marriage with your spouse, whether you've been married for a short time, or for decades.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherThomas Nelson
    Release dateJan 9, 2024
    ISBN9781400335572
    Author

    Josh Walters

    Josh Walters began working at Seacoast Church in 2009 as a campus program director for Kidscoast. Since then, Josh has also led the Connect and Creative Teams and served as pastor at the Mount Pleasant Campus. He currently serves as executive pastor of Seacoast Experience, which helps oversee what happens in person and online each weekend. Josh is also a member of the Teaching Team. He grew up in Columbia and attended the University of South Carolina, where he met his wife, Katie. After graduating with a degree in history and secondary education, he went on to obtain a masters in pastoral counseling and spiritual formation from Columbia International University.

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      Book preview

      New Marriage, Same Couple - Josh Walters

      COPYRIGHT

      New Marriage, Same Couple

      © 2024 Josh and Katie Walters

      All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other—except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

      Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by W Publishing, an imprint of Thomas Nelson.

      Published in association with The Bindery Agency, www.TheBinderyAgency.com.

      Thomas Nelson titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fundraising, or sales promotional use. For information, please email [email protected].

      Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.®

      Scripture quotations marked ESV are taken from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

      Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible® (NASB). Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995, 2020 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.Lockman.org

      Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

      Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation. Copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Ministries, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

      Any internet addresses, phone numbers, or company or product information printed in this book are offered as a resource and are not intended in any way to be or to imply an endorsement by Thomas Nelson, nor does Thomas Nelson vouch for the existence, content, or services of these sites, phone numbers, companies, or products beyond the life of this book.

      ISBN 978-1-4003-3558-9 (audiobook)

      ISBN 978-1-4003-3557-2 (eBook)

      ISBN 978-1-4003-3556-5 (softcover)

      Epub Edition JANUARY 2023 9781400335572

      Library of Congress Control Number: 2023941093

      Ebook Instructions

      In this ebook edition, please use your device’s note-taking function to record your thoughts wherever you see the bracketed instructions [Your Notes].

      Use your device’s highlighting function to record your response whenever you are asked to checkmark, circle, underline, or otherwise indicate your answer(s).

      Information about External Hyperlinks in this ebook

      Please note that the endnotes in this ebook may contain hyperlinks to external websites as part of bibliographic citations. These hyperlinks have not been activated by the publisher, who cannot verify the accuracy of these links beyond the date of publication.

      This book is dedicated to you, the reader.

      NOTE TO THE READER

      I’m not sure what season of marriage you find yourself in; however, by picking up this book you’ve expressed the desire to have a new marriage. Before getting started be assured, it can be yours! Whether you are in a moment of crisis and hope seems lost. Or, if you are happily married but aware of the need to grow in your relationship and get to a new place. That desire coupled with this book and workbook will help you experience immeasurably more than you could ask or imagine in the one relationship that matters most! If that was in any way dependent on Katie and I, it would be an audacious claim. But we believe it to be the heart of God, and with Him anything is possible. He does not want you to have a miserable, mediocre, or mundane marriage. Do you believe that? Ultimately, this is a work only He can do. But only you can read the book and put in the work.

      John 10:10 says, The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. I’m not sure how you would describe your current experience in marriage. But if you are looking for rich and satisfying, get ready—it’s coming for you! We can’t wait to see what God does in your marriage.

      CONTENTS

      Cover

      Title Page

      Copyright

      Introduction: In the Dark of Night

      Part 1: Start With Me

      Chapter 1: Take a Deep Look Within

      Chapter 2: Father, Forgive Them

      Chapter 3: Worship Is Warfare

      Chapter 4: Confession Therapy

      Part 2: Take Quitting Off the Table

      Chapter 5: When My Heart Feels Far Away

      Chapter 6: An Invitation to a Newer, Deeper Love

      Chapter 7: Next Right Action

      Part 3: Allow Others to Be a Part of the Story

      Chapter 8: Winning with Community

      Chapter 9: Jesus Is Kinder Than Any Christian You Know

      Chapter 10: Celebrate the Markers

      Part 4: Yield to Vision

      Chapter 11: Just Around the Corner

      Chapter 12: Let Him Do a New Thing

      Chapter 13: Your Best Days Are Ahead

      Conclusion: Ruby + Bear

      Appendix: Create Your Shared Vision

      Acknowledgments

      Notes

      About the Authors

      INTRODUCTION

      IN THE DARK OF NIGHT

      What if it’s me?" Katie asked.

      One of her best friends had just left the house. It wasn’t unusual for this neighbor to come over to our house for a chat with Katie, but it was one of the few times I (Josh) had been pulled into the conversation. She told us she had been struggling in her marriage, that something didn’t feel right. She said her husband seemed absent—distant physically and unengaged emotionally. She was hurting, and they were in a tough spot.

      We’d listened to her concerns, encouraged her, and prayed together. She was afraid there was someone else. I confidently told her, There’s no way. I knew her husband. He wouldn’t do that. After she left, Katie and I remained sitting in the kitchen, mostly in silence.

      As I tried to process everything our friend had just told us, I was reminded that our marriage also had not been easy. I thought our struggles had been normal, though. We were in a season of life where we’d started having children, were getting our master’s degrees, were working full-time, and had acquired a few rental properties. There was a lot going on, and figuring out how to build the marriage of our dreams wasn’t coming easy. There had been lots of arguments, frustration, and disappointments. But there was also a fair amount of sex, date nights, and Jesus. I thought we were moving in the right direction.

      Katie’s question didn’t make sense to me. I was not connecting the dots. What are you talking about?

      Seeing her anxiety, my confusion turned to anger as the gears finally began to turn. What are you saying? I yelled. I stood up and started walking toward the front door. We were not talking about some guy from work or a stranger she had met somewhere (not that it would have been easier). He was one of my best friends. I thought, If she’s saying what I think she’s saying, I’m going over there right now!

      A few minutes later, the four of us were in the front yard screaming and crying, broken. What have you done? How could you do this to me? I cried.

      Much of that night is a blur, but in the coming months I started to see things in high definition as I learned about all the phone calls, letters, gifts, time spent, and things they’d done together. There had been a lot of time devoted to pursuing, responding, and daydreaming about a relationship outside their marriages. But that night, I was devastated to learn that the someone else our friend had been afraid of . . . was my wife.

      Katie’s question that night cracked open the door to what was going on between her and the other man. But it also served as an invitation to reality—a wake-up call to the fact that things were not as they seemed in our relationship. I’d seen marriages fall apart. We’d walked with couples who had drifted apart over a number of years, some who’d been unfaithful with others—but certainly that would never happen to us. We were different.

      FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE

      Have you ever thought that your marriage is bulletproof? That nothing serious could come between you and your spouse—certainly not an affair? Maybe your confidence is rooted in your love for God; in the example modeled by your parents or grandparents; in the convictions you hold, the vows you made, the number of years you’ve been together, the shared dream of growing old together; or in your general optimism and positivity.

      John 10:10 has always been an anchor verse for us: The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly (ESV). We etched it in driveways, hung it in our home, and pursued that promise in our marriage. Abundant life! Don’t you want some of that? It’s available for all of us. But we (and maybe you as well) had been living as if the first part of that verse were not true. We have an enemy who is seeking to destroy what God has called good. Marriage is a gift from God. He said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him (Gen. 2:18). Through this relationship we experience and model to the world God’s covenant love for us. That He will never leave us or forsake us (Heb. 13:5).

      For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. We say those words and mean them. Until we don’t. It turns out, given the right circumstances, none of us are exempt from drifting apart or making bad decisions that lead us to places we never thought we’d go. For you, what you’re experiencing may not be the betrayal of an affair. We pray it’s not. But perhaps you’re not experiencing the abundant life you’d always dreamed of with your spouse.

      This is a book about what to do when you find yourself there.

      S.T.A.Y.

      If we are honest with ourselves, we tend to avoid physical or emotional pain. We often start looking around for a new job when things get hard at work, when the new boss is a jerk, or when we’re tired of doing the same thing every day. Professionally, deciding to leave and pursue something new can work out in our favor. Maybe we’ll find a better work environment, a boss we enjoy, and start making a little more money. But what do you do when you feel that way in your marriage? When things are hard, your spouse acts like a jerk, and you’re tired of the same things every day? It’s very common in our culture to see couples take the same approach they would in their careers—look for something better.

      Pain is an indicator that something is wrong. That something needs to be done. Instead of your leaving, checking out, or looking elsewhere to be satisfied, what if God wants to use the pain you are feeling to help you build a new marriage . . . with the same person? That is our story. God did that in our marriage, and we are confident He can do it in yours.

      Getting there is a process. This book lays out the principles we learned in that season when God healed and restored our marriage. This process is broken into four parts and is an acronym for the word S.T.A.Y.

      Start with me.

      Take quitting off the table.

      Allow others to be part of the story.

      Yield to vision.

      Each of these steps is unpacked in the four parts of this book. We believe you want to stay; I think that’s why you picked up this book. Most importantly, I believe it’s what God wants for you.

      We’re not talking about getting back to an old place, to a love that you once shared or an attraction you once had. We’re talking about going to a new place. A deeper place. You can experience the marriage you’ve always wanted.

      Keep reading and know that Katie and I are praying for you, believing your best days are ahead!

      Part One

      START WITH ME

      TAKE QUITTING OFF THE TABLE

      ALLOW OTHERS TO BE A PART OF THE STORY

      YIELD TO VISION

      When your marriage feels broken or when things get tough, it’s easy to look at all the faults in the other person. You may even feel hopeless, wondering if things could ever change between the two of you. But the first step, perhaps the hardest one, in healing or strengthening a marriage is to look at your contributions to the problem. It takes courage and faith, but I know you are up for it because you picked up this book. When one person changes, the entire relationship changes.

      One

      TAKE A DEEP LOOK WITHIN

      One of my (Katie’s) first memories of learning to shift blame took place in Mrs. Guiton’s second-grade class at Clover Elementary. I can remember sitting halfway back, right side of the classroom, when the teacher announced we had to immediately turn in our homework from the night before, placing our papers in a small plastic tub she would be passing around.

      For the prior few weeks, she had been asking us to simply check off yes or no on a sheet of paper each day to say whether we had completed our homework. I had begun lying about it and was baffled that some students would check the no box. Why would they choose honesty in a moment that was so easy to skirt past? This daily silent act showed what little integrity and maturity I had, but it wasn’t hurting anyone. And I had so much free time each night as I did less and less homework. I felt okay about this until that moment when my teacher passed around that plastic tub.

      I decided to put my name and the date on an assignment I had completed the week prior, and I confidently submitted it. As an eight-year-old, I somehow

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