The Book of Us

Chapter 1. Solomon’s Story.

I look back at the ordinary days I had with my friends. Those gaming days that seemed so important then. But I was young and I suppose I had no time or interest in seeing the world for what it actually was. I soon woke up to it though, when that fiery end came.

***

‘You must have been so afraid when it happened,’ my host suggested, as I paused my story. ‘I can’t imagine it.’ She added.

I told her that I wasn’t afraid at first because it didn’t seem real.

‘It was as though it would be O.K.,’ I said. ‘Because everything would start again, you know, reset. Like, in a game and we were all avatars. Um... But then it turned real. Really real.’

‘I understand,’ she replied and smiled. ‘But that was a bad version of reality. You’re in a good version now.’

I nodded.

‘Taken our time getting here though,’ I said flicking my eyebrows up onto my forehead and sucking my cheeks.’

‘Yes, but I bet you have learned a lot over those years,’ she suggested.

I nodded again and, ‘hmm’d.

‘Can I just... Can I say. It must have been crap for you too... after all the... I mean... We were all O.K. down south, until the bomb obviously, at the same time as you lot in the north were dying and...,’ I said. ‘Well, I’m sorry you went through all that.’

‘Solomon,’ she replied, resting her hand on mine for a moment. ‘Jesus. At least we had a chance of survival. Not many of you below the midlands did.’

‘I mean, yeah, I know you’re right but...,’ I sighed. ‘And, I suppose, if that tosser had his way we wouldn’t have survived what we did after the bomb either. God I hate him.’

‘Sweetheart. Hate is pretty powerful. Be careful not to allow it to fester, turn it into bitterness, which, by the way, can infect other people. Dwelling on past pain does nothing to make things better for anyone. It just stops you from fully enjoying your years. And this, what we have here, is a new life for you. You know. The past is done love. Enjoy what’s ahead.’ 

I nodded as we sat in silence for a moment, her smiling kindly at me while I thought about what she’d said and I began to realise my situation.

‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘Thank you... for taking us in.’

‘You found us. Through all your diversions you got yourselves here. If I was that way inclined I’d say it was meant to be,’ she replied. ‘As if the universe had a plan.’

I huffed a laugh down my nose.

‘Right,’ I said shuffling in my seat and straightening my back. ‘O.K. So where was I?’

‘When... Err... When that fiery end came,’ she replied reading what she had written.

‘Right. Yes, the end...’ I sighed staring at the page of upside-down words in front of me and nodding.

‘So?’ she added pen poised.

I sucked air in through my nose and let it pour out of my mouth.

‘So...’

***

I woke up several mornings thinking about those gaming days, that and suddenly realising I lived in a bunker inside a nuclear blast area with nine other people.

I suppose we were lucky that we were on a university trip to the Little War Centre the day it happened and that some of us were underground at the time. Lucky we had a friend who just wanted to sleep too, I suppose.

You see our tutor asked us to form small groups to go into each area, when we arrived. Logless, from our group, volunteered for us to go to the nuclear bunker. He told us that he felt like it might have a big comfy chair inside.

‘I hate standing up to listen to somebody drone on and the lecturer is bound to drone on,’ he explained. ‘At least I can have a nap in the chair while he’s doing it.’

‘You don’t even know if there is one,’ I said. ‘I don’t even know why you think there might be.’

‘Because... Isn’t it going to be a place where someone important would have to think about whether he’s going to press the big red button? I mean, surely he’ll want to be comfy while he’s making such an important decision,’ he suggested. ‘I mean look how comfy our gaming chairs are.’

‘But, it’s just a bunker. A place to hide, not a control centre is it. Is it?’ I replied.

‘I’m not bothered what we do,’ Fizz told us. ‘Just came because otherwise I’d have my head in a text book while you lot were skiving off.’

‘Why you at uni. if you don’t want to learn?’ Angel asked brushing past him and taking the lead.

Fizz shrugged and replied, ‘I do want to learn but reading just goes on and on... ‘Course there’s the uni stuff that makes up for it like the parties. Girls. Free stuff. Discounts. Erm...’

‘Alright. I get it,’ Angel uttered shaking her head as we made our way down the steps into the bunker.

At the bottom of the steep tunnelled staircase we faced some bloke who was stood straight backed and straight faced. He was short, thin and big bellied. His hair was all quiffy, like he’d greased the front up over a toilet roll then pulled the toilet roll out. Worse was that his skin was so pale it was bordering on pure white and with his hair being black as night it made his obviously shaved face look dirty. Maybe his looks even bordered on evil.

‘Vampire,’ I whispered.

‘Init,’ Logless whispered back while he stared at the man. ‘Cannot be arsed with vampires when I’m tired.’

‘Right,’ the vampire said rubbing his cringy hairy hands. ‘I don’t want any interruptions. Questions at the end only... and, no rustling of sweet wrappers. That’s like people crunching crisps in the pictures.’

‘Pictures?’ Fizz asked.

‘Old fashioned for cinema,’ Angel replied.

As soon as the vampire lecturer opened his mouth I didn’t like him, or his gabby flat voice. My chest heaved for breath loads of times to the point of yawning. I had to nudge Logless once or twice because he looked like he was falling asleep standing up. Needless to say there weren’t any big comfy chairs down there, just a spindly one behind the desk.

The bloke jabbered on about how the rooms were built during the cold war and something about lead lined walls, and whatever else he said. Anyway while he was wittering away me and Fizz were slide-kicking each other’s feet and trying to stop ourselves from sniggering when a weird thing happened.

All of a sudden the door at the top of the steps slammed shut. The metally bang was so loud it echoed around the room. Two people ran down to where we were and slammed the door, at the bottom of the steps, shut behind them too. At first I thought it was part of the tour, like a stupid roll play sort of act thing, except they did look all shook up.

The big bloke, who ran through the door, bent over and leaned on his knees and I noticed his bulbous red nose flaring each time he breathed in. He was muttering something inaudible and it looked like he was shaking his head. The young girl was resting her forehead on her hand which was gripped on the door handle and her other hand was pressed on her stomach while she heaved in gulp after gulp of air. We all stared at them both. I suppose we were waiting for an explanation.

Suddenly there was a rumble and in seconds it grew until the ground shook and it sounded as though there were a load of tanks or something behind the walls not quite able to get through. And there was this other sound. It was similar to wind when it whistles through the narrow gap in an open window except it was more intense.

No one spoke. Didn’t even scream, at least I don’t think they did. Maybe I just didn’t hear them.

People grabbed at the walls, maybe to steady themselves, or threw themselves into a crouching position on the floor and covered their heads with their hands like I did.

‘Is this real?’ I yelled to Angel. ‘What’s happening?’

‘I don’t know!’ she yelled back.

The sound and the shaking ground seemed to go on for ages. The sound seemed to get louder and the ground seemed to get shakier and there was a strong smell of beery pee close by. It was a trivial thing but that smell helped to keep my mind from completely focusing on whatever it was that was going on around me.

It seemed ages before the room began to steady and I nodded to Angel as I felt my tight gut ease a bit. The room was suddenly quiet and it stayed that way until I heard someone sniff and I looked straight into Angels glassy red eyes.

‘You O.K.?’ I whispered, swallowing something acidy.

‘Absolutely,’ she replied rolling her eyes and reaching her hand out in front of her she showed me how trembly it was. ‘You?’

I didn’t open my mouth at that point because I thought I might throw up so I just nodded.

‘How about you Fizz?’ she asked.

‘I’m not injured if that’s what you mean,’ he replied with a wobbly voice. ‘Was that an earthquake?’

‘A nuclear bomb just went off,’ the man with the bulbous red nose boomed.

The room seemed to suddenly go silent as I stared at him for a few moments. I went cold. I went really cold inside and weak as though the blood in my body was gushing out of my feet.

‘Can’t be,’ Angel, with massive saucer eyes, bleated.

‘Trust me,’ the Red Nose Man said looking at her sideways. ‘It was.’

‘It was,’ the girl who came down the stairs with him told us as she peeled her hand away from the door handle. ‘I saw the mushroom cloud go up... Some people just stood staring at it.’ 

‘Oh God,’ Logless suddenly muttered as he stared distantly at the floor. ‘I... I think my dogs on his own. What day is it?’ he said lifting his head up and glancing at each of us.

‘What?’ Angel asked, her face turning into a weird scrunched up shape as she twisted her head toward him.

‘The day! Today!’ he shouted out, staring at her with big staring eyes. ‘What day is it?’

‘Thursday mate,’ Fizz replied putting his hand on his shoulder. ‘Hey...’

Logless let out a long breath.

‘Mate?’ I asked.

‘Mum’s day off,’ Logless told us. ‘He won’t be alone...’

‘Won’t have been alone,’ Red Nosed Man said interrupting us.

We turned in unison to look at him just as he burped beery breath. He wore thick wool trousers and I couldn’t see a pee stain on them but I knew it was there.

‘Sorry?’ Fizz asked.

The man sighed.

‘You’re talking in present tense. It’s past tense now,’ he replied as he manoeuvred between the wall and the desk away from us. ‘Nothing within a sixty-mile radius of that blast would have survived. Dogs gone if you lived within...’

‘Awe mate,’ I said shaking my head and staring at him from under my meeting eyebrows. ‘Best you stop talking.’

Shrugging he flopped down on the spindly chair behind the desk.

‘Hope they’re alright,’ Logless said while he rubbed a deep fingernail mark on his forehead. ‘I mean my mum can be a nag sometimes but... and my dad is so... My dog though, he’s scared of his own shadow... Just hope they’re alright.’

Red Nosed Man scowled at him and rolled his eyes.

‘I’d say this is retribution, if I believed in God that is,’ a geeky looking young man, who found himself stood with us, said. ‘We left the north to its own devices. We lived like normal people while it was dying. Yeah,’ he added. ‘Retribution.’

‘Oh shut up,’ the red nosed bloke sneered. ‘God’s retribution my arse. It was human stupidity. We voted for idiots who not only helped the bloody wealthy but killed off more than half our population too.’

‘I don’t think the government were responsible for the sickness,’ Geek suggested quietly.

‘Hmm,’ an older woman, who I hadn’t noticed until then, muttered. ‘Maybe, maybe not. But they were responsible for what happened up north afterwards.’

‘Bollocks to the north,’ Red Nose Man growled. ‘It’s us in the south who’s dying now. We should’ve done more than just complain between ourselves when our economy collapsed, and the government let small businesses close in order to feed the bigger businesses to, supposedly, help said economy. It wasn’t just the north that felt it, was it. Meantime, the wealthy bought up those properties and waited for future prices to rise. Oh yeah. Got richer. The only part of the economy they helped were banks and estate agents, while our old people were freezing and our kids were starving. Lived like normal people my arse. Most people are, were, poorer than poor in the end.’

The geek lowered his eyes and muttered something.

‘You alright?’ I whispered.

The geek nodded and whispered back, ‘our family were poor before it all happened anyway, so it was no different for us. Like I said, normal.’

I huffed air out of my nostrils and glanced at Red Nose Man who was subtly popping some pills.

‘If it helps,’ I whispered. ‘I think he’s a wanker. Solomon,’ I said slapping my hand on my chest.

‘Paul,’ he replied.

‘And look at us now. We should’ve been in the streets revolting like the American people were?’ The bloke with the red nose blah’d on. ‘They got results by doing something far worse than merely holding up signs and signing petitions didn’t they. Hmm. Yes we did neglect the north, even when we knew it was on its last legs, because we had our own prob...’ he shook his head and grunted. ‘That, all that up there,’ he said spreading his arms out and looking up at the ceiling. ‘Was bound to happen. Retribution, ha. It was the fault of human idiots. Or maybe we haven’t really been nuked and this is all just fantasy.’

There was silence from those who were listening to him until Paul, staring into thin air spoke.

‘Well,’ he said quietly, ‘if there was ever a time when fantasy was needed it’s now, in this contemptible and unaccountable modern world.’

‘Hope they’re not hurt,’ Logless said distantly.

‘We all hope that for our own family’s too mate,’ I told him somehow knowing exactly what he was talking about. ‘But no one can promise...’

Logless swung a look at me and I couldn’t decide if it was hatred or horror in his glaring eyes, that were set into his solidified face, and I didn’t say anything else.

Angel took his hand and for the first time since I’ve known her she didn’t offer an opinion or give advice. She just looked down at the floor between her legs and in our crouching positions we followed suit. Fizz, however, was leaning over with his backside against the wall. Resting his hands on his thighs, while he shook his head, he mumbled a load of swear words.

We were silent for a long time while the buzz of concerned voices and echoing sobs faded. I looked around the room not really grasping what it all meant, I suppose. I felt like I was in a blurry sort of echoey dream, like coming around after an operation.

I rubbed my eyebrows and stared at the worn floor tiles and they reminded me of the hallway at home. It suddenly occurred to me at that moment that I might not see home again. It was also possible, really possible, that my parents were actually gone.... My body stiffened and my stomach knotted itself.

I rested the back of my head on the cold wall and I stared at the ceiling sucking in a long breath.

‘Oh God,’ I whispered.

I found myself thinking about what Red Nose Bloke had said earlier. He mentioned a sixty-mile radius and that no one would have survived it. Straight away I thought about how useless I was at geography, how useless any of my friends were at geography. How far from home even were we? Was it inevitable that our house would be within those sixty miles just because the war museum was?

I thought about that morning when my mum told me to make sure I wore my seat belt. I lied and told her I would but it wasn’t cool to wear them on a coach when you were with your mates.

‘You never know what might happen son,’ she told me.

‘She was warning me,’ I whispered.

‘You alright?’ Fizz asked. ‘Just. You’re talking to yourself mate. Wouldn’t like to think you were losing it.’

‘Just wondering about stuff that’s all,’ I replied without lifting my head.

I wondered if I ever told my mum to be careful about anything. I tried to remember when I last told her I loved her too, or even showed her any kind of affection. The muscles in my stomach tightened more. I couldn’t recall a thing and then it hit me. I made her a cup of tea when I had a break from gaming a couple of nights earlier. She hadn’t asked for one. I just made her one for no reason. Surely the fact that I thought of her meant that I loved her? I hoped she thought that. I hoped she remembered that before...

‘How are you,’ Fizz asked.

‘Um,’ I shrugged. ‘Dunno really.’ 

He patted my shoulder.

‘Me neither mate... Me neither,’ he said sliding down the wall and crouching next to me on the floor. ‘I feel bad for you lot. At least my family are in the mountains. They must be safe there.’

‘Oh yeah’ I said. ‘Scotland.’

‘Yep,’ he replied. ‘Jesus! I’d go hairless if anything happened to them... but... but it won’t have... It won’t have.’

It seemed like he believed out loud that his grandparents were alright but there was this vague look on his face that, like, told me he might be afraid they weren’t.

‘Hmm,’ I said and trying to take his mind off what, in reality, might end up being a bad outcome I said. ‘You know. When I think of your gran and granddad I think of the surprise anniversary party you gave them when you ordered that cake...’

Suddenly his lips farted and he began to laugh.

‘Oh my god yeah,’ he replied. ‘It said Grace, Anne, Albert. Everyone was joking, asking if they were having a threesome with someone called Anne. And the funniest...’

‘The funniest thing was there was a woman called Anne at the party and your gran and granddad blew her a kiss and made everyone really think there was something going on,’ I said. ‘Great sense of humour. God they were funny.’

His face suddenly dropped.

‘Are funny mate,’ he said sternly. ‘Are.’

I let my head hang apologetically.

‘Yeah should’ve said ‘and’ not ‘Anne’ on that cake,’ I mumbled.

I didn’t mention them again but he couldn’t stop me wondering about them. Two old people buying an old mountain shop, doing it up, and starting a new life seemed unusual. I mean they were in their sixties. I also wasn’t sure that they would be immune from a nuclear bomb, if the blast spread reached them and then I found myself wondering if there could’ve been more than one bomb that was dropped.

Chapter 2.

I glanced at Fizz and he was smiling at Angel and I wanted to shake my head at him. I asked myself if he was actually concerned about his family. I mean the rest of us weren’t smiling.

I glanced at him again and he glanced at me. We smiled a quick smile and leaned our heads against the wall.

In the silence I twisted my neck to the side and noticed the lonely looking figure of Mac a couple of feet away.

‘Mac?’ I said. ‘You alright?’

Mac was so pale and his eye sockets seemed so dark. They looked like shadowy holes. He dragged himself over and sat down next to me. He didn’t speak as he raised his knees to his chin and hugged them.

I looked around at my friends and it dawned on me that we were all different. We were all taking the potential loss of our families differently. I think Mac was in shock. I don’t think Logless knew how to deal with what had happened outside or that he could think of anything other than what might be the result of it. Angel was unusually quiet and Fizz I felt was a bit in denial, or just didn’t want to admit in front of us that something might have happened to his gran and granddad. I suppose I didn’t want to believe something crap might have happened to anyone I loved but at the same time I felt as though I would be stupid not to believe it.

‘Awe mum,’ I whispered as a picture of her smiling face as she stood in the garden popped into my head.

I don’t know why but thinking of her at home kinda triggered an image of Mike from next door suddenly, it was so weird. Anyway, Mike had a son, Roger, and if there was an upside to an apocalypse it was that Roger wasn’t with our group when it happened. Couldn’t stand him. I wouldn’t mourn him if he was lost. And at least he wouldn’t get to target me in gaming anymore.

‘Jesus,’ I said.

‘What?’ Angel asked.

‘No more gaming,’ I told her.

I saw her head jerk back into her neck and her hands spread out as she knotted her eyebrows and glared at me. I lowered my eyes so I wouldn’t have to look at her.

We lived for gaming so I don’t know what her problem was. But then not long after it occurred to me, as I glanced at her harsh face, that maybe it wasn’t as important anymore. It also occurred to me that I had just thought about a neighbour who might be dead and I didn’t give a shit if he was. It was as though nothing was real. Like I was in a game and Roger would just have to use another life.

Looking around the room at wet eyes and rocking bodies I realised the obvious, that there were no more lives to use, not for Roger or me, not for anyone. I suddenly felt sick and I put my hand over my mouth and squeezed my lips together.

‘Penny dropped?’ Fizz asked.

I nodded.

Me and my mates dropped onto our arses side by side almost simultaneously and leaning against the wall we didn’t speak for a long time. Some of the others in the room were panic talking. Their voices began to raise and someone began to cry again and our little group sat in silence watching them. I suppose that, even though we knew what had happened, maybe us only being in our teens at the time made us a bit, like, reality ignorant? Like, maybe we should have been screaming and clawing at the walls or something. I suppose I didn’t even think about what devastation there was outside, at the time, or how we were going to survive it. But I did a few days later.

‘What do we do,’ I asked Angel when things calmed down a bit.

‘Why you asking her?’ the lecturer piped up as he walked past. ‘She’s not going to know anything. There’s only me to rely on in here.’

I looked away from him shaking my head. I couldn’t help thinking that he was loving everything that was happening and that he was probably a twat as I sat among all the fear and self-pity that day.

For the next two days we got on with our lives reluctantly and listened to Tim, the lecturer, drone on about food and bed times and toilet use and the use of our bottles of water.

‘Drink it, wash with it or stink if you like,’ he said glancing at Arthur, the red nose bloke. ‘I don’t care but you will only get a litre of water every two days. You all know I’ve counted the food in the store room so do not try and steal any on the way to the loo. I’ve boxed the corner off so you have privacy by the way,’ no one replied and he added. ‘I’ll be counting the stock again after you’ve been.’

I didn’t like his arrogant bossiness. And, I didn’t like the idea that we had to use the industrial sized empty coffee and tea tins for toilets but he insisted there was no other way and they had lids to hide any smells. But he was right I suppose.

Fact is Tim-but-dim, as we decided to call him behind his back, immediately tried to tell people what to do in such a way that it sounded dictatorish? Me and my friends didn’t like it. Instead we listened to the things Angel suggested, because she suggested things to us instead of demanding it. Things like suggesting we occupied our minds with puzzles or games. That we should help each other cope with potential loss by listening and telling stories about home.

She was more of a talk to you and tell you why a decision might be better going this way or that way. She discussed ideas without bullying us into agreeing with them. Needless to say it didn’t take long before some of the others started to want to know her opinion, on whatever the topic of the day was. But not Tim.

It was only a few more days in when I started to notice him watching her frequently I didn’t like how he narrowed his eyes and how his top lip subtly lifted at one side when she spoke.

‘Something wrong with him,’ I suggested one day to Mac who, surprisingly, nodded but he still didn’t speak.

Tim’s attitude towards Angel was the reason I thought it was odd when he began to collaborate with her five or six days into our stay. He began to teach her about the effects of fallout on the land and stuff. He also talked to her about what radiation could do to a person. He gave her books to read on the subject of A bombs and H bombs. In all the information was helpful, according to her. By then my distrust of him was, like, up there with my hatred for Roger.

I kept my eye on him and noticed that he seemed to become close to Arthur. They would sneakily whisper in corners glance at Angel and whisper some more. I tried to listen to what they were saying one morning but they noticed and stopped talking. While I was close to the desk Arthur sat down and a bottle of antidepressants fell out of his pockets. He glanced at me and snatched them up. Tim also glanced at me but he seemed more interested in what Arthur had. I didn’t know why at the time.

Anyway, he seemed to be up Angel’s arse more as time went on and when he gave us a talk about what to do on the outside, one day, and was nice when answering people’s questions as Angel stood next to him, I realised why.

I decided that, because he was aware of Angel’s popularity, by being at her side he was gaining popularity too. People were talking to him, except people still talked more to her, anything from our daily needs to what we hoped for the future.

Apart from the fact that Tim was a twat I suppose everything was alright, even living on top of each other. But the more Tim saw the others with Angel the twattier he seemed to get. There seemed to be some kind of squabble between him and somebody else every day as time went on. I had a bad feeling that it would come to a head at some point and mentioning what I sensed to the others we decided to keep our eyes out for signs.

As for night time he was quieter.

‘Probs tired himself out,’ I suggested to Fizz.

‘Probs quietly planning everyone’s downfall,’ he replied snuggling into his jacket. ‘We’ll wake up dead one of these days.’

We both chuckled for a second or two but then I found myself staring at Tim and I wondered if he actually would plan something awful to do to us and how harming us would benefit him.

‘Food store is locked for the night,’ he piped up. ‘You want a pee in the early hours you’ll have to hold it.’

And it dawned on me that if something happened to us lot the food in the stock room, that would have gone to us, would be spare. My stomach tightened and I looked over at him as he settled his head on the back of the chair and his feet on the desk, as though he was any ordinary bloke without a bed.

‘God’s sake,’ I muttered resting my head on my rucksack and rolling my eyes. ‘He’s not going to kill us.’

At bed time the blankets were limited to the three that were folded up on a shelf, put there for affect next to old 1960’s newspapers that declared nuclear war was inevitable. There were fake ration tins and a union flag on the shelves too and the flag was used as another blanket. In fact it was the one I shared with Mac that night and I pulled it up to his neck as I looked at him. I felt bad for him, even so, I couldn’t grasp why he was taking it so much harder than the rest of us. I thought he was tougher than that.

As well as the flag, the blankets and the chair there were two cots which we all slept on in rotation, and that night Angel slept in one. I looked up at her and as her head hit the canvas she glanced at me and smiled. I smiled back but her eyes were already closed. She was beautiful, even asleep, with those deep pink lips and small nose and eyes that were wide and sparkling when they were open.

Anyway, I was about to close my eyes when I felt the urge to look at Tim again. He was staring down his nose at Angel without blinking, it was creepy, and something told me that he really was forming a plan.

God! I hated that Tim and Arthur were even in the bunker with us.

I found out the next day that Tim called us ‘the schoolies’ and he called everyone else ‘the followers’ as though he looked down on us, no surprise there really.

That soon lead to him talking over other people and yawning if Angel was talking. After a week it became us and them; them being him and Arthur, and the beginning of a bitter relationship.

We didn’t agree on much, not even what was for tea. It felt like whatever any of us ‘schoolies’ said Tim would say the opposite. In fact the only thing we had agreed from the start was that we would stay in the bunker for a couple of weeks. Apparently, twenty-four hours was acceptable if the blast was far enough away but we didn’t know how far away it was and we had no means of finding out. Besides we had plenty of food and drinks, with the stock room for the War Centre shop and café being down there. 

Among the good things in our lives we, fortunately, also had a very old but working Geiger counter that was museumised with the other cold war relics. We used it to test for radiation around the door every morning by whoever awoke first and at night by whoever was last to bed.

We could see through the thick eye-wide glass in the door at the bottom of the stairs that there was no dust or rubble on the staircase, which meant it wasn’t compromised. So we knew the upper door was still intact and I for one slept alright knowing we were safe.

About ten days in we agreed that when it came to it someone would have to test the stairwell and if it was alright that person would test around the top door. If everything was alright there they would go outside and test the air. It was just a matter of who the tester would be and whether or not they would be allowed back inside the bunker.

Twisting a piece of cotton that was hanging from my tee shirt hem around my finger over and over, and trying to stop my teeth from grinding I listened to that conversation.

‘I think little miss know-it-all should go,’ Arthur mumbled pointing with his head toward Angel.

‘You don’t need to know anything to press a button on a Geiger counter,’ I sneered. ‘Idiot.’

‘Hey!’ he called out. ‘Who the hell do you think you’re talking to. I’m an adult you’re a kid. Have some respect.’

‘Yes you’re right,’ I said. ‘You are the adult and we are the kids. Therefore, you have the responsibility to take care of us. Maybe you should be the one to go outside... being the adult.’

‘You’re a cocky little shit aren’t you,’ he snarled as he quickly leaned over the desk.

‘And you’re an old pissy drunk whose fantastic job is, sorry past tense, was to mop the...’ I began.

‘Solomon,’ Angel suddenly said. ‘You don’t know why he’s like he is. Don’t be so quick to judge.’

‘I don’t need you on my side,’ Arthur snapped.

‘And you’re not getting me mate,’ she told him. ‘It’s my friend here who I’m concerned about. I don’t want him turning into someone like you.’

I loved that she seemed to be able to handle people with a few words.

‘Someone like me!’ he bawled. ‘For your information I had my own successful business before... Don’t you look down your nose at me young lady,’ he shook his head and pushed a long stream of air down his nose. ‘What’s the point.’

He went all red and bloaty faced when he was wound up and I flashed a smirk at Angel. But I realised she was looking past me to Mac, who was being fed broken chocolate pieces by Jayne, the young girl. She was the one who came running down the steps at the same time as Arthur.

I glanced at Logless and Fizz who were also watching our friend. I wondered how long shock lasted and what would happen with him when, or if, we left the bunker. Feeling the need to talk about my concerns I caught the eyes of the others with a quick chin lift and nodded toward the store room doorway where we met.

‘Sup?’ Fizz asked.

‘I’m worried about Mac,’ I told them. I think he needs somebody medical.’

‘He’s just in shock. It’ll pass won’t it,’ Logless asked.

‘Dunno,’ I said. ‘Point is how fit will he be to travel when the time comes if he’s still like this?’

Angel sighed.

‘Don’t know but he’s our mate and he doesn’t have anyone else so we can’t leave him here,’ she said.

‘Goes without saying,’ Fizz replied.

‘Not even suggesting it,’ I told them. ‘Never even entered my head. I was just asking how we’re gonna look out for him if he can’t even look out for himself, especially out there.’

Angel sighed again.

‘Well,’ she said. ‘We just will.’

Chapter 3.

On the morning of the eleventh day Angel asked if we wouldn’t all mind coming together.

‘Right,’ she said standing in front of us. ‘So, the thing is we haven’t yet chosen someone to test the outside, which will be happening in three days, and I wanted to know if anyone would like to volunteer.’

Arthur laughed, of course, and Tim shook his head as his mouth crept up at one side. By then I knew it was one of Tim’s traits when he was sort of ‘whatever’ about something. 

Mary, a quiet and timid woman, was the first to speak.

‘I want to say that I’m just not brave. I’m not the kind of person who would be the first to do anything. I’m too afraid,’ she told us without once looking up from her feet. ‘I’m sorry but I won’t be volunteering... I... I am sorry.’

‘That’s brave of you to tell us Mary,’ Angel said quietly. ‘To be fair I don’t think anyone is going to volunteer are they, which I kind of thought would happen. So, after thinking about it I have a suggestion. We put our names into a hat... or a box or something and pick out a name. I believe it’s the only fair thing to do. But! Honestly if anyone can think of another way I hope you’ll say as much.’

No one said anything for a while.

‘Right,’ Tim said. ‘If we’re all in agreement I think picking a name from a hat is a good idea.’

I noticed Angel’s eyebrows meet, like when she didn’t understand something, and I wondered what it was.

‘Great,’ Angel said letting her face loosen. ‘There’s just one thing. Does anyone mind if we don’t put Mac’s name in? I don’t think he would be capable of even pressing a button never mind opening a door at this point.’

Everyone was great about his situation and agreed it would be alright. Tim and Arthur didn’t even go against anyone, which seemed odd to me and I suddenly understood why Angel scowled at them. It was because she thought they were being odd too.

‘Thank you. Honestly,’ Angel said and flashed a little smile as she glanced around the room. ‘Right then. Can you all write your name... erm..’ she added picking up a small old wooden ticket box and emptying the old tickets out onto the desk. ‘So...’

We all lined up, even Tim and Arthur, and each wrote our name on a ticket and folding it in half placed it into the box.

‘Don’t worry so much Mary,’ I heard Angel whisper to the woman.

‘Right,’ she said once our names were all added. ‘We ready for this?’ She said shaking the box.

There were murmurings and mutterings and we waited while she dug her hand in. My heart was thudding so hard that I suddenly knew what it must feel like to have an alien burst out of my chest.

Angel pulled out a piece of paper and unfolded it. She looked straight at Mary and Mary’s eyes widened and immediately she fell back against the wall and gasped.

‘Oh god,’ Angel said. ‘Mary I’m so sorry.’

‘Well, we’ve still got a few days to go,’ Tim said smirking. ‘Long enough for you to get used to the idea.’

He and Arthur smiled subtly at each other and I swung a glance at Angel who was glaring at them.

‘You know what,’ she said. I noticed that everyone in the room was on pins while I was picking out a name. You two though... Well, neither of you seemed to be concerned in the slightest that one of you might have to be the first to go outside. Why?’

As she finished her sentence she opened the box and tipped the other names out onto the desk.

Tim suddenly stiffened.

Arthur got to his feet quickly and stared at the bits of paper.

‘Hmm,’ Angel murmured.

‘What’s going on?’ Mary asked. ‘Have I missed something?’

‘Don’t know yet,’ Angel said. ‘Just checking something.’

‘What’s happening?’ Evan asked. ‘I don’t get it.’ 

Angel went through each name and lifting her head slowly she looked Tim in the eyes.

‘What?’ I asked. ‘Don’t keep it to yourself.’

‘You should check the names,’ she suggested. ‘See if you can find either Tim or Arthurs. While you’re at it check how many times Mary’s name’s been put forward.’

We all stood up and surrounded the table while I went through the tickets.

‘Mary’s name... Two... Three times,’ I told her. ‘No Tim... No Arthur.’

The others turned to face the two men while me and Angel looked at each other. She shook her head and I saw the reddening in her face as it grew from her cheeks to her forehead.

‘If it was up to me I’d send you both out there right now to face the consequences,’ she called out as she slammed the box onto the table. ‘Instead I will write your names down and we’ll do it again.’

And that’s what happened. Unfortunately for Logless his was the name she pulled out of the box

I could tell by the way her eyebrows went up in the middle and how her eyes went down at the outer corners that she regretted her decision.

Of course Tim and Arthur were grinning smugly. God I hated them!

‘Now that’s sorted,’ Tim said nodding to a rail where two white hazmat suits were hanging. ‘Still, at least he has one of those to wear. Who’s going to wear the other and be guaranteed safety outside when the time comes?’

Angel’s face suddenly lost its rigidness and it seemed to sag while everyone began to chatter excitedly.

‘Yeah,’ she said quietening the rest of us by flattening the air with her hands. ‘Shush. Look, I’ve been thinking about this and if there’s radiation still out there I think two people can wear the suits and go and find somewhere safe. It’ll be a long process but when that’s done one can stay there and the other can come back with the spare suit for someone else. We can carry on like that until we’re all safe.’

‘And of course the first two people will be you two,’ Arthur claimed glancing from me to Angel and standing up he faced everyone. ‘Listen to me folks. They will leave us high and dry. Trust me. They’ll find somewhere and forget about us.’

‘Forget our friends too?’ I said. ‘You might be forgettable but they aren’t.’

‘We draw for it so fuck you!’ Angel suddenly growled at Arthur, obviously she’d had enough of him.

Apart from being taken aback by Angel’s response, I saw Arthur’s hand curl into a fist and Tim must have seen it too because he grabbed his arm and subtly shook his head. Arthur twisted his lips inwards and sighing raised his hands as though someone had a gun at his back.

‘Fine,’ he said.

On the thirteenth day we all came together for our last tea time and we seemed to be alright with each other. Even Tim seemed jovial and Arthur was pleasant, though neither of them spoke to me or Angel.

I don’t know if people were cheerier with the thought of leaving the stuffy bunker or because there would be more space for the others after some of us left, maybe it was because of something else, but anyway it was a nice day. However, on the morning of the fourteenth day some were kind of nervous, reluctant to leave.

‘Not to put a damper on things but why are we doing this?’ Jayne asked. ‘I mean if there’s gonna be nothing left for any of us out there what’ll be the point.’

I noticed Mac study her for a moment and in that moment I thought he’d come back to us. Instead he went back to staring into space.

‘We can’t be sure that there’s nothing left,’ Angel told Jayne kindly as she flung a dirty look at Tim. ‘No one, and I do mean no one, knows what’s out there. Honestly, we’ll only know when we open the door.’

‘I mean you could stay here a bit longer love,’ Tim said. ‘Me and Arthur are thinking about it.’

I noticed Jayne shudder.

‘Or you could come on an adventure with us,’ Angel suggested, maybe noticing the same thing. ‘I’ve no doubt it’ll be bad on the other side of those doors but equally there’s no doubt in my mind that there will be somewhere that the bomb hasn’t affected. We just have to find it.’

Jayne smiled a sad kind of unsure smile and nodded.

Angel replicated her nod and turned to me.

‘I heard Tim telling her the other day that leaving was pointless. That there’s nothing left anywhere. He really wants her to stay. I mean she’s a kid. She’s bound to be impressionable. Personally I think he’s a perv,’ Angel whispered to me. ‘Right,’ she told us all. ‘We should share out the food and water now. And,’ she added glancing to where Tim and Arthur were stood.

‘Watch them,’ Arthur said pointing to me and Angel. ‘Because those two will volunteer to sort it and while we’re distracted watching Logless go outside I guarantee they’ll be sneaking extra.’

‘Stop mate,’ I snapped. ‘No one’s taking more than their share and only someone who’s thought of doing it themselves would suggest it.’

‘Stop trying to cause friction. I mean it,’ Angel warned him. ‘And if you let me finish I was going to suggest we share the food now so there’s no arguing when the time comes to leave. I for one want to make a move A.S.A.P.’ 

‘Right mate,’ I said to Logless. ‘You want to get ready?’

Logless nodded.

‘Might as well,’ he replied sulkily.

We helped him into the white suite and finding the Geiger needle was pointing to normal we opened the first door.

‘I’m so sorry for picking you,’ Angel told him in a low voice.

He didn’t reply but his smile, though obscured by the white helmet, seemed to reassure her that it wasn’t her fault.

‘You’re gonna be fine,’ I told him adamant that he was going to be fine. ‘See you in a few minutes mate.’

The others muttered words of encouragement to him and closing the door behind him we watched him walk slowly up the stairs with the hand-held machine and we listened to the steady beep. There was a long pause as he hesitated at the top door. He seemed to gaze at the metal for ages and suddenly he glanced back. I could tell he was scared and that scared me. He smiled half-heartedly and turned back to face his future. I heard the squeaky twisting metal as he opened the door and the beep only wavered slightly.

I don’t know what we expected but I realised it must have been worse outside than he thought because he stood in the doorway staring out for a long time.

Returning he looked pale and more afraid than before. He showed us the Geiger counter face through the doors small window and we could see there was no problem and so opening the door we allowed him back in.

He was quiet as we all stared at him and my stomach churned.

It was weird that at that moment I suddenly and desperately wished I was at home with the sun coming through the window and with Mum making me eggs on toast. I wanted to smell the flowers easing in through the open top bit of the stable door in the kitchen and hear the birds cheeping. I wanted to hear the toaster pop up and the sandpapery sound the scraping of butter on the toast made. I wanted to hear the kettle click when it boiled to a stop and the sound of pouring hot water into a China mug. I wanted to hear my mum’s voice say ‘there you are love’ and the dull sound of a clay plate resting on the table cloth.’

‘You alright?’ Angel asked Logless waking me from my thoughts.

He nodded.

‘It’s... It’s awful,’ he said. ‘There’s nothing left. Really nothing. Nothing at all’

‘What do you mean nothing?’ Mary asked. ‘Like nobody’s out there?’

‘Nothing. No one,’ he replied.

‘Like they’ve all gone somewhere else or hiding?’ she asked.

‘Mary,’ he snapped. ‘I mean nothing. No-one and nothing to hide in.’

‘There has to be something,’ she demanded. The bus you lot came in. The canteen... The ticket office. Something?’

‘God woman. No people. No bus. No canteen. No bloody ticket office,’ he told her raising his voice with each word.

‘But...’ she began.

‘Nothing! Nothing but black dust blowing about in a cold wind,’ he shouted as he yanked at the suit. ‘Get this thing off me!’

‘Well at least we don’t have to worry about radiation or going back and forth to share a suit,’ Tim said glancing from the Geiger counter to the map that was laid out on the table. ‘But there are still other worries.’

‘What are you saying?’ Jayne asked him. ‘It’s gonna be hard to find a new place?’

‘He’s reiterating the fact that there might not be a new place,’ Arthur said with a condescending tone to his voice.

Angel sighed and shook her head shifting her eyes swiftly toward Arthur, without actually looking at him, and back again.

There was quiet. I glanced at Mac and suddenly I wished he would say something, do something, to let me know he was alright. Be normal. I was concerned but I didn’t know if it was for him or the rest of us who would have to look out for him.

Suddenly he glanced at me and smiled. It was a really quick smile that I barely noticed but he did smile. I scowled and was about to ask him if he was alright when Angel spoke.

‘I think we should be fine,’ Angel replied. ‘Tim?’

Again he nodded and shrugging he said, ‘I really don’t think there’s anything to worry about, as far as the blast is concerned, it was obviously far enough away that the fallout has practically dispersed now. I think it’ll be fine. We just don’t know how many nukes have been dumped around the country or where.’

‘Right,’ Angel replied.

We talked over our concerns and presumptions about the outside world for an hour or so before a few of us got up the nerve to go and look for ourselves. Standing in front of the closed top door behind Angel I heard her take a deep breath before she turned to look at me and pulled her scarf down from around her mouth and nose.

‘What if it’s really really bad? As bad as Logless made out?’ she asked in a whisper. ‘What if there isn’t anywhere we can... What if no one else is even alive?’

I had never seen her concerned in that way before and somehow it seemed to make her look weak and I was suddenly disappointed in her.

‘Well,’ I replied, maybe a bit harsh. ‘We’ll never know if you don’t open the bloody door.’

She scowled at me.

‘What?’ I said. ‘God’s sake just go.’

‘Hey!’ she said staring me in the eyes. ‘Don’t ever talk to me like that again,’ and turning away added. ‘Wanker.’

And just like that she wanged the door open and stepped outside. She glanced around and I heard her gasp. Turning to me her pale face seemed to grow longer, as if every part of it was melting toward her chest.

‘What?’ I asked leaving the safety of the bunker. ‘What is it?’

Chapter 4.

Pulling her scarf back over her mouth and nose she turned away from me and I followed as she walked into the open. There was no sun but there was a faint hazy light trying to force itself through the dark daylight sky. It was like a storm that effected the entire land except there was