Well that is that im never getting back. If this series is on your TBR take it off. Now. I mean it.
there are spoilers in this review, you have been Well that is that im never getting back. If this series is on your TBR take it off. Now. I mean it.
there are spoilers in this review, you have been warned, however, since you wont be reading this book i doubt that will be of much concern
You know, you can tell that this book was written in 2013, it just has that feel, and how boring it was.
There is just so much wrong with this book
Lets start off with how bad of a main character Gwen is. Honestly, I have never read about a more annoying character, and ive read some bloody annoying characters. All she does is whine about how a guy she meet a week ago doesnt love her.
Yup, totally makes sooo much sense because someone could totally fall in love with someone in a week, let alone HER.
And talking about that talk about freaking unrealistic. Shes having temper tantrums over a guy talking talking to other girls. Like gurl you've KNOWN him for a WEEK. Calm the fuck down. Its not that deep. Talk about over reacting.
And the thing is that the boy she is obsessing over is 19. When she is 16. I smell something illegal going on. AND the fact that somehow they must be related. See Gwens parents are Lucy and Paul DE VILLIER right. And the boy she is obsessed with is Gideon DE VILLIERS. Soo the de villiers are one big family right, so somehow Paul and and Gideon are related and so that means that somehow Gwen and Gideon are related and they are in love? Sounds illegal once again.
Don't you just love it.
Also, the entire time they were going on about how since time travel is in the past events have already happened but the people in the present will travel back in time and make that true because in the past they have already done whatever but they will travel back in the future to do that, so its pretty confusing.
Anyways onto the point, this rule had been doing pretty well UNTIL fucking Gwen decided she would give her ghost frind in the past a vaccine to make sure he would not die. But the thing is if she went into the past he shouldent exist in the present right because he didnt die of small pox and didnt become a ghost?
i know its a bit of a brain twister but like if the author has been writing about this surely she should be able to figure it out right?
ANDDDD, i know im going on but i have to say this, Gideon is the worst book guy ever. What the actual hell. Im so done with him.
i honestly hate this book and the only reason that i read the entire book series was to see if my theories from book one were correct.
This book makes Twilight look good and we all know how I feel about Twilight.
So basically I was like: Should I read the books? And thank god a very wiThis book makes Twilight look good and we all know how I feel about Twilight.
So basically I was like: Should I read the books? And thank god a very wise friend of mine told me to spend my time doing something I would actually enjoy rather than reading this rubbish. But I have watched the movie so here ya go:
To all those who enjoyed this book I am sorry but I am about to TRASH it.
*Disclamer* this review will have mentions of BDSM, sex, sex toys and senstive topics surrounding this, if you do not wish to read this please do not. *
So we have a main character called Anastasia or Ana, who is your normal girl: brown hair, brown eyes. But when Mr Chistian Grey meets her in an interview and is INSTANTLY charmed by her because she IS NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS. Because she is clumsy and QUIRKY.
Seriously Bella and Ana could be sisters at this rate.
I hate these characters so much I decided to rename them because why not? Ana: Bella 2.0 because at this rate they are basically the same person Christian Grey: Mr Toxic because well he is the most toxic ‘love interest’ if you could even call him that!!
So anyways Bella 2.0 catches the attention of Mr Fucking Toxic because she has brown hair and eyes because that is so very special. And she goes in to interview him because he is a BIG BILLIONAIRE who everyone seems to love for some reason even though he looks like a baby?? ANYWAYS she goes into this interview and makes a total fool of herself by falling on the floor, not having a pen you know the drill. Mr Toxic is just so charmed by this because Bella 2.0 IS NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS and is SpEsHuL. *rolls eyes dramatically*
AND THEN THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SUPER FUCKED UP. He visits her at the hardware store where she works and there is all this ‘sexual tension’ what pish posh, where Bella 2.0 is biting her lip every two seconds (seriously how is it not bleeding already?) where Mr Toxic gets tape, rope and cable ties. (Wonder what that could be for?)
And then we skip forward past all the boring shit because who cares about that. WE WANT TO GET INTO THE RANTTT
NOW, Mr Toxic takes her to his house and leads her to his SEX DUNGEON because where else would take a girl you just meet?! AND SHE WALKS IN AND FINDS A BED WITH ROPE AND TAPE AND HANCUFFS AND ALL THESE FUCKED UP SEX TOYS THAT HE OWNS. AND SHE DOESN’T RUN AWAY!!! GIRL IF I WERE IN YOUR PLACE I WOULD HAVE RAN BEFORE MR TOXIC SAID ‘WELCOME TO MY PLAYROOM’ BUT SHE DOES NOT, INSTEAD SHE LETS MR TOXIC TIE. HER. UP LIKE GIRL, WHAT IF HE IS SECRETLY A SERIAL KILLER AND PLANS TO MURDER YOU? (on second thought that would be way better because then we would not have to suffer through THREE more books) BUT NO SHE STANDS THERE, AS USELESS AS A ROCK AND LETS HIM TIE HER UP!!! AND THEN WHILE SHE IS TIED UP HE HAS SEX WITH HER (I DID NOT HEAR CONSENT!!!)
AND THEN HE FINISHES AND LEAVES (BRO WHAT ABOUT HER??? DID SHE FINISH??? I DONT THINK SO!!!)
AND THEN THIS GOES ON UNTIL MR TOXIC IS LIKE ‘Hey bro wanna submit your entire will to me?’ MY FEMINIST HEART IS BURNING WITH RAGE And shes like ‘I’ll think about it send over the dets’ LIKE IT IS NO BIG DEAL.
Apparently the purpose of this “Contract”, he’s written up, is so that the submissive can “Explore her sensuality, and her limits safely”. Can YOU spot something wrong with this? (Yes I am becoming Dora the Explorer)
THEN SHE GOES HOME AND LOOKS OVER THIS CONTRACT WITH THE FUCKED UP DETAILS LIKE: “The submissive will obey any instruction given by the dominant, and will do so eagerly, and without hesitation”. (YEA BECAUSE WHY WOULDN’T WE WANT TO BE BOSSED AROUND AND FORCED TO BE EVER SO HAPPY ABOUT IT??!??!?!?!?!) “The submissive will not touch the dominant without his expressed permission to do so” (OH I’M SORRY I DIDN’T KNOW THIS “RELATIONSHIP” WAS A ONE WAY STREET) “The dominant may flog, spank, whip, or corporally punish the submissive”(FUCK NO BITCH WE ARE WOMEN NOT CREEPY ASS SEA CREATURES) “Does the submissive agree to the use of butt / vag plugs” (WTF….you know what...we won’t even go there) “How much pain, is the submissive willing to experience?” (HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN A QUESTION!?!?! I KNOW SOME PEOPLE LIKE IT BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT HER TO SAY TO THAT?) More explicit things like: anal / vag fisting (To which she declined, GO GIRL) Genital clamps (Her response was “Absolutely not”!! I definitely like the use of the word ‘No’) Bondage (Rather self-explanatory) SUSPENSION (......YUP YOU HEARD RIGHT, TO HANG HER FROM THE CEILING, BELLA 2.0 ASKED WHY, HE SAID IT WAS FOR HER PLEASURE!!!!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT, THAT RIGHT THERE IS THE BIGGEST RED FLAG, BELLA 2.0 YOU SHOULD BE RUNNING!!!!)
MY FEMISNIST HEART IS SHUDDERING WITH RAGE.
AND WHILE THIS IS GOING ON THEY HAVE SOME SEXY EMAILS GOING ON LIKE HUH, WHAT, I THOUGHT WE AGREED THAT WE DONT LIKE HIM??
AND THEN THEY GO INTO A BUSINESS MEETING AND THEY TALK ABOUT ALL THIS AND WHAT SHE IS NOT TO DO. SHE GETS TURNED ON BY THIS WHAT???HUH?? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE??????
AND THEN WHEN I THOUGHT IT WOULD NOT GET ANY WORSE, HE HAS THE AUDACITY TO SAY: “I want to fuck you into next week” IF A MAN EVER SAID THAT TO ME I WOULD BE GONE. WHO THE FUCK THINKS THAT IS OK TO SAY TO A WOMAN. I HAVE THE ICK!!!!!!
And then they go off to Mr Toxic’s house and do the devil's tango *evil laugh* multiple times. NOW THEN THIS IS WHERE IT GETS REAL JUICY. She finds out about the other subs and how submissive they are compared to her because she is SpEsHuL. And then she ASKS HIM TO PUNISH HER.
AND SO THAT IS WHAT HE DOES HE WHIPS HER 6 TIMES ON THE BACK FIRST OFF WHAT. THE. FUCK WE ARE HUMAN WHY ARE YOU WHIPPING US?????? AND THEN SHE THROWS A FUCKING TANTY BECAUSE HE DID WHAT SHE ASKED STUPID STUPID GIRL, YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE ASKED TO GET PUNISHED IF YOU COULD NOT HANDLE IT. There is so much wrong with this scene, first off Bella 2.0 should not have asked for him to punish her, and secondly, HE should not have done it!!
AND THEN BECAUSE OF ALL THIS SHE RUNS AWAY. THATS THE END WHOOPIE (Well not really we have two more books of this absolute shit)
So that's fun.
I’m so sorry if you got to the end of this review, welcome to the traumatised side of the world. We both need therapy now. *bows*...more
TW: *Sexual Assault, death of a parent, emotional manipulating, assault* there will be mentions of these in my review. There will also be spoilers in tTW: *Sexual Assault, death of a parent, emotional manipulating, assault* there will be mentions of these in my review. There will also be spoilers in this review, take care
Let's play a game, shall we? I like to call it 'take a shot every time there was a red flag' ...more
I was exited to read this book, I love contemporary or literally anything with romance. I am a flexible reader but this book was not for me. The familI was exited to read this book, I love contemporary or literally anything with romance. I am a flexible reader but this book was not for me. The family had so many children with SIMILAR SOUNDING NAMES. I can normally keep up with a story but this one was so confusing. I got the basic premise that she was not allowed to talk to the neighbours because they were "loud and messy" which I think is a bit of a stupid reason to hate someone. And then there were like 6 siblings and I had no idea who was who because the names all sounded the same. The book was not bad per se but was so confusing that I could not keep up with the story.
I may go back to this story one day and try to reread, but I can't do that right now....more
I honestly didn't think that Twilight could get any worse but here this book stands.
Warning: There will be major spoilers for the whole series and thI honestly didn't think that Twilight could get any worse but here this book stands.
Warning: There will be major spoilers for the whole series and there will be swearing.
Holey mother fucker of god, I just remembered what happened in this book and WOW.
As per usual the names will be as follows:
Edward: Mr Light Bulb. Because apparently vampires sparkle in the sun now instead of burning? Bella: Little Miss Dumb: Because well aparently someone who wants you for your blood is attractive? Hmnh, I don’t think so. Jacob: Fuzz balls: I don’t think I need to explain.
Right shall we go over what happens in this book?
LETS NOT FORGET THAT BELLA WANTS TO BE TURNED INTO A VAMPIRE AND TO DO THAT SHE HAS TO MARRY EDWARD AT 18 YEARS OF AGE!!
So I'm going to skip over the part where they visit the mum because that is not important and well nothing interesting happens. What did you expect? It's TWILIGHT?!
And then we find out that there are newborns out to kill Miss Dumb because shes SPESHUL and there is no one else like her. AKA the definition of ‘I'M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS’
And of course Mr Fuzz Balls is there because WHAT WOULD A YA FANTASY BOOK BE WITHOUT A 'I'M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS’ GIRL AND TWO BOYS SUDDENLY IN LOVE WITH HER
And GUESS WHAT HAPPENS??????? MR FUZZ BALLS KISSES HER YES, YOU HEARD RIGHT They KISS And you must be thinking: DOESN'T SHE WANT TO CHANGE HER LIFE FOR EDWARD? YES, YOU ARE RIGHT BUT SHE STILL KISSES HIM
AND NOW WHAT YOU MUST ASK? HOW COULD THIS BOOK BECOME ANY BETTER???
Well lucky for you I'm here to tell you!! So the vampires who SPARKLE and the wolves who ARE MAD form an alliance to protect Miss Dumb because she is SPESHUL and no one can ever compare to her?! MISS DUMB YOU ARE LITTERALLY LIKE EVERY OTHER GIRL!!! YOU HAVE BROWN HAIR BROWN EYES AND YOUR ONLY QUIRK IS THAT YOU HATE THE COLD! OH WAIT YOU ARE LITERALLY DATING THE COLDEST THING EVER
AND THEN EDWARD FINDS OUR BUT HE IS NOT MAD AT ALL BECAUSE HE IS A FEMINIST AND IS TOTALLY FINE WITH HIS GF KISSING HOTTER MEN.
AND THEN WE FIND OUT THAT BELLA IS IN LOVE WITH NOT ONE BUT TWO BOYS BOTH. WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. FIRST OFF HOW DID YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH FUZZ BALLS IN SUCH A SHORT SPAN OF TIME?! OH WAIT BECAUSE YOU HAVE ONE BRAIN CELL.. *Inhales sharply*
And now we have the BIG war WHERE NO ONE DIES! I would be so happy if Miss Dumb died. SO THEY KILL ALL OF THE NEWBORNS BECAUSE STRENGTH AND POWER AND WHAT NOT. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I was so sad th Miss Dumb didn’t die, the world would have been a better place.
ANDDDDDDDDDDDDD THEN THE BABY FACE VAMPIRES COME TO CLEAN UP And BECAUSE LIGHT BULB DOESN'T WANNA BITE BELLA THEY SEE SHE IS STILL HUMAN AND I OP--- AND BECAUSE SHE ISN'T THEY ARE LIKE ‘OH YAY WE GET TO KILL HER’ BUTTTTTTTTT NOOOOOOOO LIGHT BULB SAYS THAT THEY HAVE A DATE TO KILL HER AND BRING HER BACK TO LIFE. It's like setting a date on when you are going to first kiss. LUDACRIS
So they leave and everyone takes a deep breath in relief while i'm sad because they didn't kill her *cries*
AND THENNNNNN MISS DUMB CHOSES LIGHT BULB *cue cheering* BECAUSE SHE IS MORE IN LOVE WITH HIM THEN FUZZ BALLS.
And then Fuzz Balls lets her go SO EASILY like bro FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU LOVE!!!!
And of course Miss Dumb ‘felt out of place all of her life, but with Edward around she feels complete and stronger’ *VOMITS*
AND THEN BECAUSE BELLA WANTS TO BE DEAD SOOOOO MUCH SHE ACCEPTS TO MARRY LIGHT BULB. And then are like we should tell Charlie HELL YEA GIRL YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR DAD THAT YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED AT THE AGE OF 18!!!!
Now laugh with me as we look at the amazing quotes:
“Look after my heart - I've left it with you.” EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. To be honest no I cannot. Coming from a glittering vampire IT IS SO CRINGE!!!
“Did you seriously just stamp your foot? I thought girls only did that on TV.” NO SHE STAMPED HE FOOT BECAUSE SHE IS SPESHUL.
Ok I am done I cannot read anymore of Stephanie Meyers horrible writing.
And ofc we have the characters:
Little Miss Dumb:: Still dumb, still SPESUL, still horrible.
Mr Light Bulb: Still wants to eat Miss dumb as a snack
Mr Fuzz balls:: Still better and hotter than Light Bulb and Miss Dumb REJECTS HIMMMMM
So overall this book was pointless and my brain has suffered from the book.
P.S me and one of my best friends are writing a five part review on the twilight series.
Here we are at the very end of the series, THANK FUCK ITS ENDED. Now you may be thinking: Zoe, how could Twilight get any worse? I am about to go on foHere we are at the very end of the series, THANK FUCK ITS ENDED. Now you may be thinking: Zoe, how could Twilight get any worse? I am about to go on for a good 3 pages and tell you exactly how.
SOME SHIT WENT DOWNNN IN THIS BOOK SO I HAVE A LOT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT!!!
Warning: There will be spoilers and swearing in this review.
I'm sure you already know their names but if ya dont here ya go:
Edward: Mr Light Bulb. Because apparently vampires sparkle in the sun now instead of burning? Bella: Little Miss Dumb: Because well aparently someone who wants you for your blood is attractive? Hmph, I don’t think so. Jacob: Fuzz balls: I don’t think I need to explain.
Soooooooooooooooo, this book is exactly 754 pages of me laughing at how amazing Stepheine Meyer is for thinking all of this is a good idea. Yes, I counted! OK! YOUR WELCOME!!
SOOOOOOOOOOOOO. SOME SHIT GOES DOWN IN THIS BOOK AND WOWEE DOES IT GET ON MY NERVES.
So, Little Miss Dumb and Light Bulb are getting married *crowd cheers* AND SHE IS 18 YEARS OLD MARRYING AN OLD MAN IN A TEENAGERS BODY *crowd boos*
HOW IN THE WORLD HER FATHER AND HER MOTHER ARE OK WITH THAT IS WAYYYYY OVER MY HEAD. AND SOOOO THEY get married ALL BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO DIE AND THEN COME BACK ALIVE FOR HIM SOOOOOOO THEN THEY GET MARRIED AND OFF THEY GO ON THEIR HONEYMOON. HOW TF DID HER DAD AGREE TO THIS??!!
Anyways they go off on their HONEYMOON and DO THE DEVILS TANGO. *EVIL LAUGH*
Not even a DAY after they do the devils tango she eats some chicken and vomits. NOT THINKING IT COULD BE UNDERCOOKED OR MAYBE IT WAS FOOD POISONING. She's like ‘OH SHIT I'M PREGNANT’. BRO THE SWIMMERS CAN’T SWIM THAT FAST. CALM TF DOWN. Now you might be wondering WHY she thinks that a human girl can get pregnant from AN IMMORTAL SPARKLING VAMPIRE?!?!!!!????
ANDDDD THEN Light Bulb goes into shock AND TURNS INTO A HUMAN VAMPIRE ROCK!!!
Then DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN they go home and Carlile is like MISS DUMB IS PREGNANT FOR REALS Then Miss Dumb DOESNT TELL HER DAD SHE IS PREGNANT.
THEN WE GET SO LONG OF HER BEING PREGNANT AND THE BABYS A VAMPIRE SO SHE DRINKS BLOOD *Vomits* AND SHE LIKES IT AND DRINKS IT LIKE I DRINK MY COFFEE.
THEN SHE GETS SO FAT FROM THE BABY BUT DOESN’T GIVE UP BC ITS SPESHUL AND NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS.
Like mother like daughter
AND THEN HER SPINE BREAKS AND WHILE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLOODSUCKERS SHE GIVES BIRTH TO A HUMAN/VAMPIRE
AND NO ONE KILLS HER OR THE BABY
Talk about unrealistic.
AND THEN SHE DIES (DUN DUN DUN) BUT WAIT, VAMPIRES CAN BRING HER BACK TO LIFE SO LIGHT BULB BITES HER (admit it buddy you’ve always wanted to eat her like a snack)
And she sleeps peacefully painfully.
Then she awakes and SHE HAS RED EYES. And they go for a run (pretty dumb for a newborn vampire) And Miss Dumbs like: OMFG I LOVE BEING DEAD!!!! I can run FAST I can SMELL HOW BAD EVERYONE IS I look even paler (if that's possible) AND NOW I CRAVE BLOOD
Anddddddd, she smells fresh blood from a rock climber and is like DANG I NEED A TASTE OF THAT FRESH YUMMMMMYYYYY BLOOD.
BUT WAIT BECAUSE SHE IS SPESHUL AND IS NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS SHE RESISTS JUST BECOMING A VAMPIRE AND RUNS AWAY FROM FRESH BLOOD.
ANDDD THEN SHE: Beats Emmet in a hand restle And nearly kills Fuzz Balls
Now you are probably thinking, where has Fuzz Balls been this whole time? Well remember when Bella gave birth to her child? AND YESSS THE NAME IS RENESMEE (BISHHHHH what name is that????!!!!)
And then remember when she was in a coma after Light Bulbs venom got rid of her humanity? Well yea, that whole time, Fuzz Balls was adoring Bellas daughter and IMPRINTED ON HER (AKA making her his mate) Yes, THE WHOLE REASON FUZZ BALLS WAS ATTRACTED TO BELLA BECAUSE THERE WAS ONE EGG INSIDE OF BELLA THAT HE WAS GONNA IMPRINT ON
And because of that we get the iconic line “YOU IMPRINTED ON MY DAUGHTER!??!?!” And “ YOU NAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE LOCH-NESS MONSTER?!?!?”
And then the happy couple get into a fight with the vampire baby government bc there daughter is illegal. And there is this whole fight lalalallalla. But I dont care about that.
So after all of that Miss Dumb and Light Bulb go off to a cabin because the family did not want to hear them do the devils tango because they can now do that without Light Bulb killing Miss Dumb.
This book was by FAR the worst out of all of them and I can’t believe I ever read this TWICE. Young Zoe was not a good Zoe.
PS. This is a five part series where me and one of my best friends write reviews about Twilight.
A big shout out to another one of my best friends TY for editing this mess of a review for me!!
You know what I do when I’m feeling bad? I think at least I’m not Bella Swan
Welcome to part two of why the Twilight series should die in a dumpster fYou know what I do when I’m feeling bad? I think at least I’m not Bella Swan
Welcome to part two of why the Twilight series should die in a dumpster fire.
You know what I did today? I didn’t watch Twilight…..thank god I didn’t want to lose any more brain cells But I thought why not enlighten all of you to my opinion of the Twilight series so here we are again.
And as last time we are going to be referring as the characters as
Edward: Mr Light Bulb. Because apparently vampires sparkle in the sun now instead of burning? Bella: Little Miss Dumb: Because well aparently someone who wants you for your blood is attractive? Hmnh, I don’t think so. Jacob: Fuzz balls: I don’t think I need to explain.
This review will have major spoilers for this and the rest of the series so you have been warned. Also there will be swearing.
Shall we take a look at what the back of my New Moon book says?
FOR BELLA SWAN THERE IS ONE THING more important than life itself: Edward Cullen. But being in love with a vampire is even more dangerous than Bella could ever have imagined. Edward has already rescued Bella from the clutches of one evil vampire, but now, as their daring relationship threatens all that is near and dear to them, they realize their troubles may be just beginning....
Here, ladies and gentleman, we have the amazing writing skills of Stephanie Meyer.
Honestly AFTER A MONTH OR SO MR LIGHT BULB IS THE ‘BEST THING IN HER LIFE?!?’ YESS 111 I WOULD LIKE TO REPORT A CRIME
Oh my god I did not think the most dumb girl ever can get any more dumber but here we have this book 600 pages of Bella having no brain cells.
BUT SOMEEEHOW SHE BECAME SO DUMB WORDS CANNOT DESRCIBE.
Oh dear, where do I even start?
SO FIRST MR LIGHT BULB LEAVE BECAUSE HE THINKS IT WILL BE BETTER FOR HER BECAUSE THEY ARE VAMPIRES AND WILL KILL HER AT ANY SECOND.
So apparently now Miss Dumb has crippling depression because her Vampire boyfriend has left her *takes a deep breath* I’m so all she does is sit there for a good four months thinking over how much she loved and adored the person I want to kill her. But then suddenly she had an accident and she heard Light Bulbs' beautifully soothing voice. *vomits* In reality his voice is just the same as every other teenage boy no wait no teenage boy AN 100 YEAR OLD MAN.
So now she does crazy shit to hear his voice LIKE JUMPING OFF A DAMN CLIFF. And then of course Mr Fuzz Balls is there to save her every single time because he’s Mr nice guy but NO Bella can’t go for Mr nice guy she has to go for the guy who WANTS TO KILL HER. *takes another deep breath*
AND THEN THE VISION VAMP has a vision Bella committing suicide basically and told Loght Blub and now Light Bulb distraught because the LOVE OF HIS LIFE ,now let’s not forget that he left her, is now dead in his eyes. So now he goes to the vampire government that all look like babies. AND ASKS THEM TO KILL HIM BECAUSE HE CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT MISS DUMB. Let’s take this moment to remember that YOU LEFT HER!!!!!!!
And ofc the baby vamp government says NO you cannot kill yourself because some girl died! AND THEY HAVE A GOOD REASON.
AND SO THE ONLY LOGICAL STEP TO DO NEXT IS TO GO OUT INTO THE SUNLIGHT AND ✨SPARKLE✨ but OK WAIT MISS DUMB HAS COME TO SAVE HIM! CUE THE DRAMATIC MUSIC ...more
edit: glorifying toxic relationships to young readers will never be cool
So….. you know what I did today? I watched twilight...AGAIN. I don’t know WHY,edit: glorifying toxic relationships to young readers will never be cool
So….. you know what I did today? I watched twilight...AGAIN. I don’t know WHY, but I did. And I hated it so much I decided to share it with the world.
I hate the characters names so much that I have given them new ones:
Edward: Mr Light Bulb. Because apparently vampires sparkle in the sun now instead of burning? Bella: Little Miss Dumb: Because well apparently someone who wants you for your blood is attractive? Hmnh, I don’t think so. Jacob: Fuzz balls: I don’t think I need to explain.
This review will have major spoilers for this and the rest of the review so you have been warned. Also there will be swearing.
Right, let's goooooooooo...
Love Triangle: Everyone I have ever met is ALWAYS team Mr Light Bulb which I don't get because he is literally freezing and wants so suck your blood? I am team Jacob because well, HE IS WARM AND DOESN'T WANT TO KILL ME?!!!! Hang on…. No I know what should have happened, Little Miss Dumb should have DIED. Then we wouldn't have to suffer through FOUR MORE twilight books. People are fucked up. *takes a deep breath*
Little Miss Dumb:: Oh dear, I don’t even know where to start with this girl. No actually I take that back. WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRLS BRAIN?!? A MR LIGHT BULB IS LIKE ‘NA MISS DUMB SMELLS BAD’ AND THEN MISS DUMBS LIKE OHHHHH A SEXY GUY DOESN’T LIKE HOW I SMELL, I WOVEEEEE HIM. GURL PLEASE HAVE ONE BRAIN CELL. PLEASEEEEEE.
AND THEN THIS HAPPENS:
“About three things I was absolutely positive about. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”
IF I FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS A VAMPIRE AND WANTED MY BLOOD I WOULD BE PACKING MY BAGS AND HEADING FOR THE HILLS. AND SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM SO FAST LIKE GURL WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!
“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…" he murmured. I looked away, hiding my eyes as I thrilled to the word. "What a stupid lamb," I sighed. "What a sick, masochistic lion.”
This is the only time Mr Light Bulb is right wow this is so PREDATORY. YES YOU ARE A SICK MASOCHISTIC LION LIGHT BULB.
AND THEN WE HAVE THE BASEBALL GAME, WHERE ANOTHER VAMPIRE LOVES THE SMELL OF HER BLOOD. HOW MANY PEOPLE LIKE HER? OH WAIT I FORGOT ‘SHE IS NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS’. SHE’S SPESHUL. HE BLOOD ATTRACTS SPARKLING VAMPIRES.
AND THEN BECAUSE OF SO CALLED ‘RELATIONSHIP WITH EDWARD SHE CUT ALL OF HERE FRIENDS AND HER DAD OUT OF HER LIFE ALL FOR A BOY WHO WANTS TO KILL HER?!!!!!??!?!?
AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE AGE GAP. THAT IS ILLEGAL PEOPLE. ILLEGAL. I REPEAT. ILLEGAL
And then not even halfway through the book we get…. “You are my life now.” Like wow, just a bit quick don't ya think? Oh wait I forgot Miss Dumb has no BRAIN CELLS.
AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT SHE HAS AS MUCH PERSONALITY AND EMOTION AS THE DUST UNDER MY BED.
Mr Light Bulb: I don’t think anyone realised that LIGHT BULB IS A STALKER. THAT IS BAD BEHAVIOUR WATCHING SOMEONE SLEEP. STALKERISH!!! Also how THE HELL did MISS DUMB still look attractive while she was still asleep?! Because if a boy *shudders* watching me sleep I would make them run away by my appearance.
Bella x Edward::
WHERE WAS THE CHEMISTRY?! IT WAS AS EXISTENT AS MISS DUMBS COMMON SENSE
This is the time to say that Miss Dumb and Light Bulbs relationship was extremely toxic, please don’t romanticize something that would affect someones mental health in real life, thank you!
Mr Fuzz balls:: This was the only character that I liked in the first 3 books because He didn't want to kill Miss Dumb He didn't want to suck Miss Dumbs blood He was WARM and not as ‘cold as marble’ He is actually attractive unlike Light Bulb He was nice He wasn't controlling HE DIDN’T SPY ON HER WHILE SHE SLEPT He is nice He was relatable So overall he was WAY BETTER than Light Bulb….. And THENNNNNN in the fourth book we find out the only reason he was attracted to Miss Dumb was because she had one egg inside of her that would produce his mate?! How FUCKED UP IS THAT??! First Miss Dumb and Light Bulbs age gap and now Fuzz Balls and Miss Dumbs egg age gap?!?
Oh for FUCKS SAKE I AM DONE WITH THIS ILLEGAL SHIT. *takes another deep breath*
Cullen Fam: Rosalie: Yea na, she was a stone-cold blond basic bitch Jesper: He reminded me of the weird kid in class that everyone was scared of Emmet: Meh Alice: She was one character I actually liked, she was the older sister you always wanted. Carlisle: I praise him for sticking to medicine and getting over blood to help people. Esme: She was such a nice mother
Ok I'm done with the characters now my random rant:
SO THE BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN SHE CUT HER FINGER A LIL BIT AND IT WAS LIKE A LAMB IN A DEN WITH LIONS (if you get it you get it). WOWZIE NO.
THIS BOOK READS LIKE A WATTPAD BOOK A 12-YEAR-OLD WROTE
AND TO BE HONEST I WOULD RATHER GO TO THE GYM THAN READ THIS. AND I HATE TO EXERCISE!
So overall Light Bulb is a stalker, Miss Dumb has no brain cells and THIS WHOLE BOOK IS PROBLEMATIC!!
P.S. One of my best friends and I wrote this review and it will be a five-part series with all of the books!
To say the least I hated this book. I have no IDEA why I didn’t DNF it but I wish that I did.
I hated all the characters but for my baby Nikolai (it'sTo say the least I hated this book. I have no IDEA why I didn’t DNF it but I wish that I did.
I hated all the characters but for my baby Nikolai (it's ok b he's still YOUR hubby. Aarons still mine *glares around defensively* )
*heaves a sigh* This review is gonna be hella long so buckle up
Alina This girl infuriated me so much she had like no personality. Her only personality trait was that she was SpEShUl. Pshhhh. Shut up girl we get it, you're the only one who can get rid of the fold. Ok. Whatever. You know what this girl should have stayed single because she and Mal had no chemistry. Nikolai was WAY too good for her. I love enemies to lovers but not with the darkling.
Mal Mal, Mal, Mal. I wished you died. That is how much I despise you. (view spoiler)[I cheered when he died and cried when he came back to life. (hide spoiler)]I hated him with a passion. I mean he was afraid of Alinas powers. Huh? Bro get a grip on yourself! Also the I am become the blade was such a dumb idea but I guess it fits with his personality.
The Darkling Meh, I didn't care for him at all but, ON THE NETFLIX SHOW THIS MAN: [image] HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN PLAY HIM
Nikolai I was so sad I had very little Nikolai in this book. To be honest I would have enjoyed this way more if he was included more because he is the only character with a personality. I wish he was there more.
Plot
I honestly remember nothing from this book apart from the last 50 pages and that was because of what happened. If you know, you know.
From what I remember it was ok, but they spent soooooo longggggg of the book walking and searching. Like Mal, you're supposed to be a master tracker, why is it taking you so long? HUH? Oh wait I forgot, you are as useful as a piece of dirt. No, dirt can be useful. He is as useful as the dust bunny under my bed.
WHAT WAS THAT ENDING HUH???? I HATED IT SO MUCH. IT WAS SO UNDERWHELMING AFTER THREE BOOKS OF THIS TRASH.
World building
I have got to admit, the world building is very good. The magic system is intricate and interesting. The world Map was thought out which is good. I can´t wait to explore more of the Grishaverse soon!
WELL I THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH TWILIGHT BUT HERE WE ARE AGAIN
AFTER RECOVERING FROM THE FANTASY READING SLUMP THIS FUCKING BOOK PUT ME IN I HAVE DECIDWELL I THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH TWILIGHT BUT HERE WE ARE AGAIN
AFTER RECOVERING FROM THE FANTASY READING SLUMP THIS FUCKING BOOK PUT ME IN I HAVE DECIDED TO SHARE WITH THE WORLD HOW MUCH I HATE THIS BOOK.
*Disclaimer: This review will have swearing and spoilers, i'm sorry if this is one of your favourite books, if it is please do not leave hate comments this is my opinion, Thank you*
*jumps on book* *throws it repeatedly against the wall* *hits it with a hammer* *throws it into the fire and watches it burn with pleasure*
I DO NOT KNOW HOW THE HELL THIS BOOK HAS A 4.30 STAR AVERAGE ON GOODREADS. I MEAN THIS TRASH? HOW? WHO IS GIVING OUT FOUR AND FIVE STARS TO THIS BOOK?
LET ME START OFF TALKING ABOUT HOW BIZARE THIS WHOLE BOOK IS AND WHY IT WAS EVER PUBLISHED.
SO THE FIRST 25% OF THIS FUCKING BOOK IS THEM TALKING ABOUT ASCENDING AND ALL THIS SHIT THAT I DONT GIVE A FUCKING SHIT ABOUT. AND THE AUTHOR DOESN’T EVEN TELL US STUFF THAT IS IMPORTANT. AND WHEN SHE DOES, SHE DOES IT IN SUCH A WEIRD WAY SO THAT I DONT UNDERSTAND IT. LIKE HUH???
AND THEN WE MEET OUR ‘HEROINE’ WHO IS ‘NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS’ what pish posh. And her name is Penellaphe LIKE WHAT NAME IS THAT???? HUH?! AND SHE LITERALLY DOES NOTHING BUT WALK AROUND THE CASTLE FOR HALF THE BOOK AND TALKS ABOUT HOW BADASS SHE IS BUT SHE DOES NOTHING
*takes a deep breath*
FOR ONE QUARTER OF THIS BOOK I WAS WAITING WITH BAITED BREATH FOR THIS HAWKE GUY YA’LL WERE SIMPING OVER. MY EXPECTATIONS WERE SO HIGH BUT I HAD TO DIG TO FIND THEM. THAT'S HOW MUCH I HATED HIM. AND HE WAS A FUCKING VAMPIRE!!! I AM DONE WITH THIS FIRST EDWARD CULLEN AND NOW THIS??? I AM DONE WITH GUYS WHO LOVE THE GIRL BECAUSE THEY WANNA EAT EM LIKE A FUCKING CANDY BAR. I HATE VAMPIRES SO MUCH AND IF I READ ANOTHER FUCKING BOOK WHERE THEY LIKE THE LOVE INTEREST BECAUSE SHE TASTES GOOD I WILL BE PASSING AWAY.
AND HE IS SO TOXIE HE BASICALLY TRICKED HER TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM.
YOU WILL FIND ME DEAD BEOFRE I READ ANOTHER VAMPIRE BOOK!!!
AND THEN WE HAVE THE FUCKING THREAT AND HOW POPPY CAN’T KISS ANYONE FOR SOME SHIT REASON? LIKE HUH? AND THEN AFTER TALKING HOW PURE SHE IS SHE GOES AND KISSES HAWKE. *vomits*
AND EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW, he calls Poppys ‘juices’ to HONEYDEW I CAN NEVER LIVE THE SAMEEEE.
NOW EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT THIS AMAZING PLOT AND GUESS WHAT? I CANNOT SEEM TO FIND IT? THE WHOLE BOOK IS JUST POPPY NOT BEING LIKE OTHER GIRLS AND THAT'S WHY HAWKE LIKES HER. AND INFORMATION OVERLOAD AND A TOTAL LOAD OF SHIT THAT I DID NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT!!!
RIGHT I CANNOT TALK ABOUT THIS FUCKING BOOK ANYMORE THAN I HAVE TOO.
*screams and cries about how much I hate this book* GOODBYE *bows*...more
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