Are there any good, old fashioned macho men out there who still believe women can’t hang with the boys in the horror genre? Well, let me paint a picture for you: This book is the equivalent of Andre the Giant getting stung by a bee on the middle finger, and after it has swollen to twice its normal size, shoving it straight up your ass and finger-fucking your stupidity out.
In a homage to the HOSTEL movies, this book takes you to the dark and dirty underground of depravity beyond your wildest nightmares, to a place where torture and murder is very real, and very, very scary.
Megan Stockton just rode in on her extreme horse and outshot the gunslinger, outdrank the town drunk and outgambled the card hustler. There is no make-up that can cover up these wounds, and this lady does not hold anything back.
Much like the movies I mentioned, this is one that is not there to entertain in the conventional sense. It sucker punches you in the ovaries (yes, it will make your testicles shrink to the point of embarrassment if you are a fella) until you want to vomit out your disgust in an eloquent tirade, because of the classy writing.
Shit – pardon me, but it is late at night and this book has cost me some sleep, so if nothing else makes sense about this review, know this: If you are an extreme or Splatterpunk fan, you need to check this shit out as soon as possible.
Hey, Strand, I’ve got a bone to pick with you, son… That’s right, I called you “son”, and it’s totally smack talk, since I think we are the same age, so I am about 95% sure you’re not my actual son.
I try to read everything you publish, but I will never claim to be your biggest fan. I am average height at best. Nor would I make ridiculous claims like I would buy anthologies where you are in and, due to time constraints, only read your story and never review it. I almost never do that.
Still, I never ask you for ARCs. It is not because I think you are brilliant and strive to be able to write as well as you some day, to have your fans say: “Hmm, I’m in the mood for a Strand story, but I’ve read everything by him, so let’s try this Mort Stone guy, I hear he’s pretty good, too.” Such thoughts never cross my mind.
So the very idea that I am too intimidated to even attempt the contact is just silly. No, the main reason is because I am not sure if I am spelling ARC correctly and I am way too shy to ask anybody.
Which brings us to the problem we have: I can’t seem to put a book that I have pre-ordered from you on hold when I get it. And I have other responsibilities, man! I’m a family man, I have a full time job, I review books for authors, I try to write a few words every now and then, and I am part of Candace Nola’s editing team.
You know Candace, right? Hardest working woman in the indie horror community? Salt of the earth, friend to all, really super human being? And then you read one of her books and ask yourself: Self, am I going to tell this lovely woman that I can’t make a deadline because I dropped everything to read the new Jeff Strand book and risk fucking with her quan?
And my wife, which you don’t know at all…Well, I am not even going to phrase this as a question, I will simply state: It is NOT a good idea to pick a fight so you can be left alone for a few days to read your book. You’re a married man yourself, so you know there will be CONSEQUENCES!
Well, no, let’s not sleep this weekend so we can do everything.
And here’s where you need to be more responsible and do your part:
First, I will need your publishing schedule three months in advance so I can plan. You know, write it on my calendar and work the rest of my life around it.
Second, I will need three notes from you. Sadly, since they will be going to the same people, you need to write an original one with each publication, but they should be along these lines:
1. Dear Candace, you look lovely as always. Will you please pardon Mort on the following date [enter date here – preferably the entire weekend], where he will be helping out in an emergency to cleanse his soul of all the foul and disgusting things he reads and edits, by reading something that is hilariously foul and disgusting, written by me. He will not be able to perform any other duties during this time, so please forgive his weakness for my words and his inability to pace himself. I promise this will not happen again until my next publication, which will be [enter date here].
2. Dear Mrs. Mort, you look lovely as always. Will you please pardon Mort on the following date [enter date here – preferably the entire weekend], where he will be assisting me in reading and reviewing my latest book, to ensure I will be able to keep food on my table. Not only for us, but for our cat – here’s a nice picture – and I’ve heard how fond you are of cats, and you know it costs a pretty penny to keep them fed and happy. So please allow Mort the opportunity this weekend in assisting this starving artist to at least keep our beloved Chaos alive for another month. Pretty please…
3. Dear Mort’s boss, I am sure you look lovely as always. I am writing to ask for leniency this Monday, since Mort has had a really tough weekend with a personal issue which I can’t discuss, as it is not my place. I want to assure you that Mort was still courageous enough to do some charity work to feed not only the needy, but also their pets. Can you please not assign any new tasks to him for the next day or two, and prevent him from answering any emails, since he is sleep deprived and might say the first thing that comes into his mind. I greatly appreciate your understanding – Mort has only good things to say about you and the company.
There, not so difficult, is it?
Anyway, I probably have to review the book, too. Here goes:
There are some people who achieve great things, yet they do something that is so brilliant, it was like they were born to do that one specific thing.
Like Sir Anthony Hopkins was born to play Dr. Hannibal Lector.
Like Stephen Spielberg was born to direct E.T.
Like John Lennon was born to sing IMAGINE.
Like all the Kardashians was born to annoy the living piss out of me.
So Jeff Strand was born to write something, which we hope to see someday soon. Totally fucking with you – this is that book!
Even though I have mostly outgrown my taste for spoof comedy, I have not laughed as hard at anything since seeing AIRPLANE! And THE NAKED GUN as a child.
It is a story as old as time, so let’s do this review with a musical soundtrack.
This is Corey. Just a normal guy.
Cue: “Here’s a little song I wrote, You might wanna sing it note for note, Don’t worry, Be Happy.” DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY by Bobby McFerrin
He meets Quinn at work and falls in love.
Cue: “What started out as friendship has grown stronger, I only wish I had the strength to let it show.” CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING by REO Speedwagon
But she is in an abusive relationship.
Cue: “Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?” HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO by Bonnie Tyler
And, even worse, he’s a serial killer!
Cue: “I will drive past your house, And if the lights are all down, I’ll see who’s around.” ONE WAY OR ANOTHER by Blondie
But what can an average guy like Corey do?
Cue: “That’s the terror of knowing what this world is about.” UNDER PRESSURE by David Bowie and Queen
Well, there’s only one thing to do: Kill him!
Cue: “Because I’m hyped up, out of control, If it’s a fight, I’m ready to go, I wouldn’t put my money on the other guy, If you know what I know that I know.” YOU’RE GOING DOWN by Sick Puppies
But there’s only one problem…the husband doesn’t want to die!
Cue: “I get knocked down, but I get up again, You are never gonna keep me down.” TUBTHUMPING by Chumbawamba
And now it’s too late to turn back.
Cue: “Please forgive me, I know not what I do.” PLEASE FORGIVE ME by Brian Adams
And from there, I can’t say anything that won’t spoil it. Except, maybe:
Cue: “Getadelt wird wer Schmerzen kennt Vom Feuer das die Haut verbrennt Ich werf' ein Licht In mein Gesicht Mein heißer Schrei Feuer frei!” FEUER FREI by Rammstein.
***
I loved everything about this. Strand at his absolute best!
Best Quote: “I’d say that I picked up my pace, but I was already running at full speed, so I kept running ast the same speed but with more urgency.”
If you don’t know Aron Beauregard’s work, let me sum it up for you: Hrrupppphhhgghaarrrmmmnnnaaaaheee.
Aron’s work is hard to describe because, yes, it is sick, twisted, brutal and extreme, but he is also a story teller. The fact that he pushes the reader makes it easy for some to think of him as someone who relies on shock and disgust to sell his stories, but if you remove the make-up and look at the bare, naked tale, it is usually a damn good story.
And PLAYGROUND…well…
Years ago I was going through a movie slump, when I saw the preview for a new movie during a coffee break while doing night shift, which made me sit up and go: I have to go and watch this the moment it comes out!
I did, and it became one of my top 5 movies ever. The concept, while simple, was utterly brilliant and superbly executed. I am referring to the first SAW movie.
You will see some parallels with that movie when you read this one, but it is hard to imagine how far the author went with this one. If this was made into a movie, it would never see the light of day. It is SAW on steroids to the AAHHHHH degree.
The characters are well fleshed out, the story makes sense, but deep inside all the gore there is a commentary about parenthood and the ills of the world we live in. Psychologically speaking, this is a study in all that can be done incorrectly to a child.
In my opinion, this is the author’s best work to date.
Recommended to extreme and Splatterpunk fans only.
There is some background I want to give before I start my review. I’ve talked to this author a few times and we get along really well. He asked me if I would read CHOCOLATEMAN and I turned him down. I can handle a lot of things, but Grossout is not something I like too much. While there is a place for it, it is just not really my thing.
Fast-forward a few months and I am reading the book (another long story, but not important). He told me I didn’t have to finish the book, just to give it a fair chance. I decided to push through. And here are my thoughts:
Sh1t. Sh1t everywhere. If it takes you a few hours or a few days to finish this book, you will be thinking about sh1t all the time. But…is this story sh1t or THE sh1t?
From the previous work I’ve read of this author I can assure you of one thing: This guy can write. I mean he has some serious skills when it comes to this craft. It is just a pity that there is so much mention of choc-choc throughout. And I will be completely honest with you: At times, I thought it was becoming just a little too much. Oh no, don’t get me wrong, it is absolutely integral to this story – there is no other way he could have told it, but there’s just no getting away from it. Sh1t, sh1t, sh1t and, did I mention, sh1t? Sure, it is still a horror story – don’t think just because of the copious amounts of fecal matter that it is not scary…
But something really strange happened at around 80% through this story. Something just clicked in my head, and I started to view things from a different angle. And, to help any future readers of this story out (without spoilers), I am going to share: What if the feces in this story is a metaphor for some kind of vice or some kind of addiction?
And, for the sake of my point of view, I changed it in my mind so that every time he talked about sh1t (or choc-choc, if you will) I thought about alcohol. People who are alcoholics and suffer from the disease of alcoholism, what if this is actually what it does to them, to their families, to strangers and to others who suffer from the same affliction? Thinking back, if I think of it on this metaphorical level, I can even make sense of the things that has happened throughout the book.
So, from that point of view, this is a brilliantly told story – with the shock value to make you think about it much deeper than you usually would. You can replace alcohol with drugs, or whatever you can wrap your head around that can destroy lives because of addiction.
And then this story becomes something special…something more.
So my opinion is this: For a book I didn’t start to read with much enthusiasm, it turned out to be THE sh1t.
Or, I could be totally wrong…maybe the author is just full of sh1t?
Heed this advice when you tackle this one – it may turn out to be so much more than you could have anticipated.
The Evil Cookie Publishing has popped on my radar and I must say I am impressed with what I have read by them so far.
COUNTING BODIES LIKE SHEEP is an The Evil Cookie Publishing has popped on my radar and I must say I am impressed with what I have read by them so far.
COUNTING BODIES LIKE SHEEP is an anthology that brings together some enormous talent in the horror industry and you will not be disappointed when you pick this one up. Cruel, bloody, sadistic and even a little weirdness, makes this the perfect wedding gift for that special person who doesn’t want to marry you…
From Ed Lee and Christine Morgan, to Armand Rosamilia and Stephen Kozeniewski, not to mention LaValley and Volpe, and others who is making a name for themselves, there will be something in there for your sick and depraved taste.
All of these stories are entertaining, but there are two I have to put right at the top: SHITS ‘N GIGGLES by Bridgett Nelson was so terribly dark, yet if you work with doctors long enough, such things doesn’t always seem as unlikely as you might think. BODY DROP by Gerard Houarner took me by surprise – in a very good way. I loved the idea and I adored the way it was written.
Bridgett Nelson is a name that has popped up a lot lately, so my expectations were high going into this. How could it not be? Both Ronald Kelly (who did the foreword) and Jeff Strand (who did the blurb) endorsed this book – no small feat for a debut.
Well, most Indie authors write their first work and hope to get a foot in the door. Bridgett used another approach. She stormed through it like it was an old cowboy saloon with swinging doors, both hands fisted with a raised middle finger and screamed: “Here I am, bitches, let’s get this party started!”
This does not read like a debut. It is well polished, clever, original and dynamic. Right off the bat, the story “Auras” shows you not only the strength of her writing, but just how clever she can be. There was not a single story that I felt was one dimensional and, while it might be clear she comes from a medical background, the ideas were vastly different.
I am willing to go all in with this author – don’t let the pretty smile fool ya, she’s got a twisted imagination and the writing skills to back it up. If she keeps at it, I predict she will become a name and force to be reckoned with in the industry.
BUT: “Content Warning A graphic, violent sexual assault is depicted in this story. It may not be suitable for all readers.”
That’s the way the story “Jinx” starts. You’d do well to heed that warning. For those of you who may not be familiar with me, I read a lot of extreme and splatterpunk horror. I might be desensitized to certain things by now. But this story – and I am not saying this lightly – is the darkest short story I have ever read. In fact, currently it falls in the top 3 darkest STORIES I have ever read. If you are familiar with either THE GIRL NEXT DOOR by Jack Ketchum or WHAT GOOD GIRLS DO by Jonathan Butcher, this one is right up there with them. It rips your insides to shreds and you feel not only sick afterwards, but sickened.
I CAN NOT STATE THIS STRONGLY ENOUGH: If you are not an extreme horror or splatterpunk fan, who’ve got some experience under your belt with the genre, DO NOT read this one. It WILL upset you. Fuck, I am seasoned and it upset me. Don’t try to be a hero, it is not going to work. Just enjoy the rest of the book, because it is a great read.
So far this year, this book has been the most impressive....more
A few years ago, I wrote a review for THE GIRL NEXT DOOR by Jack Ketchum, where I said it is probably the best book I’ve read that I can’t recommend tA few years ago, I wrote a review for THE GIRL NEXT DOOR by Jack Ketchum, where I said it is probably the best book I’ve read that I can’t recommend to anybody.
WHAT GOOD GIRLS DO by Jonathan Butcher is the second book that falls into that category.
How would someone who has been a sex slave her entire life handle freedom?
This book is heavier than you can imagine and, while brilliantly written, will haunt you for the rest of your life. I honestly don’t know if you will ever be able to do some stuff with a consensual partner without this popping up in your head. ...more
Moving to the next level – this is more than a splatterpunk novel!
While I usually try to give lighter, humorous reviews for whatever I read, I am going in a different direction with this one. I’m going to tell you a story which has nothing to do with the story in the book – if you get to the end of the review, you will (hopefully) understand why.
In my late twenties, I started playing in the Black Ball Pool League (8-ball). I worked nightshift every other week, so I was a part time player, and there were not a lot of people who knew me outside of my club. Now, I am not going to lie and tell you I was the best – I never was – but I had two things going for me when it came to the game: I could ‘see’ nearly any angle for a bank shot (off the cushion) and I had the ability to snooker my opponents – a lot! I frustrated the guys who could sink the balls better to me into making mistakes.
That first year in the league I discovered something about myself – there was nothing I loved more than to beat these big-mouthed braggards. Your top 10 remained fairly consistent every year – as in any sport, really. And, since I was a nobody to them, but had enough of a game to take on most of them on a good day, I managed to do it a few times that year. The best game I ever played was against one such individual – he broke and didn’t sink anything, and I cleaned the table. The reason I see it as my best game? White ball control. I managed to line up my next shot perfectly after every ball I sank.
Even though my game improved with time, I’ve never had such a perfect game again. Best shot I ever played? From a snooker, three cushions into a snooker for my opponent. Yip, I could see the angles, it was my thing. It’s been more than I decade since I’ve stopped – circumstances beyond my control – and every now and then I get nostalgic when I think back on it. I was on a trajectory to make the state team in a few years, maybe, but now it is nothing more than a who-knows.
This book made me nostalgic, but not for the reason you might think...
When it comes to the horror genre, you have your few consistent best sellers (top 10) whose name alone sells their stories. Every now and then, a new horror author emerges, someone you’ve never heard of before, but who has the potential to take on the big guns and shows the skills and potential to tell a better story than some of them. While it might never happen – we all know how difficult the market is for any independent author – they can be on a trajectory to the top, if only given enough exposure.
And is especially rare for a sub-genre author to do so, but some of them really do have the chops, if not the opportunities. And Volpe is well on his way. While he is known as a splatterpunk author, this story is more (pardon the description, it is not meant to offend anyone) mature. This book has the potential to draw in ANY horror reader – personally, I will call this a horror story with background splatter.
Yes, there is some gore, although it is not close to his goriest. Yes, there is some blood, but not even close to his bloodiest. Most important of all, there is a STORY, and there is no denying it will appeal to a bigger audience. For me, the scenes in Auschwitz had more impact than any of the splatter.
I want to make an appeal to all horror readers to give this one a go – help this author reach his full potential, because he is that damn good. Give him the opportunity to show the big guns that they should never underestimate the power of talent. Show these big publishers that skill and determination will triumph over luck, and that the little guys may actually know what they are doing, too.
Don’t allow anything to halt his trajectory – this guy can make it in this very competitive world…and he deserves to....more
You know that saying: “You should never meet your heroes.”?
Have you ever thought about it? The famous people you look up to are only human, too. They also have good and bad days, they are also flawed, their shit also stinks and some of them can be down-right assholes. So, it is best to just build them up in your mind and not think about them too much. Because reality SUCKS!!!
Case in point: Wednesday Addams is a beloved character who have entertained more than one generation with her dry and dark humor. The reality is that she is a full-blown sociopathic bitch with sadistic tendencies, who will be – best case scenario – a serial killer.
Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes) is a boy with a vivid imagination and an imaginary friend to guide him and keep him on the right path. The reality is that he is – if not already, then well on his way to become – a borderline schizophrenic who, instead of forgiveness, deserves medication and therapy.
Hobbes is a lovable, giant imaginary Tiger who looks after his best friend, Calvin. The reality is that he is some kind of anthropomorphic demon thing who is into shapeshifting…and his animal of choice has killer instincts…
Well, this story is not about any of them, directly. But, if you look at it from exactly the right angle (37.426 degrees, to be exact), you can see where the inspiration comes from for Luther, Paine and Miranda. Put them in a science museum, throw some mushrooms and guns into the mix, and you have yourself a perfect Halloween party!
Regina Watts strips away the fluffy part and takes a stroll down the road of the brothers Grimm – she’s become an honorary sister Grimm in this one – to show them that they were way too tame and should have amped up the body count. Woo-hoo!!
I loved everything about this story – it was entertaining as anything you would ever read, if you are into dark humor. Highly recommended for children, ages 3 – 9…;)...more
And that, ladies and gentleman, is how it is done!
There is nothing - not a single thing - I can think of that would have made this story any better. ThAnd that, ladies and gentleman, is how it is done!
There is nothing - not a single thing - I can think of that would have made this story any better. This book should be coming-of-age royalty.
Well, if it wasn't for the experience of actually knowing someone like this, I would have thought Vincent and Wanda was purely fiction. However, thereWell, if it wasn't for the experience of actually knowing someone like this, I would have thought Vincent and Wanda was purely fiction. However, there are people who actually live and breathe to make the life of their 'significant' other a living hell.
So, what's the worst possible thing that can happen to Vincent? That's right, to die and not get the '...until death do you part' of the deal. Then again, Vinny, my friend, is there anything good that can follow the words 'Tijuana Donkey Show?'
So, Vincent is Death...or, at least, a Death. Wansa is a Banshee (yip, if you were cruel enough to say it out loud, it was a role she was born for, but shame on you for thinking that!).
The worst part about being a Death? It is a bureaucracy...and you don't get decent training...and you are expected to perform from day one...and the consequences of failure is worse than you can imagine...and... wait a minute! I'm I a Death as well?? Or is this the training I need for one day when I am no longer on the mortal plain???
Ahem - sorry, I got distracted. Double shot of rum fixed my nerves a bit. Where was I?
Okay, just read the damn book - it is really funny and enjoyable.
I bumped this up to five stars because, dealing with Death as a character, I couldn't help but to compare it to the great Sir Terence Pratchett. However, nobody is, was or ever will be as funny as him, and Frank didn't try to copy him, making this story his own. Very entertaining read! ...more
The re-edited version of UNBORTION has been released and I am both honored and humbled that the author gave me the opportunity to do it. In fairness, IThe re-edited version of UNBORTION has been released and I am both honored and humbled that the author gave me the opportunity to do it. In fairness, I am biased with this one, so I am leaving my original review and first impressions below.
This story has a lot more heart than you might expect!
--------------------------
OTT hysterical!
Okay, so here's the plan: 1. We turn this story into a script. 2. We send it to every single place which produces any kind of birth control. 3. We get a gazillion bucks to make this movie. 4. We sell it to every school in the world - in a campaign called: "This is why you should have safe sex!" 5. We make a gatrillion bucks more. 6. We retire.
Everybody got that? Good!
While this story is very much bizarro for the concept, every single thing, no matter how gross or unethical, followed a logical path to the conclusion. The author never tried to gross you out for the sake of grossing you out, there was always a reason.
Mr. Bercy Jr. - take a bow. Well fucking done!!...more
Update I heard a rumor this book is nominated for a Splatterpunk Award! Come on, August!
------------------------------------------ Extreme horror authors - Listen Up! The bar has been set. For any of you who feels the violence and depravity is the most important part of the story, you need to read this book to learn about character development - because when the reader cares for the protagonist, they can FEEL the bad things happening.
For anyone who doesn't understand why I can love one extreme story and hate the next, let me tell you something about myself: I joined Goodreads a little more than 3 and a half years ago. In all honesty, I wasn't even aware of the extreme genre - with the exception of Richard Laymon and Bentley Little. Since then, some authors approach me every now and then to read and review a book. One of my personal rules is to not write a review for a book I don't finish, so others won't know which ones I abandon. I do, however, send the author a message to tell them why I won't finish it.
Since then, there were three extreme authors whose books I just couldn't get into - one who managed to make me physically nauseous - and the other two whose stories felt like it was 'violence for the sake of violence'. So, I may not have liked their stories, but I can understand they cater for a market I'm not into. Last year, I read a book which I described at 'the sickest book I've ever read' and I still stand by it, but this book matched it in spades. However, this book was better for the reaction it invoked in me.
In 2010, Darren Aronofsky released his movie BLACK SWAN - to date, one of the top five movies I have ever seen - and made me an instant fan. When MOTHER! came out in 2017, I went into it blind. And, man, did that movie have an effect on me!
If you haven't seen this movie, skip this paragraph and watch the movie first! It starts out as this visually serene movie, which highlights the beauty and love for the couple, even though there is this teensy-weensy part of mystery you sense rather than see. The movie becomes a little strange when the people start coming and, even though you feel uneasy, it is more of a suggestion than anything actually shown. And then, all of a sudden, you find yourself in this fucking war zone...You see, the director hinted at something, but you do not expect this onslaught of violence out of nowhere. And it shakes you inside, makes your gut drop in that moment, makes your stomach turn as if you are part of those people's lives.
Well, this book did just about the same for me. Aron makes you care about Vera, gives you just enough time to understand and forgive her quirks. And then he fucks her up! This was the first time I had to put a book down and take a break, because my brain screamed NOOOOOOO!!!!
For anybody who thinks they can handle any kind of extreme, this one twisted me inside - good luck.
There is an ancient saying, which roughly translates to: “Fortune will rain down on you if you don’t spit in a camel’s eye.”
Now, as a Westerne4.5 STARS
There is an ancient saying, which roughly translates to: “Fortune will rain down on you if you don’t spit in a camel’s eye.”
Now, as a Westerner, it might sound silly, but think about it for a minute…How many billionaires do you know who is known for their camel-eye-spitting? Granted, I don’t know any of them, so there might be some kind of fetish club out there who cater for some, but the optimist in me would like to believe we live in a world where people refrain from spitting in a camel’s eye. I also prefer to not say anything about the camel-fuckers out there…sick bastards who can’t afford sheep…
Okay, I just grossed myself out a little...actually, a lot – just for the record, no sheep were harmed or impregnated during the writing of this review.
Moving on – there are a lot of ancient sayings that carry profound wisdom, but sometimes it gets lost in translation or just ignored as silly. I personally know a guy who found this out the hard way, when he ignored the Confucius saying: “Man who walks backward through turnstile is going to Bangkok.”
I heard, just the other day, about an ancient scroll that was discovered recently and, while there are still some debate about some of the translations, one really spoke to me: “Always wash your hands before you finger your…” wait, sorry, lost it there for a second, it says: “Always wash your hands before you take your finger food.” While the writing is not totally clear on this, and Larry, just for the record, in these times ALL their food was finger food, asshole, so don’t even try me today, okay? Anyway, the arguments will continue, I’m sure, for decades to come. Why is it so unclear? Maybe it has been damaged by weather and erosion, maybe the writer didn’t have a decent handwriting and penmanship, hell, it could be as simple as the guy was a leftie…we will never know.
Fine, I’ll make my point, don’t be some damn impatient. What does any of this have to do with the story? Nothing, directly. However, if Grady Hendrix wrote this, you probably would have believed every damn word.
Something happens to me when I read one of his books. I have a very critical eye for mistakes, whenever I read something on Kindle I will actually stop and make a note about a missing comma, incorrect spelling or bad structure – in other words, I edit everything as I read it. When it comes to a Hendrix story, he has the magic to take me deep into the story, so much so that I will finish one of his books and not be able to tell you if there were any mistakes in it. I am not saying he is perfect, but I am saying that he is one of the very few authors whose words override this instinct.
So, instead of rehashing the blurb, or telling you anything that the hundreds of other reviewers already told – probably better than I can – I will say only this: It was tons and tons of fun, you find yourself hiding your phone somewhere close to your computer screen at work because you don’t want to stop reading. This story is clever and very, very well written. The only reason it loses half a star is because the final showdown felt just a little too Hollywood for me, but I was entertained and surprised in the best possible way. Horror fans, it is a no-brainer, just read this story.
My thanks to Grady Hendrix for this ARC – my opinions are my own....more
Audiobook fans: listen up - if you live in the US or UK and you want to hear a Hilarious story, I might just be able to hook you up with some free codAudiobook fans: listen up - if you live in the US or UK and you want to hear a Hilarious story, I might just be able to hook you up with some free codes! Drop me a line, a.s.a.p.
....
Full disclosure: The author of this book gave me this ARC for an honest review.
When Adam asked me if I would be willing to read this book, my first reply was: Where the fuck did you get my number? You know I have a restraining order against you, you son of a…oh, wait, I’m thinking of somebody else. Yeah, sure, why not?
Honestly, my actual reply was: Yes, yes, yes, please! You see, I've read some of Adam’s work before and I liked it…almost as much as kissing a girl… Add to that the reference to the 80’s and movies – well, damn, how could I say no? It was a bit of a gamble for the writer, since I was always going to be overly critical about the things that didn’t work for me. And then there’s poor Sly (Google the 80’s movie COBRA - if you’re not with me) whose poster was shamelessly ‘borrowed’ for this damn good cover. By the way, if you get to the end of the story, there are more posters to appreciate! You see, I was once what you may call a cinephile – about 4 000 movies and counting – and I have fairly extensive knowledge of movies from the 80’s and 90’s. I used to be the guy whose brain held a lot of useless movie info. So, could Mr. Howe live up to expectations?
Jump into my DeLorean and buckle the fuck up…we’re going for a ride!
Think of a man. Not just any man. One with an orange sheen and a stupid haircut. No, not the ex-president. A man who has become a pathological liar, who is his own biggest fan and who refuses to hear any criticism. Nope, still not. This man, who was once one of the biggest action movie stars in the world. Yes, we’re talking about Shane Fucking-Moxie!
While he’s not in the best of shape currently, and may be a little down on his luck with cash and work, he can still hold his head high and be proud of himself…at least, in his own mind. You see, he shared the screen with a chimp in the hit movie COPSICLE, where ’48 HOURS meets ENCINO MAN’. And, while Duke, the chimp, became an instant star and his career took off from there, Shane’s kind of imploded with the movie KKKpop - the most offensive movie any major studio ever released. In his defense, racism wasn’t to blame. It was sheer stupidity’s fault.
And this book begins where a PI tries to blackmail Klaus Kaiser – also once a successful movie icon, now a successful businessman – with (something). This has nothing to do with Shane Moxie – not yet, anyway – and he is trying to pull a scam on a promotion of the 20th anniversary of COPSICLE. Does it work out for him? Well, the next chapter is called ‘The Midnight Movie-House Massacre’, so it’s anybody’s guess.
And from there, the real chaos will start when Duke comes to Moxie for help to get to the bottom of his wife’s death, which he believes wasn’t an accident. And, yes, he does sound like Kevin Spacey – it’s a long story, okay, so just read the damn book! – but that will not be the most offensive thing you will discover.
There are so many movie hints in this story, almost as much as there are jokes in the movie AIRPLANE. The F.U.B.A.R. (a bar in this story) has its roots in the movie TANGO & CASH, starring Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell, and it actually means ‘Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition’. The shark tank? Take your pick. Could it be James Bond? Or perhaps BAD BOYS? What about that one scene in LETHAL WEAPON II? I’m fairly certain, though, that it wasn’t DESPICABLE ME… The German bad-guy? I couldn’t help picturing Jeremy Irons from DIE HARD 3…
Okay, enough of this. I try not to give much away in my reviews, so you will have to read this one yourself if something interested you. At the end of the book, three things became very clear to me:
Adam Howe is also a cinephile – all those references comes from the love of the ‘game’. I would have loved to have been able to play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with him in the early 2000’s, when my movie knowledge had peaked.
Adam Howe is funny – if you allow him to entertain you without taking it too seriously, you will laugh a LOT!
This book was the most fun story I’ve read in 2020. And that says something, since I read a few Jeff Strands, Caihm MacDonall and Lee Goldberg stories. Just go along for the ride and you will enjoy yourself.
I must thank Adam Howe for giving me this ARC – I loved every-damn-thing about it!!!...more
You need three words to describe this book: BRU-FUCKIN-TAL!!
“We had set out to shoot beer cans and smoke weed, just two friends trying to hold onto a childhood that was slowly disintegrating with age.”
Every now and then, every reader gets the urge to just go back to the classics. This is an itch that was long overdue a scratching. Look up a list about the best extreme books and you will find this one on there – or you should, if the list-maker did their homework. Which brings me to one of the books that has been on my wish list the longest – ever since I learned about extreme and Splatterpunk horror.
And, man, this one deserves its spot in spades. From the 30% mark this story is one, long adrenaline rush. Before 50% you will have lost hope for these characters. They are fucked: There is no way out of this. Then comes a glimmer of hope…but there is so much more story left to read, so…
The way this author keeps you in suspense throughout is nothing short of brilliant. If you are a fan of this genre and you haven’t read this one yet, you are missing out. For me, this one gave me the same rush as Ketchum’s OFF SEASON – It is that damn good!
regarding your queries in a previous mail, I want to answer all your questions in this correspondence.
The Venue is located on a mountaiDear Mr. Hunt,
regarding your queries in a previous mail, I want to answer all your questions in this correspondence.
The Venue is located on a mountain in [UNDISCLOSED]. We can guarantee privacy and discretion. Our staff is available twenty-four hours of the day, their only wish to serve you and keep you happy. The chapel can easily seat fifty people and it is located inside the building, for your convenience. You can expect all the luxury any five star hotel can offer and, in some cases, even more.
The reception can be in any color of your choosing and any flowers you wish to have will be supplied, even if it has to be imported from another country. Our chef is one of the best in the world, and you can pick anything you wish to have on your special day. We have various poisons and toxins, if you are interested in surprising some guests.
Any weapon you wish to have will be supplied - the medieval period is very popular among previous guests. If you desire some distance from the chaos, long distance weapons will be supplied. But, should you choose to partake, we can provide any weapon, but we can't guarantee your safety.
We will provide a DJ who will play any of the songs you included on your list. He will work throughout the night - our security measures are well tested.
All the rules will be stipulated by you and we are willing to go the extra mile to meet any wish you may have for your special day.
Finally, cleanup will not be any of your concern, everything will be catered for in the contract.
I hope these answers are satisfactory. Looking forward to doing business with you.
Kind regards [NAMELESS]
Ps. For security purposes, this email will delete itself in three... two... one...
Wow, this author does his job so well, I loved everything about the story. It is sick and disgusting, for sure, but I'll be damned if I didn't love the ride.
The feeling in this book was almost like watching the movie MOTHER! It starts off with a feeling that things are off, and BAM - mother-fucken' anarchy!
Some scenes will upset sensitive readers.
Recommended to fans of horror and thrillers. Oh yes, and those who enjoy wedding stories....more
This is probably one of the most consistently hilarious series I've read.
If you can't imagine Bunny living in a church where there is no drinking, swThis is probably one of the most consistently hilarious series I've read.
If you can't imagine Bunny living in a church where there is no drinking, swearing or violence, you have to read this one. Brother McGarry may not be the most lethal person there, especially when a teenager manages to knock him out.
But I'm getting ahead of myself here. The best advice I can give you is to read these books in order - you will know (and love) the characters by now. And just when you think Caimh McDonnell couldn't come up with any funnier material from the last book, you will discover things like racist birds and technological advanced nuns...
Anything I tell you about this story will just ruin a surprise along the way, so I'm going to tell you to go into this one blind - if you are a fan of the author - and you will not be disappointed.
I am really looking forward to the next book.
I will leave you with a Bunny quote: “Right so, let’s kick this donkey in the knackers and see if he dances.”...more
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