✘✘ Sarah ✘✘ (former Nefarious Breeder of Murderous Crustaceans)'s Reviews > Shadow Games

💀 The Black Company is Recruiting Again Buddy Rereread (TBCiRABR™) with the MacHalos and stuff 💀

➽ And the moral of this rereread is: this book should have been titled “Shadow Games, or How My Boyfriend Croaker Turned on the Charm and Became the Lamest Greatest Casanova of the South.”



Yeah, I think Lady might be with you on that one, kiddo.

P.S. I've quoted this before but I'll quote it again because reasons and stuff:

“She wielded her weapons with a dancer’s grace and the deadliness of a demigoddess.”

(view spoiler)[😍😍😍 (hide spoiler)]

You are quite welcome.

👋 To be continued and stuff.



[June 2018]

💀 Buddy reread with the clueless new mercenary recruits Elena and Mark over at BB&B. Under the wicked supervision of our Ever-Stalking Black Company Overlord (ESBCO™), of course 💀

➽ And the moralssssss of this reread are :

① It seems I almost nearly DNFed this book the first time I read it (still rated it 5 stars, though. Don't ask. I most certainly didn’t). Goes to show that one can be both nefarious and a complete, utter, total nitwit.

② Croakie Baby, you’re the worst Casanova in the history of worst Casanovas, but I still 💕lurves💕 you from the bottom of my black, withered heart.

③ Lady, thou art MINE. Glad we cleared that up for the 2,500 millionth time.

④ ♫ It’s just an illusion ♫ ← this is your queue to start singing “oooh oooh oooh aaah,” my Faithful (if a little Flimsy) Decapods. Just so you know and stuff.

Also:





[Original review]

Welcome to yet another fascinating Why Did I, Why Didn't I Non-Review (WDIWDINR™)! Because I don't have the time to write one of those It's Longer Than The Book Itself Non-Reviews (ILTTBINR™) that you love so much! That's right, my Little Barnacles! Time for you to be glad and rejoice again! We're about to embark on a The Crap Is About To Get Cut Non-Review (TCIATOGCNR™)!



① Why did I almost DNF this book?

*gasps*

YES, my name is Sarah and I have a shameful admission to make: I am unfull of grate and I almost potentially not quite but nearly DNFed a book written by the Ever Awesome Glen Cook (well sometimes he is not so Ever Awesome but I am pretending The Silver Spike never happened and shh shh shh I never said any of this do not be silly now you Barnacles you did not just read what I just wrote thank you.) Having almost potentially not quite but nearly committed the deadliest of sins I shall now make an act of contrition by confessing my hideous thoughts:

✘ My aging boyfriend Croaker is annoyingly grumpy in an annoyingly grumpy kind of way. I mean, grumpy can be sexy but grumpy can be grumpy. And not sexy. So Croaky Baby, please stop constantly debating with your little yourself, I've had it with your inner-ramblings. Do I ever ramble when I write reviews? Never. QED. Oh, and by the way, please do remember to attend those how-to-romance-the-hell-out-of-a-girl's-knickers classes we signed you up for. You still have a LOT of progress to make in that department.



See? That's exactly the kind of lame stuff I'm talking about. Croaky, this has to stop. NOW.

✘ Lady, previously known as THE Freakingly Awesome Lady, is having a hard time adjusting to her new life. Yeah, well, join the club. I had to adjust to going back to work after a three-month holiday. Everyone has problems. I get that the sudden lack of evil slaves and evil everything sucks, but hey, it could be worse. You could be stuck in a freaking historical romance or something. Sobering thought if there ever was one, huh? So stop all that "being a normal, average, boring human being is boring and average and normal, and what do I do now?" nonsense and do the Definite Article Pep Talk (DAPT™)! Repeat after me, "I am not Lady, I am THE LADY! Woot! Woot! Woot!"



Attagirl! Now that's the spirit!

✘ Filler filler filler. Boredom boredom boredom boredom. ← you might think you just read this. But you didn't. Oh no, absolutely not. Because frankly, how could a Freaking Black Company book be boring? Impossible. You really have to stop drinking vodka while reading my reviews, you keep imagining things.

✘ Where is the Plain of Fear menagerie?! Where is the coolest zoo in the universe?! Give it back give it back give it back! I want mantas! I want windwhales! I want aggravating talking stones! And coral with a life of itself! Come ON Glen Cook, make a traveling circus out of the Plain of Fear if that's what it takes, but please bring my favorite petting zoo back!! Normal animals are BORING!



② Why did I end up giving this book 5 stars?

*pats herself in the back*
*does a little happy dance*
*raises a glass to her own glorious judgment*

✔ Ghost legions. Damn. Awesome Black Company is really AWESOME.

“Slick. Oh, slick. Not even a hangnail. That was the way we did it in the old days. Maneuver and trickery. Why get yourself hurt if you can whip them with a shuffle and con?”

I want to be a Black Company mercenary when I grow up. I want to be wicked and devious and shrewd and cunning and treacherous and deliciously sneaky. Without having to worry about how my manicure will hold while I slaughter the masses.

✔ Frogface, mostest awesomest pet imp ever.

✔ Freaking tree stumps.



✔ Croaker, my aging, grumpy boyfriend. Yeah yeah yeah, I know he was one of the reasons I wanted to DNF, but I never said this WDIWDINR™ was going to make any sense. Besides, Croaky is awesome. And love is blind.

✔ Lady, previously known as THE Freakingly Awesome Lady. Yeah yeah yeah, I know she was one of the reasons I wanted to DNF, but I never said this WDIWDINR™ was going to make any sense. Besides, she wields her weapons with a dancer’s grace and the deadliness of a demigoddess. So there.

✔ Shadowmasters. I love it when they get their asses slightly kicked. And get lectured over it like the whimpering dogs they are. Because there is nothing quite like a villainous villain being properly chastised by his villainous villain boss after one too many pathetic screw ups.



✔ Widowmaker and Lifetaker. Sigh. Such sheer amazing pure undiluted awesome awesomeness. Sigh.

✔ Things protruding from piles of limbs. Evil Mr Cook, you are EVIL.

✔ Freaking tree stumps ← yes, I am aware that I've already mentioned this. Just trying to make a subtle point here.

✔ OMG OMG OMG SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER EVIL MR COOK YOU ARE EVIL BUT I LOVE YOU YOU DID IT WILL YOU MARY ME?!

✔ Epic ending is FREAKING EPIC.

✔ Freaking cliffhanger is FREAKING CLIFFHANGY.



➽ And the moral of this WDIWDINR™ is: you have to be Glen Cook to turn an almost potentially not quite but nearly DNF into a 5-shrimping-star Awesome Black Company is Freaking Awesome Story™. The man wasn’t dubbed the Father of Bloody Fishing Grimdark for naught, my Little Barnacles.



· Book 1: The Black Company ★★★★★
· Book 1.5: Port of Shadows ★ ← I have no idea where this book came from, or what it's about. Pretty sure I never read it.
· Book 2: Shadows Linger ★★★★★
· Book 2.2 (short story): Shaggy Dog Bridge ★★★★★
· Book 2.3 (short story): Bone Eaters ★★★★★
· Book 2.4 (short story): Letha of the Thousand Sorrows ★★★
· Book 3: The White Rose ★★★★★
· Book 3.5: The Silver Spike ★★★★
· Book 5: Dreams of Steel ★★★★★
· Book 6: Bleak Seasons ★★★★★
· Book 7: She Is The Darkness ★★★★★
· Book 8: Water Sleeps ★★★★★
· Book 9: Soldiers Live ★★★★★