Judy's Reviews > Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward

I should just buy this book, and highlight.

I find it sometimes hard to read books by Henry Cloud, and this one seemed mostly applicable to business, but the more I read, the more helpful it was. Following are the most helpful (to me) excerpts:

page 49: "I have watched well-meaning people literally waste years and millions of dollars trying to bring someone along who is not coming. And often the person may have lots of other talent that the leader doesn't want to lose, or he likes the person so much that he is willing to try over and over again...come to grips with the fact that some people--no matter how much you give them or how much you try to help them improve their performance...are not going to change. At least not now, and not as a result of anything you are doing. Accept it..."

page 66-67: "Another relational map is feeling responsible for another person's pain when the enabling is ended...it is a form of caring gone awry. People enable others because they care. But this kind of caring is not caring at all and is destructive to the person being helped. It is a toxic dependency. It keeps adult kids dependent on parents long after they should have been independent adults...there is a difference between helping someone who is disabled, incapable, or otherwise infirm versus helping someone who is resisting growing up and taking care of what every adult (or child, for that matter) has to be responsible for: herself or himself. When you find yourself in any way paying for someone else's responsibilities, not only are you stuck with a delayed ending, but you are probably harming that person."

Page 69: "In the family-owned businesses, the failure-to-launch syndrome can become a business practice...people in their twenties or older, who are living with parents and have not been able to successfully launch into adulthood. Certainly there are circumstances in which living with parents makes sense...But sometimes the situation is not good and enables a child-like dependency in an adult. (In some situations, you cannot even call it a healthy childlike dependency, as many times these twenty-somethings have no chores, requirements, or reponsibilities, not is their living with parents in service of anything else, like further education.)

Page 74: "...successful people...all have one thing in common: They get in touch with reality...you must finally see reality for what it is...what is not working is not going to magically being working...The awareness of hopelessness is what finally brings people to the reality of the pruning moment. It is the moment when they wake up, realize that an ending must occur, and finally feel energized to do it. Nothing mobilizes us like a firm dose of reality. Whether is is finally getting an addict to hit bottom and end a destructive pattern or getting a CEO in front of a bankruptcy judge to force the restructuring that he has been avoiding, only reality gets us to do difficult things."

Page 87 ff: "It is imperative that you give up hope if your hope is not hope at all but just an empty wish. But how do we know the difference between wishing and hoping?...definitions of hope contain two elements..."desire or expectation" for something in the future to occur...second is..."grounds for believing" that something...will occur...The real problem is when have have one without the other: a desire without any grounds. That is hope based not on reality but on our desires, our wishes...In the absence of real, objective reasons to think that more time is going to help, it is probably time for some type of necessary ending...As the saying goines, "Hope is not a strategy." This kind of hope is not worth spending more time and resources on. It is only buying you the time to continue to make more mistakes. If you are in a hole, rule number one is to stop digging...While hope is a great virtue, hope in unreality is not. And sometimes hopeless is the best virtue you have, because it can finally get you to the pruning moment...to hang on to false hope is a fantasy that can end in dismal failure."

Page 92: "The past is the best predictor."

Page 95: "The past does not lie. Of course, you might...ask, "Can't someone do better than their past?" Of course!...the key is this: There had better be good reason to believe that someone is going to do better. Without any new information or actions, though, the past is the best predictor of the future."

Page 96: "...am I willing to sign up for more of the same?"

Page 97: "I was talking to a wealthy friend one time about the ways that he invests his money...He told me that he does not invest in businesses, other than his own...I disagreed, as I knew of several that he had invested in..."Not true," he said, "I did not invest in those businesses...What I invested in was what I always invest in: the person...I knew the leader and his or her team, their track record, and their character. That is what I was investing in, not the business..."...What kind of person deserves our trust, and when do we believe that someone can change?"

Page 99: "...unless something changes, the future that you can expect is more of the past. Sorry or becoming committed does not make Jim Carrey a great golfer, or made Jack nicklaus funny. Recommitment does not make a person who is unsuited for a particular position suited for it all of a sudden. Promises by someone who has a history of letting you down in a relationship mean nothing certain in terms of the future."

Page 102 ff: "People change...But...not always...you can waste more time, even years...when can I have hope that a person is going to be different...look for the objective reasons to hope...You need a "reason to believe". Here are nine object factors...Verifiable Involvement in a Proven Change Process; Additional Structure; Monitoring Systems; New Experiences and Skills; Self-sustaining motivation...Look at the degree to which you are having to drive the process; Admission of Need; The Presence of Support; Skilled Help; Some Success."

Page 133: "...the foll...rejects the feedback, resists it, explains it away, and does nothing to adjust to meet its requirements. In short, The fool tries to adjust the truth so he does not have to adjust to it."

Page 134-5: "Traits of Foolish Persons. When given feedback, they are defensive...come back at you with a reason why it is not their fault...When a mistake is pointed out, they externalize the mistake and blame someone else...attempts to talk about problems create conflict, alienation, or a breach in the relationship...Sometimes, they immediately shift the blame to you...use minimization...rationalize...excuses are rampant...never take ownership...emotional response has nothing to do with remorse; instead they get angry at you for being on their case...see themselves as the victim...world is divided into the good guys and the bad guys. The good guys are the ones who agree with them and see them as good, and the bad ones are the ones who don't think that they are perfect...lack of ownership of the issue and a refusal to take responsibility...want outside world to change instead of them."

Page 137: "So stop talking. At least about the problem."

Page 142: "When a spouse says to the alcoholic, "you need to go to AA," that is obviously not true. The addict feels no need to do that at all, and isn't. But when she says, "I am moving out and will be open to getting back together when you are getting treatment for your addiction," then all of a sudden the addict feels "I need to get some help or I am going to lose my marriage." The need has been transferred. It is the same with any kind of problematic behavior of a person who is not taking feedback and ownership. The need and drive to do something about it must be transferred to that person, and that is done through having consequences that finally make him feel the pain instead of others. When he feels the pain, he will feel the need to change...A plan that has hope is one that limits your exposure to the foolish person's issues and forces him to feel the consequences of his performance so that he might have hope of waking up and changing."

Page 143: "With wise people, talk to them, give them resources, and you will get a return. With foolish people, stop talking to them about problems; they are not listening. And stop supplying resources; they squander them. Instead give them limits and consequences. With evil people, to quote a Warren Zevon song, the strategy is "Lawyers, Guns and Money."...You have to go into protection mode, not helping mode...I use that phrase to symbolize resources that you use to protect yourself...The bottom line with evil is to stay away, create the firmest protective ending that you can, and get real help to do it. Use your lawyers, law enforcement (that is the guns part), and your financial resources to make sure that you will not be hurt by someone who is trying to destroy you...do not talk to evil people at all, period. "You can communicate with me through my attorney" is a phrase that exists for a reason."

Page 174: "Getting people to finally see the stark incompatibility of certain desires is often what finally gets them unstuck...I met a woman who defined herself as stuck. She was in a relationship that was not all that she wanted...He did not have the "drive" that she desired...So when I asked her why she didn't go after the kind that she wanted, she would say, "because I want him. I love him." "But I though you wanted someone who was more like the driver...type," I said. "I do...But he is so great is other ways...I want to be with him, too," she said. "Too?"...sometimes we want two or more things that can't coexist...incompatible wishes...Part of maturity is getting to the place where we can let go of one wish in order to have another. The immature mind "wants it all." But...most valuable things come with a cost...we have to give up some things for others."

Page 182: "If you are going to do it "later," then when will that be? Set a date. What real reason do you have for waiting?...If there is not a real contingency, then why are you waiting?"

Page 186: "The maturity to discern when to remain invested in a relationship or situation and when to let go of one is the same. You have to be able to see the whole reality in both situations, the one that you keep and the one that you don't. Otherwise, lasting relationships cannot happen, and bad ones cannot end...we are willing to deal with the negatives to have the positives...commitment...if we...don't love it...ending needed..."

Page 195: "He would be the one to decide whether or not he wanted to be with her. She set the standards for what being with her meant, and he could decide whether or not it was a match. It was his decision, and he could self-select. Good for her as she did not have to judge anymore. Instead, her standards would be the judge. Good for him, as she was no longer going to nag but instead would let him decide whether or not he wanted to be with her in the ways that she required. No bad guy anywhere. Everyone was free again."

Page 197 ff: "Self-selection for yourself works the same way. Set the standard: "If the business has not turned aprofit by the end of this year, I shut it down."...I live in L.A. and know many people...trying to make it in the entertainment or music industry...When to quit?...have a date out there...it is a good idea to know how much of your life or resources you want to spend on something before you lose them all..."

Page 204: "...when someone cares about how a person feels, there is the temptation to go squishy on the truth, because the truth hurts. So we tend to get a bit codependent in these kinds of conversations...truth suffers, and often the ending gets flimsy...on the other hand, if you are insensitive to people and just interested in the "truth"...you might really hurt someone needlessly...it is still to your advantage to get this right and begin to care, because if you don't, it has a much greater chance of going bad...If something is not right for one party, it is not right for the other one, either...The truth is painful but best in the end."

Page 208: "Many times...the person will not like hearing what you are saying...But the only person you can control in the conversation is yourself, so stay on message. Whether or not she gets it is not in your control. But remaining empathetic and clear is in your control...Sometimes there is so much danger of distortion...that you should make sure that you have someone in the conversation with you...related to this is the need for good notes and immediate documentation of what occurred...The better the documentaiton...the better off you will be. Judges and juries will be impressed with the one who has a clear, provable record of the facts."

Page 210: "Except in rare cases, don't burn bridges...the person you've just ended something with may be your boss...one day...Above all, don't be squishy...end it and leave it clearly over. Many times people leave a little wiggle room or false hope just to soften the bad news. Do not do that if an ending is what you desire. Otherwise, you are just going to have to do it again...Close it now..."

Page 226: "...watch out for those situations in life...that diminish you or your assets over time. That should be an alarm to move immediately to stop the outflow, reorganize, bring in some sort of help, make a change, or do some kind of ending...end at least the dynamic that is unsustainable."