Alina's Reviews > Boundaries in Dating

** spoiler alert ** TAKEAWAY: Learning to have good boundaries in dating is work, and takes some time. It helps to understand how to better conduct your dating life to develop love, freedom, and responsibility in both you and whoever you are dating.

Notes:
Dating helps to learn about oneself and others and relationships, in a safe context; provides context to workout through issues; helps to build relationship skills; help to heal and repair; what type of person they will like and good for him, practice sexual self- control.
1. Emotional maturity in dating is important in dating 2. Freedom and Responsibility create a safe environment for love, experience, trust
Know what your fears and unresolved issues can bring you too e.g. Fears of intimacy can attract you to detached people;Fears of autonomy can attract you to controlling people.

I) You and your boundaries
-Why boundaries in dating? Boundaries serve two important functions: 1. they define us. Boundaries show what we are and are not; what we agree and disagree with; what we love and hate. 2. they protect us. Boundaries keep good things in, and bad things out. When we don’t have clear limits, we can expose ourselves to unhealthy and destructive influences and people. Boundaries protect by letting others know what you will and will not tolerate.
- You and only you are responsible for what is inside your boundaries. If someone else is controlling your love, emotions, or values, or how you behave in dating relationships they are not the problem. Your inability to set limits on their control is the problem. Boundaries are the key to keep- ing your very soul safe, protected, and growing.
2) REQUIRE and EMBODY TRUTH
- As soon as there is any kind of deception, stop everything.If you are trying to help someone and he is lying to you in some way, there is no relationship (if worth it can work on trust).
-It is one thing to have loved and lost. It is another thing to have loved and been lied to. Do not lead someone on, or allow them to deceive themselves by anything that you are doing.
- If you are hurt in some way, bring it up. Don’t harbor bitter feelings. Or, if there is something that the other person has done that you do not like, or goes against your values, or is wrong, it must be discussed. If you don’t you are building a relationship on a false sense of security and closeness, and it is possible that your feelings will be confused by hurt and fear. Reasons you need to be honest about conflict:1. Being honest resolves the hurt or the conflict. 2. When you are honest, how the other person responds tells you whether a real, long-term, satisfactory relationship is possible.Yo need to know who you deal with someone who critisies, someone you can talk to. People who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work
- Do not tolerate lying or deception period. NO matter what the reason for it. Demand to know what they think & feel.
3) TAKE GOD ON THE DATE
- There are several aspects of your spiritual life that you will want to bring into the relationship: your faith story, values (theology, relationships, calling in life, family, sex, social issues, career), struggles( help to know a spiritual walk- failure, loss, mistakes, neglect of spiritual growth), spiritual autonomy (independence, deepening the growth, spiritual growth is needed by both partners), and friendships (engage with friends with same values, length of relationships).
- An active Role in Each Other’s Growth; Feedback, Give it time, don't be a parent (take spiritual responsibility); comfort & challenge; spiritual compatibility; the design issue; spiritual development plan (mature - conflict & adjustments);
4) DATING WONT CURE A LONGLY HEART
- Cure the fear of being alone: focus on spiritual intellectual growth ; be vulnerable, have stimulative activities, pursue wholeness (broken, pain, childhood trauma, work out your issues).p.75
5) DO NOT REPEAT THE PAST
- Set boundaries with your past: 1. deal with your old dating pattern (What specific past am I repeating in my dating relationships?/ (adapt, change, fake) how to deal with them? ) Know your dating approaches?/ What have I done to contribute to my dating problem? 2. Growth from your past
-Understand and deal with the issues that have kept you from changing your patterns.
- Develop a healthy fear of not dealing with your past dating patterns. Be afraid of your past - consequences of the past, help to motivate yourself to make the change. Be afraid of ruining present relationship, ask for support. Be afraid of staying in the present relationship. Be afraid of being injured ( ask yourself why you were hurt before?) Be afraid of waisting time. Be afraid reducing your prospects. (falling in love with a character problem- know your past problems)
-Make a break between past and present with the help of your supportive relationships.
II) WHO SHOULD I DATE?
6) WHAT YOU CAN OR CAN'T LIVE WITH - What do you look for in a person to date serIously or marry? Examine following areas in dating: 1. setting limits on the types they date, be open 2. some preferences are important then others ( Common interest, goals & values (love, patient, kindness)) 3. some preferences are minor you can deal with (ppl can see when they hurt you/ being wrong/ demonstrates ability to growth/ some areas that may annoy you - minor ->difficult to open up to, perfectionism, some attempts to control, messiness, nagging, impatience) 4. some are totally limit (lack of justice, faithfulness, deceit, apologises instead of changes, avoids closeness, an addict) -> confront them, see their response, watch out for patterns, trust again and keep going.
7) DON'T FALL IN LOVE with SOMEONE you WOULDN'T BE FRIENDS WITH (see it as a problem, do everything about reality to the person you are drawing to, are you confusing longing to be in love, are you confusing infactuation of fantasy, dependency) Reasons: 1. resolved family issues 2. unintegrated parts of yourself (resolving aspects of yourself, drawing to someone who has the quality you want; Good and bad split) 3. Defensive hope (disappointment in life leads to hanging up to hope rather than change) 3. Romanising (fantasising, avoiding reality, being out of neediness) 4. Undeveloped intimacy ( unawareness of real connection, result to drawn to wrong ppl) 5. Friendship is the path.
8) DON'T RUIN FRIENDSHIP OUT OF LONELINESS
- Loneliness: experience false feelings does not meet the real needs for compassion, care, and comfort// failure in relating to the same sex -> the dependency needs that should be met in healthy same-sex ways are being acted out in the roman- tic sphere// Idealising romance // Rescue/Caretaking Roles -> parent role, healing woods, ppl that can't take care of themselves // Impulsiveness -> They become sexually intimate (an oxymoron) very quickly, or are into quick, intense, “deep” connections. LEARN to verbalise and deal with impulsive connection.
9) BE AWARE OF OPPOSITE ATTRACT - we can learn from competencies others// may fall into dependency as the other person has what we need.-> you need to work on this! do not piggy back on other strengths, // we want to be complete// fear on our own character flows
- what happens when oppositeness rules: 1. Loss of freedom ( he is in charge) 2. Resentment ( dependency) 3. Confusion and responsibility 4. Parent child struggles.
-Dependency that does not lead to growth ultimately creates more immaturity in the person.
-Set boundaries on your tendencies to rescue each other from your character deficits. If you are the connector, don’t do all the relational work for your date. If you are the assertive one, don’t enable your date by doing all the confronting. Encourage, but don’t rescue.
III SOLVING DATING PROBLEMS
10) Adopt now pay later - don’t be someone you are not just to gain someone’s love. If you do, the person that your loved one is loving is not you. It is the role that you are playing and not your true self who is being loved.//-You are a person, and you cannot go throughout life without pursuing your own wishes, needs, and desires, nor should you. Your needs and desires are going to come out, and you had better find out early in the relationship where the person you are dating really stands with the idea of sometimes having to adapt to them//-Tell the truth about where you want to go and not go, or what you want to do or not do.//
11) TOO MUCH, TOO FAST - Reasons to take it slow, explore each other: 1. Having enough talks to safely open up with each other 2. Entering each other’s worlds of work, hobbies, worship, and service 3. Meeting and spending time with each other’s friends 4. Understanding each other’s strengths and weaknesses 5. Going over basic values of what is important in life to each other 6. Getting to know each other’s families 7. Spending time away from each other to think through the relationship, alone and with friends 8. Learning your best style of disagreement and conflict management/// 1. Avoid the tendency toward too-quick involvement by getting involved with each other’s real lives, especially friendships. 2. Deal with conflicts, differences, and preferences instead of glossing them over. 3. Remember that quick, intense relationships often end up either burning out or being shallow. Real love takes time and has no shortcut, but it is worth it. 4. Make sure you’re not moving quickly because you are avoiding some other pain, such as loneliness or inner hurt.5. Get a life (work on your friendships, work, hobbies service)6. ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU JUMP IN SO QUICKLY
12) DON'T GET KIDNAPED: I. Stay connected to your support network: 1. will help you to see reality give feedback and support II. Stay grounded to your values III.Separate & develop outside relationship
13) KISS LOSS HOPE GOODBYE: - "Tell him that you have enjoyed your time together, but you are developing more feelings than he is, so you do not see any reason in going forward if it is not mutual. Then end the dat- ing relationship." - If he wants to continue, give rational to it, good reason, why doe she feel more time will help? Set boundaries// Ask yourself, “What reason has he or she given me to hope that things are going to be different? Is that reason sustainable?”//ask yourself if more time is going to do that. Or ask yourself if spending time with each other will help both of you in other ways...the safety that they found in each other healed them both and provided a way to grow into commitment// Are you seeing evidence of true change and growth? Is
there more ownership, a growth path, hunger for change, involvement in some system of change, repentance, or other fruits of a change of direction? Is there self motivation for change, or is it all coming from you?//*Have you changed whatever dysfunction you have been bringing to the relationship?*
14) BOUNDARIES ON BLAME: Know BLAME CONSEQUENCES// Learn to humbly listen to correction and restrain the urge to react in blame./Use blame as a signal to see if you are afraid, feel judged, or are sad about a fault.//Take a strong stance of being more concerned about your own soul’s state than that of your date’s//Accept what is negative about your date and work with the realities instead of staying locked in protest, argument, and blame.//Ask those you trust to let you know when you play the blame game.//Be a forgiver, and make mutual forgiveness a part of the culture of your dating relationship.//Set limits not blame!
PART IV: SOLVING DATING PROBLEM
15) SAY NO TO DISRESPECT (dominating, withdrawing, manipulating, laughing at your expense, blaming, minimising, direct violence, rationalising); SAYING IS NOT DOING/// **Dating should be an arena in which you solve problems while in the relationship, rather than ending the relationship when you experience problems. Premature endings don’t bode well for your future marriage years, either, or any type of relationship. Learn to deal with disrespect before you end things.//// SET boundaries and consequences to back up your words//
16) In relationships, you get what you tolerate. people who allow people to get away with things seem to attract the kind that would want to get away with less than considerate behavior. Another reason seems to be that when- ever we do not have good limits with each other, there is a regression on the part of the person who is enabled to be less than mature. DO not tolerate: • Being inconsiderate regarding time or commitments• Not following through on promises or commitments
• Disrespectful comments that are degrading or otherwise hurtful, alone or in front of others • Pushing for physical relationship past where you allow • Unfair or irresponsible financial dealings, such as presuming on your generosity or patience • Critical attitudes• Other consistent ways of hurting your feelings that are clearly his or her fault and not your own sensitivities • Controlling behavior// Don’t confront on everything that happens. If you do, you will be quarrelsome and difficult to be around.//Do confront on things that are important—issues of dignity, consideration, values, and the like. Maybe let a few things slide once or twice, but do not allow a pattern of disrespect to occur.// When you confront, do it soon, with love and with total honesty.
17) Set appropriate physical limits: Helps to see if the person can sacrifice, respects you
18) Make honesty, respect and freedom as aspects of your relationship sexually, emotionally, socially, spiritually.// Person who can't accept NO has the problem not your boundary p.261 - manage boundary problem don't run // remember that the reality that you are even going to the trouble of dealing with the problem shows that he is important to you. This is the world of dating, where you can abruptly break off a relationship, no harm, no foul. Let him know that you are bringing up the problem because you care.//***BOUNDARY ISSUES CONTRIBUTION: Not speaking up when she should have; Excusing, minimizing, or rationalizing his behavior; Telling others her complaint without telling him; Withdrawing or becoming passive as a form of protest; Nagging and berating instead of problem-solving; Threatening consequences and then not following up with
them//
19) WHEN SETTING BOUNDARIES: 1. Remember to be patient, work things through 2. Stick with Consequences, let them know that they are not permanent 3. Expect Negative reaction 4. Question his motivations 5. Avoid reactive friends 6. Provide a way to normality 7. SHOUld you request personal growth when dealing with boundaries and consequences (character growth problem : trust, honesty, truthfulness, attachments, perfectionists) 8. Use limits to test relations