Anete Ābola's Reviews > Boundaries in Dating

This book is saddening, because it promotes getting more baggage before getting married and putting yourself first (not others, as Scripture clearly teaches).

As one non-christian reviewer rightly saw – this book promotes casual dating (dating around for the sake of “friendship” or “fun”). Do not be deceived - this is NOT a Christian dating book. The way author uses Scripture is very out-of-context and not according to godly lifestyle and biblical values. So, if You really want to follow Christ, this is NOT the book for you. And if you are a non-christian who wants to see what Christians think about this subject – this is not the book. As in almost every book, there are nuggets of truth, but it is not worth to read because of all the filth around them.

Authors are psychologists, not biblical counselors, so no wonder the book teaches you worldly psychology, not the Word of God.

Start with the page 11 (beginning of Chapter 1) where author is surprised that someone has even asked about what is the biblical position on dating. The author thinks that though the Bible doesn’t talk about dating, it does talk about “being loving, honest, growing person in whatever you do”. So you can do anything in the name of “love”? Really? So date around as long as you are honest when you want to go to the next relationship? Author says: “God grows people in dating relationships in the same way he grows them up in many other life activities.” Somehow the author thinks dating is like any other life activity or hobby – gardening, volleyball, reading books, playing an instrument... He misses the point that God asks us to be holy and to redeem time, to love our spouse (even if we have not yet married them).

Why should a Christian have “dating experience” to tell husband/wife about? Colossians 2:20-23 is quoted outside of context saying that this means we can date (“do not touch!”), although here Paul talks about the false doctrine of asceticism where people thought that maybe they should not have sex with their spouse in marriage. Clearly, the author has not studied Scripture enough.

The author (page 16) agrees with the statement that teenagers should date to become mature.

Page 17 – “dating is an incubator time of discovering the opposite sex, one’s own sexual feelings, moral limits, one’s need for relationship skills, and one’s taste in people”. Really? Is the only way to assess people’s character is to go on dates? Is it really necessary to arouse one’s sexual feelings before marriage? Bible teaches the opposite!

Page 18 suggests to learn to build intimate relationships through dating (and of course with multiple people until you find your “the one”).

Page 19 – although author says it would be a horrible idea to suggest “that dating be the primary place that someone seeks healing”, he stills makes the sentence (without the word “primary”) as a point he wants to make.

Page 19/20 – Author promotes the idea that dating has value in and of itself (opposing the idea that dating is for getting to know a potential spouse). He says “God has said that love – and not just married love – is the fulfillment of the entire law. When two singles love each other, give to each other, and share something in life, although the relationship has limits of both body and heart, it has value as well.” This is again – Scripture out of context. Having a romantic relationship with a person of the opposite sex outside of marriage without clear direction toward marriage – there is NO Bible passage that allows that.
Page 21 – author seems to express an opinion that as long as you don’t have sex, it is ok to date while you are single. Ecclesiastes 11:9 taken out of context again (does he ever use Scripture in context??).

Page 25 – no wonder a man who entered relationships just for the fun of it is not ready to get married. Lesson nr1 should be to start with a clear purpose of marriage in mind (but that is not what this psychologist concludes).

Page 26 – he concludes that dating should be allowed only for to responsible people. Then – why couldn’t they just aim to get married? Author still thinks “responsible people” could act irresponsibly by dating one, then another, then another.

Page 29 – Author uses vague terms about spirituality without talking clear and biblical language (as in “a woman can tell a guy she is going out with that she is serious about her spiritual life, and desires that in people she is close to”). Shouldn’t she see at least some seriousness before the first date? Shouldn’t she be more specific if that means reading a devotional now and then or taking yoga classes? I think that if she is really serious about following Jesus, she would have talked in more specific terms.

The same page – “A man and woman who are getting closer in their relationship MAY want to set some limits on dating other people, so as to protect each other’s hearts from unnecessary harm.” Just mind-blowing how a “Christian” could think so casually about premarital relationships.

Still the same page – an example of a boundary he suggests to set: “allowing time or physical space between two people to protect or as a consequence for irresponsible behavior.” Wow, it sounds so much like time-out in psychological parenting books. Isn’t it clear that if you need to protect yourself physically from the other person then the relationship needs to end and irresponsibility is best treated in other ways?

And this is just the start… Another Christian reviewer may want to highlight and comment the next 30 pages, since it seems this worldly psychology get into Christian churches and minds without even being noticed.

May God bless us as we seek to follow Him and fulfill His commands in every sphere of our lives!

P.s. I am happily married for almost 12 years. Still glad that my husband was my first boyfriend. It’s worth building relationships on God’s principles.