Nataliya's Reviews > The Martian

2014: Sometimes I'm lucky enough to come across a book that makes me go all Whee-heeee! with the sincerest glee rivaling that of over-sugared-up kids about to open Christmas gifts.

“I can't wait till I have grandchildren. “When I was younger, I had to walk to the rim of a crater. Uphill! In an EVA suit! On Mars, ya little shit! Ya hear me? Mars!”

A book that makes me willingly turn my chronically sleep-deprived state into the acutely sleep-deprived one as I battle somnolence at 4 a.m. so that I can read just *one more* chapter (we all know how that one chapter somehow turns into a dozen as the sunrise starts lurking outside the window).

A book with the sense of humor that is a perfect match for my own (the one that occasionally causes some serious eyebrow-raising from my colleagues).

Meet The Martian by Andy Weir. The book I want to marry and have dorky wisecracking grandchildren with.

“So that’s the situation. I’m stranded on Mars. I have no way to communicate with Hermes or Earth. Everyone thinks I’m dead. I’m in a Hab designed to last 31 days.
If the Oxygenator breaks down, I’ll suffocate. If the Water Reclaimer breaks down, I’ll die of thirst. If the Hab breaches, I’ll just kind of explode. If none of those things happen, I’ll eventually run out of food and starve to death.
So yeah. I’m fucked.”

Mark Watney is an astronaut who is an engineer AND a botanist. He was the 17th human to set foot on Mars, and the first human to be abandoned there after being mistaken for dead. There's no way in hell he has enough supplies to last until a dubious chance of rescue (if NASA even figures out that he in fact is very much not dead). In a situation like this, I'd crap my pants and become breathing-challenged.

“Mars keeps trying to kill me.
Well... Mars didn't electrocute Pathfinder. So I'll amend that:
Mars and my stupidity keep trying to kill me.”

Mark, however, embarks on the determined survivalist adventure unrivaled since the time of Robinson Crusoe (and lacking the blatant and now painful colonialism of Defoe's protagonist). Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids, sure - but it may be just the kind of place to raise a few potatoes and fix up a few Mars rovers.

“I told NASA what I did. Our (paraphrased) conversation was:
Me: “I took it apart, found the problem, and fixed it.”
NASA: “Dick.”

Faced with a disaster after disaster, he beats all the odds and finds ways to survive in a true MacGyver way, using his brains (stuffed with all kinds of science, of course) and a few cosmic supplies. And duct tape. Can't forget the duct tape.

“Also, I have duct tape. Ordinary duct tape, like you buy at a hardware store. Turns out even NASA can’t improve on duct tape.”

“Yes, of course duct tape works in a near-vacuum. Duct tape works anywhere. Duct tape is magic and should be worshiped.”

MacGyverism is great, yeah. But what makes this book my literary soulmate and more addicting for me than a bag of crack laced with meth and sprinkled with chocolate (or whatever the drugs of choice may be now) is Mark Watney's near constant wisecracking that is EXACTLY the humor I *get* and I (sadly, perhaps) inflict on others.

[NASA guy on Earth]: “What must it be like?” He pondered. “He’s stuck out there. He thinks he’s totally alone and that we all gave up on him. What kind of effect does that have on a man’s psychology?”
He turned back to Venkat. “I wonder what he’s thinking right now.”

[MARK'S JOURNAL ON MARS]: LOG ENTRY: SOL 61

How come Aquaman can control whales? They’re mammals! Makes no sense.”

Ah, the sheer awesomeness of dorky humor peppered with bits of science that probably would work if used by someone who, unlike me, was a bit more experimentally-engineering inclined. Ah, the silly lowbrow puns that never fail to make me chuckle. Ah, the deadpan humor that never gets old. Ah, the beauty of never taking yourself too seriously. Mark Watney, you are my literary soulmate.

”I tested the brackets by hitting them with rocks. This kind of sophistication is what we interplanetary scientists are known for.”

“Ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Mars Vampires. I’ll have to risk it.”

“They say no plan survives first contact with implementation. I’d have to agree.”

No wonder Mark Watney can call himself the King of Mars. And even better:

“Here's the cool part: I will eventually go to Schiaparelli crater and commandeer the Ares 4 lander. Nobody explicitly gave me permission to do this, and they can't until I'm aboard Ares 4 and operating the comm system. After I board Ares 4, before talking to NASA, I will take control of a craft in international waters without permission.
That makes me a pirate!
A Space Pirate!”

So yeah, this book struck a perfect chord with me. It seemed to have somehow been written just for me, since of course I'm clearly the most important thing since sliced bread, or however that saying goes. All I know is that a book I read twice in three days is perfect for me.

5 stars.

“Yeah. This all sounds like a great idea with no chance of catastrophic failure.
That was sarcasm, by the way.”

—————
2021: I still love every page of it.