Dick pics. It’s the request some long for and others dread, that takes things to the next level; you might even hit this milestone before you actually meet in person. Dick pics might seem throwaway, the norm, but putting your body out into the world is an action built on trust. There are so many variables that can make this an unpleasant experience: they may not like it; they may not respond; they may share it with friends or the wider public without your consent; it may be used to impersonate you to attract others; it may not be reciprocated.
With all this in mind, you’d assume we’d be more hesitant to share intimate photos, but recent research by YouGov found that four in 10 millennial women have been sent an unsolicited dick pic – so, either they were chatting to a guy online and got a priapic bulletin they never asked for, or a random stranger sent a cock shot via Airdrop or social media.
Like all ancient customs given a new lease of life by tech, it has a catchy name: cyberflashing. The concept of ‘flashing’ may seem distant from the way we modern men live – the domain of leering pervs in raincoat in bushes, perhaps – but while most men would never dream of exposing themselves in a public place, when it comes to the emotional impact on victims, there’s no difference. With cyberflashing being made a criminal offence in 2022, and a recent report finding that Instagram is still failing to protect its users from unsolicited dick pics, sending nudes is a complicated and serious matter.
When we’re preparing to send photos of our naked bodies, then, we must ask ourselves what we’re hoping to get out of it. Our intent is everything. Run through a quick checklist in your head; it should take only a few seconds.
‘They seem like they might be up for it’ isn’t really enough. Some might argue spontaneity is sexy, and directly asking for consent takes the ‘magic’ out of the moment – but there are exceptions. Ask yourself why they’re so keen on defending the idea of taking someone unaware.
If they have asked for a nude, go tasteful with your first. Start with the rear view, or an ass shot, or a chest pic only. Building up to your money shot not only helps create excitement, it gives you extra steps along the way to a) confirm they really want to receive photos and b) be sure you definitely want to do this.
Brushing aesthetics aside, you might think the element of surprise from an unsolicited pic makes you look cheeky or brave; a man who knows what he wants. Consider the alternatives: maybe you look desperate or sad, like you’ve not been listening, or can’t be trusted to respect boundaries. The YouGov study found women who received a dick pic, even one they’ve asked for, were more likely to describe it as gross or stupid, than sexy or funny.
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Is this photo a genuine step in flirtation, or are you firing it off to shock or upset someone, or push the conversation to a level they might not be ready for, or rush the recipient into taking nudes themselves? This hardly ever works – you won’t win someone over with an unsolicited dick pic. Ask yourself why you’re chasing something that isn’t there, whether you really want to force someone into validating you.
Once you’ve established that you’re not sending a dick pic for the wrong reasons, then you might want to consider what you’re both hoping to get out of this exchange. There doesn’t need to be any master plan – sending and receiving nudes can, very simply, just be hot. “Sending a dick pic can be a fun and playful thing to do,” says Silva Neves, a psychosexual and relationship therapist. “It can be a way to charge up the space between the person sending and the one receiving with erotic vibes.”
But, he adds: “It’s a good idea to have a conversation about the reason, motivation, or use of the dick pic before it’s sent. Is it to check if someone wants to meet for sex? So, an ‘assessment’ pic. Is it for fun and fantasies before a sexual encounter, like a kind of foreplay? Or is it for masturbatory purposes with no intentions to meet in real life?” Establishing this means you can both be on the same page, so there’s no confusion or, god forbid, disappointment post-pic.
Even when sending pics someone has asked for, check it’s actually them. In addition to cyberflashing being made a crime, it is illegal to send indecent photos to anyone under 18, even if they ask you to.
This is also an essential step when it comes to protecting yourself, too. “Once you send a picture, it doesn’t belong to you anymore, in the sense that anyone can use it as they wish – you no longer have control of that picture,” warns Neves. “So it’s important to send a dick pic that doesn’t show any identifying features.” It’s a sad fact that anyone who sends a nude with their face in it becomes vulnerable to blackmail, and, as Neves points out, a lot of scammers make it their job to use these photos to extract money from people. So, as well as being certain that you’re talking to someone trustworthy, consider leaving your face out of the shot.
If it’s 10AM on a Tuesday and you know the person you’re sending a dick pic to will be in the office, then maybe don’t send it. In fact, definitely don’t send it unless they’ve told you they’re into that kind of thing.
It’s not just about the time of day. You also need to ask: is this an appropriate time in this specific relationship to send a dick pic? This will be different for every individual and every relationship. One person might love sending nudes early on – even on the first day you start talking – another may prefer to wait until you’re further into your relationship, and some may never want to.
To give you one perspective, 26-year-old pseudonymous Helen, a self-proclaimed dick pic fan, says: “The best time for me to receive one is after we’ve already chatted a bit and got to know each other. If you’re sending a dick pic the first day we’re chatting, then I’m likely to be turned off, but if we’ve been chatting for a while and have gone into sexy talk, then it can be great. Asking for consent to send is sexy, too and a great way not to be creepy.”
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This goes both ways. Set boundaries. Have standards. Agree early in a conversation that either you don’t send nudes, or they should be deleted, or not shared with anyone else. Whether they follow your wishes or not, if you’re clear about your own boundaries, it will lead to healthier, more trusting interactions online. There’s nothing wrong with sending nudes, but you’ll get more respect if you set and stick to your own guidelines, rather than adopt a scattergun approach.
If in doubt, let the photo sit unsent for 45 minutes and go off and do something else.
If you’ve considered all of the above and confidently established that, yes, this person would like to see a photo of me naked, you can begin thinking about angles, lighting, and the general mise-en-scène. As Marc McAulay, a porn actor and producer from Edinburgh, puts it: “Nothing turns me off more than when a guy sends loads of nudes without even saying hello.”
But, once you do have the go-ahead, you might want to consider how to make it as hot as possible before sending. To kick things off, you need to decide (or ask!) what kind of pic the other person might want. “I get a feel for the person with chats, and when it feels right, I’ll ask if they want to swap private pictures, then, if they’re up for it, I’ll send a dick one,” says McAulay.
Most of the time, you won’t be able to just arbitrarily photograph your dick and hope for the best – snapping a good pic takes thought and, sometimes, planning. One key element is to figure out the best angle. “We all want it to look bigger, and that comes down to how you take it,” continues McAulay. “I always put the camera into selfie mode, and take it with the balls and erection in full view. You can capture some really impressive shots this way.” Next, lighting. Typically, natural light works best, but you can’t always guarantee the sun will shine at the right moment, so it’s worth having a back-up plan. McAulay, for example, has portable LED lights, which he uses to brighten his nudes – particularly when he’s taking a full-body shot. In these kinds of photos, you also have to consider your setting. “I like to lay on the sofa or bed,” says McAulay. “I take off my boxers and jeans, so I’m completely naked [in my lower half], but I do like to leave a vest or a sports top on – personally I find it hot.”
Once you’re happy with the final result – and sure of the other person’s consent – you can press send. When it comes to the message that accompanies your photo, that’s up to you and the dynamics of your relationship with its receiver. Maybe an emoji would suffice, or a cheeky quip, or even a request for a pic in return. Making sure you're on the same page by this stage ensures that you can send with confidence, as McAulay says: “By the time I send a dick pic to someone, I’ll have a feel for their personality.”
