A reader asked: “I strongly suspect that my husband is developing dementia. Our fighting has stopped, but it’s a lonely place to be. I’m not thrilled about spending my retirement years as a caregiver. It’s a huge sacrifice that will narrow my own life significantly. Do we both need to go down with the ship? Can I leave now (and let his family deal with this)? Or am I obligated to stay and care for him?”
Sarah Loud
1mo
I think it's terrible as well. Food for thought: The statistics of men leaving women in similar, if not worse, situations and much more immediately than pausing to consider it, are staggering. Well known in the social services, hospice and health care industries. Not implying any favor for her abandoning him, but a worthwhile consideration. As is my personal opinion none of their business and vice versa, but-for having published it herein.
No one is obligated to do anything they don’t want you to do. In sickness and in health are part of the set of words that people say when they get married. So leaving when the sickness becomes an unintended reality is a big decision to make and might inform other about your integrity and question that in anything else you do. I guess whether or not you become the primary care giver for your partner depends on what your financial resources are. A 24x7 live in nurse with the expertise to deal with dementia is an option you can still care for your partner but not have to deal with the icky stuff.
Dereck Gilbert
1mo
A lot of words to say you don't love your husband and want to walk away as soon as it's not fun for you anymore.
Ray Pelletier
1mo
Sandra Day O’Connor: "Many caregivers make similarly difficult decisions each and every day. Sadly, these life-changing decisions are simply part of caring for someone with Alzheimer’s." She continued: "Clearly, Alzheimer’s disease is a family disease. It may directly attack only one member of a family. But every member of that family feels the effects. Every member loses something." In the advanced stage of John's disease, while he was staying at a care facility, he developed a relationship with another woman, as he no longer recognized his wife, according to a 2007 Phoenix television report. John and Sandra's son, Scott O'Connor, said his mother was happy for her husband to be comfortable. "Mom was thrilled that Dad was relaxed and happy and comfortable living here and wasn't complaining," Scott told KPNX-TV in an earlier interview, per The Arizona Republic. In Sandra's 2008 remarks to the Senate, she explained, "Eventually, formerly self-reliant, articulate and loving family members lose the ability to bathe, dress or eat without help ... lose the ability to communicate ... and fail to recognize the spouse or the children for whom they have cared so deeply for so many years." John died one year later, at the age of 79.
It’s a free country.
James Guthrie
1mo
Well thanks for saying out loud what most Americans do already, but its one of those topics your not supposed to speak about, but society norms in American these days are broken beyond repair so have at it.
Dan Rowley
1mo
wow... really. why are you publishing this reader's letter NYT?
Rich Smyth
1mo
What a horrible human being! Shame on you!
The times editor’s title ignores the complexity and nuance of the letter — it’s a more nuanced issue.
Retired, Enrolled Agent (EA), Electronic Engineer, Project Engineer, Budget Manager, Spectrum Manager, Telecommunications Manager
1mo“… in good times and bad, in sickness and in health …” doesn’t mean much any more, I guess. So, did you lie when taking the vows or now that you want to get a divorce? What would you say if the roles were reversed?!