The human mind is a strange thing. I can be - and have been - sitting in paradise, surrounded by beauty, love, and happiness, and somehow find my way back to misery. My brain seems hellbent on returning to scenes from years past, to a life I left behind, to the streets where I should have died and the places I saw death. It seems to be escalating here lately, I’m not sure if it’s the upcoming tenth anniversary of the day I lost my freedom for the first time and my double life was blown into public discourse, if it’s writing this book, or if it’s just one of those seasons that’s harder than others. Regardless of the cause, I’m going through it lately. Outside looking in, I should be the happiest and most fulfilled man on earth. But I’m far from it. I’m not sleeping, and when I do, the nightmares make me not want to anymore. It’s hard to eat, I have no appetite. Playing with the kids is tough because I have so little energy, but I’m doing my best. Bills don’t care how tired I am so work has to press forward, and because expenses mount, so must the ventures. No rest for the weary. I feel my age, the aches and pains and pops and crackles remind me I’ve put my body through an awful lot, which is making the gym exceptionally painful, not the stress relief it used to be. But… I could be back in this house or one like it, with nothing to my name but a habit. Instead, I’m going back to all the houses where I should have died and where I watched my friends die, and I’m doing all I can to change them, and those streets, into something positive. This pic is from 2022, I was a little less than three years clean and staring at a sink vividly remembering making myself grits in a microwave filled with baby roaches that used to sit right there on the counter just eight years prior. My buddy’s blood was still on the floor behind me, apparently the house hadn’t been lived in or cleaned since. This house was my hell. Our hell. I made it out, I should be eternally grateful for that, and I am, but it’s the one house in South Memphis I suffered in that I haven’t been able to bring under our control to turn into something better. Just wasn’t meant to be, I guess, but sometimes I wonder if that’s what it’s gonna take for me to have closure on what were the worst days of my life. …or maybe that’s the point… Maybe I’m not supposed to have closure there because lack of it is what keeps me pushing forward so hard to pull others out of hell. Anyway…I’m going through a rough time, verbalizing it helps, so thanks for reading my rant. Prayers always appreciated and I love everyone on this journey by my side.
Hang in there, Brother. You are in the crucible right now and the Good Lord is crafting, molding and putting a burr shine on you for the next Mission He has for you. Remember, if you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, that leaves no energy or passion for the day we have been blessed with. There’s another rendition of this that’s more vivid, you know it. Prayers being lifted up for you and Jess, consistently.
Ben, I think it is very important for you to keep things in perspective. Your work is important AND effective, but the need is great and your resources ARE limited. As long as you are doing everything that you have the resources to do, you can hold your head up and KNOW that you are having an extraordinary impact. But, it’s also important to remember that you have a life and people who love you and depend on you. You MUST stay in balance with each area of your life - your work, your physical health, your family, your spiritual health and growth - all of these are equally important if you are to stay in the battle in a sustainable way. Each of these has a pull on you, but BALANCE is the key - DON’T neglect any of them! Your Mission will always be there, but you won’t be able to be effective at it if you neglect these other things, and some of them won’t always be there if they are neglected. I am specifically thinking of your young daughter. Be fully there for her especially! Be there for your wife! I used to be in business development, and one of the lessons I’ve learned and taught is that sometimes in our work we need to be working ON the business rather that IN the business. For you, that may be a hard thing. Praying for you!!
Hey Ben - I just wanted to reward your candor with some validation. That kind of angry pain is just so real. I just went through something where all this old psych injury suddenly got kicked up by COVID neuro symptoms with some swelling. I had to really focus on bringing that swelling down with herbs and CBD. Some OTC medicines just cannot get the swelling down. Fiber and detox regimen will help your liver get additives that aggravate your brain tissue to move out. I can tell you that I didn't feel right. I had serious transitory anger that I didn't really trust. God is truly beside you in those moments. That anger and pain passes through like loud train and then things are okay again. While it's happening it feels like someone trying to break your life in half. So Congratulations. You're still here and God had a plan all along.
I got your back brother. You can’t carry the weight of the world though. Put it down. Jesus literally carried the weight of the world, yet lived a life of joy, peace and love. Just like putting down the door, it began with a decision. The world is not yours to carry. I tried and failed, but when I made the conscience decision to let go, truly let go and let God have it, my life changed forever. Think of this… God has a plan for Memphis, he will accomplish his plan…He is using you, but he can do it without you. Rest in the fact that he has called you by name to accomplish something and he will complete his work in you first, then in Memphis. Walk in faith knowing He’s got this. He will provide. Don’t try to build past his blessings. Maybe slow down. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day, David didn’t see his God’s temple completed, Solomon did. God will finish what He started. Just walk in and enjoy each day to its fullest. Just my thoughts on the matter.
Life and death were set before you and you chose life. Now take captive the negative and debilitating thoughts that come into your head and tell the devil, “not today”. Whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. You are doing a good work but you have to take care of yourself also. Do something for yourself. Be kind to yourself. You do for others, but you can’t do for anyone if your mind has you trapped. God bless you brother. I will be praying for you.
I am not a close brother BUT, I am in prayer. This I tell my kids often. You are enough just the way you are. You can only go up from here. Set small achievable goals like an old retired person trying to find purpose. Reach out to your faith leader, focus on those things you are grateful for. My favorite quote from James Allen which is still true; “A man’s mind is attracted to that which he thinks about most of the time.” Pray with gratitude and more things to be grateful for will be yours. It is not easy but, as you already know, to change anything you must replace that habit with a change in environment. That environment is also in our minds. You are enough! You can only go up from here. You only need to focus on one day, one step, one thought forward at a time. You have put a lot on your plate and if you haven’t already, get a planner, block out me, family and prayer time. It takes the stress out of our lives. You are enough! You can only go up from here.
Ben, so grateful for your sheer vulnerability. You fought to survive. Many of us, including my dear friend Sha Stephens, understand. When our past creeps up in our mind - shove that right back where it came from. The enemy of our soul wanted to steal, kill, and destroy. Brother, you are good. You are breathing, you are taking it one step at a time. Do NOT be discouraged. Hit those knees, along with us, and cry out to our Holy Father God. He will NOT leave us. He will NOT allow us to be taken over. One of my favorite verses is Ephesians 5:8 ‘For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light.’ I know now why I’m still awake at 1:06 am. Just for you, brother. You are worth every prayer prayed for you. I’m on it …this very minute. Asking God to send warring angels of protection around you right now. Rest, warrior. You deserve it. Better days are coming.
Recovery, one day at a time program. The up side is not using or drinking. What got us down is still there dancing around in our heads….self esteem, self respect, self love is what I strive for. Some days yes and some days not so….still not using or drinking so I have to give myself credit for simply showing up some days. I’m involved in making my world a better place, giving back it the best way I can. That fills my heart. One day at a time is life’s gift. I came into this life taking a big breath and as long as I’m breathing I’m doing my best.
I hear you. You are doing some great things. I hear you say that you have several blessings with family and loved ones around you. So please do yourself a favor and your loved ones. Try to slow down enough to be able to enjoy time with each other. Some things are sacred. . The one thing You can never get back is time. I can remember my parents fighting over financial obligations. When by all means they should have been celebrating. What you doing with the community redevelopment is awesome. Just wanted the coolest things I've seen on the internet in a long time. I hope to be able to do stuff like you soon in spring Hill where I live near Tampa. Keep up the good work man. I never let the demons trick you into. Welcoming that kind of hell back into your life.
Project Manager Al
1moHey brother. I can’t speak for everyone, but I have read your posts and spent a lot of time reflecting on my past and drew strength from the meaning and realness of your story. I not only lived through the addiction of my parents but I have lost so many friends and family to it. You have helped me realize how important it is to be more than just a survivor of it and to help others. I personally would like to say thank you.