Do You Feel Like a Square Peg in a Round Hole?

Whether it be not saying no when deep down we know we should, or it be not setting personal boundaries around what we will and will not do for ourselves, many of us don't set boundaries. On the Quietly Visible podcast this week I talk about the need to set boundaries, why we don't do it, and how to go about it. Click on the link above, open in another tab and listen to the episode.

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Do You Feel Like a Square Peg in a Round Hole?

Feeling like a square peg in a round hole is a phrase that has come up in a number of coaching sessions recently. And there are many leaders beyond my clients that feel like this, who are not being their true selves.

There is value in difference and having a diverse range of people in an organisation can bring a wealth of creativity and innovation if people feel like their differences are accepted. But not all organisations accept difference (despite saying they do), and not all people accept (or even acknowledge) their difference.

I am not just referring to the obvious differences that can be seen, or those that fall within the protected characteristics. I am also talking about differences in thinking and learning styles. Differences in the time of day someone is at their optimal. Differences in accent, and many others.

Trying to be a square peg in a round hole is stressful

A one size fits all approach doesn’t serve everyone, but many people try to fit themselves into a one size fits all approach when it is not right for them. The result being they end up feeling like a square peg in a round hole.

I’ve had clients struggle all their lives to be a particular way because it is what they thought was expected. Because they found it so hard, they’ve believed that something was wrong with them. The sense of freedom they get is enlightening when I help them to see that there is nothing wrong with them and that they can be themselves.  

When you don’t fit the norm of the dominant group, it can be challenging to stand out on a limb and be yourself. We all have a sense of belonging and wanting to fit in, and if we don’t feel like we belong, insecurities can raise their head.

So, what many people do is struggle to be something that they are not. I’ve had clients who are not morning people and are at their optimal in the afternoon, force themselves to try and be at their best in the morning and in doing so, become stressed. All because we have been conditioned into a 9 to 5 way of working.

Just because we've always done it, doesn't mean it can't be changed

But does the 9 to 5 continue to serve us? The 9 to 5 working day is said to have been introduced by the Ford Motor Company in the 1920s, as an attempt to stop the exploitation of factory workers. But the world of work now is considerably different to the way it was back then, and for many organisations there is no longer a need to continue working in that way.

This would benefit the many people who come alive in the afternoon instead of them struggling to be morning people when they’re not. It would enable them to work in a way that plays to their strengths and motivation, which would be more empowering and make them more productive. For many people, their working arrangements of the past 18 months have shown that this is possible.

If this is you and it is only possible for you to work 9 to 5, look at how you can organise your work according to how your energy flows. Also, look at what you need to do to prepare yourself beforehand. For example, if you know you have meetings first thing when you are not at your best, how can you prepare yourself in advance so that you will be at the best you can be?

Are you an introverted square peg in an extroverted round hole?

I often see introverted leaders working in extroverted environments putting on an extroverted persona. They act and behave in ways that are not natural to them, and it is starting to take its toll. They feel like square pegs in round holes.

This chips away at their self-confidence and imposter syndrome is a regular occurrence. It can also have a negative impact on their performance.

Being yourself in an environment where you are different requires a strong self-belief. This is particularly so where the culture doesn’t reflect difference. When you have a healthy dose of self-belief and can be yourself, it is empowering, and you naturally feel more confident.

A word of caution though, being yourself doesn’t mean you don’t have to adapt. All leaders need to be able to adapt their approach in order to get the best outcomes. However, if you feel that adapting compromises your values and who you are, then ask yourself whether that is the kind of environment that you want to be in.

Recognise and acknowledge that this is happening

The first thing to stop being a square peg in a round hole is to recognise and acknowledge that this is happening. You may not even realise that this is the case but if you feel that something that is required of you, or being a certain way is a constant struggle, ask yourself why it is so.

Explore what it will mean for you to be your natural self or to do things in ways that play to your strengths. Reflect on those situations where this happens automatically. What is it about them that is different? What learning can you take from them?

If you are worried or fearful about not being good enough, not fitting in, or have other self-limiting beliefs, address this. If it is something you’re not able to do on your own, get support with it.

If you are different to the dominant group, embrace your difference rather than being a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.

Do you feel like you’re a square peg in a round hole? If so, what can you do about it?

About Me

I am an Executive and Career Coach specialising in introverted women who are senior leaders. I've been the featured expert in Women and Home Magazine, Good Housekeeping Magazine, the Telegraph, on BBC Radio 5 Live, named a LinkedIn Top Voice UK 4 years running, and received awards for my work developing women leaders.

Through my work I have helped 1000s of women across the globe to increase their confidence, influence and impact as leaders, and overcome imposter syndrome, increase their executive presence, and improve speaking performance in meetings. My vision is that ALL women achieve their full potential and become spheres of influence for positive change in their respective fields.

If you are an introverted woman and a senior leader and want to increase your confidence, influence and impact, take my free assessment and get a report identifying areas to develop. You can take the assessment here. 

My book Quietly Visible: Leading with Influence and Impact as an Introverted Woman addresses many of the challenges that introverted women face as leaders and shows you how to overcome them. It was listed as one of the 10 best self-development books written by women to read during lockdown by BeYourOwn. You can get your copy here along with a FREE recording of my How to Overcome Imposter Syndrome workshop.