My Dad — My Hero

Few things in life truly prepare us for the loss of a loved one. 

We each live unique lives, and have our own experiences, often shared with others, sometimes not. Many of us share some commonalities. We are each born to a Mother and a Father. As infants we are cared for. As children we are loved, we learn and we grow. As teenagers we rebel, and as adults we reflect, perhaps become parents of our own children, continuing the circle of life. Family, faith, spirituality, individuality, can be there for us along the journey of life. However, when we lose a parent, or a child, we are faced with a monumental moment. We each process these moments differently. 

In July of 2021 my Dad was diagnosed with #glioblastoma, an aggressive and deadly form of #braincancer. It came out of nowhere, at the age of 69. I grieved immediately. I cried. I felt anger, sadness, confusion, fear. Those emotions never left me, however my focus changed very quickly. My focus, my role became that of #caregiver. Trials, medical opinions, breakthroughs, all of it I read and researched tirelessly. I believe I did everything I could, up until the end. I made Dad my entire focus, his needs came first. I had to be there for him, it was my responsibility, the job of a son. 

On January 25, 2022, my father passed away from complications due to glioblastoma. I offered these words of remembrance (names and content edited for privacy and length) during his funeral mass, however these words do not, and cannot sum up the man he was and the life he led. They are, however, a brief glimpse into his life, our lives, and the love we shared. 

If you or someone you know is battling glioblastoma, or any form of #terminalcancer, please know that you are not alone. There are others that have come before you and unfortunately more that will come after. Let us continue to #pray and #support #research to cure #cancer. Thank you to Rhode Island Hospital, HopeHealth Hospice, and Visiting Nurses Home and Hospice for your tireless efforts. 

My Dad — My Hero

Donald F. Schuler. Son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, friend, brother-in-law, uncle, colleague, husband, father, father in law, grandfather, Pop Pop. 

They say that we come into this world alone — but that’s not exactly true. When my Dad, Donald entered the world to Robert and Grace Schuler, he was surrounded by LOVE. From the moment he opened his eyes, looking back at him were the people who would love him for the rest of his life. He came home to a house full of LOVE. In his life from day one was his brother and sister, whom he loved so much. Grandson to Nana, and great grandson to Nana and Grammy. Nephew to Aunt G, Uncle J, and Auntie and Uncie. Cousin to D and J. Not long after Dad was born, came his cousin G, whom he would LOVE and laugh with for nearly 70 years, and whom he would meet his partner in crime much to the chagrin of their parents, my mother and me. They were truly book-ends. After a few years in Queens, the family would move out east to the formerly rural hamlet of Wantagh NY, now growing in the mid 1950’s as a bustling post-war suburban community, right along the tracks of the Long Island Rail Road leading to New York City.

Dad would grow up there, at Merikoke & Jones, around the corner from Auntie, Uncie, D and G. He would grow up enjoying summers in the Rockaways as the family had since the turn of the century. Dad would explore the south shore of Long Island with his friends, Douggy, Jerry, Scott, John, and Al, fishing and swimming in the summers, bike riding endlessly in the falls and springs, and sledding and ice skating around the hills, ponds and in the woods and shadows of Twin Lakes in the winters. He would learn to swim at an early age, having a lifeguard for a Father, and a boater on the great south bay. He would become an excellent lifelong swimmer. As a teenager Dad was not one for sports, and spent more time body surfing on the waves of Jones Beach… a true Long Islander. On one such surfing adventure, he dislocated his knee while out in deep water. When he waved to shore, his friends assumed he was just saying hello, and they waved back. His father, the lifeguard, knew better, and swam in to save Dad's life.  

As a teenager Dad enjoyed bowling. After his mother would drop him off to church, He would walk across the street, and stop in at Wantagh Lanes, never quite making his way into St. Francis. However, he would admit that he did more praying at Wantagh Lanes than he ever did in church. 

In 1966, Dad became a big brother to his baby sister L. More love entered his life, and he would be smitten with her for the rest of his life. The sound of her voice and presence filled my Dad’s heart with happiness. 

Dad didn’t exactly enjoy school growing up. Why would he? There was so much more to explore outside of the brick building of WHS. However, after what has been described as a heated family dinner discussion, Dad found himself enrolled at Eastern Military Academy, at Oheka Castle. This was not something he enjoyed. Although his brother was in the military and enjoyed the high and tight life, Dad found himself marching in dress parades on Sundays and dreading the military lifestyle. This was not acceptable to Donny Schuler… So you might be asking yourself, how could he get out of this one? Well, like any teenager with a little ingenuity, and youthful ignorance, and courage, he planned an escape. Yes, you read that correctly, Don Schuler, the kindest and gentlest man that we all know escaped from military school. 

He and his accomplice planned their escape very carefully. Pulling off the stripes of their uniform pants, waiting for the guards to be out of sight, and hopping the walls of the historic Oheka Castle under the cover of darkness. Their plan seemed solid; jump the wall, hop a train, and find freedom. However, freedom did not last very long, as their big idea ended at the accomplices' home. They ate junk food all night, and when Dad's eyes opened the next morning, who was standing over him? A very unhappy Father. In the living room was the commander of the military academy. After an expletive from his Father, Dad jumped out of bed and met his fate. After a long car ride home, feelings changed, and he would be allowed to return home, with a promise that he would be good. He kept that promise for the rest of his life. On his return to high school the kid that was “kicked out of military school” never had to worry about his reputation. 

In the summers Dad worked his teenage years at Jones Beach, flipping hot dogs in the hot summer sun. After High School Dad worked a few odd jobs, as a glazier, and painter before joining the civil service. That’s where he would meet a young and beautiful girl from the five towns, my Mom. They would be married, and would begin a lifetime of love and laughter together.

After a honeymoon in Hawaii, their next adventure was the purchase of a great dane. A very large dog, with a very big heart. The dog had been abused, and found running on the Long Island Expressway. When he was found he was afraid of people. Dad changed that very quickly. Around this time he also began his employment with the County. Working with life-long friend Uncle Jim, Dad would work endless hours, many doubles and triples, nights, holidays, weekends providing for our family. It was a dirty job, and someone had to do it. In fact he got me a job at the same place when I was in college, cleaning toilets, sweeping and mopping floors and painting every garage door on site. The work was tough but Dad knew it was work that would build a foundational work ethic for me. He was right. The silver lining was that with hard work, comes a good reward. That reward would lead to an early retirement when Dad was just 55 years old.  

Mom and Dad moved into a tiny house not long after losing his own Father. Within a couple of years it was decided that his Mother, and sister would move into a mother/daughter apartment that was to be built onto the house. This would indeed shape my own life, and provide an excellent example of how a son takes care of his family. Since the families immigrated to the United States in the mid 1800’s, our families would live in some form or another as extended families through my own childhood in the 90’s. Over a hundred years of family surrounded by family.  It’s why to this day we are all so incredibly close. 

In 1984, Donny would become a Dad. The BEST Dad a son can ask, or wish for. The big hugs, and kisses and cuddles that I never grew out of. In my childhood, the clear sound of the front door unlocking and hearing Dad come in after a late night shift filled my heart. He would check in on me, and if my eyes were open he would lay beside me, after a twelve or sixteen hour shift, and let me hold his arm while I drifted off to sleep. Or we’d get up and I’d sit with him as he made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a tall glass of milk. We would become the best of friends. I am so blessed to be able to say that he was my best friend. 

Growing up much like my Father did was a blessing. Having Nana and my Aunt upstairs was a blessing. As you can see, the theme of my Father's life is that he was always surrounded by love, family, and laughter. Living with extended family nurtured that atmosphere of love. However, the heartbeat of our household was right on the first floor of this home, right side window. Mom and Dad’s love built a home and a family. My Dad treated my Mom well, he loved her, and she loved him and that love endures. He made her laugh, even when he wasn't trying. My memory is so clear, waking up through my childhood to the soft sounds of my parents' voices talking about the day, the week ahead, family, finances among the clanging spoons of coffee and tea cups, and the aluminum baseball bats of the nearby elementary school. The sounds of my childhood are so clear, and comforting. Mom and Dad planned, and saved to make a life, and especially to provide a life for their son. 

Dad provided good lessons too for being a husband, and for fatherhood. In fact in the early 90’s. Many of you will remember the big ticket item that Suzanne Somers was pushing. Dad left me a very good lesson one unforgettable Christmas. You see, Dad bought Mom that hot ticket item, the Thighmaster. This was a good example of what NOT to ever purchase your wife. That Thighmaster stayed in the box and has followed them for three homes and two states. Perhaps as a reminder…perhaps as a threat? Laughter kept our home, and all of us sane. My Dad was the source of much of that humor. 

We would go on countless adventures together. In fact one such adventure was in the fall of 1993 when we joined a bowling league at good-old Wantagh Lanes. The league was a mother daughter league right up until 1993. We joined when it went co-ed. But apparently we were the only father and son team to get that memo. I’m sorry, but my Dad bowled the best season of his life that year, and we took home first prize, much to the surprise, anger and tears of many mothers and daughters. Guess all that praying paid off. We both kept our trophies to this day, as a proud reminder of the year we took home the gold. 

Or the time we went snorkeling in Florida, in a giant man-made tank. All was going well until we spotted a hammerhead shark swimming on the bottom of the tank. We were at least twenty feet above it, and the sound of my heavy breathing could be heard by Mom on the walkway bridge above. I can still feel my Dad’s gentle hand under my chest keeping me calm as we reached the end. He was always protecting me. 

Since Dad worked so many hours, he could not serve as a scout leader in my Scout Troop. However, on one of my first scouting trips, he joined us, and he was the hero of the weekend. There was a shooting range at the camp, and the older scouts were able to go and shoot 22 rifles while us younger scouts stayed back at camp and worked on knife safety. Learning how to use a pocket knife safely from the late old Scoutmaster Mr. M, who had also lived on Merikoke and knew my Grandfather. Well, at the end of the day when the scouts returned from shooting, there was quite a ruckus upon their return, and they were all praising MY Dad. Apparently when they went to the range, the range master had neglected to put his truck in park, and it began to roll away. The most unlikely, and normally slowest man in the group, Don Schuler jumped into action running after the rolling truck, and jumping in to stop it. I remember being so proud.

I can also remember the trip we took to sleep on the Battleship Massachusetts. If you don't know, my Dad chopped wood during the night, in other words he snored a mighty snore. So imagine if you will, sleeping in a giant tin can, and the sound that might echo in that tin can. In the morning, after the first night, all the scout leaders and parents gathered at breakfast and complained of how no one got any sleep thanks to that guy who was snoring all night long. My Dad joined that conversation by saying:

"Oh my God could you believe that guy?”

Another adventure came when it was time for me to start driving. Dad hated being in the car when I was learning to drive. He would get so nervous. When I parked in a parking spot I’d have to let him out the door first. Oddly enough then, when it came time to find my first car, he was adamant that it must be a Firebird, like the 78 Trans-Am he drove. He surprised me when we went to look at a Firebird. He insisted, and I did not decline. 

Dad had a great sense of humor,  it was made up of a little sickness, inappropriate at all times, or quite frankly shocking. 

Dad enjoyed time together with family, playing board games, or video games, especially the Nintendo Wii. Thankfully Dad was never a sore loser. However, he was a very sore winner. In fact, if my Dad won a game, we would NEVER hear the end of it. He would send me screenshots of high scores on his games, just to dig it a little deeper. When he lost, he was pretty quiet. When he won though, the worst. He had many interests and hobbies including deep sea diving, salt-water aquariums, fishing and boating. 

My Dad also loved movies. His favorites included Westerns, Sci. Fi, Star Trek, Kung-Fu, Spiderman, Dances with Wolves, and White Christmas with Bing Crosby.  In fact, in White Christmas there is a scene that perhaps you all may know. Toward the end of the movie when General Waverly is being led into to what he thinks is a small show of Wallace and Davis, he is surprised by the hundreds of his soldiers that came out on a snowy Christmas Eve to say their good-byes, one last time to the old general. In that scene the camera pans on General Waverly’s expression, one of pride, and love. That scene made my Dad cry every time. However, that feeling of pride and peace, I’d like to believe that is the expression my Dad would have right now as we’re all gathered here today with fresh snowfall, to say our goodbye and express our love for him. 

Before Dad retired he and Mom moved out east where they could finally enjoy their dream home. Nice floor plan, nice size yard, all was perfect. My wife and I were living in New England and enjoyed our Long Island visits throughout the year. Life was moving right along until a house came up for sale, just around the corner from us. A lake-house on a beautiful waterfront property. I called my Dad to tell him about it, and since one of his daily hobbies was surfing the real estate market along the entire east coast, he zeroed in on this one. When they came up to visit and scope out the house, it was in much need of repair, and re-design. Carpeting on the walls. It did not seem like a dream home until they looked out the back windows. Dad and I walked out to the backyard, looked out onto the water, and the setting sun, looked back at each other wide eyes and knew this was it. Right around the corner from me. These new streets would become my Dad's Merikoke and Jones. His dreams of being close to family were on repeat. It was meant to be.

The first summer in the new house, our neighbors let us borrow their pontoon boat to see the lake for the first time. Dad drove the boat, and he was in his glory. When we made the first turn outside of the cove, and looked out on what seemed like an endless view of water we were all in awe. Dad was a bit nervous about getting lost and not finding his way back, as were we. He had his fathers sense of direction so we all made sure to find some landmarks. We knew this was going to be the best years of all our lives, and they were, and they still are. See, Dad knew this was our family's future. This would provide a legacy and a future for his loved ones. He knew it better than anyone, and we will continue to live our lives to the fullest right here in our little paradise.

The 9 years that Dad had on the shores of his lake-side home I’d like to think were his best years. He bought not one but two boats. Kayaking, tubing, fishing, bonfires. It was his paradise. 

Paradise became even better when in 2016 Dad would become Pop-Pop. My son made Dad a Grandfather for the first time, and he was once again in LOVE, and looked upon my son into the loving eyes of a beautiful baby boy. Not long after, more love, as he met his granddaughter. And when she arrived, my Dad was in his glory. He babysat for her every day after my wife and I went back to work. Handled every bottle, every nap. For over three years, he was her sidekick. Taking her to dance class every week, and snuggling with her for nap times. My daughter has two favorite people in this order, her Mother and my Father. She would call him her cutie. My daughter showed him unusual care and love especially over these past few months. It was incredible. My kids have been so blessed to feel the love of their Pop Pop through the early years of their childhood. He surrounded them with Love, and I know his love will stay with them for the rest of their lives. 

…..

They say that we leave this world alone — but that’s not exactly true either. Because Don Schuler, from the moment he opened his eyes to the moment he closed them, was always surrounded by those that loved him. And now, as he opens his eyes again to the next life, I believe he is being met with the loving eyes of the same people that welcomed him into this world, as they welcome him the next. 

The past six months have not been easy for my Dad, or for our family. A good friend of mine offered these words:

“Nothing good lasts forever, and nothing bad does either”

Let us all heed those words as they’ve provided context and comfort to us all. Life is short, life is precious. 

Early on in this journey, he lost his ability to speak, and became mostly non-verbal. This is known as aphasia. This added a new challenge, however in losing his words, his new primary communication became that of love and laughter. We laughed all the time, every day, every night. We smiled, we laughed, and Mom and I never left his side. I would describe my Dad to the countless people who have come in and out of our lives this past year as the most kind and gentle man throughout his life. But then, he showed a new side during this journey, that of courage, bravery and grace. Courage in the face of fear, bravery in the face of the unknown, and grace in the face of a terminal disease. I believe through God’s love, through our families love he was strengthened. He did not lose this battle with cancer. He won it, the cancer is gone. He had to give his life to defeat it and he is now at peace. We cannot thank enough the caring teams of people and support that has come into our lives. They treated Dad and Mom and I with care, patience, kindness, compassion and dignity. They were angels. And speaking of Angles, there were angels among us. Debbie, Katie, and G. Each of you gave so much of yourselves to help support us all during this past year, we can never thank you enough. You each enriched Dad’s life when it was needed most. It was not sacrifice, it was integrity that kept you coming back week after week and you should each be so proud of what you did for us all. You have been an inspiration. 

And to my Mom, for always giving every last bit of energy to be there for Dad during his toughest days.

I’m so proud of you Mom for your steadfastness. For keeping the vows you made so long ago, in sickness and in health to love forever. You did that for Dad in his eyes and in the eyes of God. You should be so proud and content. You should also look forward to a new chapter in our lives. One that Dad would want written. One that includes spending time with your grandkids, your friends, building ridiculous contraptions, the upcoming vacations and dinners out. We have so much to look forward to. 

I’ll also say that I have been privileged to care for my Dad these past six months. He showed me I could do more than I ever thought possible. Next to being a father myself, my life’s greatest accomplishment was having the honor and privilege to spend everyday with you. I promised that I would never leave your side just like you never left mine. Thank you Dad for allowing me my life’s greatest honor. 

Although today we mourn, we should also celebrate. We should celebrate the life that my Dad led, one that was so rich, surrounded by love, family and laughter. I will forever be blessed to have been able to call Don Schuler, my Dad. I will miss him. But he is not really gone, no one is ever really gone that has left such an indelible mark on the lives of others, all of us here today. He lives on in our hearts, through the love we share, the laughter we enjoy, and the dirty jokes we tell. He will always be in my heart, and in my mind until the day I take my own last breath. Thank you God for giving us Donald Schuler for almost 70 years. This world is better, and we are better for having had the privilege of knowing him. And thank you Dad for being the best son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, friend, brother-in-law, uncle, colleague, husband, father, father in law and grandfather, Pop Pop. Our love for you is eternal. 

Cheers Dad.

Wishing you calm waters. ♥