Saving 'you' from yourself - Design your life!

If you are one of the many millions who conduct a detailed review of the past year happenings in their life against the goals they set and where they went wrong, you will relate to what I am sharing here – the performance review of your life journey.

A performance review of a life cannot be done without accounting for the co travellers in that journey. Few co-travellers would have touched and shaped your life positively – people you need as companions for your continuous growth. While there are a few others who may be influencing you negatively to an extent that it does not feel pleasant and natural anymore.

‘It’s not what you eat that will kill you as much as what is eating you’ – Orrin Woodward

I would like to share my view on the negative influencers and how it can creep into your emotional regime. Having negative influencers as co travelers in your life not only drains your energy down, it curtails your freedom to a large extent. You are surrounded by many close relationships. Imagine if any one of these relationship evolves to be a challenging one to manage and is impacting you negatively. It is a natural tendency (rightfully) to work towards ‘fixing’ this relationship, as much time and energy may have been invested in building and nurturing the same in the past many years.

But don’t get into the SUNK COST TRAP – ‘I have spent plenty of time, effort and emotion on this relationship. So I need to keep this relationship going’

In most occasions it is hard to realize and accept that a co-traveller has turned toxic and is disturbing your life compass. The ultimate weapon we humans have, even when everything else has been taken away from us, is the freedom to choose – in any given situation. 

What choice should one explore in a situation of a co-traveller role (read behaviour) becoming toxic? Borrowing from the social media philosophy, I would say ‘block’ as if they are a ‘spam’ in your life! Much like how you will block a chat if you think the person is creating unnecessary nuisance for you. 

‘Stay away from negative people; they have a problem for every solution’ – Albert Einstein

A good starting point would be to list down all the good things that happened in your journey because of this co-traveler, acknowledge and feel gratitude for their role/influence. And learn to let go of this co-traveler in the next nearest stop in your life journey! Much has been said in clinical research on health benefits of letting go of regret and resentment in your life. An easier said than done task – especially when it has and will alter your life journey

 I am reminded of a simple Zen story that beautifully captures this philosophy. A person decided to hug a tree that was developing thorns. While it was very soothing and comforting in the beginning, he was starting to feel the discomfort over time. It slowly turned into pain of such an extent that he was now ready to scream for help. A passer-by heard him screaming with pain and replied ‘My Friend, The tree is not holding you, but you are holding the tree. To be relieved of pain, you need to stop hugging the tree and let go!’

Author is the Head of School of Design Thinking and volunteers as a key Mentor at Life Design Lab. He works with adults and young adults in creating a meaningful life journey by applying Design principles for Life Design.