Dear Coleen

For most of my life I’ve always felt lonely, as if I’m a spare part no one wants and it’s me who sees to everyone else’s needs, almost forgetting my own.

I suppose my early years sort of made me who I am now. My parents worked full time, so in the school holidays my older brother and I were left to our own devices and he was abusive, both verbally and sexually. I’ve tackled him twice about this, but he denies it.

Since then, he’s sent me cards for birthdays and at Christmas time along with £10, but this has now stopped. I last saw him in 2015 when I was in a care home for six weeks and, before that, I saw him in 2007 when our dad died.

In 1978 I had a termination, which also makes me feel unworthy in some ways.

I’ve always felt I was the odd one out in our family and now I don’t hear from or speak to any of them, despite the fact there are quite a lot of us.

I would appreciate some words of wisdom on how I can feel better about the situation I find myself in.

Coleen says

I’m sorry to read about what you’ve been through. My first suggestion would be to have counselling because, to move forward, you need to let all this go, and to believe that none of what happened was your fault. I believe it’s never too late to create a better life for yourself. At the moment, the past
is holding you back.

What happened to you is horrendous, but if you can work it through with a therapist and feel the relief of unloading decades of pain, then you can begin to move forward.

I have friends who’ve e­xperienced what you have,
and counselling has helped them to go on to thrive and not to feel defined by what happened to them.

Talk to your GP first about the ­possibility of being referred, but you can also find a local therapist at bacp.co.uk, the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy website.

Opening up an old wound in therapy is painful, but it can also give you courage and strength, and help you to understand that you are more than your experience.

In terms of feeling lonely, you don’t need your family to provide friendship – they don’t deserve you. Friends can be your family. Dig deep and find a little confidence to put yourself out there. Join some local groups and if there’s something you’ve always wanted to do – whether it’s painting or learning a language – have a go at it now.

There’s a great organisation called u3a (u3a.org.uk) for semi-retired and retired people to come together and learn for fun. These groups are great for meeting new friends.

Don’t let your toxic family hold you back any longer.