Asking for help is actually really good for you, according to science

The days of knocking on your neighbor’s door for a cup of sugar appear to be a bygone era. Social media posts complaining about how reluctant people are to lend a free hand or unload a tough day go viral; some more cynical posters declare the “it takes a village mindset” is dead.

Recent studies suggest that the size of Americans’ networks decreased during the pandemic, and the time spent socializing between 2003 and 2020 also dropped. According to a 2021 survey by the Survey Center on American Life, Americans rely less on friends than before; when experiencing a personal problem, 16 percent of respondents said they would consult a friend first compared to 26 percent in 1990. The modern age of apps gives us more ways to get things done: rideshare services can take you to the airport, while gig-work platforms ensure your dog is walked during that crucial meeting.

But these tools, while helpful, can also “sacrifice human interaction,” says Xuan Zhao, a psychology research scientist at Stanford University and co-founder of the AI mental health start-up Flourish.

At a time when loneliness epidemics are occurring worldwide, experts say shunning our community not only runs counter to human nature but may be worse for our health.

How humans evolved to be in community

Our innate ability to cooperate and socialize with other human beings may date back more than 3.5 million years ago to one of the earliest hominins, or human species, the australopithecines.

When the australopithecines split from other primates and ventured out of the rainforests into drier and “predator-rich” environments, they needed large groups to survive, says Peter Richerson, a biologist and emeritus professor at the University of California, Davis.

Australopithecines learned to work with those who weren’t biologically related to them to survive. These social networks enabled strategy, weapon development, and formations of a large “mob capable of chasing really tough predators,” says Richerson. 

Because australopithecines evolved to be bipedal, giving birth became more laborious and dangerous, too. This change likely incentivized australopithecine mothers to aid each other in childbirth, says Lesley Newson, an evolutionary biologist and co-author of A Story of Us: A New Look at Human Evolution. Australopithecine mothers “really benefited cooperation, from saying, ‘I’ll pull your baby out if you pull my baby out,’” Newson says.

Sarah Hrdy, an evolutionary anthropologist and author of Father Time: A Natural History of Men and Babies, says cooperation further developed when raising children. Hrdy noted that early humans relied on family members outside of the mother to help teach and raise the baby, a concept called “cooperative breeding” that’s not observed among other primate species we are genetically similar to.

Group members did this “in exchange for being accepted within the group,” Hrdy says. The baby, aware of its multiple caregivers, learned to observe, socialize, and ingratiate with non-family members. This “sets the stage for cooperation,” Hrdy says.

(Here’s why outdoor adventure is important for women as they age.)

Psychologists argue that our evolution is why social rejection and isolation are painful to us today; in fact, brain circuits where emotional pain is processed are built on circuits where physical pain is processed. In an experiment where participants passed a virtual ball back and forth, a participant who suddenly stopped receiving the ball experienced physical pain.

From an evolutionary perspective, “it stands to reason that social exclusion should feel unpleasant, right?” says Gaurav Suri, an experimental psychologist and computational neuroscientist at San Francisco State University. “The pain of social exclusion is a signal for us to rectify things that are causing social exclusion.”

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Why does helping—and receiving help—feel so good?

Conversely, help and social connections make us feel better. Research suggests that one of the most vital indicators of positive mental health is our ability to picture a social safety network on which we can rely—whether we use it or not.  

That’s because when you allow someone else to pitch in, you’re offloading some of the cognitive effort and are creating “space to move through that stressor,” says Razia Sahi, a postdoctoral research fellow at Princeton University’s Logic of Emotion Lab.

Even when there’s no resolution, receiving support and validation can reap health benefits. For example, merely venting can allow a person to reappraise a situation and make “the emotional episode less intense,” Suri says.

We benefit physically, too. When people looked back on a challenging experience, they reported feeling less pain if they were holding a partner’s hand during that experience, Sahi’s research found. Ample research suggests social connections relate to longevity.

For example, elders often report a strong sense of community and purpose in Blue Zones—regions where many residents live to be 90 or even 100 years old. A notable case is Okinawa, Japan, where people have long formed close-knit groups called moai. Traditionally, these groups provided members with a financial safety net and shared resources. Today, moai groups continue to thrive, with members regularly checking in on each other.

(Here are the five Blue Zones where the world’s healthiest people live.)

The moai community structure facilitates trust, making asking favors between members more comfortable, says Christal Burnette, a spokesperson for the Okinawa Research Center for Longevity Science and a moai member. If someone needs a ride to the airport or more money, they can ask. “And the person being asked is happy to help,” says Burnette.

We’re happy to help—no, really

Still, asking for help can be a “fraught” and emotionally “risky” situation, says Vanessa Bohns, a social psychologist and professor of organizational behavior at Cornell University.

“We worry asking [for help] is somehow going to jeopardize the relationship,” she says.

Bohn’s research suggests that paying for a service removes some of that emotional fraughtness, which may be why hiring a contractor is easier than phoning a friend. Additionally, gig-work apps may be more convenient and fulfill other essential psychological needs, Zhao says. According to Self-Determination Theory, humans desire relatedness, or their social connections, as well as autonomy and competence.

“Technology provides us with this sense of agency, the competence, the autonomy that we want,” Zhao says. Still, that risks opportunities for kindness, reciprocity, and relationship-building, which can be a loss.

(The latest health kick for kids: kindness.)

According to a study by Zhao and Nicholas Epley, a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, people are more happy to help us than we think. Another recent meta-analysis optimistically suggests that Americans are as willing to cooperate with strangers as before.

Why? Because helping gives the other person purpose. “It’s a pleasant experience to connect with another person and for them to do us a favor,” Zhao says. “It unlocks an experience of kindness to flow from one person to another.”

“I’ve actually come to think of not asking people for help when you need it as harming somebody else,” Epley says. “Because you’re not giving them the chance to help you, and hence feel much better than they would have otherwise.”