Ask Amy: During arguments, girlfriend defaults to ‘If you don’t want to be here, why don’t you just leave?’

DEAR AMY: I’ve been with my girlfriend for eight months. Most of the time, we’re really happy. I believe we are very well suited for each other. We have common interests and our values seem to be in sync.

Here’s the problem: It seems like any time we disagree, she very quickly says things like, “If you don’t want to be here, why don’t you just leave?”

In my opinion, this is completely disproportionate. I don’t ever know how to respond. I wonder if you can give me some ideas for how to deal with this.

– Lost Guy

DEAR LOST: It sounds as if your girlfriend is displaying her deepest fear as a way to control the narrative. This might be as a result of how her family of origin deals with conflict (perhaps she feels abandoned by her father or another important family member).

She does not want to argue or disagree, because she doesn’t know how.

Learning how to engage in conflict is ultimately a path to greater intimacy.

You two can start this important work by reading the latest book by researchers Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman: “Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection” (2024, Harmony).

Read this book together, and practice resolving your conflicts peacefully.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)