Dear Annie: My mother’s disapproval, which she veils as concern, makes me not want to be around her

DEAR ANNIE: My mother, who is now 62, has always been a dominant personality, keen on having things go her way. I’m 34, an independent graphic designer, and I pride myself on being self-sufficient and creative. But every time I share aspects of my life with her -- be it career choices, romantic partners or even smaller decisions like adopting a pet -- she critiques them, often unsolicitedly, making me second-guess my decisions. Her disapproval, which is always veiled as concern, is making me not want to be around her.

I’m starting to avoid sharing any personal news with her at all to dodge the inevitable criticism. I understand she might be doing this out of love, but it feels more controlling than caring. How can I communicate my need for support without her judgment? -- Struggling for Independence

DEAR STRUGGLING FOR INDEPENDENCE: It’s clear you value both your independence and your relationship with your mother. Expressing your need for support rather than criticism is not only reasonable but necessary for a healthy adult relationship.

It might be time for a gentle but firm conversation. Let her know that while you appreciate her desire to help, what you need most from her is trust in your judgment. Setting boundaries is important; you might decide to limit what personal details you share if her responses continue to be unsupportive. This isn’t to create distance but to protect the relationship you cherish with her. Remember, building a relationship based on mutual respect and understanding is a two-way street, and it’s OK to take the space you need to foster that.

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