Miss Manners: If you’re not going to eat dessert, shouldn’t you tell your host so the food isn’t wasted?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a friend’s for dinner. There were seven of us all together, and the host and hostess are quite formal.

A little background to set the mood: We sat outside by the pool, and the table was set with starched linens, lovely china, crystal and sterling silver flatware, along with beautiful candles and fresh flowers. Each course was served individually, as was dessert.

One of the guests did not eat anything on their dessert plate. Should they have told the hostess that they did not wish to partake, or accept the plate and just let the food sit uneaten?

It bothered me, knowing the hostess spent a good deal of time preparing all the food herself -- and the fact that the delicious key lime pie, fresh whipped cream and homemade chocolate truffles were all wasted.

GENTLE READER: Trust Miss Manners, the untouched pie and truffles did not go to waste. Whoever did the dishes had a nice midnight snack in the kitchen after the guests had left.

Yes, the guest who wanted to skip it could have said so, along with a gracious comment about how good it looked. But your reaction is exactly the reason why this would be risky. Those sympathizing with the hostess, as you did, or even the hostess herself, might have set up a bullying chorus of “Just this once,” “She went to a lot of trouble to make this,” and “Oh, go ahead, a little won’t hurt you.”

The solution to this non-problem is to enjoy your own dessert and stop monitoring what other people eat or do not eat.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)