Dear Lizzy,
I have a large extended family, and many of us live scattered throughout a smaller metropolitan city. When a family member from out of town had scheduled to visit, another family member (whom I live near), rounded everyone up for a family dinner, so all the relatives could see our visiting relative. Well, except me. I was specifically excluded from the family plans. There have never been any previous incidents with this family member and I feel like it’s just a passive-aggressive way to be mean. Should I broach the subject or just let it be?
Left Out
Dear Left Out,
Families are weird and extended families are even weirder. You’re related and yet the strings holding you together are of varying strengths and some are quite tenuous.
I have cousins who I consider nearly sisters and cousins I barely know. I have second cousins who I held as babies and chaperoned on field trips and second cousins I wouldn’t recognize if I ran into them on the street.
So, I understand how things can get a little awkward. I too live in a smaller metropolitan area with a good bit of family scattered throughout, and though I promise this letter came in through my anonymous form (a great way to send me questions!), I have had similar experiences.
You always have options when it comes to dealing with things like this, generally depending on the specifics of the situation.
Possibly another family member told you that Family Member A organized the event for Family Member B. Have you asked Family Member C, the one who told you about the event, why you didn’t get an invite?
Or, you could have seen the whole thing on Instagram or Facebook or something. In that case, maybe you don’t actually know who did the organizing. If you aren’t sure, or can feign ignorance, you could reach out to the person you are closest to who was there and say, “Hey, I noticed the whole family got together when Uncle Jack was in town! I don’t think I got an invite. Any idea why? I’d love to be included next time.”
Another option is to let it go and assume the best. Maybe the person organizing it thought you were out of town. Maybe (and this is the one I usually go with) it wasn’t malicious, but they didn’t think about you at all.
How involved with your extended family are you? Unlike nuclear families, you need to put in the work with cousins and aunts and uncles to be part of the crew. Have you done that? Do you want to? Are you hosting events for your extended family or showing up when they need you?
If it was me, I would be disappointed but let this one go. Then, if I wanted to make sure I hung out with my extended family, I would organize a dinner myself.
Lastly, you don’t have to like everyone in your family. Maybe this relative who organized the event is passive-aggressive and mean. It’s OK not to be friendly with them.
The distance of extended family, unlike siblings and parents, allows you to not be best buddies with everyone you’re related to. Extended family can be friends with a biological or marital bond, or they can be strangers who you are listed near on a family tree. There is no obligation or requirement, which means you get to decide what your relationship is.
Good luck!
Lizzy
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