Dear Lizzy,
My brother and his wife, who live in New York, just had their first baby earlier this year. In March, my mom and dad flew out to see them just as the baby was turning three months old.
When they got there, my brother met them for dinner – solo. It took another day for him to tell them that his wife had decided that they would have to quarantine for five days before they could see the baby (they were allowed to join outings at a neighborhood park, despite the frigid weather, but not hold the baby or go indoors).
Needless to say, they were not thrilled with this turn of events, and were rightly upset that they hadn’t been told about these preconditions before stepping on the plane.
I believe my brother’s wife has some major social anxiety, pre-dating COVID, perhaps severe enough to qualify as a form of mental illness, which may very well be diagnosed, though that hasn’t been shared with us. I’m sympathetic to that, and there are bigger questions at play here around boundaries and communication.
But right now I’m more concerned with our own visit scheduled for July. We are only going for five days, and while the weather will likely be better during our stay, I will be furious if we travel all that way only to be told that we are not allowed to see my brother and his baby at all.
Our current plan is to come up with fun things to do with our own kids while we’re there, just in case we are put in an unexpected quarantine. But the bottom line is: Neither my wife nor I have much interest in visiting New York, and for the amount of money we’re spending on flights and hotel rooms, we think we would have a lot more fun taking the kids to Hawaii or Mexico, or really anywhere with a pool.
My mom has asked me not to tell my brother that she told me about their disastrous trip. That being said, I could probably reach out to him and ask in general terms what restrictions, if any, his wife plans to place on us when we arrive, in regards to interacting with him and his family. Then again, given our previous experience with his wife’s behavior, he might not know that yet.
How should I approach this tricky situation?
Traveling Brother
Dear Traveling Brother,
This is tricky and frustrating and also, I think you are on the right track.
You can approach the topic of quarantine through the side door, as if you are planning for a trip, which you are actually doing. What activities would your brother and his family like to do? With a small baby, they may be limited, but actually in some ways, less limited than you, since your kids are older and need more entertainment. You actually do need a plan!
Put some concrete items on the calendar for your trip. A dinner at this restaurant. An afternoon at this park. And then, if he doesn’t bring it up or is cagey about it, assume there will be a quarantine, and you might not get to hold that baby, at least not indoors. Using that assumption, decide if you really want to go to New York. It’s going to be expensive and possibly difficult – no pool, what a bummer.
But also: New York! What a dream! Central Park, all those museums! You can walk for a day and see 100 things you’ve never seen before.
And honestly, I bet you can even find a pool.
I think if you go into the trip with a realistic expectation about what will happen with your brother’s family, you can actually have a great time. Maybe you won’t even see them! You could still have a great time!
But it will require accepting your brother and sister-in-law for who they are, social anxiety and all, and that’s always going to be the hardest part.
The other option, which is well within your rights and perfectly reasonable, is to make an excuse and not go at all. Go to Hawaii or Mexico. But do it a different week than you were planning on visiting your brother.
Good luck!
Lizzy
Have a burning question? Send me an email at [email protected] or tweet @lizzzyacker! Or, if you want to ask me a question with total anonymity, use this Google form.