By Bobby Olivier | NJ Advance Media for NJ.com
We all knew this would happen someday.
MTV's smash hit "Jersey Shore" was too popular to stay dead and quiet forever, and Sunday night, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, Jenni "JWoww" Farley, Paul "DJ Pauly D" DelVecchio, Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola and Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino all returned to the shore — Point Pleasant Beach and Asbury Park, not Seaside Heights — for a 30-minute special on E! called "Reunion Road Trip: Return to the Jersey Shore."
The loudmouth five-piece swapped stories, updated fans on their lives since their reality show ended in 2012, and yeah ... that was pretty much it. Most of what we saw could have been gleaned from each sorta-star's Instagram profile. But if you needed a few more G.T.L. and "T-shirt time!" references in your life, this did the trick.
Here's what we thought, a play-by-play of this worthless special.
1. Oh hey, The Situation is on the Parkway, Exit 98. That’s a good exit. That’s a beach exit. Maybe this won’t be so bad.
2. “I never expected we’d make it this far,” JWoww is seen saying in an old interview. Neither did we, Jenny. Neither did we.
3. The Situation admits “the last five years have not been cool.” That’s true, alleged tax evasion is very not cool. Luckily he’s been sober for 18 months. If he can change, anyone can change.
4. Ah, the first G.T.L. mention. That used to stand for gym-tan-laundry, right? This time did it mean trying to “get the licenses” for Seaside Heights filming? How’d that go?
5. The Situation looks bloated. Too much pasta, I guess.
6. The Situation is getting a haircut, and sloppily making out with his girlfriend in the barber’s chair. That poor barber, I hope he got a good tip.
7. Hey it’s Snooki. “Back then I was a train-wreck,” she says. Understatement of the year.
8. Snooki adds “I’m married, which is so crazy.” Okay, new understatement of the year.
9. What’s up with Snooki’s lips? Her next E! appearance needs to be on “Botched.”
10. When Snooki can’t figure out where to put an extra birth control pill, she asks newly sober Situation “where’d you used to hide your pills?” Too soon (I laughed.)
11. Snooki thinks The Situation hooked up with “over 1,000 girls.” Umm, I’ll take the under on that.
12. “Are we gonna go to jail?” Snooki asks when they blow through a toll, then segues “wait, are you going to jail?” Again, too soon (Again, I laughed.)
13. “Do not f--- with the IRS.” Truth, kids. Truth.
14. Situation, please stop following Snooki on Instagram WHILE YOU’RE ACTUALLY DRIVING. This isn’t “Carpool Karaoke.”
15. “Pauly’s hair looks like something I’d put my dishes in to dry.” - my snarky girlfriend. Pauly said “t-shirt time.” Check off your “Jersey Shore” reunion bingo card. Also he sends out his laundry now. Livin’ large.
16. He’s dating Aubrey O'Day? Aubrey O'Day of Danity Kane and “Making The Band” fame? Well, okay then. I miss “Making the Band.” I also would have walked to Junior’s for cheesecake if Puff Daddy asked me to.
17. Going to Brielle!
18. First commercial break. This is way too tame, I wish it was on MTV. Gimme that trash TV. I crave the trash.
19. Oh good, JWoww is working, even if working means overseeing a lube-making video for her website. Post-2012 has been way better to book-deal Snookers and always-booked DJ Pauly D.
20. They’re in Asbury Park. Cookman Avenue. The hipsters are not pleased.
21. JWoww says “Everyone knows what GTL is, and if you don’t you’re lying.” Please don’t call my grandpa a liar ever again.
22. Oh hey, it’s the Belmar bridge! Jersey Shore landmarks!
23. Snooki drew a “honk if you GTL” on the back of their car, people started honking, and the cast immediately didn’t know why people were honking. Reminder that we are not dealing with the sharpest tools here, folks.
24. “She’s in such a good place mentally,” the cast says about Sammi, who is last to be picked up. Without Deena and Angelina this reunion is incomplete. Without Vinny and Ronnie this reunion is blasphemous and under protest BY ME.
25. Now they’re driving on Lake Avenue in Asbury Park, whining that they can’t go back to the Seaside house. Then they start listing all the reasons they can’t return: the fights, the drunken displays, JWoww peeing on some poor soul’s stoop. But E! can’t show any of this, because MTV holds all the footage.
26. Without old scenes, this reunion show is worthless.
27. Also, they spent way too much time in the car -- this is like a really terrible "Carpool Karaoke." Where’s Adele?
28. Ah, Jenkison’s Pavilion. Good cheesesteaks there. Also the Ring Toss stand in the background is the most impossible boardwalk game by far, just sayin'.
29. Speaking of just sayin', hey its Sammi. She looks well and has a podcast called “Just Sayin'” where she apparently gives relationship advice and stuff. Uh.
30. This show is already most of the way gone and virtually nothing has happened. Updates on their lives are pointless — we know what all of these people have been doing, they are on TMZ and in gossip mags all the time. I hate this lack of drama.
31. “He’s not my favorite person … that door is closed and will remain shut for a long time,” Sammi says about Ron. That’s as much real drama as we get from this show, and I’m not happy.
32. The situation is talking about past “foursomes.” Trying not to imagine, trying not to imagine …
33. Cosmetic admission time: Snooki, JWoww and The Situation admit to Botox. I heard the whole world yell "ya don’t say?" in unison.
34. Snooki and Sammi both have breast implants now. Got it.
35. “There’s the occasional punch in the face, then you get a drink, you laugh about it you move on. That’s what life is all about.” Is it, JWoww? I prefer the occasional Granny Smith apple.
36. There’s only five minutes left. How much did they get paid to just drive around the shore and have lunch in Point Pleasant Beach? Boo!
37. The Situation is talking about how he fought a concrete wall in Italy and sprained his neck. He’s also talking about his upcoming court case, which he hopes to have settled “positively” in six months.
38. “If Mike were to go to jail, he wouldn’t survive,” Snooki decries. “Jail is like, jail.” I mean, I don’t disagree.
39. “Do a shot to Mike that he’s sober and good.” WHAT?!
40. They are on the Point Pleasant Beach boardwalk. They are creating a scene. Pauly is taking the balloon dart game way too seriously. Snooki is again yelling “Where’s the beach?!”
41. Everyone is recapping the amazing day and how glad they all were to reconnect. They do seem like legitimate friends, I’ll give them that.
42. JWoww’s closing line. “We are adults, we pay taxes, wait Mike did not, apparently.” I laughed hard.
43. So, this was 30 minutes I’ll never get back.
44. Now I need to do laundry.
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