Running off at the typewriter . . .
It happened again for the fourth straight year. On Groundhog Day, Punxsutawney Phil poked his head out of a hole over at RDV, saw his shadow and declared six more weeks of mediocrity. . . . I’m on the wagon. I promise I will not mention LeBron James in this column. . . . Football is sort of like the Iraqi army. You’d better be able to run. . . . I finally saw that new Lord of the Rings movie where warriors were fighting each other with swords, lances and crossbows. Or maybe it was a meeting of the United States Olympic Committee. . . .
Most comical scene from National Signing Day: Sentinel news columnist Mike Thomas, our resident obnoxious Gators fan, approaches the desk of resident recruiting guru Bill Buchalter and asks: “Did we get Cohen?” Buchalter nods yes. Thomas commences to thrust his fist into the air and do a vintage John Travolta Saturday Night Fever hip-thrust dance. Sad man. . . . Speaking of the Gators, I’d like to apologize to all Kentucky fans for suggesting that Florida had supplanted UK as the premier basketball team in the SEC. Did you see what the ‘Cats did to the purported top-ranked Gators the other night? Beat ’em like a narc at an Eminem concert. . . . In keeping with the current fad of throwback apparel, I’m writing this column while wearing an authentic replica Larry Guest jersey. . . . So I guess what Phil Mickelson was trying to say is, “Tiger could use a croquet mallet and Wiffle Ball, and I still couldn’t beat him in a major.” . . . Speaking of Mickelson, he claims he is in better shape than ever, but it won’t necessarily show because of his body type. “I’ve got subcutaneous fat,” Mickelson said. “There’s nothing I can do. It lies underneath the skin, as opposed to underneath the muscle.” Yeah, sure, Phil. That’s what Jerry Greene has been telling us for years. . . .
Rivals.com has just ranked this column as the third-best in the nation. . . . Paramount has a new movie out: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. That’s easy: Just let Grant Hill’s doctor operate on him. . . . Did you see where our own Chris Harry is the only beat writer in state history to cover a college national champion (Florida, 1996) and a Super Bowl champion (Bucs, 2002)? There you have it. Most people get 15 minutes of fame; Harry just got 10.3 seconds. . . . That “oh-my-gawd” you just heard was the rest of the NBA looking over their shoulder at the Lakers. . . . The Solar Bears are gone. The Miracle are gone. The O-Rays will soon be gone. The Magic soon will threaten to be gone. Coming soon: UCF announces move to Lakeland. . . .
I’m not saying Ron Zook made outlandish promises to a certain recruit, but how do you explain Chris Leak Field at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium? . . . FSU fan: “If only it had been Jeff Bowden who got indicted.” . . . Speaking of Jeff Bowden, he accused Zook of negative recruiting (quote: “We’ve been Zookified!”) in a story written by Ivan Maisel of ESPN.com. Then again, Florida coaches privately say FSU uses underhanded tactics, too. In recruiting, it all comes back to this: “If you ain’t lying, you ain’t trying.” . . . The Daytona 500 is coming up, which means this sentence is brought to you by Jimmy Dean Sausage. . . .
Steve Mariucci has averaged 10 victories in six NFL seasons, has won division titles, has been to the playoffs, is one of the premier offensive minds in football and grew up in Michigan. Of course the Detroit Lions should have hired him. I’m all for minority candidates being “seriously” considered for head-coaching jobs, but they shouldn’t be interviewed just to appease those running the dog-and-pony show. . . . If Rusty Wallace wins the Daytona 500, each fan in attendance 21 or older will get a coupon good for a free six-pack of Miller beer. It’ll be the greatest day for NASCAR fans since that Christmas when grandma belched a perfect rendition of Jingle Bells. . . . Father, forgive me for what I am about to do: LeBron James. LeBron James. LeBron James.
