CINCINNATI AT TAMPA BAYWhat’s up, Coach Jon Gruden? “I’m not going to point fingers. I’ll just say we all have a hand in being 0-4.” So you’re not pointing fingers ’cause you’re using the whole hand? Seriously, Bucs fans had better start preparing for the absolute worst. “Remember ’76!”
JERRY SAYS: Bengals by just 3.
BUFFALO AT DETROITGangreene Game of the Week. The Bills aren’t very good, but the Lions might be missing three starting offensive linemen. Here’s a suggestion that will delight Detroit fans — put pads on Matt Millen, and shove him out there. Talk about team inspiration.
JERRY SAYS: Upset, Lions by 7.CAROLINA AT BALTIMOREYou’ll never guess who’s mouthing off — Keyshawn Johnson. When asked about Ravens’ trash talk, he said: “You don’t want to get me all riled up because that’s when bad things happen to your team.” Ooh, Keys, you’ve got LB Ray Lewis shaking in his cleats.
JERRY SAYS: Ravens by 8 (ribs).HOUSTON AT DALLASBet you’ve forgotten the teams from Texas have met only once and the Texans won 19-10 in their first game in 2002. Oh, we’d better have our obligatory T.O. sound check: ” . . . That’s not me being arrogant. I just know what I bring to the table.” Oh, shut up.
JERRY SAYS: Cowboys by just 10.E.R. GIANTS AT ATLANTAGiants TE Jeremy Shockey has just 12 catches, including one last week. Coach Tom Coughlin says it might be an old ankle sprain or an old foot injury or something new. My guess is that it’s because he’s another one who just won’t shut up.
JERRY SAYS: Falcons by 6.PHILADELPHIA AT NEW ORLEANSSaints RB Deuce McAllister has no fear about his role as the less-publicized half of the tandem with rookie Reggie Bush, saying “I’m pretty good for an older guy.” Hey, that’s what I say every morning to make my wife laugh. Got to root for Saints’ story.
JERRY SAYS: Saints by fated 5.SEATTLE AT ST. LOUISBet you didn’t know Rams QB Marc Bulger is just 95 passes short of breaking Bernie Kosar’s record of 308 consecutive attempts without an interception. And pointing it out is sure to jinx him. But explain why the injured Seaturkeys are favored here?
JERRY SAYS: Upset, Rams by 14. MIAMI AT E.R. JETSWhy wait? But how do I justify it? Well, Jets WR Laveranues Coles is unhappy with his team after just 3 catches for 19 yards against the Jaguars, so he calls himself a “pawn in a chess game.” Not to get too heavy, but aren’t we all mere pawns? I’m depressed.
JERRY SAYS: Upset, Fish by 7.TENNESSEE AT WASHINGTONOur favorite player is Washington OT Jon Jansen. After being whipped by the Giants 19-3, Big Jon called it “kind of a statement game.” That’s droll, Jon. It would be nice to think the Titans can win, but it would be nice to get a phone call from the women on Lost, too.
JERRY SAYS: Native Americans by 13.SAN DIEGO AT SAN FRANCISCOFrank Gore fumbles. A lot. So the 49ers tied Bungee cords to two footballs and had Gore carry them. Then they’d yank on the cords to see if he’d hold on. Oddly enough, my wife does the same thing whenever she cooks a pot roast so it doesn’t disappear before dinner.
JERRY SAYS: Chargers by just 5.KANSAS CITY AT PITTSBURGHWho you gonna blame, Ben Roethlisberger? “I’m not going to point fingers. I’m going to point a thumb; that goes right at me.” Points for honesty but not for zero touchdown throws and 5 picks. K.C. QB Damon Huard has 5 TDs and no picks. Smell what I’m cooking?
JERRY SAYS: Upset, Chiefs by 3.OAKLAND AT DENVER
What can Raiders Coach Art Shell be thinking? Or what about Raiders QB Andrew Walter, who doesn’t have an actual last name? What about WR Randy Moss? He has 12 catches for 136 yards — and leads the team. What about Raider Nation?
JERRY SAYS: Broncos by just 10.CHICAGO AT ARIZONA
Cards RB Edgerrin James must have some wide receiver in him. After 24 carries last week, he said they didn’t run enough, adding “that’s the stupidest thing.” No, Edge, the stupidest thing is whining about wanting the ball when Da Bears are in town.
JERRY SAYS: Da Bears by 14.Can you smell it? Does it smell as if your sports section has been used to wrap yesterday’s Fish? My fault. Recently Miami Dolphins fans have been blaming me for their horrendous start. (I don’t know whom Tampa Bay Buccaneers fans are blaming.) The Fish fans say it’s my fault because I was picking them to win when I never picked them in the past. Two weeks ago, I swore I would not pick the Fish again this season. Swore. And in just a few moments, my friends, I am going to pick them again. That’s just wrong.
