Independence Day is obviously a big, celebratory deal in this country.
That’s certainly true in Florida. But things are a bit different here — where our Amazonian-like temperatures and humidity can hamper the traditional outdoor holiday activities. And where there’s apparently a state statute that requires all Florida Men to believe municipal fireworks displays aren’t good enough, so they should set off their own aerial arsenal in otherwise quiet neighborhoods.
For those reasons, I’ve compiled a list of 10 things Sunshine State residents should — and should not — do this Fourth of July.
Don’t: Be the neighborhood fireworks jerk. If you’re one of those people who believes it’s your patriotic duty to invest two weeks’ pay in projectile explosives, don’t be a dingleberry about it. No fireworks after 10 p.m. And none on either the 3rd or 5th of July. Not only will the neighborhood cats and dogs thank you, you’ll be less likely to become the target of a nextdoor.com mob.
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Do: Watch professionals set off fireworks. You can’t point a Roman candle in Central Florida without hitting a town planning a big display. Mount Dora and Altamonte Springs set theirs off early on Wednesday (which I guess is Independence Day Eve). On Thursday, there are displays slated in Apopka, Avalon Park, Celebration, Clermont, DeBary, Kissimmee, Leesburg, Sanford, St. Cloud, Tavares, Winter Garden and Winter Springs. And of course there’s the City Beautiful’s traditional Lake Eola affair where Mayor Buddy Dyer commemorates 1776 (the year I think he first took office) with one of the region’s best-known celebrations. Most fireworks shows start around 9 p.m., but the Sentinel’s own Central Florida Explorer, Patrick Connolly, compiled an extensive list with all the times and locations at orlandosentinel.com.
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Don’t: Grill. I enjoy grilling. I do not enjoy standing in the furnace of hell. For that reason, I can’t recommend anyone stand over hot flames Wednesday when the National Weather Service is forecasting a heat index value of 106. Want ribs? My tip is a long, slow oven bake (at 275 for 2-3 hours) with a little liquid smoke mixed in the sauce to trick your taste buds and guests into thinking charcoal was involved.
Do: Go for a swim. Florida’s natural springs are a great option. Nearby ones include Wekiwa, De Leon and Kelly Park/Rock Springs. Just arrive early, since they stop admitting folks when capacity is reached. Or spare yourself the drive by hopping in your own backyard pool. If you don’t have one, you’re welcome to hop in mine … unless you’re that one Twitter user who keeps calling me a communist groomer with a smile like Ted Bundy. You, sir, should find your own body of water. Maybe one where lifeguards are optional.
Do: See a movie. I recommend “Jaws” — the greatest Fourth of July movie of all time. I love “Jaws” as a film buff but also as a Florida political columnist. Why? Because at some point in time, virtually every Florida politician ends up playing the role of Amity Island Mayor Larry Vaughn. It doesn’t matter if they’re governor or county commissioner. At some point they all find themselves saying: Zika? Covid? An impending Category 5 hurricane? Don’t worry. It’s a beautiful day. The theme parks are open, and people are having a wonderful time. Florida, as you know, means “friendship.”
Do: Check out a parade. It may be hot enough for chickens to lay hard-boiled eggs, but some folks don’t consider Independence Day officially celebrated until they take in a parade. If you’re one of them, there are lots of options, including parades in Mount Dora, Geneva, Celebration, Winter Garden and Tavares. Ocoee has a car show, and Winter Park has the Bach Festival Choir and Brass Ensemble. You can find the details for all of those on Patrick’s list as well.
Do: Shop for new home insurance. This one’s just practical. As a Floridian, yours will probably be canceled again pretty soon. You might as well get a head start.
Do: Read the U.S. Constitution. If you haven’t done this since grade school, remind yourself what we’re celebrating this week. The Founding Fathers put more thought into this document than most modern-day politicians put into anything. Remind yourself about the importance of checks and balances, why we have separation of powers, who can declare war and what offenses are impeachable. If that sounds too dull or serious, do this one with ice cream.
Don’t: Skip the First Amendment. This one is essential for Floridians — especially Floridians who serve in elected office. Over the last four years, Florida politicians have tried to run roughshod over the First Amendment time and again. Not just according to me, but to courts and judges that have repeatedly ruled their laws unconstitutional. If you ever see politicians trying to silence speech — whether it’s in an employee training room or to stifle citizens’ efforts to get amendments on the ballot — remember that such actions are both unconstitutional and unpatriotic.
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Do: Listen to your neighbors’ suggestions. I took to social media to ask my fellow Floridians how they recommend celebrating the Fourth. Kendra reminded everyone that SunRail is free for all on July 4. Jessi suggested reading books inside with A/C. Lee said at least one hot dog must be consumed. Heather said she enjoyed snorkeling at her in-laws’ place in Key Largo. (She wasn’t clear about whether the rest of us were invited, but I think they’d enjoy the surprise.) Adam suggested setting up a tent over or even in the backyard pool. And Beth said she always considers the 4th of July to be the last day to prune her azaleas — which sounds practical, but also like a lot less fun than eating hotdogs or hanging out with Heather’s in-laws in Key Largo.
Happy Independence Day, everyone.
