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Culture Documents
The Dark Abode
The Dark Abode
Sarojini Sahoo
THE DARK ABODE
Sarojini Sahoo
ii
Second English Edition 2009 by Indian AGE Communication
Originally Published from India as Gambhiri Gahara in 2005. Also
published from Bangladesh as Mithya Gerosthali in 2007.
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of
trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise
circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of
binding or cover other than that in the which is published and
without a similar condition, including this condition, being imposed
on the subsequent purchaser.
PRINTED IN INDIA
iii
About the author...
Well known for her frankness, Sarojini Sahoo is a prime figure and
trendsetter of feminism in contemporary Oriya literature. For her,
feminism is not a gender problem or any confrontational attack on
male hegemony, so it is quite different from that of Virginia Woolf
or Judith Butler. She accepts feminism as a total entity of
femalehood which is completely separate from the man’s world.
She writes with a greater consciousness of the bodies of women,
which would create a more honest and appropriate style of
openness, fragmentation, and non-linearity.
iv
and also has his own music production and graphic design
business.
v
Forward…
It is said in the Saimdarua Lahiri that Uma is the source of all
power in the universe and because of her; Lord Shiva gets all of his
powers. She is often depicted as half of Lord Shiva, the supreme
god, and she also is a major symbol of female sexuality. Her name
refers to her being born daughter Himalaya, lord of the mountains.
Beautiful, gentle, powerful consort of Shiva, mother of Ganesh,
Kartikeya, Saraswati and Laxshmi, she encompasses their powers
and exudes a tranquil, serene beauty and provides a calm within.
Uma is a symbol of many noble traditional (Hindu) virtues: fertility,
marital felicity, spousal devotion, asceticism and power. She refers
to the symbol of early feminine power and energy. Known formally
as goddess Uma, Lady of the Mountains, she shows us how to
balance the many aspects of our lives. Beautiful and (benignly)
powerful, she is also known as Shakti, Parvati (consort of Shiva),
Ambika, Annapurna , Bhairavi, Candi, Gauri, Durga, Jagadmatai
(Mother of the World), Kali, Kanyakumari,Kumari, Mahadevi, and
Syama.
vi
More on Ed Baker: http://edbaker.maikosoft.com
vii
Dedicated to
Suresh Palamel
viii
Call her by name and she will appear. Gaze upon her
face; her beauty.
Celebrate: metta, mudita, upekkhs
1
CHAPTER 1
Kuki had never been into writing poetry; nor was he,
really. Yet each of his letters was poetic and tasteful. While
writing poetry, he would often slip into the realm of prose
and vice-versa with remarkable spontaneity.
2
I have enjoyed many women indiscriminately. I have been
sincerely insincere with them. I was like a butterfly
passionately addicted to pleasure, sucking the juice of
flowers and leaving them stunned and bewildered only to
hop on to other flowers. But it was you who made me
realize what love was. Do you know what I pray for? I pray I
can remain stuck like a pollen grain to your petal-feet,
listening to your anklet chimes.”
3
somehow ‘Kuki’ for this man. The sketch revealed that he
had spent these last few days bringing his imagination to
life, Kuki thought.
4
Then there was Latifa, another friend of Kuki’s. In
sharp contrast to Shabnam, Latifa’s family lived in a gloomy,
muddy and filthy house in very unhygienic surroundings
somewhere deep inside the colony. A foul smell would
emanate from their yard which was always flecked with
droppings of goats and hens, and sometimes, even feces of
children. Kuki could never invite them to her home. She
would steer off the topic even if they expressed their desire
to visit her at her home. They had, of course, come to her
house a few times, but her mother would always grumble
after they left. Angry, she would start throwing the utensils
this way and that with a resounding crash. She would start
washing the bed-sheets as soon as they had left. Kuki had
to wash in the backyard the utensils with which she served
food to her friends. As the mattresses could not be washed,
they were sanctified with sprinkles of holy water from the
Ganga. Kuki used to do all this out of fear of getting a
beating. However, she herself had never considered
Muslims untouchable.
5
messages, she discovered new meanings in them—it was as
if she had never read them before. If she took too long to
reply, she would find a passionate letter, choked with
emotion, waiting for her in her inbox the next morning. He
would write that he wanted to lie down with his head in her
lap and weep.
6
Idgah, he would sleep quietly at home. He believed in Allah,
of course, but he called himself a Kafir.
7
heart looked for an idol where no idol was there. The
human mind searched for something concrete and tangible.
She knew God was formless, without attributes, and
impossible to define. She knew God was nothingness yet
omnipresent, but her heart could still not accept the empty
chamber.
Kuki had read this man’s life story the way she read
the newspapers. “A complete pervert!” His ‘love’ was like
M. F. Hussain’s love for Madhuri. It was not her cup of tea,
she had thought.
8
could marry four times. She had once quizzed Professor
Siddiqui to satisfy her curiosity. He cited several references
from the Quran and tried to explain things to her. “Look
madam, the Quran doesn’t encourage four marriages in the
sense you look at it. The law was actually made to protect
women and the destitute. Many men die on the battlefield.
The system of polygamy was devised to protect widows and
orphans and to save them from harassment.”
9
The first one was about the common man’s world;
the second was ethereal love; and the third one related to
sensual love. In the course of this conversation, Kuki
mastered several words she had never been able to use
earlier. After her children had left for school and college,
and Aniket, for work, she would spend hours on the
computer, writing letters to this man.
10
now left alone with her senses. As she scanned through
each painting hanging on the wall, one painting in particular
held her eyes. There was a strange loneliness written all
over the painting. She felt as if someone had held her hand
and dragged her down some unfamiliar street of an
unknown city to a very lonely man; a man whose anguish
was so acute that it was yet to find expression in words.
The tiny letters read: Alienation, oil-on-canvas, 191 x
143cms, Safiq Mohammed, published by Pakistani Art
Forum, Lahore.
11
India?” One day he wrote a reply of sorts, “The whole world
is a stage. Never think that India and Pakistan constitute
the entire world. There are so many other places in the
world where we can move freely and chat for hours and
where I can hum poems close to your ears under the
moonlight. One room and one bed is all we need to dissolve
all barriers and barbed-wire fences. It is my dream that
someday I will take you to a place like that. This man is
tempting me with a dream again, Kuki thought. He began
to tempt her with a dream at a time when her heart craved
freedom from the monotonous letter writing; freedom from
an unresolved mystery! Yes, the world was vast, big and
wide. Besides, how much space did two people need? As
Kuki wove such dreams, the man offered her a strange
proposal. “You know, I wish to sketch the most priceless
painting of my life with your love. Come close to me,
become my skin, my self, my world, and bless me with the
gift of fatherhood.”
12
anew. I’ll sketch the most priceless painting of my life with
your love. I’ll tie your name with mine. As you are the new
morning of my life, you won’t be Kuki any longer, but
‘Rokshana.’ I want to introduce you to the whole world as
Rokshana.”
13
gathered on the furniture. Sarees lay in a mess in the
cupboard. A peepal plant had sent down roots beside the
bathroom window. Kuki had been far away from her
domestic self for too long. It was time for her to return to it
once again.
14
What about her love, then, the love she had nurtured
in her breast all these days? Was it false? What about her
hopes, her dreams, her despair? Could she possibly survive
without the love of that man?
15
16
CHAPTER 2
Rokshana,
Words become stagnant
All sound chokes in the throat.
Wringing all moisture from the expression,
Distorting meaning,
All my efforts in finding you
With these jumbled words
Drain me out fully,
And turns futile.
17
as primitive a language as gestures or non-verbal cues or
even lip movements.”
Je t’aime. French.
Ich liebe Dich. German.
S’ agapo. Greek.
Ani ohev otach. Hebrew.
Te amo. Spanish
Amo-te. Portuguese.
Jag a’lskar dig. Swedish.
18
“Because you possess a teenager’s sensibility
coupled with a wise man’s intellect,” she replied.
19
In prison; though I may come and go
As I please, my soul knows no freedom.
One week without you in my life is like
No life at all; darling.
20
her, she had simply wiped it out as if she was scrubbing dirt
off a used utensil.
And this was the man about whom she had begun to
harbour such intense dreams? The relationship she had
nurtured all this while, was all of this nothing at all? Enjoy
today to the fullest and forget tomorrow? She had never
believed in this creed. As if ‘one-night stands’ could snatch
moments of happiness; like beggars enjoying a plate of
mutton with their alms at the end of the day, trying to
forget the trials and tribulations of life.
21
This man had duped her with his sweet and alluring
words, she thought. She felt betrayed. Perhaps she was
just the next woman on his list, number 53. Perhaps she
meant nothing more than that to him. Paroxysms of grief
and loneliness submerged into her consciousness.
22
“Mama, I feel sad when you’re so quiet,” the younger
son said.
Kuki felt guilty and sad. What was she doing? The
family was thoroughly dependent on her—and what did she
think she was doing? There was more to life than her own
ambitions and aspirations. She felt she was responsible for
her children and her husband.
23
Kuki got up abruptly to cook for her family. But her
loving family did not allow her to, thus leaving her again in
the world of thoughts and gloom, guilt and sorrow.
“Where are you Safiq?” she cried out loudly. She felt
herself surrendering to a series of incoherent expressions.
24
The feeling of betrayal was not around the next day.
It had been replaced by the sadness of losing her love. She
didn’t want to lose Safiq. There was nothing more
intoxicating than being in love. She didn’t want to lose that
love. The emotions that had haunted her last night became
irrelevant today.
25
26
27
CHAPTER 3
28
Safiq had replied in his own crazy way: “O my sweet
erotic goddess, don’t say things like that.”
29
Kuki had observed during these last few days that
Safiq would wait for Tabassum like some nocturnal animal
into the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes he would
wait for her return before sitting down to paint or
sometimes, before writing a 24-kb e-mail to Kuki. Safiq’s
nights trundled along, weighed by the wait for Tabassum’s
return from parties that wound up at dawn and never
before.
30
whisper goodnight to the children. Don’t the children ever
ask where their mother has gone? Don’t they complain?”
31
Darjeeling had been unbelievably beautiful, but she
still couldn’t forget that street. It still haunted her. But
those women had to trade their bodies out of sheer
helplessness and dire need. What was forcing Safiq and his
ilk? She simply could not come to grips with their lifestyle.
For them, the female body was nothing more than a
commodity, an instrument of pleasure. Kuki had once
asked, “How come you have become so liberal? Aren’t your
mullahs very conservative? Don’t they criticize your
recklessness? Aren’t you afraid of being punished under the
Shariyat laws? Doesn’t Tabassum wear a burqa?”
32
33
CHAPTER 4
34
Now, a worried Safiq wrote, “I can’t write you a long
mail today. I am very busy; I have been summoned for an
interrogation. I am very busy. I will write you a long e-mail
after I return.”
Alas, if only she could say the same about her family.
If her husband and children ever found out, Aniket would
either die of uncontrolled anger or would kill her. Would her
35
children ever call her ‘mother’ again? Kuki could live, be
discussed and respected comfortably in a family in Pakistan,
but what was Safiq’s status in her family? He was only
something to be tucked inside a folder of her inbox. He
could only be someone who would engage in gossip and
banter with Kuki. A fairy had once turned a youth into a
lamb. If Kuki had a magic wand, she would also love to
transform Safiq.
36
Model? Blackmail? What model? What painting?
Kuki couldn’t make heads or tails of it. Kuki only understood
that he had been in a relationship with one of his female
students two years ago. She was aware of his unbridled
lifestyle, but all this stuff about blackmail was new to her.
37
desperate to regain that lost stream of love? Was Safiq the
answer to that problem?
Kuki remembered that she had not fallen ill for the
last eight months. She had smiled her way through these
last few months. All the rebukes and the mishaps had not
succeeded in leaving her heartbroken. Aniket’s anger and
outbursts didn’t seem to matter to her any longer.
When was the last time she had fallen ill? Yes, one
year back. Aniket had almost single-handedly dragged her
from the doorstep of death. She had needed three bottles
of AB- blood. She had an ulcer in the intestine. Continual
bleeding had made her anemic. Her hemoglobin count
hovered around the danger mark. Looking after the
children at home, arranging for blood for Kuki, staying up
through the night, cleaning the bedpan, changing the soiled
bed sheets—all of this had fallen on Aniket’s shoulders. At
the end of it all, Aniket looked rather like a tired hero.
38
word for me with some MLA or MP”
39
occasions. Locals always had the upper hand, she knew.
But it was not as if ‘outsiders’ climbing up the corporate
ladder was unheard of. Aniket's short temper and unbridled
anger were proving to be a handicap in his quest for that
elusive promotion.
40
41
CHAPTER 5
Could she have ever guessed that this very life would
open up such new vistas in front of her? On one hand there
was Aniket; short-tempered and obsessed with cleanliness.
On the other, there was Safiq; honest, broad-minded but
perverted. A quiet strength and constancy went in Aniket’s
favor, while Safiq impressed her with his sensitivity and
tact.
She had no idea where Tista was now. She had been
Kuki’s roommate at the university. A hardcore liberal, Tista
had said something to Aniket in Kuki’s absence. When she
came back from her village, Aniket had said, “Kuki, I would
42
like to bow my head in front of you.” Kuki was astonished.
What had happened? What did he mean?
43
hostel. Kuki was perplexed. Was this the end of their
relationship? But, why? Who was at fault? She started
trembling. Her tears couldn’t stop Aniket, though; he had
returned to his hostel.
Aniket was the love of her youth and Safiq, the love
of her middle age. She had often observed that Safiq
cleverly disentangled himself from any discussion on Aniket.
He seemed to harbour no visible interest or curiosity
regarding Aniket, as if he had discounted his presence in
Kuki’s life. It was as if there were only Safiq and Rokshana,
alias Kuki.
44
Until death do us part.
And we will meet once more
In heaven above.
“I will take you with me one day, Safiq had written.
“Will you come with me? I won’t care for any of your
protests. I am planning to go to Paris. There is a post lying
vacant at Columbia University; I have applied there. I know
it’s not easy getting in there; there is fierce competition.
Still, for your sake, I won’t give up. I have to write a para-
thesis on Islamic art for that.”
Nor did she know if she could ever sit with Safiq in a
park, their palms entwined. But it felt good to dream. At an
age when family worries crowd your mind, dreams open up
a fantasy world in front of you—one in which you can be a
completely different person. It was never too late in life;
one could always make a fresh start.
45
“Why are you always scared of losing me?” Kuki had
written. “Do you really think I would abandon you and go
off? You are my destiny. I don’t know where the stream of
my life is taking me. I can no longer differentiate between
what is stable and what is fleeting. Am I running after a
mirage or towards absolute fulfillment? There is so much I
don’t know, Safiq. I don’t know whether I will be part of this
world tomorrow or not. Don’t know whether I will ever be
able to come to your country, or you to mine. I don’t know
how the great Berlin Wall crumbled. I don’t know the truth
about the big bang theory and I don’t know why a scientist
suddenly begins to believe in fate. I don’t know why a much-
revered monk visits a prostitute in the last phase of his life.
There is so much I don’t know.”
46
47
CHAPTER 6
48
stopped her from going on dates with her boyfriends. But in
the world of glitter and glamour, she made the mistake of
not being able to differentiate between human and demon.
She is in trouble today. She fell into the clutches of an Army
man. The man was very wicked and selfish. Taking
advantage of her simplicity, he tried to gift her to his boss
for a night.
49
the kitchen and with the housework as well. A sex slave,
perhaps.
50
rough weather. Kuki’s hatred for Tabassum slowly began to
evaporate. She imagined her as a beautiful woman sitting
quietly with eyes like beads of glass -- emotionless, dead
eyes reflecting the anguish of her aching heart.
You know this love is just like the wail of the violin,
timeless and enchanting, but at the same time, conscious
and subconscious.
51
52
53
CHAPTER 7
She felt very angry with Safiq. Was the man jealous
of Aniket? She had observed earlier, too, that Safiq had
never evinced any curiosity about Aniket. He had replied to
any references to Aniket with studied silence as if there was
nobody called Aniket. As if she was a spinster. After so
many days, he had written something about Aniket; even
then, he had not taken his name. He had referred to him
only as ‘my counterpart.’
She read the mail again and again. Every time, she
stopped when she reached the word ‘impotent.’ Useless
and insensitive fellow, she thought. No, she would stop her
correspondence with him immediately. How dare he call
her husband ‘impotent?’ Did he think Kuki had established
a relationship with him because she was deprived of sexual
satisfaction in her married life? Could this man think of
nothing but sexual love? What kind of a person was he?
54
Her anger egged her on to demand an explanation
from Safiq. “How dare you call my husband impotent? How
insensitive of you! How dare you! You must be jealous of
him! I am deeply hurt by your words. Marriage is boring,
true! It is a contract to be honored till death; an institution
that fetters one into slavery and formality. But the moment
you disregard the norms of married life, you realize how
your existence itself is questioned and how you become
helpless and isolated.
55
possible to feel love without this body made up of the five
elements?”
56
religions, and castes have little meaning in front of the
supreme authority. All such differences were insignificant
when compared to the desires and cravings of the human
mind.
57
kitchen, latrine—the bottle of Dettol proclaimed its presence
everywhere.
58
If Aniket had read Safiq’s e-mail, he would have gone
insane. “This is what you’ve been doing behind my back?”
he would have said. “I am impotent, huh? Useless, aren’t I?
I’ve loved you so much and you have betrayed me like this.”
59
Kuki would placate him—“Why are you telling them
all this? What do they understand? Love and affection—are
these things to be displayed publicly?”
60
Kuki never showed any interest in getting herself a
passport. But had she ever imagined that somebody else
would offer her a trip abroad saying, “One day I will take
you to Paris. We will see the Louvre near the river Seine.
And in front of everyone there, I will kiss you and say, ‘meet
my wife.’”
61
62
CHAPTER 8
“No, no, it’s nothing like that; I hardly get time after
taking care of the household chores and the studies of my
children,” Kuki was forced to say.
63
“Come to our house sometime.”
64
“Sit quietly,” Kuki scolded him. She was also
irritated with Aniket. She had asked him several times to
send the car to the garage, or to sell it off and buy a new
one, but he had never listened; let him suffer now.
65
the water receded, the vehicle was badly damaged. The
foam seats had swollen up. The metal doors showed signs
of rusting. But Aniket refused to spend any money on
repairing the car, saying “We will buy a new one, anyway.”
But the new car had not yet materialized for some reason or
the other.
“You know, mama, Ankur and all of them saw our car
being towed by the auto rickshaw,” Kuki’s younger son said.
“They’ll make fun of us tomorrow. Why don’t you get rid of
that old car? Please, mama, never ask us to sit in that
vehicle again.” The elder one said, “Verma uncle has
bought a new Santro. Everybody in the colony except us
has a new car.”
Red scars dotted her waist and her hands. She was
in great pain. The tears refused to stop; tears of
humiliation, not of pain. She tried desperately to suppress
the tears. She wanted to leave the house and go away. Her
mind was filled with pure hatred for Aniket. What was the
use of education? What was the use of earning a good
salary? Aniket wasn’t a human being. He became so
insensitive when he was angry. He became a senseless
scoundrel. She had often felt that suicide was a better
66
option. But how could she be so selfish and escape from
this world leaving the innocent children in the hands of a
barbarian like Aniket?
67
68
CHAPTER 9
69
folder people did not generally open. She would often open
the picture and ogle it with all the concentration she could
muster. One day, she inadvertently deleted it while
cleaning up the computer. It was impossible for her to see
him now, but his face was indelibly imprinted in her memory
and her heart. She shared all her emotions with this
imaginary person who lived in her heart. One day, she told
him she had lost the photo and requested him to send her a
new one.
One day she had written, “I don’t need the photo any
longer. I don’t care whether you look photogenic now or
not. But what hurts me is the way you avoided my request.
I can accept you as you are—doesn’t matter if you are lame
or blind or anything else. But your silence in the face of my
repeated requests hurts me to the core. What are you so
afraid of? After sharing so much with you, do you think your
appearance will change anything? Don’t you have any faith
in me at all?”
70
One under the tree, another on a bridge, another one
in a park, and so on. Without opening the photos she had
started reading the text. There was a terrible fear
submerged under the words of the e-mail. What was the
fear? She had found it disturbing and alarming. Switching
the view to ‘full screen’ on the monitor, she had been
stunned. There was absolutely no similarity with the earlier
photograph he had sent.
Who was this stranger? Was it with this man she had
been exchanging e-mails, then?
71
Safiq was a votary of sensual love and sexual
pleasure. But Kuki was a very different person. She had
trod this path ignorant of its pitfalls.
“Why did you do this? What pleasure did you get out
of this? I did not expect this from you. It’ll be very difficult
trying to keep this relationship going after this. I don’t know
if I’ll be able to ever write to you again. Perhaps this will be
my last letter to you. I am completely shattered. I don’t
want to have anything to do with you any longer.”
72
one taken twenty years ago. But I didn’t have any ulterior
motivations; it was just that I didn’t have any more recent
snap. Though I have seen my face in the mirror everyday, I
have not been able to mark the subtle changes that have
come over me.
“Rokshana,
Rokshana,
First, I apologize
For the way I have been
These last few days;
My insecurities
Got the better of me.
Please don’t run away.
As I lie here in the dark,
Silence fills the air;
I wonder why did not notice
Just how much you care.
This lifetime is not over,
Yet I feel it frozen in place;
I need to hold you;
73
I need to touch your face.
I know that what I did
Must have really hurt a lot,
But it was not done on purpose.
It was no conspiracy.
I am sorry; please forgive me.
Many, many apologies.
I am sorry; please forgive me.
I can’t live without your love,
Your smile and your touch.”
74
have never met you; I have only imagined you. I have to
love this appearance of yours; I hope you understand my
predicament.”
75
76
CHAPTER 10
77
college? Okay, if not any IIT, then at least a government
institute…”
“What?”
78
other side of the pasture. And was that why there was so
much stress and dissatisfaction all around?
Kuki did not like going there. She had gone to meet
the man once. The man came out, but not his wife. He had
79
said, “Madam, please sit and have a cup of tea. My wife has
gone to the neighbors; she’ll be back soon.” Seeing his red
eyes, Kuki had felt scared. She had just asked, “When you
are vacating the house?”
80
Putting down the receiver, Aniket had cradled his
head in his hands.
81
things so lightly if he had the faintest of inklings. The fact
that Aniket was scolding her and highlighting all her
weaknesses made her feel like crying, particularly because
it was Aniket who doubted her abilities and never shared
anything with her.
82
“If you are truly mine, I will put you on top of my
most valuable goods, my antiques, my diamonds, my pearls
and all my riches. I will put you in the glass showcase and
polish you everyday; keep you glittering. And I will honor
you, cherish you, squeeze you, and hold you tight all night.
I will let you carry me and place me on your pillow right by
your side, kiss you good night, and hold you all through the
night.”
83
84
CHAPTER 11
85
Couldn’t help myself.”
86
the boundary between the natural and the supernatural.”
87
The e-mail made Kuki feel sad for Nissar. It was not
her fault that she had not been given an education. Frigid?
What exactly did Safiq mean? Most women are termed
frigid because of their bashfulness. An open enunciation of
sexual desire was not encouraged by society, particularly on
the part of women. Of course, things had become slightly
better with the passage of time. ‘Beautiful’ and ‘sexy’ had
become synonyms. Regarding perversions, what wife would
want her husband to be a pervert? Kuki suddenly realized
that her world was in no way any different from Nissar’s.
88
woman, Nissar. She wants the marriage to take place in the
village. Nobody agrees to this proposal. I was telling you all
but none of you listened. Tabassum and you are
responsible for this. I went to talk to that woman only at
your behest. I knew from the very beginning that
something like this would happen. Tabassum and Nagma
don’t want the marriage to take place in the village. So I
have decided that I will conduct the marriage ceremony
secretly in Lahore and will not inform Nissar.”
89
would recover soon. Aniket was on leave for two days. But
he would not allow the child to sleep in peace. Sitting
beside him, he had kept asking, “Tell me the truth. Did you
drink water from the school tap? Did you have ice-cream
from the roadside vendor? You must have had some street
food! If you had asked me, wouldn’t I have brought ice-
cream for you? Look at your condition now.”
90
forget the first few days of their conjugal life. Once, Kuki
had fallen asleep while the forbidden act was midway.
Aniket was heartbroken and insulted. For a long time, he
had kept his anger suppressed deep in his mind.
During her son’s jaundice, too, she had not been able
to keep herself awake. She just couldn’t help sleeping. But
she had wanted to hold her son while sleeping. Just to keep
her hands on his body. She had felt hurt by Aniket’s
decision. How could she sleep separately leaving her sick
and suffering child in a separate place? Not surprisingly,
she couldn’t sleep at all that night. Stray thoughts kept
invading her mind.
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Why this comparison? Aniket and Safiq; Safiq and
Aniket. Aniket had never played around with women. He
had been sincere and faithful to Kuki. And Safiq, too, had
not hidden anything; he had shared with her whatever had
happened in his life earlier. “I am not fake or a fraud. I am
like this. If you want me, hold on to me; if not, let me go.”
95
Your smile, oh god, how it’s stoked the flames of
longing in me.
This longing, this I got to have
This eternal fire to fill.
This emotional current raging as your lips touched
me.
As your hands, they stroked and they feel so divine
Rokshana you showered me with sunshine.
Bathed me with morning dew
Is it any wonder that I fell in love with you?
And if you go turning away from me,
My heart will bleed and my tears will roll free,
My life will be empty, you will take it from me.
I will only be a shell,
And I shall have no control
Over the breath I take.
So remember me when the wind blows with savage
force,
Think of me in the winter with nature’s seasonal
death.
Remember me when the sun no longer shines
Remember that once you were mine.
96
arms. I have no role here, I am getting bored doing
nothing.”
97
Kuki would sometimes get very frightened, thinking
such thoughts. But it was as if she was a slave of destiny; it
was as if she had no control over her actions.
Kuki felt jealous. She felt only she had a right over
Safiq. Nobody else could touch Safiq while she was alive.
She now understood Radha’s predicament as she wrestled
with her emotions for Krishna.
But she had never tried to leash Safiq in. She had
never asked him to change his lifestyle. She had never told
him he would have to steer away from all others if he
wanted to have her for his own. So, why was she so
disappointed now?
98
Still, she was not convinced. She had never wanted
to offer herself to such a man. She felt jealous of Linda and
angry with Safiq.
99
He wrote a five-page mail after that. It was choked
with emotion, but did not have a single sentence countering
Kuki’s charge. Kuki was his life, he wrote. She was
everything for him; without her, he couldn’t live a single
moment, he had written.
Kuki’s anger was now melting like magic and all her
hurt was dissolving away into nothingness. Within a couple
of days, everything was normal. Misunderstandings and
occasional quarrels in domestic life are just like the clouds
of autumn. There would be a sudden momentary shower
followed immediately by brilliant sunshine.
Safiq had called her again the next day. “What is it,
Safiq? Why don’t you listen to me? You’ll get me into
trouble. You know the Mumbai police! We will be harassed
unnecessarily.”
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have any faith in me. And told me to go back home. The
panel would decide and the news would be conveyed to me.
I think I’ll wait another couple of days, though. And yes, I
called you for two reasons. But you got so angry that I
couldn’t ask.”
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She felt sad the whole day but could not pinpoint the
cause of her sadness. She could not bring herself to write a
single e-mail the whole day. In the evening, when the kids
had gone to Pizza Corner, Kuki finally got down to it.
Perhaps it was anger; perhaps, sorrow. She was not in
control of her own self.
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The mail sounded terse but familiar. “I’m in a bad
mood today. I don’t want to stay in this country. To be
honest, had it not been for Tabassum and my children, I
would have settled in Paris with you forever.
His mail got her very upset. Her heartbeat went up.
What had happened?
104
“Must have taken a shower at the wrong time.”
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up the phone,” Aniket bawled. But Kuki thought she would
have to say, “Wrong number!” if it was Safiq, and on
hearing her voice, Safiq might just refuse to hang up and
start talking instead.
“The press.”
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blamed me; they said I was an atheist and that I had
provided Hinduism a place in my painting. That was why I
had called a press conference; I declared, “I don’t have any
country. An artist has no country, no religion.” Now the
media’s made an unnecessary hue and cry over that
statement and that attracted the attention of the
fundamentalists.”
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But how long could this continue? How long could
they keep the relationship going? There must be an end
somewhere. What was that end? Did Safiq know where this
life was leading them -- hell or heaven? Whatever it will be,
they had no option but to carry on…
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late. What would Safiq think? But then, it was true, wasn’t
it?
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neck. The soothing smell of her yoni (vagina) wafted in like
a breeze. They would unite, and their union would bless
them with a wonderful heavenly pleasure. That is when
they would take off their masks of this unreal world. They
would ultimately reach a state of egoless formless
nothingness. There would be no society, culture, or
civilization, not even nature herself, for them.
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that? Aniket was only proposing to take his ill mother along
—it was the most natural thing to do. It wouldn’t look good
if he didn’t want her to take her along with him.
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the USA again. I stayed the last few days with her. Slept
with her and got caught unaware by base impulse. She is
really in great trouble. Are you angry with me for sleeping
with her? She needs me. She seeks my love. Incidentally, I
found myself taking your name even when I was enjoying
her. I realized at that moment that without you, my life
means nothing. I am incomplete without you.” The letter
left Kuki stunned. She just uttered one word weakly,
“Safiq…”
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CHAPTER 15
Kuki had not sent Safiq any mail that day. But the
next day, an e-mail had arrived from Safiq. “What’s the
matter, Rokshana? Are you unwell? Didn’t you get my last
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letter? How do I make you understand, Rokshana, how sad I
am—it is time for another bout of separation. I am so angry
with Allah: why is he giving us all this pain! But I have to go
for Nagma’s marriage. There is hardly any communication
with my village, so I have to go early to make some
arrangements. Three weeks apart from you is enough to
make me cry. I don’t even know if the village has ISD
connections. How can I stay there without you, Rokshana?
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leisure time. Would Safiq remember her in the bustle of the
marriage? Tabassum was the one who would do all the
work anyway.
What did Nagma look like? What was his village like?
She had seen neither Safiq nor Nagma. Still, she felt sad,
thinking that she couldn’t attend the wedding.
119
this every time she got an invitation after this. Thus she
detached herself from the rest of the group.
120
“We have just arrived from our village. Tabassum is
busy cleaning the house. Samim is also helping her. You
know Samim, right? Her young boyfriend? I came to my
study straightaway. I’m yet to perform vazu. I’m feeling
very lonely. I had never imagined that bidding goodbye to
my daughter would be so difficult. I never knew that a
father’s heart feels so empty after his daughter leaves. It
was as if I was donating a piece of my body. I couldn't help
crying. If you were near me, I would have cried with my
head resting on your chest.
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But Safiq, what are you interested in all this? You
have never wanted to be a saint. Never have you shown
any interest in becoming a guru. Our love is behind our
physical attraction. Our love will sustain us and will lead us
to sexual pleasure. Osho had a different take; he merged
sex with Yoga. He said, ‘Imagine that you are in deep
slumber during intercourse as if you don’t have any worry,
any rush. Gradually you begin to fell feel that your body
and your soul are not yours—at that moment, you will move
from consciousness to super-consciousness, that bliss, that
Siddhi.
124
him at all? She was disgusted with his interest in sexual
experiments.
125
The next morning, the tears of the previous night
were forgotten. Kuki sent everybody off after cooking for
them and serving them food. After the housemaid left, she
sat in front of the monitor again. Waiting for her was a mail
from Safiq.
126
After every misunderstanding they had, Kuki used to
mail him and a sense of relief would flood her. But this time
was an exception. She tried to keep herself busy watching
TV and reading the newspaper but it was all in vain.
Perhaps she was waiting for Safiq’s phone call. Perhaps
Safiq would call and ask her, “Why do you get angry for
nothing? I’m sorry; I’ll never hurt you again.”
But that was not to be. Safiq did not call. Her
desperation gave way to anxiety. She logged in to check
her inbox again but there was no unread mail. Perhaps
Safiq hadn’t checked his mail, she tried to console herself.
But the phrase, “You Hindus,” still rankled her. They had
been marching ahead peacefully in total disregard to nation,
caste, religion, and language. From where had this phrase
crept in now?
The next day Kuki again opened her inbox. But there
was still no unread mail. She felt like calling Safiq. She felt
sorry. Was Safiq angry with her? She felt as if her world
had crashed. No, Safiq could not get angry at her. Even if
he was, he could not behave like this. He must have gone
somewhere; that was why he had not been able to check his
e-mail. But he usually wrote to her before going out
anywhere or at least called her after reaching wherever he
was traveling to. But why not this time?
127
airs. Her anger had melted away by now. Instead, she was
absorbed in thoughts of losing Safiq. She was like an addict
who would die without the stuff. She could feel her frisson
and tried to control her shivering by holding her palms
together. The empty house unnerved her. She could not
share a single word with anyone. She kept her hand on the
wall and cried as if the wall could offer her consolation. How
could somebody get so angry?
128
surprised to see an unread mail in her inbox. The sender’s
e-mail address had an air of unusual charm and familiarity
that day. She clicked on the mail with trembling fingers.
The screen went blank as it started to load, adding to her
impatience and restlessness. “Safiq, please hurry up,” she
muttered under her breath.
129
song, and yet not hear their sound? Do you know what it is
like to feel your heart inside you and yet not feel it beat?
Do you know what it is like to be in a crowd of people
smiling, lunching, sharing their love together and yet be all
alone with no one with you? Do you know what it is like
when the light of your life has been extinguished and you
are left in absolute and complete darkness, frightened and
lonely? Do you know what it is like when the one you love
so deeply and dearly is so far away? Your heart cries out
her name and yet there is no reply. So what do you do at
such times? How do you keep your wits about you? How do
you maintain some semblance of normal life, when all you
can do is think about the person you are so much in love
with and whom you would do or give anything just to be
with? You feel lost somewhere between the cruel reality of
life and dream-like fairytale that you wish to live in.”
130
past wrongs. What if he approached Kuki again after
accepting his punishment? Could Kuki accept him as
before? She could not, irrespective of the intensity or purity
of his love. But how could Safiq be a terrorist? Could a man
who wielded guns hold a canvas; could such a man write
love poems? How could a man who got a kick out of seeing
pools of blood be as sensitive as that?
131
Kuki emerged out of her dreams. She looked out
through the window. There was a flood. Nature had
unleashed its fury on the city. The maximum city, Mumbai,
was now going to be submerged. She suddenly
remembered Aniket. Where was Aniket?
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aspirations. In the stream of time, this moment was next to
nothing; it was of little significance. Perhaps tomorrow, she
wouldn’t be there; perhaps even Aniket would not be there.
All the unfulfilled desires and sorrows would remain
drowned under the watery rubble.
136
Aniket.”
“Will you shut up?” the elder one had ordered the
younger. Kuki had hugged the two children. She had tried
to hide her anxiety with words of sanity and wisdom.
137
It was a bad time for Kuki. No Safiq. No Aniket. Till
yesterday, she was building castles in the air. Till a few
days back, she could count on Aniket when she fell ill. And
now there was nobody. And Safiq was talking of taking her
to Paris.
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“What IIT you have attended nobody knows—the
kind of pride you bask in. And your family, too, doesn’t
hesitate before making a display of it at the slightest
opportunity.
Aniket was still busy with his puja. Kuki walked out
to the balcony. One couldn’t quite see the whole of Mumbai
from here. But she could see the half-drenched and
drowned buildings of Mumbai. The road was waterlogged.
142
Water would have seeped into their house if they had still
been in their ground-floor house. This flat had seemed like
a jail for Kuki. She hadn’t liked the idea of leaving the
ground floor house with its own garden and lawn. There
was a special charm attached to it. The children had also
sided with Kuki. The elder one had planted a rose plant,
which had grown taller than him by now. For the younger
one, catching his school bus was easier from the ground
floor. One could run to the bus stop with one’s belt and
shoes clutched in hand the moment the school bus sounded
its horn. But if you lived in a flat, you had to be prepared
before the bus arrived.
Kuki knew Aniket did not like upma. “Do you want
cornflakes instead?” she asked. “We’re out of flour, onions,
and bread.”
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urgent work pending at office. So, I’ll go to work today.
What a life we had these last two days inside the office. The
office bus was nowhere to be seen; it must have got stuck
somewhere. We survived on whatever was available in the
office canteen. I’d joined my table with Namdev’s and used
them as a bed.”
144
are begging the skies for a drop of water. You, too, must
come back, the way Aniket did.
145
inbox. Through the gap between the fingers, she read the
familiar message, “You have zero unread messages.” A
terrible sadness overwhelmed her. But she couldn’t control
herself. Just typed, “Safiq. How are you? Your Rokshana,”
and sent the one-liner to the familiar e-mail address. No,
she didn’t send the poem. She couldn’t muster the courage
to do so.
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“Why, what’s wrong with that? Why shouldn’t I be
worried? Who else should be worried if not me?”
150
gone for the interview. He also had said, “I can’t figure out
what to do, Rokshana. I can either take you there now or
after getting a permanent job after five or six months. Then
again, what if I don’t get the job? What if I flunk the
interview? I’ll lose the opportunity to make you mine then.”
Why did the old memories have to come back so strongly?
What was the time now? Aniket and the children had
fallen off to sleep long ago. But she was still awake. She
felt restless. Aniket was leaving her for one year. How
would she live without him?
151
“The candle flickers softly on a table set for two
There is no one on this planet tonight apart from me
and you.
A nice romantic dinner and a bottle of chilled wine
And we are here together in a moment stopped in
time
A love so few have ever known and this is its bright
night.
Alone within our little world, you and I and
candlelight.
So soon we will set free the feeling that we want to
share;
And I am held here spell bound by your laughter in
the air.
Thoughts of love, like falling leaves
Swinging in the autumn breeze,
Flow in our minds, in our eyes.
A tender look and longing sighs;
We touch and the fire starts—
The fire we have kindled in our hearts.
We kiss and hear the angels sing
As heaven’s gift to me you bring
And happily I would die for you
Here at this table set for two.”
Kuki did not feel like going to sleep. She just lay on
the cot silently. Aniket began to make funny growling
noises.
152
“What?”
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154
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CHAPTER 20
She read the name of the sender and her joy knew
no limits. Till that time, she had thought that Safiq must be
in jail; why else had he stopped mailing her? In any case,
she had had her doubts about his involvement in the web of
terrorism. Safiq’s mail put all her apprehensions to a rest.
The mail had been sent a whole week ago. And she
had not read it yet. What would Safiq be thinking? “I am
not safe at all,” he had written. “My e-mail and phone calls
are under scrutiny. I have lost my job and am ruined. I am
a victim of fate, baby. I have lost all hope in humankind,
baby. Samim, that boyfriend of Tabassum, has turned out
to be an informer.”
156
happen to me! Still, if God so wants, we will definitely meet
one day. Yours, Safiq.”
157
respect; he was a vagabond today. Perhaps he had
retreated to a corner of his room like a defeated soldier. He
must be blaming his luck while thinking about the job in
Paris and the golden moments with Kuki. What were his
children and Tabassum doing?
158
civilization in my paper and I wanted to show that India and
Pakistan shared common roots.
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have written everything down. Just have a look while I’m
still around so that you don’t face any problem after I leave.
You are yet to try out these responsibilities. You could at
least have gone to the banks and lightened my burden. I
also have everything saved in the PC in different files. If
some files get corrupted, then this diary will come in
handy.”
163
help him to understand the problem if he acquaints himself
with your medical history.”
Kuki felt like crying. Love for her did exist then in
some corner of his heart. How much did Aniket care for her!
But she had only seen his harshness till now. Why are you
like this Aniket? Why don’t you ever talk sweetly? Once we
loved each other and sought each other, but after putting
your feet on the moon you realized only the roughness of its
surface. You know there is a lot of love hidden in the
address, “Baby”. Why don’t you call me like that just once!
164
Aniket opened many files and rearranged them. He
spent around an hour or so in front of the computer. He
didn’t switch on the TV after dinner. He went straight to
bed instead. Kuki was not there. Aniket fell asleep as soon
as his head touched the pillow. He’d had a hard day. He
had just transferred charge of the office. Then there were
so many little things to do at home. She felt like kissing
Aniket, but she was scared he might wake up and scold her.
What if he asked, “Now, what drama is going on here?
Please let me sleep; I am tired.” Wouldn’t that hurt her?
She silently got up from the bed. She took out the
diary from the book rack and started reading one of the
poems Safiq had sent to her.
165
another sound if she tried to shut it down. She had no way
out now.
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168
seemed to be a bomb waiting to explode in every red rose
bouquet. The serial bomb blasts in Paharganj and
Sarojininagar had really marred the Diwali celebrations.
How could she say any longer that God’s creation was
beautiful?
169
The children had left. Aniket had gone to his village
to visit his mother before going abroad. Kuki was left alone
in the sprawling house. She had serious misgivings about
Aniket’s visit to Kuwait. A collage of thoughts crowded her
mind. Couldn’t he refuse the offer? Mukherjee and Gupta
had bypassed the problem very cleverly. Surely, he could
have offered some excuse.
170
crippled her and turned her to lifeless stone. It was almost
as if the smoke had turned her mind and had made her
face similar to the paintings of Picasso: disfigured.
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CHAPTER 23
Only a few days back, she had been living in his love.
That love was still there, but now failed to make its
presence felt. She felt exactly like that after receiving the
call from Safiq. The phone rang suddenly in the morning as
she was entering the bathroom. Kuki came running in
anticipation of a call from Aniket. But the sound of Safiq’s
voice left her stunned. The stunned feeling gave way to
happiness within moments. The address, “Rokshana,” was
sufficient to bring her to tears. It was almost four months
since she had last heard his voice. The same alluring voice
now inquired, “Rokshana, how are you, baby?”
“Ask.”
“Do you still love me? The way you used to?”
“Yes.”
174
You’ll know the rest from the mail.” He kissed the receiver
furtively.
175
writ petition saying that I cannot be held like this without
any charge or witness till I am proved guilty.
176
My biggest fear was seeing you leave
Seeing you move without me
I sit here and try to understand why
Fate left me here all alone
With a pain so strong
A pain of great loss,
The pain of a broken heart;
You healed my tiniest cuts
And made me see the bright star in the sky,
So why,
Why did you have to leave?
Leave me so broken and bruised
I make believe that you are here
It’s the only way I see clear
I am just so alone that I can’t share these feelings
with you.
I know it’s love.
So why can’t you see you are the only one for me
The only one who can touch the bottom of my soul
And break this pain with a love so whole
I need you now and always will.
So please just open your arms and take me in
I pray for you because it’s so cold.
I need that feeling of love
That feeling that I am never alone.
I loved you, I miss you, I love you still;
I swear this feeling will never get old.
This special love that you showed me
grows in my heart even if we are apart.
That love I miss when I am lonely;
It grows in my heart even if we are apart,
That love which makes you my one and only--
It grows in my heart even when we are apart.”
Kuki sat down and wiped the tears from her cheeks,
at a loss to fathom the depths and impossibilities of a
human relationship nipped in the bud by so many
unreasonable constraints. She would wait. For Safiq, for
her love, till all her hairs turned grey, till the wrinkles
conquered her face, and perhaps till the day she closed her
eyes for good. She would wait for the voice that once
charmed her ears and echoed with a subtle resonance in
177
her soul, a voice she had never told anyone about, then or
ever since.
178