A GuideTo Shameless Happiness
A GuideTo Shameless Happiness
This book is designed to provide accurate information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is distributed with the understanding that it is not a substitute for psychological, medical, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Recreation time. When you're away from work or school you have ample opportunity to go out and have fun, to do the things you really enjoy doing. Yet many people squander their recreation time by doing too little with it or doing things that are ultimately harmful. You have the opportunity to be happy every day. But if you're like most people, you probably don't make the most of these opportunities. It's time to make a change. It's time to grab these opportunities and squeeze every ounce of happiness that you can from them. Yes, you have many opportunities to be happy. But let's be realistic. It's not always easy being happy. We seem to have an unending list of unpleasant jobs to do; we have bills to pay and not enough money to pay them; we get sick or lose our jobs; and we have people in our lives that are difficult to get along with. On top of that, we live in a world of tragedy: earthquakes, famine, poverty, pollution, crime, violence, war, corruption, greed, unemployment, bigotry, disease, racial and religious intolerance, hurricanes, and homelessness, etc. In the face of all these difficulties, it's not surprising that so many people are miserable much of the time. The philosophy of shameless happiness is that you don't have to be miserable. Shameless happiness is a commitment you make to yourself to refuse to be miserable, while unapologetically and unreservedly making yourself happy at every opportunity. Shameless happiness is the pursuit of an ethical, rewarding, and joyous life that is guided by compassion and reason.
unnecessary arguments with authority figures? Do your feelings stop you from doing the things you want to do? For example, do you avoid talking to people you would like to meet; do you put off long-range projects, such as writing a book, because you're afraid of the work involved or the possibility that the end product won't be good enough? In short, unhealthy negative emotions are extremely painful and counter-productive. Very often unhealthy negative emotions are accompanied by self-defeating actions. Self-defeating behaviors are actions that harm you or that get in the way of your long-term happiness. Self-defeating behaviors include unhealthy addictions, unhealthy lifestyle choices such as a poor diet along with exercise avoidance, unassertiveness, a self-limiting social life, wasting money on things you don't need, and procrastination, etc. If you recognize any of these early warning signs in yourself, then the chances are that you are setting yourself up for long-term unhappiness. The good news is that it doesn't have to be this way. Even in this world, with all its troubles, you don't have to be miserable. You can turn your life around, reach your goals, and be happy shamelessly happy.
The lesson is clear. By monitoring and adjusting your thinking, you can stubbornly refuse to be miserable about anything. And you can choose to be happy.
Heres an example that shows the ABC model in action. Something happens, (for example, someone cheats you out of money) and you react (for example, you get angry).
Remember that getting cheated does not cause the anger. Its your beliefs about the fraud that make you angry. In simple, ABC terms we have the following: A. Something happens (in this case, fraud) B. Attitude or belief (about the fraud) C. Reaction as a result of the belief (anger)
Heres another example that shows how changing your beliefs changes your feelings: A. Your employer falsely accuses you of taking money from her purse and threatens to fire you. B. You believe, She has no right to accuse me. She's a bitch! C. You feel angry.
If you had held a different belief, your emotional response would have been different: A. Your employer falsely accuses you of taking money from her purse and threatens to fire you. B. You believe, I must not lose my job. That would be unbearable. C. You feel anxious.
The ABC model shows that A (what happens) does not cause C (your feelings). It is B (your beliefs) that causes C. It is not your employer's false accusation and threat that make you angry; it is your belief that she is a bitch and has no right to accuse you. It is not her accusation and threat that make you anxious; it is your belief that you must not lose your job, and that losing your job would be unbearable.
When you tell yourself that you can't stand a situation, you reduce your ability to cope with it. You become overwhelmed by your setbacks because you convince yourself that they will lead to your death. Another happiness-destroying exaggeration is the claim that some situations are awful or terrible. These words are meaningless; they don't refer to any known quality. Some situations are bad, others very bad. You can, if you like, invent a scale of badness, on which you rate situations from 1% to 100% bad. All unpleasant and inconvenient situations will fall somewhere on this scale. But when you rate something as awful or terrible, you put it outside the scale. You make it 101% bad, or worse. Its like saying that someone is more than dead, or over-pregnant. It doesn't make sense. Nothing is terrible or awful. The second mistake people make when forming a judgment is to demand that the situation not exist or that it be different from the way it is or the way it might be in the future. Demands usually involve using the words "must," "should," "have to," or "got to," etc. When you demand something (e.g., success, popularity, fairness, convenience, etc.) you are acting like a dictator and a tyrant. Its as though you expect the world and everyone in it, including yourself to obey your wishes. The problem with demands is that they ignore reality. When you use words like "should," "must" and "ought" it is as though you are creating a Law of the Universe that must always be observed. Unfortunately, the universe does not work that way.
When you dont get what you believe you must have, you doom yourself not only to certain disappointment but worse to unhealthy negative emotions and self-defeating behavior.
When you start looking for proof, you'll see that there is none; you'll see that your opinion of the situation is exaggerated nonsense. You ask yourself the same question about your demands:
Where is the proof that this should not be happening? Where is the proof that I have to do what I want to do? Where is the proof that I must have what I want?
Again, when you start looking for proof, you'll see that none exists; you'll see that your demands are nothing but a futile attempt to set yourself up as king or queen of the universe. Although you may strongly want the situation to be different, it does not have to be the way you want it. Sadly, the world does not operate according to your dictates. Let me show you an example so you can see how to question your demands and exaggerations. Roger is a 20-year-old college student. Recently, after promising the class there would be no more writing assignments, Roger's English professor told the class that they would have to write one more essay before the end of the term. Roger was furious. He argued with the professor and put off writing the essay. A. Having to write an extra essay. B. Not yet known. C. Angry, argumentative, and procrastinating. Do you remember the two early warning signs of long-term unhappiness: Unhealthy negative emotions and self-defeating behavior? Roger is quite clearly demonstrating both of these signs.
We know that it wasn't the professor or the essay that made Roger angry it was his opinion of the professor and the writing assignment that was upsetting him. Roger was telling himself, "It's not fair. I can't stand being lied to. He has no right. He should stick to his word. It's terrible that an English professor of all people would lie to his students. I'd like to beat the living daylights out of him. I shouldn't have to write another essay." Did you notice all the demands and exaggerations? Lets put Roger's opinions where they belong in the ABC model. A. Having to write an extra essay. B. I can't stand being lied to. He should stick to his word. Its terrible for an English professor to tell a lie. I shouldn't have to write another essay. C. Angry, argumentative, and procrastinating. Anybody would be upset if they made as many demands and exaggerations as Roger has here. Fortunately, Roger knows how to change his beliefs by asking for proof. The first step is to add D to the ABC model. D means to dispute, to question, to argue. Remember, the first step in handling exaggerations and demands is to ask, "Where is the proof?" D. Where is the proof that I can't stand being lied to?
D. Where is the proof that he must stick to his word? D. Where is the proof that it's terrible for a professor to tell a lie? D. Where is the proof that I shouldn't have to write another essay? Having asked these questions, the next step is to answer them. We write our answers at point E of the ABC model. D. Where is the proof that I can't stand being lied to? E. There is no proof. The fact that I'm sitting here writing this proves that I can stand being lied to. Being lied to is inconvenient but it's hardly fatal.
D. Where is the proof that he must stick to his word? E. There is no proof. He doesn't have to stick to his word. If there were a law of the universe requiring him to stick to his word he would have done so. Since he didn't stick to his word, it is obvious that no such law exists. D. Where is the proof that it's terrible for a professor to tell a lie?
E. There is no proof. It's certainly unfortunate that my professor lied to me, and having to write another essay is a significant inconvenience, but it's not the end of the world and its definitely not terrible.
D. Where is the proof that I shouldn't have to write another essay? E. There is no proof. Much as I'd like to, I do not make the rules. If my professor wants another essay from me, so be it! Instead of whining and complaining about it, I had better get on with writing the essay and getting it over and done with.
Summary of the ABCDE Method of Finding Shameless Happiness A. Something unpleasant happens B. You form an exaggerated and demanding opinion of the situation C. Your beliefs cause an unhealthy negative emotion and/or self-defeating behavior D. You ask "Where is the proof?" E. You answer the questions
I want to be successful I want to be popular I want my friends to be nice to me I don't want to do household chores
It's perfectly natural to have desires like these. We get into trouble when our wishes are threatened and we exaggerate how bad the threat is and demand that it not exist.
B. I must be successful B. It's awful to be unpopular B. I can't stand it if my friends are not nice to me B. I shouldn't have to do household chores
These kinds of beliefs lead to unhealthy negative emotions and self-defeating behaviors. As we have already seen, the best way to get rid of these demands and exaggerations is to question them. D. Where is the proof that I must be successful? D. Where is the proof that it's awful to be unpopular? D. Where is the proof that I can't stand it if my friends are not nice to me? D. Where is the proof that I shouldn't have to do household chores?
How well you answer these questions will determine how effectively you're able to eliminate your unhealthy negative emotions and start acting in ways that help you to achieve your goal of happiness. The best answers have two parts to them.
The first part acknowledges what you want or don't want. The second part rejects the demands and exaggerations. The two parts are joined together by the word "but". E. I want to be successful but there is no reason why I must be successful E. I want to be popular but it isn't awful to be unpopular E. I want my friends to be nice to me but I can stand it if theyre not nice to me E. I don't want to do household chores but theres no proof that I shouldn't have to do them
2. No matter where you live, you'll probably find that the cultural norms go beyond recommending certain behaviors and traditions. The people around you will insist demand that you obey the laws of the district and will scream blue, bloody murder if you don't. 3. How many people do you know including yourself who have tried and failed to break a habit such as smoking or procrastination? Millions of people want to break habits and have the help of books, parents, peers, and the mass media. Still they fail. 4. Many people know that their habits, such as drinking too much or over eating, are bad for them, yet they keep on doing it. 5. Some people manage to break their bad habits. But months or years later they go back to them. 6. It seems that it's much easier to keep bad habits, such as throwing a temper tantrum or gambling, than it is to break them. 7. Even psychologists, who presumably know more about breaking bad habits than anyone else, have bad habits of their own. Many of them along with the rest of the population smoke, don't exercise, drink too much and are prone to depression, angry outbursts, and anxiety attacks.
All this evidence indicates that you are not alone in forming opinions that are exaggerated and demanding. Unlike most people, you now (1) are aware of the habit, (2) know how harmful the habit is, and most importantly (3) know how to convert your demanding and exaggerated opinions into a more reasonable outlook. This unfair advantage puts you well ahead of the game.
When you state your new beliefs, state them forcefully. Use strong language throw in the odd swear word, if it helps. Don't be afraid to say the new beliefs out loud. Repeat them to yourself over and over. Each time you say the new beliefs, change the word that you emphasize; see how the change of emphasis subtly changes the meaning. Don't merely parrot the new beliefs; think really think hard about what your new outlook means and how it can change your life. You then act on your new beliefs prove to yourself that you really believe them over and over. As Albert Ellis was fond of saying, "Work, work, work! Practice, practice, practice!" You won't bake a cake by merely reading the recipe: you have to follow the directions. Similarly, you won't find shameless happiness by reading this book: you have to do the work. You have to get rid of your demands and your exaggerations.
3. I must get what I want, when I want it; and I must not get what I don't want. It's terrible if I don't get what I want, and I can't stand it. When you dispute these particular demands and exaggerations and form more reasonable opinions about yourself, others, and life, you reach a state known as unconditional acceptance. Acceptance is not the same as resignation. When you are resigned to something, you believe that there is nothing you can do about it. You may dwell on it and become upset over the situation. Resignation is passive but acceptance is active. When you accept an unfortunate or inconvenient situation, (1) you recognize that the situation exists; (2) you refuse to make yourself miserable about the situation you dont regard it as awful and you dont demand that it be different; (3) you decide whether or not you can change the situation; and (4) you either do what you can to change the situation or find ways to make yourself happy despite the situation. When you unconditionally accept yourself, others, or life in general, you don't demand that there be an easy or perfect solution to your problems. You don't demand a quick fix. You accept that changing the situation may take some work perhaps hard work. You accept that while the situation is unfortunate or inconvenient, it's not the end of the world.
Unconditional acceptance gives you the courage to change the things that can be changed and the serenity to live with what cannot be changed. It allows you to have peace of mind and to live in harmony with reality, even when you are fighting to change that reality. When you accept flaws in yourself and others, you recognize that all human beings are fallible and imperfect, and that there is no reason why they should be any other way. You recognize that the flaws do not define the entire person they are merely a part of the whole. Human beings are complex individuals; they are made up of many traits and behaviors. While you may decide that a certain trait or behavior is undesirable, you cannot decide that an entire person is undesirable. Each of us is way too complex to be given a single, global rating. So too with life. Many things will happen to you. Some will be good; some will be bad; and some will be neither good nor bad they will be neutral. But you cannot rate your entire life's experience as good or bad based on a single event, or even series of events. Life, like human beings, is too complex to be given a single, global rating. When you have unconditional acceptance of yourself, others, and life, you come to conclusions that are similar to the following: E. I wish I were more successful but my lack of success doesn't make me worthless E. I don't like the way you treat me but your actions do not make you evil
E. I don't like the situation but I can find ways to be happy nevertheless
You decide what activities you enjoy and you plan to set aside time to do the things you enjoy. 4. You put your determination and knowledge to work, and you take action. You look for your exaggerated and demanding opinions, and you dispute them until you can form and believe more reasonable opinions. 5. Most people, being fallible humans, run into trouble somewhere between Step 1 & Step 4, and fail to reach their goals. When that happens, many people quit; they give up on their goals. But willpower means that you don't quit, you merely go back to Step 1 and start again. In the same passage that Ellis discusses willpower, he offers a word of caution that can be paraphrased as: It isn't compulsory to reach your goals there is no reason why you absolutely must succeed. Nor does failing to reach your goals make you a failure. People who reach their goals have no more worth than other people who fail to reach theirs. Goals give you a sense of direction, they are your guide to a joyous and fulfilling life. Don't make them into your master. Heres what Albert Ellis has to say about willpower: Willpower, again, means the action, the work that you do to add power to your will. There may be another way to get it without work. But I doubt it. Life rarely offers shortcuts!
I like to think of willpower as a verb. It is something you do not something you have. You give power to your will; you give power to your desire to be happy. You set your goals and you work and persist until you make them happen.
every opportunity. 2. You sabotage your own happiness with demands and exaggerations. You can dramatically and permanently increase your happiness by getting rid of your demands and exaggerations. You get rid of your demands and exaggerations by vigorously disputing them and consistently acting in ways that contradict them. 3. A lifetime of shameless happiness requires a commitment. A wishy-washy, half-hearted attempt to be happy will probably fail. If you want shameless happiness, make it a habit to use the principles and methods outlined in this book each and every day. No one can do it for you. It's up to you!
Demanding to know what tomorrow will bring is a recipe for misery. So, too, is demanding that tomorrow must bring you what you desire. By all means, hang on to your wishes, your hopes, and your dreams, and do all you can to make them come true. But do so while accepting that nothing is certain, nothing is guaranteed, and nothing is promised. Living with uncertainty does not have to be bleak. Despite the constraints of uncertainty, you have within you the power to lead a rewarding, ethical, and joyous life. How? 1. Take the time to create a list of the activities you enjoy and find rewarding. What are your hobbies, your interests, your passions? What causes do you feel strongly about? What would you like to know more about? Where would you like to travel? With whom do you want to spend your time? If you had more money, what would you buy, and to what if anything would you contribute your finances? 2. Decide or, better yet, determine to spend as much of your time and energies as you can in pursuit of these activities. Think short-term and long-term. What do you want to do in the next thirty minutes, and what do you want to be able to do when youre sixty-four? 3. Accept that there are some things you will probably never do, but for everything else: Just do it! It would take several lifetimes to try all the activities that are available to us. For example, if you spent your entire life studying mathematics, you would still not know all there is to know about the subject. There is just too much to do for any one individual to have tried everything humanly possible.
Life is temporary. From the beginning of time (if there is such a thing) until a few decades ago, you did not exist. In a few more decades, you will once again cease to exist. From the beginning of time, until the end of time, non-existence is your natural state. Life is a brief interruption to your natural state of nonexistence. This brief interruption provides you with an opportunity to learn, an opportunity to explore, and, especially, an opportunity to experience. Life is an opportunity that most don't get. At the time you were conceived, millions of your father's sperm raced to meet your mother's ovum. Had another sperm won the race, you would not be here. Two to three hundred million of your potential brothers and sisters did not get the opportunity you got (and that's not counting all the other times your mother released an unfertilized egg, or all the other times your father ejaculated). There is no law that says you must make the most of this opportunity. You can, if you wish, spend your life isolated in your living room, getting drunk, while watching soap operas. However, given the rarity of your opportunity, it is probably best to live life as fully as you can. I have found it useful to think of life as being like a vacation in a foreign land. It's an opportunity to learn the language, to examine the culture, to learn to dance, to experience the music, to sample the food, to fall in love, to learn about the universe and the various life forms, to read, to go sightseeing, to marvel at the latest technologies, to meet and learn about other people, to learn new skills, to understand and appreciate mathematics and the sciences, etc. While we're here, we not only have the opportunity to enjoy ourselves, we may also take the responsibility to share what we have learned, and to do what we can for the welfare of our fellow voyagers.
And then, as with any vacation, there comes a time to go home; or in the case of life, there comes a time to return to our natural state of non-existence. During your time here, you don't have to prove yourself. You don't have to impress anybody, including yourself. You may make as many mistakes as you want. Similarly, other people do not have to live by your rules and expectations. And life does not have to be fair or easy. Imagine going on a vacation and being miserable the entire time. It would hardly be worth it, would it? Far better to cram every possible moment with rewarding, joyful experiences. So it is with life: It makes sense to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable and to enjoy this life the only one you can be sure of as much as you can. Decide to make the most of every day because although you may not be enjoying yourself at this moment, you have no way of knowing what tomorrow holds. Once you're dead, you're dead and have no hope of ever being able to enjoy yourself. While you remain alive there is always the possibility of happiness. Death takes away that possibility forever. Disputing your demands and exaggerations, along with purposeful physical activity, is the best path to shameless happiness (although as Stephen Hawking has demonstrated, even movement is unnecessary for a rewarding and joyous life that is well worth living). The more you do with your time, the more you are likely to enjoy shameless happiness. Life offers so many opportunities and so little time to follow them. In his book, Affirmations: Joyful and Creative Exuberance, Paul Kurtz wrote:
The meaning of life is not to be found in a secret formula discovered by ancient prophets or modern gurus who withdraw from living to seek quiet contemplation and release. Life has no meaning per se; it does, however, present us with innumerable opportunities, which we can either squander and retreat from in fear or seize with exuberance. Given that this is the only life we will ever have, it makes sense to milk it for all we can get. There is no second time around. Carpe diem!
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