Ministry

with the Abused

Ministry with the Abused

Copyright 2010 Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA) and
the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada (ELCIC)

JENNIES STORY

Jennies story is neither rare nor unique. Stories like this can be heard all
over North America. Women and men who are battered come from all
walks of life, all races and ethnicities, all educational backgrounds and all
religions. A battered woman or man might be the vice-president of your
local bank, your childs Sunday school teacher, your beautician, pastor or
doctor, or your closest friend or co-worker.
Family violence, also known as domestic and intimate partner violence,
has long been a concern for the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America
(ELCA) and the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada (ELCIC) church
bodies. Both national churches have made public stands against such violence and abuse through the statements of leaders, assemblies and council
actions.1 Communities of faith play important roles in standing against
violence and abuse, accompanying victims, advocating for just laws and
helping both survivors and abusers find health and wholeness.
Stories and experiences like Jennies call us to respondto minister with
compassion. As a congregational leader, knowing the basics and being alert
for signs of family violence is critical to fostering a safe and healthy community. This resource is a starting place for you to learn more about family
violence and abuse and how to make your home, congregation and community safe places.
1 See Community Violence, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, 1994, www.elca.org/socialmessage/violence.; Violence Against Women, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, 1995, www.elca.
org/socialpolicy/violenceagainstwomen; Commercial Sexual Exploitation, Evangelical Lutheran Church
in America, 2001, www.elca.org/socialmessage/sexualexploitation; and Human Sexuality: Gift and Trust,
Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, 2009, www.elca.org/socialstatements/sexuality.

Jennie married a
man who made
her feel special and
important. In time,
however, his early
attentiveness began
to feel like control.
Cross words gradually
became angry threats
underlined with
shaking fists. He hit
her once while she was
pregnant, but after his
ardent apologies, she
forgave him. When
Jennie quit her job to
be at home with their
first child, he became
increasingly impatient
over small things that
were not done right.
Nothing seemed to
please him despite her
best efforts. After he
hit her so hard that
she required medical
attention, Jennie
realized that she and
her child were in
danger and took steps
to leave home.

WHAT IS FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE?

Family violence is a pattern of behaviors that are used to manipulate,
gain and/or maintain power and control over another person. This violence may include:
Physical mistreatment such as slapping, shoving, punching, biting
and battering.
Emotional abuse such as making the other person feel insecure,
doubting their abilities and playing mind games.
Verbal abuse such as using words and name calling to hurt the other
persons feelings.
Sexual abuse such as forcing another to engage in any form of unwanted sexual behavior, including marital rape, rape and incest.
Financial abuse such as making the other person financially dependent or controlling and monitoring how money is spent.
Spiritual abuse such as misinterpreting scripture to gain power and
control and denying access to places and communities of worship.
Violence is not always loud, not always physical and not always seen
or heard. Domestic violence comes in many forms.
Family violence, domestic violence and
intimate partner violence are different ways of generally defining the same
thing, a pattern of abusive behaviors one
person uses to control others. Though
the terms family or domestic are
commonly used here, this type of abuse
can and does occur within many types of
relationships, including families, marriages, dating, cohabitating or ex couples
and between friends or acquaintances.

In particular, by the end of

this publication, you will be
provided with:
An overview of the common question, What is
family violence and abuse?
A section that outlines
Who is most at risk in our
communities and congregations?
Information about and
signs to look for in adults
who experience abuse,
children and young people
who experience abuse and
those who abuse.
Tips on how Christian faith,
congregational leaders and
congregations can be resources for those experiencing domestic violence.
Suggestions for further
information and resources.

Research on abuse in relationships today tells us that it is neither rare

nor unusual.
Intimate partner violence occurs most often in the home.2 Women are
more likely to experience family violence than men3 and that violence
is likely to be more severe than violence experienced by men.4 Family
2 Intimate Partner Violence in the U.S. 2010, Bureau of Justice Statistics, bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/
intimate/victims.cfm. Eighty percent of abusive situations occur at or close to the victims home or
the home of a friend or neighbor.
3 Patricia Tjaden and Nancy Thoennes, Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Violence against Women, www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/183781.pdf, 6; Family Violence in
Canada: A Statistical Profile 2005, Canadian Centre for Justice Statistics, www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/85224-x/85-224-x2005000-eng.pdf, 8. In the U.S., 30 percent of women and 5 percent of men were
victims of domestic violence from 2001 to 2005, and in Canada, 7 percent of the total population
experienced violence in the home.
4 Family Violence in Canada, Canadian Centre for Justice, 14-15; Intimate Partner Violence in
the U.S. 2010, Bureau of Justice Statistics, bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/intimate/victims.cfm.

Through our baptism and the

gift of Christs death, resurrection and life, we are free
to serve and stand with those
experiencing abuse and violence. As part of the community of Gods children, we are
all called to live toward peace,
justice and wholeness for all
of creation. Ministry with
those who are broken, hurting
and healing is part of that call.

violence is underreported, which is dangerous, because it can and does

escalate.5
Family violence includes sexual abuse, which broadly includes any form
of unwanted or forced sexual behavior by one person on another. Sexual
abuse disproportionally affects women more than men6 and is also underreported. Sexual abuse is often linked to physical assault and increased
severity of abuse.7 Sexually demeaning actions and harassment can also
potentially be considered abusive and may include:
Offending others by telling unwelcome stories, comments or jokes
about sex.
Making unwanted sexual advances that others find harassing and
refusing to stop when someone says no.
Having sexual relationships that take advantage of ones status or
position.
Engaging in any kind of sexual behavior with children or youth
such as teasing, touching or making them listen to or look at sexually
explicit material.

Every two minutes,

someone in the
United States is
sexually assaulted.8
Every minute
of every day, a
Canadian woman
or child is sexually
assaulted.9

Believing that sex is the other intimate partners duty.

Coercing ones partner into sex against her or his wishes, also known
as marital rape.
Abuse occurs across all of society, regardless of economic income, racial
background or geographic area. We are all at risk. It happens in families
who are regular churchgoers as well as those who do not attend. Although no person is immune from becoming a victim of abuse, some
factors make some people particularly vulnerable.
Gender
Women experience more intimate partner violence than men and the vio-

5 Family Violence in Canada, Canadian Centre for Justice, 10, 26; Measuring Violence Against
Women: Statistical Trends Canada 2006, Statistics Canada, www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/85-570-x/85570-x2006001-eng.pdf, 26; Tjaden and Thoennes, Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and
Consequences, 6 and Intimate Partner Violence in the U.S, Bureau of Justice. In Canada, fewer
than 3 in 10 victims of spousal violence incidents are reported. Violence toward a spouse accounted
for 53 percent of all violent crimes committed by a family member in 2007, which does not account
for underreporting. Annually in the U.S., about 4 out of 10 female murder victims are killed by an
intimate partner or other family member. In Canada, 75 percent of homicides from 1961 to 2003
involved family members, 97 percent of those killed by spouses were women.
6 Statistics, Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network, www.rainn.org/statistics. It is estimated
that 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men in the U.S. will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime.
7 Dr. Judith McFarlane and Dr. Ann Malecha, Sexual Assault Among Intimates: Frequency, Consequences & Treatments, www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/grants/211678.pdf, 3; Victims and Perpetrators,
U.S. Department of Justice Office of Justice Programs, www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/topics/crime/rape-sexualviolence/victims-perpetrators.htm; Measuring Violence Against Women, Statistics Canada, 19. In the
U.S., 50 to 68 percent of women who are physically assaulted by an intimate partner are also sexually
assaulted by that partner, and 16 percent of Canadian women are in similar situations.
8 Statistics, Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network.
9 Violence against Women and Girls, Canadian Research Institute for the Advancement of
Women, www.criaw-icref.ca/ViolenceagainstWomenandGirls.
10 Sexual Violence FAQs, FaithTrust Institute, www.faithtrustinstitute.org/resources/learn-the-basics/
sv-faqs.

If you think you

need help, seek it.
Find someone you
trust to help. There
is help available.
Start with the
National Domestic
Violence Hotline at
1-800-799-SAFE
(7233) or 1-800787-3223 (TTY).10

WHO IS MOST AT RISK?

lence is more likely to be chronic and highly physical.11 Women across every
economic status are at greater risk than men in the same income brackets.12
Women are more likely to be killed by an intimate partner.13 [Here we will generally continue with the use of the feminine pronoun since those most affected are female-Ed.]
Race and Ethnicity
In the U.S. and Canada, though white women and women of color experience similar rates of intimate partner violence (51 and 54 percent, respectively), U.S. American Indian and Alaskan Native women and Canadian
Aboriginal women are at particularly higher rates of risk.14
Immigrant Women
Immigrant women and families may find themselves in abusive situations
as they are faced with particular difficulties in adapting to a new location
often with little to no understanding of the language, legal system and
community resources.15 Abusers may use their partners immigration
status as a tool of control to force her to remain in the relationship.16
There are U.S. and Canadian legal channels through which batterers can
be penalized and held accountable and victims can be protected.17
Martial Status
In the U.S. and Canada, married people report the least amount of intimate partner violence.18
While this seems to point to marriage as a relatively abuse-free relationship,
in reality, many victims hold back from reporting or sharing about abuse
because of a need to protect the illusion of a happy, healthy marriage.
Residence and Home Situation
In the U.S., violence against women is the main cause of homelessness
among women,19 and in Canada, 75 percent of women in shelters are
fleeing violent homes.20
If a woman and her children have no place to live and be supported
other than in a home with the abuser, she may choose to stay in the abu11 Tjaden and Thoennes, Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences, iii-iv.
12 Intimate Partner Violence in the U.S., Bureau of Justice.
13 Ibid.
14 Tjaden and Thoennes, Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences, 21;
Family Violence in Canada, Canadian Centre for Justice, 64-65, 67.
15 Immigrant Women and Domestic Violence, Family Violence Prevention Fund, www.endabuse.
org/content/features/detail/778/.
16 Ibid.
17 Ibid.
18 Intimate Partner Violence, Bureau of Justice; Family Violence in Canada: A Statistical
Profile 2005, Canadian Centre for Justice, www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/85-224-x/85-224-x2005000-eng.
pdf, 18.
19 Some Facts on Homelessness, Poverty, and Violence Against Women, National Law Center
on Homelessness and Poverty, www.nlchp.org/view_report.cfm?id=186.
20 Family Violence in Canada, Canadian Centre for Justice.

sive situation to avoid the uncertainty of being without food, shelter and
financial stability.
Age
During certain ages of life, people are more vulnerable.
Children
One in 10 U.S. children has suffered from child maltreatment.21 Abuse against children includes neglect, physical
and sexual violence, such that 1 of every 16 U.S. children
has been victimized sexually,22 and in Canada, over 60
percent of all sexual assault victims are under the age of
18.23
About 1 in 5 girls ages 14 to 17 has been the victim of a sexual assault
or attempted sexual assault in the U.S.;24 in Canada 80 percent of assaults
against children were against girls.25
Youth and Young Adults
Youth and young adult women are the most vulnerable age group for intimate partner violence, and the perpetrator is most often close to their age.26
In the U.S., females ages 20 to 24 were at the highest risk for intimate
partner violence,27 and in Canada, young women under the age of 25
have the highest rates of sexual assault, criminal harassment and spousal
homicide committed against them.28
Elders
Domestic elder abuse includes abuse inflicted by others (i.e., sexual, physical, emotional abuse, exploitation, neglect or abandonment).29 Up to two
million Americans age 65 or older have been injured, exploited or otherwise mistreated by someone upon whom they depended for protection.30
This abuse is primarily family abuse, such that two-thirds of perpetrators

21 David Finkelhor, et al, Childrens Exposure to Violence: A Comprehensive National Survey,

U.S. Department of Justice Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, www.ncjrs.gov/
pdffiles1/ojjdp/227744.pdf, 1-2.
22 Ibid.
23 Family Violence Initiative, Department of Justice Canada, www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fv-vf/aboutaprop/.
24 Finkelhor, et al, Childrens Exposure to Violence, 1-2.
25 Family Violence in Canada, Canadian Centre for Justice, 11.
26 Intimate Partner Violence in the U.S., Bureau of Justice.
27 Intimate Partner Violence in the U.S., Bureau of Justice.
28 Measuring Violence Against Women, Statistics Canada, 36.
29 Frequently Asked Questions, National Center on Elder Abuse, www.ncea.aoa.gov/NCEAroot/
Main_Site/FAQ/Questions.aspx.
30 Survey of Recent Statistics, American Bar Association: Commission on Domestic Violence,
new.abanet.org/domesticviolence/Pages/Statistics.aspx#immigrants.

are adult children or spouses;31 female elders in the U.S. and Canada are
more likely to be victims of abuse than male elders.32

THOSE WHO EXPERIENCE ABUSE

Abuse occurs in all of society, regardless of economic income, racial background or geographic area. We are all at risk.
What are some signs to look for in a person who you suspect may be experiencing
abuse? Knowing and reading the signs wisely is the first step in obtaining
help for people of all ages who are experiencing abuse.
Clergy and other congregational leaders are in key positions with families to sense when something is wrong and to intervene. Follow these
guidelines:
Trust your instincts. If you think a family or individual is in trouble,
you may have detected something that is not right. Do not downplay
your feelings.
Be alert. Simply acknowledging that abuse is likely occurring in
the congregation will help heighten your awareness to identify
these situations.
Look for changes in personality or behavior. These should serve as
warning signs to look further; ask questions or seek assistance in determining whether or not the person needs help.
Look for a pattern. No single behavior can be considered definitive
evidence; any behavior may have several different causes that may be
unrelated to abusive situations.
Possible indicators of abuse are listed below, but do not necessarily constitute proof of abuse. Just as often, there could be no signs. The suffering is
often in silence, because the abuser often pressures the abused to hide or
deny the abuse.
Consider the possibility of abuse when an adult:
Shows signs of injuries such as bruises, burns, emergency room visits
Attempts to hide injuries with long sleeves, dark glasses, heavy makeup
Frequently feigns headaches or illnesses
Isolates her- or himself from normal social activities
Is depressed, longs for death or attempts suicide
Suffers from emotional shock, confusion or dazed expressions
Cannot focus on outside tasks or events; is internally preoccupied
Is startled by noise, light or touch

31 National Elder Abuse Incidence Study, National Center on Elder Abuse, www.aoa.gov/AoARoot/AoA_Programs/Elder_Rights/Elder_Abuse/docs/ABuseReport_Full.pdf.
32 Ibid; Family Violence in Canada, Canadian Centre for Justice, 11.

 Experiences intense fear, guilt, shame or hopelessness, often generalized

Displays exhaustion, fatigue, insomnia
Appears pale, weak or underweight
Experiences a miscarriage
Is belittled, threatened or controlled physically, socially or mentally by spouse
Has a strained or tense relationship or frequent arguments with spouse
Why do they stay?
Why do they stay? is the most frequently asked question about victims
of family violence, especially about women who are battered. There are
many reasons the abused person stays. People who are abused are often
frightened and ashamed, hope or believe that the abuse will end and find
hope in periods of relative calm. Still others are encouraged or coerced to
stay by their families and/or religious communities.
Adult women may also be trapped by societys harmful messages about
marriage and family that:
they deserve the violence or that it is their fault;
they are abused because they are bad people;
they are alone in their experience;
their abusive situation and forced submission is simply the reality of
what family life is like;
children need two parents even if one is abusive;
they might lose the children;
they are bound to live out their wedding vows by continuing to try to
make the relationship work.
In addition to the above messages, victims may also stay because of real
logistical concerns:
they have nowhere to go or stay and no money to get them to a safe
place or to pay for necessities;
they are reluctant to get a partner into trouble with the law;
they doubt that the police can help them or will believe them;
they are afraid of leaving, since leaving is the most dangerous time
often to fatal effect.
Even asking the question Why do they stay? puts the responsibility
on the victim. By re-phrasing to ask, Why do they abuse? attention is
drawn to the systemic nature of violence against women as something
based on harmful assertions of patriarchal power and control.

How does the person experiencing abuse

get help?
If you or someone you know is
in immediate danger, call 9-1-1
immediately.
If the danger is not immediate or
you are looking for additional information and resources, contact
one of the resources below.
In the United States of America:
National Domestic Violence
Hotline
www.ndvh.org
1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
An anonymous, confidential 24hour hotline with assistance for
victims, survivors and abusers
available in over 170 languages.
Visit the Web site for additional
information and resources.
In Canada:
Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention
www.casp-acps.ca/crisiscentres.asp
Canada does not have one
central and national hotline for
domestic and family violence.
Visit the site above to find crisis
services in your area.
National Clearing House on
Family Violence
(Operated by the Public Health
Agency of Canada)
http://origin.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/
1-800-267-1291 (8am-8pm EST)
1-800-465-7735 (TTY)
Email: [email protected]
This is Canadas resource center
for information on violence within
relationships of kinship, intimacy,
dependency or trust. Resources
and information are available in
both French and English.

CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE WHO

EXPERIENCE ABUSE
The distortion of power and control in relationship is the defining factor
of family abuse. In relationships between children or young people and
adults, the adult maintains the responsibility to create and maintain safe,
healthy, accountable boundaries in which to have relationship. It is abusive
when an adult takes advantage of his or her power over a child or teen or
fails to ensure safe boundaries.
More recently, teen dating violence and violence within non-marital relationships and between peers has become more serious.
What are some signs to look for in a child who is experiencing abuse? Consider the
possibility of abuse when a child:
Shows signs of physical trauma such as bruises, burns, broken bones,
difficulty walking or sitting
Fears adults in general, or one in particular, or is indiscriminately affectionate with adults
Has delayed development
Displays extremes in behavior such as hyperactivity, disruptive behavior,
over-compliance or demanding behavior
Runs away, lies, is cruel to others, vandalizes property, steals or cheats
Demonstrates inappropriately adult behavior such as parenting other
children, a precocious knowledge of sexual behavior or inappropriately
infantile behavior such as frequently rocking or head-banging
Is withdrawn, depressed, lacks emotion or is anxious
Exhibits destructive behavior: bites, hits, or cuts self or others
Experiences a sudden change in appetite or unexplained gagging and
nausea
Reports nightmares or bedwetting
Expresses a lack of attachment to the parent
Has or develops a speech disorder such as stuttering
Suddenly refuses to change for gym or to participate in physical
activities
Has unexplained absences, tardiness and fatigue
Protests or cries when it is time to go home
In addition to the signs for children, consider the possibility of abuse when
a youth:
Runs away from home or is reluctant to return home
Retreats from school or activities
Fails classes
Has excessive household responsibility or is overly restricted by parents
8

Due to the
proliferation of
electronic devices
(i.e., cell phones,
lap top computers,
etc.) and social
networking sites
(i.e., Facebook,
Twitter, MySpace,
etc.), young people
have more access
and are more
connected than
ever before. Help
your child or teen
name some of
their own safe rules
and guidelines for
online friendships
and relationships.

 Uses seductive behavior to get attention

How does the child or young person
experiencing abuse get help?
If you or a child or young
person you know is in
immediate danger, call 9-1-1
immediately.

Uses alcohol or drugs

Demonstrates suicidal behavior
Is pregnant or has a sexually transmitted disease
Displays risk-taking behavior or sexual promiscuity
Cannot form good peer relationships
Makes changes in daily rituals or clothing
Experiences isolation from friends
Wears clothing inappropriate for the weather in order to hide marks
Spends excessive amounts of time with the person he or she is dating
Hides or refuses to share text messages, e-mails and other online communication (such as Facebook) with a trusted adult
What is a mandated reporter?
In many states, pastors are mandated reporters, meaning they are required to report suspected child abuse to the authorities. Know the laws in
your state and the policies of your synod. Most states have mandatory reporting
requirements for child abuse. Generally, in Canada all cases of abuse or
suspected abuse must be reported. To learn what your state requires, visit:
www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/index.cfm.
As a mandated reporter, tell the child that you must report what they
have shared and to whom you must report. If the abuse is current,
ensuring the childs safety through protective services is the first priority.
Inform or help them understand the processes that will unfold and accompany them in that time. Offer to help the child or teen make the call
if they are old enough to do this on their own; otherwise, you will need
to make the call yourself.

If the danger is not immediate

or you are looking for additional
information and resources, refer
to the resources below.
In the United States of America:
National Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-4-A-CHILD
(1-800-422-4453)
www.childhelpusa.org
National Teen Dating Abuse
Helpline
1-866-331-9474
1-866-331-8453 TTY
Online chat is available at
www.loveisrespect.org.
In Canada:
Kids Help Phone
1-800-668-6868
www.KidsHelpPhone.ca
An anonymous, confidential,
24-hour hotline for children
and teens.

ADULTS WHO WERE VICTIMIZED AS CHILDREN

With increased publicity about domestic violence, many adults are becoming aware that they experienced
abuse while growing up. In fact, most victims reach adulthood without ever having disclosed the abuse.
They often forget as one means of getting free or may have thought that their experience was normal.
Seeing a film, hearing a speaker or a sermon, or talking with another victim may provoke traumatic memories. They may experience terrifying flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and other symptoms that make
them feel afraid and crazy. As a congregational leader and member raising this issue, you and your congregation should take steps to be prepared for such responses from members. The symptoms are painful but
normal; they are the first step in the healing process. Be prepared with professional assistance. For more
information on how to help, see the section, Christian Faith as a Resource.

ELDERS WHO EXPERIENCE ABUSE

Domestic elder abuse includes the harmful use of power and control (i.e.,
sexual, physical, emotional abuse, exploitation, abandonment and neglect)
by someone that the elder trusts and depends on for care. Even though
elders may depend on many different people, including medical professionals, eldercare staff and family members, domestic elder abuse is primarily
abuse by family members.33
What are some signs to look for in an elder who is experiencing abuse? Consider
the possibility of abuse when the elder:
Is missing dentures, glasses, hearing aid or wears dirty, torn or inappropriate clothing
Appears dehydrated, has bedsores or poor hygiene
Refuses to allow social services into the home
Has untreated medical problems or misses medical appointments, sometimes on the advice of family
Has medication withheld or is over-sedated
Is extremely passive or will not make eye contact
Reduces or lacks mental, social or physical activities
Displays ignorance of their medical condition though cognitively aware
Lacks necessities or comforts which would be affordable to the elder
Experiences sudden or unusual changes in financial status, such as new
poverty or the changing of a deed or will or unauthorized use of or
missing property
Is denied oversight of their financial affairs or pressured to loan or give
money or property to others
What about self-neglect?
Self-neglect is a serious concern for elders in the community, since the
majority of cases reported to adult protective services are of self-neglect.
Often times, the problem is paired with declining health, isolation,
Alzheimers disease or dementia or drug and alcohol dependency. Selfneglect indicators can be similar to those of abuse.
Elders have varying needs and capabilities, which may range from full
self-sufficiency to the provision of care by various sources in the community (i.e., family, friends, spouses or partners, elder care homes, etc.)
In some cases, elders will be connected to support in the community
that allows them to continue living on their own. Some conditions like
depression and malnutrition may be successfully treated through medical
intervention. If the problems are severe enough, a guardian may be appointed. Congregations can be important resources during these times of
change for elders and their families, alike.
33 Frequently Asked Questions, National Center on Elder Abuse. Two-thirds of perpetrators are
adult children or spouses.

10

How does the elder experiencing abuse

get help?
If you or an elder you know
is in immediate danger, call
9-1-1 immediately.
If the danger is not immediate
or you are looking for additional
information and resources, refer
to the resources below.
In the United States of America:
National Center on Elder
Abuse
1-800-677-1116
www.ncea.aoa.gov
Call the eldercare locator for
state reporting numbers if you
suspect elder abuse, neglect or
exploitation.
In Canada:
Canadian Network for the
Prevention of Elder Abuse
www.cnpea.ca
Visit the Web site to learn
more. Resources are available in
English and French.

THOSE WHO ABUSE

As with their victims, individuals who batter and abuse fall into no specific categories. They come from all class backgrounds, races and ethnicities, and religions. They may be unemployed or highly paid professionals.
The batterer may be a sober and upstanding member of the community
and even a respected member of his congregation. Some were abused
themselves as children; others were not.
The only one unifying factor is that abusers use power and control to
manipulate others.
Abusers often deny and minimize harm and project responsibility for the
abuse onto the victim. Always be aware of the disposition of abusers to
manipulate others into sharing their view of the abuse.
For example, a red flag that the abuser is blaming the abuse on the victims action might be a phrase like, She forgot to pick up the kids, and
I was so scared for them and mad at her, I just lashed out and hit her. It
was just an accident.
When entering a situation of abuse as an outside party, naivet about the manipulation of power and control most abusers use is dangerous and can be deadly for the
abused person.
Some of us respond to abusers with deep horror, disdain or emotional
turmoil. Be aware of these feelings, while remembering that abusers are
people who are in need of particular assistance.
What are some signs to look for in a person who is abusing?
Clergy and other congregational leaders are in key positions with families
to sense when something is wrong and to intervene.
Follow these guidelines:
Trust your instincts. If you think a family or individual is in trouble,
you have detected something that is not right. Do not downplay your
feelings.
Be alert. Simply acknowledging that abuse is likely occurring in the congregation will help heighten your awareness to identify these situations.
Look for changes in personality or behavior. These should serve as
warning signs to look further, ask questions or seek assistance in determining whether or not the person needs help.
Look for a pattern. No single behavior can be considered definitive
evidence; any behavior may have several different causes that may be
unrelated to abusive situations.
Possible indicators of abuse are listed below, but do not necessarily constitute proof of abuse. Just as often, there could be no signs. The suffering is often in silence, because the abuser often pressures the abused to
hide or deny the abuse.
11

Someone might be an abuser if he or she:

is extremely jealous
controls or tracks partners activities
uses putdowns, criticism or threats to affect partners (or other family
members) behavior
uses physical force to solve problems
believes that he is the head of the household and should not be challenged
Consider the possibility that an adult is abusing children when the adult:
Gives implausible or conflicting accounts of injuries to the child
Describes the child as evil or in some other very negative way
Uses harsh physical or verbal discipline with the child
Is unduly protective of the child or severely limits the childs contact
with other children, especially of the opposite sex
Is secretive and isolated
Is jealous or controlling with family members
Constantly blames, belittles or berates the child
Is unconcerned about the child and refuses to consider offers of help
for the childs problems
Overtly rejects the child
If a person does any of these things, he or she is probably hurting the
people around him or her and should get help from someone who will
hold him or her accountable so he or she might acknowledge the abuse
and have the courage to seek help.
Why do they abuse?
Men and women who batter do not batter because they have anger management or substance abuse problems. People batter and abuse because they
want power and control over other people. In particular, men batter women
because the choice is theirs to make. This grows from a sense of entitlement
centered in male privilege, which in most North American societies demeans
and devalues women in visible and invisible ways. The lack of social, legal
and financial consequences in society enables batterers and abusers to continue abusing without punishment or a sense of accountability.
The causes of abuse are complex. Sexism, the privileging of male power,
identity and control over females, is one contributing factor to domestic
and sexual abuse.
The ELCA Justice for Women program is mandated to assist this church
to address sexism, which it does through theology and education. For
more, please visit www.elca.org/justiceforwomen.

12

How does the person abusing get help?

Abusers, whether they abuse a spouse or child physically or sexually, need
to seek help. They need to be held accountable for their actions. They need
to look for treatments options and learn new ways of acting that are not
damaging. This work is difficult. For many abusers, though their behaviors
and relationships can be closely monitored, full recovery is not possible.
Indeed, abuse, and sexual abuse of children in particular, tends to be a
recurrent behavior with high rates of repeat offenses, also known as recidivism. In a study of imprisoned sex offenders with fewer than two known
victims, the offender had an average of 110 victims and 318 offenses of
abuse before being caught.34
Since the kind of help needed is complicated, counseling abusers is a job for professionals.
Whether you are a pastor or a lay person, do not attempt to counsel an abuser on
your own. Unless you are a specialist in this field, you may do additional harm.
Urge and help abusers who speak to you to find a reputable treatment program and stick with it. Treatment programs for abusers are available.
Once the abuser has entered a program, the person may want and need a
spiritual counselor during this time. You may want to be part of the team
of professionals in your community who will work with and help the abuser
during this time. Working in partnership with the community experts helps
ensure the most holistic approach to guidance and care for the abuser.
The abuser should not be let off the hook without extensive, expert
treatment and a careful plan to hold him accountable once he returns to
church, the community and especially if he returns to the family situation. Pastors and congregational leaders can encourage abusers to understand that Gods grace enables them to be accountable and to get the
help and eventual healing they seek and need.
With abusers of children, you may experience serious personal conflict
between the confidentiality of what is shared with you and the priority of
protecting the child. If you are a pastor, you may be a mandated reporter.
Think through how you will address these issues and consult a trusted
expert in the field before being confronted with such cases.

34 In the study by S. Ahlmeyer, P. Heil, B. McKee and K. English, imprisoned sex offenders with
fewer than two known victims, the offender had an average of 110 victims and 318 offenses of
abuse before being caught. Additionally, S. Ahlmeyer, K. English and D. Simons found that sex
offenders committed sex crimes for an average of 16 years before being officially caught and
processed in the U.S. justice system.

13

What about forgiveness?

Pastors in particular
may be approached by
abusers for confession
and forgiveness.
Forgiveness may also
be a tool of control
used by the abuser to
keep the abused in the
destructive relationship.
Forgiveness is not a
substitute for counseling
by an experienced
professional and cannot
be considered until
the victim is physically,
mentally, emotionally
and spiritually safe.
These potential
misinterpretations
of such powerfully
healing faith concepts
raise many complex
issues and should be
thought through by
pastors before the
issue comes up.

RESOURCES FOR THOSE WHO EXPERIENCE

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
CHRISTIAN FAITH AS A RESOURCE
A victim of abuse have many theological questions and crises. Her interpretation of the Bible and theological understanding may shape what she
believes about her situation and abuse. She may have heard that a woman
is to be subordinate to her husband; children may have been taught the
Fourth CommandmentHonor your father and motherwithout any
reference to family abuse. Others may believe that God has sent this
abuse to punish them for their sins or as a test of faith. They may be
angry with God (and with the church) for letting this happen to them.
They may feel abandoned by God. They may ask, How can God allow
such things to happen? If victims belong to families that attend church
regularly, the crisis may be complicated by feelings of hypocrisy.
The responses of both pastors and lay people can be deeply important resources for
victims. In addition to the key measure of seeking professional help, congregational
leaders may find the following guidelines helpful:
Listen closely. Listening attentively can help you discern what is important to the person in crisis. Sit with the victim. Listen to her story and her
theology. How is she explaining her own experience? Do not tell her how
to feel or react. By listening carefully, you are ministering through presence. You may want to repeat things back to her for clarification. Also
by listening, you are learning about the victims own theology, which may
help identify what might be holding her back from freedom and what
might call her toward it. However interesting that may be, always be sure
to discuss theological underpinnings only when the person is not in crisis.
Support faith statements that address the victims safety, well-being
and empowerment. A victim may say, I believe that God never sends
us anything we cant handle. This sincere belief may be both an obstacle
and an opportunity. On one hand, it implies that God has sent this abuse,
that it is Gods will and that she must put up with and endure the cross
that God has seen fit to lay upon her. This first implication could stand
in the way of the victims safety. On the other hand, it also implies that
God knows this person has resources for dealing with the abusive situation. It may be more helpful to affirm this part of the statement and say,
Lets name the resources you think God has given you to deal with it.
Respectfully offer alternatives to faith concepts that are keeping
victims trapped. A good way to do this is to make your statements I
statements. If you say, I believe God loves you and wants you to be safe and
whole, you may be heard as offering new possibilities to victims, rather than
shaming and blaming them for believing the wrong thing. If you accompany
these faith statements with concrete assistance and relationship, they will be
more believable.
14

Realize that the doctrine of sin commonly appears among the

obstacles in the religious struggles of victims. Victims asking, Why
me? may indicate that they believe that they have sinned in some way
and that the abuse is a punishment from God. Whatever your views, or
the victims views about original sin, it needs to be firmly detached from
responsibility for the abuse, which rests on the abuser and not the victim.
I do not believe God is punishing you for sin, may be a helpful response that opens closed doors for victims.
Explore the concept of forgiveness with care. Many victims feel or
are told by family or faith leaders that they must forgive the abuser and
therefore stay in the abusive situation. Respectfully observe that forgiveness is not always or only dependent upon apology or repentance. Sometimes, and certainly when there has been no specific treatment for the
abuser, forgiveness is not a legitimate option. It may be helpful to assist
the person to explore what it means to forgive, how forgiveness might
bring healing and what healing is possible given the reality of a situation.
Grace is present in healing, new life and deliverance. Whatever we may
say about many aspects of victims spiritual struggles, one thing is certain: victims need not live forever in abuse. This process of becoming
free can be dramatic and deeply moving. It is assuredly a sign of Gods
action with us today. We can celebrate the courage and resourcefulness
of survivors in seeking well-being and safety, and we can praise God who
brings liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those
who are bound (Isaiah 61:1).

CONGREGATIONAL LEADERS AS A RESOURCE

Today, there is help for those who experience the pain and confusion of
family violence. Shelters for battered women, crisis hotlines and social
service agencies have become skilled and resourceful in offering help to
abused individuals of all ages and situations. As a congregational leader,
you can also be part of this growing response to human need. Both lay
people and pastors can offer immediate, concrete assistance to victims of
family violence by following these guidelines.
If you see signs of abuse:
Be attentive and make it easy for the person to talk. Shame, self-blame
and fear make it difficult for victims to disclose their situations, so the first
step in counseling is to speak to the victim privately, assure confidentiality
when possible and then ask about what they are experiencing at home.
Avoid using strong labels such as battering and incest. You
may wish to say, I have noticed changes in your behavior and interactions here at the congregation, such as (name a few factual things you
have noticed). How are things going at home? Although the victim may
not wish to disclose the situation at that time, your direct, nonjudgmental
question may make it easier to speak later.
15

Lutheran Christian
theology affirms and
celebrates the family in
many ways. We speak
of the family as the
foundation of society
and personhood. If
we are serious about
the theological importance of families, we
must learn to minister
with and to victims. As
members of the body
of Christ who bear
one anothers burdens,
a person experiencing abuse needs us,
and it is our vocation
through baptism to
be with them. God
calls people of faith to
stand with one another in active ministry.

When an adult relates a story of abuse to you, respond in ways that can
lead to safety and healing:
Believe the story. This is essential. Victims may fear that you will not accept the fact that such things could be happening to them. If you know
the offender, they may fear you will not believe them. Give positive comments: I know it has been hard for you to talk about this, but thank you
for sharing with me.
Validate feelings. Victims are often afraid they are losing control of their
lives and feelings. Their nightmares, fears, exhaustion and depression often
make them feel close to a breakdown. Flashbacks and memories of abuse
in the past can also make a victim feel terrorized. These feelings are normal
reactions to traumatic stress. Accept and validate these feelings.
Emphasize safety. Often victims minimize and deny the threats and
risks they are living witha survival mechanism to help them cope. Help
the victim understand that without intervention, abuse often escalates
and that you are concerned about his or her safety.35 Your emphasis on
safety can help victims to make safety a priority for themselves as well.
Keep confidentiality. Never tell an abuser that the victim has spoken to
you. Confidentiality in battering situations is one basic step in empowering the victim and keeping her safe.
Affirm that the victim is not to blame. Abused individuals may feel the
abuse is their fault. Abusers often tell victims so. Say firmly, You do not
deserve that abuse and behavior. This is not your fault. For those who
have lived with abuse for a long time and whose self-concept has suffered as a result, it is often helpful to say, Just because bad things have
happened to you does not mean that you are a bad person. Also, victims
may feel as though God is punishing them. As a person of faith, you may
wish to say, It is not Gods will that you are being abused.36
Respect, support and empower. Your natural concern for the victims
safety may make you want to remove her from danger immediately. She
may be confused about what she wants; she may not want to leave just
to have the abuse stoppedshe may not be ready. Her home may be her
only security and livelihood. If you tell her what to do, you are contributing to the control she already experiences.
State your support for the decisions she makes, even if you are not happy with them. If she chooses to remain in the home, resolve not to abandon
her. You may say, I am concerned about your safety if you go back home.
But Ill still be here for you when you need me. Avoid giving ultimatums
(i.e., if you leavethen, I will or if you dont leavethen, I will).
35 Domestic Violence FAQs, FaithTrust Institute, www.faithtrustinstitute.org/resources/learn-thebasics/dv-faqs.
36 Ibid.

16

Affirm her skills and resources. Abusers undermine the self-esteem of

victims in many ways, telling them they are bad or incompetent. In fact,
victims are strong and courageous. They employ many creative skills to
survive. Ask how she has survived in the past; then name her strategies as
skills and resources. By affirming her good qualities, you help to enable
her to develop new ones for her own safety.
Help her develop a safety plan to make herself and her family safe.
Practically, help her pack a bag. Include her important papers (i.e., birth
certificates for herself and the children, Social Security and identification
cards, school and health records, marriage certificate, etc.). Help her plan
and know an escape route. Call a domestic violence hotline or agency for
assistance. Trust her judgment.
Seek expert assistance. Refer victims to specialized domestic violence
counseling programs, not to couples counseling. Refer her to professional
care and counseling for victims of violence and abuse. Offer to accompany
her, but let her accept or reject your offer each time. Help connect her with a
shelter, safe home or advocacy resources to offer her safety and protection.37
Let the victim express her anger and even her grimmest fantasies
about what she wishes she could do to her abuser. She can only be relieved
of the terrible guilt about having these fantasies by speaking of them.
Remember other family members. Non-offending parents and
other family members are also suffering. Children of a battered woman
experience trauma from witnessing battering. Relatives of incest victims
suffer from the distorted family dynamics in the home (secrecy and taboo). In your concern for the direct victim, do not forget those indirectly
affected by the abuse. They may be bewildered, betrayed, angry, ashamed
and in crisis. If the offender is a breadwinning parent removed from
the home, the family may find itself without a source of income. In such
instances, families may pressure a victim to take back stories of abuse or
they may minimize the hurt and harm that all have suffered.
In the case of a child, contact protective services. Children may want
you to speak only with their parent, but your first priority is to protect the
child/ren from further harm. Remember, in many states, pastors are mandated reporters. Know the laws in your state and the policies of your synod.
If it is the case, tell the child that you are obligated to report: We want
the abuse to stop, but we cant do it alone. We need help. Assure the
children that you will accompany them through the processes that will
unfold, and then follow through. Do not make promises to children that
you cannot keep. Your continued presence can be deeply important.
Offer to help the child make the call to report by dialing the number,
introducing your connection to the situation and sitting with the child as
they report the experience.
37 Ibid.

17

Remember, it is worth harming relationships with parents to protect the

child. The abuser needs to be confronted, but without proper training,
you may cause more harm than good. Always involve protective services.38

THE CONGREGATION AS A RESOURCE

Ministry is more than counseling or responding after abuse has occurred.
Congregations can be open, supportive and informed allies with victims
and survivors of violence. They can be educators and advocates for better policies, laws and services as well as partners with local organizations.
These are some things that can be done:
Educate yourself as a congregation. Form a study group or sponsor a
series of forums on family abuse. Invite professionals in your community, such as shelter workers, social workers, counselors and police officers
to speak.
Communicate your concern about abuse. Display posters and phone
numbers for shelters and crisis lines on your church bulletin boards. Be
sure the pastors discretionary fund is available to assist those experiencing abuse.
Encourage pastors to express concern for the abused in sermons and
prayers. When domestic violence is mentioned in the pulpit, victims come
forth. Naming the problem helps overcome initial denial and isolation.
Reveal theological support for mutuality and respect during premarital counseling and marriage services. In premarital counseling,
pastors may explore the ways the couple and their families handle conflicts and suggest that biblical readings during marriage services focus on
mutuality rather than on the submission of women.
Help those in need in practical ways. Assist people in crisis by connecting them with the agencies, professionals, and resources needed to be
safe, including shelter, food, transportation and childcare.
Hold the abuser accountable. Dont minimize the abusive behavior.
Support the abuser in seeking specialized batterers counseling. Continue
to hold him accountable and to support and protect the victim even after
he has begun a counseling program.39
Provide help through direct services or contributions. Shelters, safehome networks or crisis hotlines need your donations of food, clothing,
money, furniture and volunteer time. Contact the local organizations to
find out what the specific needs are in your community.

38 Maria Gargiulo, Hear Their Cries: Religious Responses to Child Abuse, CD-ROM, FaithTrust Institute.
39 Domestic Violence FAQs, FaithTrust.

18

Experience shows
that when a congregation creates
an atmosphere of
openness and support for people
to disclose their
stories, victims
will come forward.
Those who work
with victims may
experience many
of the same theological struggles as
the victims themselves. These crises,
doubts and confusions are not a sign
that ones faith is
lacking. They are
normal experiences
of spiritual growth
through which God
accompanies us.

Encourage your local police to initiate a policy of nondiscretionary arrest. In domestic disturbance cases, such arrests mean that a police
officer has no choice but to arrest if he or she believes violence has occurred. Such programs have proven effective in reducing battering. Find
out if your city sponsors community intervention projects along with
mandatory arrest such as where female and male volunteers provide immediate counseling for both victims and offenders.
Work together with local agencies since victims may need services
beyond the crisis point. Those who are rebuilding their lives after abuse
have practical needs like accessible, low-cost housing, information and
advocacy about social services, child care and job training.
Advocate for local hotlines. For example, hotlines for abusing parents
to call before they hurt their children are available in many communities
today. If your region has not begun such a service, consider initiating one.
Obtain training and volunteer at crisis lines and womens shelters.
Pay attention to your emotions as well as to the information. Both facts
and feelings are essential to learning about abuse in the family.
Educate everyone on child sexual abuse and exploitation and the
ways to prevent it. Introduce coloring books or video programs for
children. Ask your churchs Sunday school to consider making a prevention emphasis an annual event. Contact Cherish Our Children to learn
more at 612-280-1259 or online at www.cherishchildren.org. 40
Provide programs for teens. For many, the teen years are the time
when boys learn that to be manly is to be tough and in control, and
girls learn that to be feminine means to be nonassertive. Sexual assault
and battering among teenage couples are now being recognized as serious
problems. Confirmation classes, youth meetings, and teen church school
classes can be important places for prevention programs.
Support services for adolescents in your community. During their teen
years, victims of child abuse struggle desperately to get free. Centers for
runaways, teen prostitutes and chemically dependent adolescents testify to
the massive numbers who have been victims of incest or physical abuse.

Through our baptisms and the gift of Christs death, resurrection and life, we are free to love and serve
the neighbor. It is that freedom that gives us purpose and hope to confront the sin of violence and abuse
in all relationships, especially in the relationships of families. Let us work together as part of the larger
constellation of this church, fulfilling the call to denounce and combat domestic violence and violence
against women.40

40 Violence Against Women, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, 1995, www.elca.org/

socialpolicy/violenceagainstwomen.

19

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION AND RESOURCES

United States of America
ELCA Justice for Women program
www.elca.org/justiceforwomen
The causes of abuse are complex. Sexism, the privileging of male power,
identity and control over females, is one contributing factor to domestic and
sexual abuse. The ELCA Justice for Women program is mandated to assist
the ELCA to address sexism, which it does through theology and education.
FaithTrust Institute
www.faithtrustinstitute.org
FaithTrust is a leader in educational, faith-based domestic violence resources, including training and consultation. Dedicated to multicultural and interfaith work, FaithTrust helps groups gain the tools and knowledge necessary
to address the religious and cultural issues related to abuse.
Lutheran Services in America
www.lutheranservices.org
Within this network of over 300 health and human service organizations,
locate services in your area.
Canada
The Rave Project
www.theraveproject.org
Rave (Religion and Violence e-Learning) seeks to equip religious leaders
to respond to domestic violence, build bridges between the steeple and
the shelter, to walk alongside victims and survivors and to hold abusers
accountable for their actions.
PASCH (Peace and Safety in the Christian Home)
www.peaceandsafety.com
Peace and Safety in the Christian Home (PASCH) is a loose coalition
of academics, professionals, clergy and lay people who are alarmed by
domestic violence in the Christian home and are interested in solving the
problem of abuse in the Christian home.

20

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childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/signs.cfm.
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Special thanks to the former ELCA Commission for Women and those who first created this resource,
to those guides and teachers along the way, to Antonia Clemente and the Rev. Susan Candea, ELCA and
the Rev. Trish Schmermund, ELCIC and Joanne VanBeek from RiseUp Ministries, Alberta, Canada. The
update and reissue of this publication is made possible through a generous grant from Thrivent Financial
for Lutherans.
About the Thrivent Financial for Lutherans Foundation
The Thrivent Financial for Lutherans Foundation is a private foundation funded by Thrivent Financial
for Lutherans. As a 501(c)(3) organization with its own board of trustees, the foundation is organized and
operated exclusively for charitable, religious, scientific, literary and educational purposes and makes grants
and gifts to 501(c)(3) exempt organizations. The foundation does not provide grants to individuals. To
learn more about the foundation and its programs, visit www.thrivent.com/foundations.

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