Funny Sex Quotes

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
~ Abraham Lincoln
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. ~ Robert Heinlein
Sex is emotion in motion. ~ Mae West
Sex relieves tension - love causes it. ~ Woody Allen
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. ~ Bob Rubin
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. ~ Woody Allen
The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently. ~ Margaret Smith
Men get laid, but women get screwed. ~ Quentin Crisp
Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact. ~ Marlene Dietrich
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's
$3.95 a minute. ~ Author Unknown
Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you
love. ~ Butch Hancock
To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the
devil slapped on the genitals. ~ Don Schrader
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. ~ Author Unknown
My reaction to porn films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After
the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live. ~ Erica Jong
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. ~ Mark Twain
We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time. ~ Arthur
Hoppe
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. ~
Woody Allen
There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free
with sex, they should draw the line at goats. ~ Elton John
There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad
sex. ~ Billy Joel
When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave. ~ Author Unknown
The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it. ~ Truman Capote
A dirty book is rarely dusty. ~ Author Unknown
If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time. ~ Louise Sammons
I think I could fall madly in bed with you. ~ Author Unknown
Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't! ~ George
Bernard Shaw
Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped. ~ Author Unknown
Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love. ~ Woody Allen
What they love to yield they would often rather have stolen. Rough seduction delights them, the
boldness of near rape is a compliment. ~ Ovid
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. ~ Frederike
Ryder
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. ~ Author Unknown
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was
twenty-one. ~ Bob Hope
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? ~ Murray Banks
I once knew a woman who offered her honor So I honored her offer And all night long I was on her and
off her. ~ Author Unknown
Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa. ~ Dorothy Parker
My cock doesn't talk politics. ~ S. Sachs
I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to
them. ~ Jay McInerney
An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it, the harder it gets. ~ Author
Unknown
A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He
replied frankly: "Because everything does." ~ Honor Tracy
Sex is interesting, but it's not totally important. I mean it's not even as important (physically) as
excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel
movement. ~ Charles Bukowski
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not
have sex with the authorities. ~ Matt Groening
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief
among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. ~ P.J. O'Rourke
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. ~ Author Unknown
A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. ~ Karl Kraus
To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it. ~ Cary Grant
My message to the businessman of this country when they go abroad on business is that there is one
thing above all they can take with them to stop them catching AIDS, and that is the wife. ~ Edwina Currie
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
~ Author Unknown
The common thread that binds nearly all animal species seems to be that males are willing to abandon
all sense and decorum, even to risk their lives, in the frantic quest for sex. ~ Randy Thornhill and Craig T.
Palmer

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No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. ~ Robert Heinlein

Sex is emotion in motion. ~ Mae West

Sex relieves tension - love causes it. ~ Woody Allen

The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently. ~ Margaret Smith

Men get laid, but women get screwed. ~ Quentin Crisp

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. ~ Mark Twain

A dirty book is rarely dusty. ~ Author Unknown

I think I could fall madly in bed with you. ~ Author Unknown

Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped. ~ Author Unknown

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? ~ Murray Banks

My cock doesn't talk politics. ~ S. Sachs

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. ~ Author Unknown

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. ~ Karl Kraus

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